Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My ex is a crap dad (long)

64 replies

OhEmGee24 · 16/09/2012 09:16

This is long just dont want to drip feed sorry. My ex and I split when dd was 2 weeks old. I had a traumatic birth resulting in 3a tear which required two rounds of surgery. Thankfully I had lots of support from friends and family to help with baby as ex never offered. She is now nearly 2.4. Since she was 4 months I have received £280 per month maintenance much to his disapproval. He is however a totally shit dad..Of all the weekends in the year he chose last Christmas and her second birthday to go away. He has never had her over night as he won't buy a cot/toddler bed and says I should. He sees her 8.30-5.30 on a Sunday although three weeks have gone by since that happened as he's "too busy", this is frequent. When he does, i have to provide her bag of changing stuff and food as I cant trust that he'd feed her properly. He has never ever text or called randomly in the week to ask how she's doing. His family live in Cape Town (he's south African) and have never made the trip to meet dd, nor send her a card at all. Ex is 27 but my god he needs to grow up.

By total contrast, she has an incredible father figure in my boyfriend of 8 months. He's 32 and the difference in maturity is blinding. Dd calls him Daddy James (name change)which was her own decision. They play together wonderfully and his parents and sister also treat dd like a member of their family and are always calling to ask how she is. Dp and I are moving in together soon so he will become an even more permanent figure in her life.

What can I do? Does ex legally HAVE to see her even when there is zero effort. Dd clearly doesn't like going on the few occasions she does. I hate seeing her crying :( Now she's able to voice her opinion I feel I should take her decision as gospel but can I really do that?

Sorry for long post. Em x

OP posts:
Mydogsleepsonthebed · 16/09/2012 09:19

You really shouldn't stop her seeing her father no matter how good you think your boyfriend is with her.

And at 2.4 her views won't be taken into account by the court. Taking her decision as gospel at 2.4 is really not a good idea.

AnitaBlake · 16/09/2012 09:27

I don't think at 2.4 babies really have opinions. I also wonder how much influence you have over these, if you are anxious or unwilling then DD will pick up on this and be upset too. Encouraging her to call another man daddy is just cruel, how many daddies will she have, and will your exes gfs be muumies yo her?

I don't think providing a bag of your preferred items us unreasonable,, but if you do, then perhaps you should stop and allow him to parent her instead. We weren't allowed DSD to stay overnight until she was over 3 because mum thought she was too young, perhaps he's trying to 'conform' with that concensus that babies shouldn't be away from their primary carer until they are 3? I've heard that one a lot on single parent discussions.

Original poster
OhEmGee24 · 16/09/2012 09:29

I've never encouraged her. As in op you'll see she came up with her own name for him. I talk about him to her as just James*.

OP posts:
AnitaBlake · 16/09/2012 09:41

Not a chance at that age. If you correct her she will stop using it. my DSD tried to call me mummy the first few times and she was only slightly older than your DD. She soon stopped when I insisted on my real name. My brothers DSS tried to call him daddy, this has been discouraged and the real name I sister on. He stopped using daddy. Its easy, and not discouraging simply means you are approving. You really need to consider how you would feel if your DD started calling your exes new gf mummy x. Would that be ok too?

I know my DH would be heartbroken if DSDs mums bf became 'daddy x'. Its very disrespectful of both your daughters father and the role of fathers in general. 2.4yos aren't capable of making those decisions, its as simple as that.

Offred · 16/09/2012 09:42

You are encouraging her by not correcting her. No you can't stop her seeing her dad. What you need to ensure is that the contact is productive for her, that means giving her a clear indication at 2 of who her father is. Having a none live in boyfriend being a father figure to her after 8 months is not right. My DH is still called by his Christian name by my eldest two who have known him since they were 2 and 1 and we have been married 3 1/2 years. Calling another man daddy is not ok unless they understand the concepts of genetic heritage and step fatherhood IMHO otherwise it is confusing and uninformed.

If he is not able to keep her safe and happy in the current arrangement of contact then change it to be some way that is productive.

Original poster
OhEmGee24 · 16/09/2012 09:49

But ex is NOT INTERESTED in her and makes ZERO effort to ask how she is in between the three weekly contact time. Does that sound like a good father?!?

OP posts:
Original poster
OhEmGee24 · 16/09/2012 09:52

Seems noone is actually reading my posts! Confused I call him James and talk to about James* NOT daddy James so if that's not correcting her I dont know what is.

OP posts:
Offred · 16/09/2012 09:57

No-one had said he is a good father Hmm just that he is her father and you can't change that.

Also no-one has said you are telling her to call your boyfriend daddy, just that by not actively correcting her you are encouraging it.

It is understandable that you would prefer her to not have a crap dad but she does, you can't change that and you have to let her see that for herself otherwise when she is a teenager she will have idealistic views about him and possibly be in danger from him. It also isn't right to have a bf play a father figure to your child after 8 months and not living together. That should only happen when you are married and he becomes a father figure to her IMO.

Offred · 16/09/2012 09:59

Clue; when she says "daddy"you say "no, c is your daddy, James is mummy's boyfriend. You remember c don't you? He is your daddy, you mustn't call James daddy" you don't think "hooray now she has decided James is daddy I can sack off the loser".

