My ex is a crap dad (long)

[OhEmGee24]

This is long just dont want to drip feed sorry. My ex and I split when dd was 2 weeks old. I had a traumatic