Original poster
OhEmGee24 · 16/09/2012 10:01

I don't think that at all. I want them to have a proper relationship it just breaks my heart that ex makes zero effort and dd cries her eyes out when it comes to getting in his car. Sad

OP posts:
AnitaBlake · 16/09/2012 10:02

My DH is the same. He never gets a reply so stopped bothering. He pays his maintenance and sees his child, more frequently as she gets older. Parentage isn't earned like that I'm afraid. Do you send him updates? Tell him about milestones, involve him at all? The judge actually ordered DHs ex to do those things when she said he couldn't have contact because he didn't know enough about her.

You DD is very young and you make the choices for her. We only have your side I'm afraid. You shouldn't be reducing her daddies role in her life.

Offred · 16/09/2012 10:03

It would be in the child's best interests to have a set time (short and regular) for him to see her if he can't really manage a long period without micromanaging from you. It would not be in her best interests to cut all contact but to make sure she is safe when she does see him. If he is crap he is probably never going to manage to be a co-parent. She will be the daughter of a single mother whether you have a bf or not. Children get really messed up when decisions like this are made for them and kept from them.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 16/09/2012 10:05

Correcting her is saying 'no not daddy James, just James, your daddy is X who you see on Sundays.'

Sorry but you can't stop her father from seeing her. And however much you/he dislike the maintenance you are actually not doing badly compared to some LPs in that respect.

My ds sometimes calls my DH 'daddy x' it's not very often and we've agreed this is ok if it is what he wants to do, but he's nearly 6 which is much better than at not even 2 and a half. My dcs both understand who their dad is and that my DH is their step-dad. But they are older which makes a huge difference.

I think maybe your dd is picking up on your feelings about contact. I've always gone with the very cheery, smiley faced 'but you have such a great time and get to see your aunties/grandparents etc etc etc' so they think they should want to go.

Seeing them upset is horrible but think of a few years time, what if she cries and doesn't want to go to school? Will you just keep her home?

Good luck whatever happens, being a LP is hard work.

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 16/09/2012 10:05

I don't contact my kids when they are with their dad, like on holiday for example.

Am I a crap mum?

And when your daughter decides at 13 that she hates you and never wants to see you again and you're the worst mother ever in the history of the entire world, are you going to take her word as gospel then?

Original poster
OhEmGee24 · 16/09/2012 10:09

I've asked several times can he see her a couple of short bursts a week and his precise words (I still have the text) was "I'm already giving up a day of my weekend, I'm not giving up my evenings too".

As for seeing her other grandparents etc, see original post. They've never made an effort to even send a card let along meet her since the day she was born.

OP posts:
Offred · 16/09/2012 10:10

My ex is totally crap. I volunteer, am studying for a degree in law and have had twins with DH as well as my eldest two, I actually cannot make any time or effort to chase disinterested xp about inviting him to things. He now sees them (7 and 6) for 1 1/2 hours in a playcentre or pub Hmm every week.

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 16/09/2012 10:11

Would you have let him have her for Christmas and her birthday? Which would have meant you wouldn't have seen her for the birthday or for Christmas?

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 16/09/2012 10:12

I meant that as an example of hugging it up op not as that's what they do.

So change it to the park/cinema/playing tea parties, whatever to make it seem like fun. Tell her you're doing something she really dislikes if you have to. It's about encouraging her to want to go!

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 16/09/2012 10:13

And I hate to say this but 8 months is awfully soon to be moving in with "James". I didn't move DP in here until we'd been together 2 years and he didn't even meet my kids until the Christmas after we started dating - we starting going out together in the March.

Offred · 16/09/2012 10:13

You can't make him a better dad but it might be a good idea to go to mediation so you can explain why you want him to come at a different time - two evenings or mornings instead of all day and more regularly than every 3 weeks.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 16/09/2012 10:13

Hmm bigging not hugging

Offred · 16/09/2012 10:15

But as I said if he is not up to coparenting and wants to be a weekend dad two evenings would be preferable to an all day contact where he fails to feed her.

Mydogsleepsonthebed · 16/09/2012 10:19

But if he only has her one day during the day would it really matter if she had beans on toast or a McDonalds or even a pile of rubbish? For a few hours it's not going to kill her - he only has her on a Sunday daytime. Confused

struwelpeter · 16/09/2012 10:20

Think of the answers you may have to give her as she reaches different stages in her life ie is James my daddy? Because she may ask that when she reaches school.
Why aren't you and my daddy together.
I want to see my daddy more
and yes, the teenage one "I hate you, you didn't let me see my dad, I want to live with him, James is not my real dad" ... fill in the appropriate teenage crap as necessary.
She will need answers to those questions and if you are the one stable parent, then it will be you who has to give them sensitively and appropriately as asked.
I suggest thinking about what you would like crap dad to do on a regular basis, put it to him in writing and ask for a response in writing and then you will have definitive reply ie it would be nice if you saw DD every week, do you think you may want to have her overnight? I'm giving her some toys but not food, can you let me have your parents address so that I can send some pix and perhaps they may wish to get in contact with her, send presents or see her?
Keep some stuff about her dad and about what you tried to do in a box so that you can show her when she is older.
If James were her real dad, you wouldn't be getting weekends or nights off, if dad is utterly crap then best not to expect much from him and be happily surprised when he comes up with the goods.

roughtyping · 16/09/2012 10:22

He sounds like an absolute idiot, but you can't stop him seein her. My DS's dad is... Errr a bit rubbish Hmm he moved across the country when we split up, sees DS approx once a year, sometimes not even that. I've never stopped him (have had to encourage him to see him lots of times) and understand that it's horrible to send your child to someone who really doesn't seem to give a shit. But it's really important that it's not YOU that stands in the way of contact - you never want ex to turn round when your child is older and blame you for them not seeing your child Angry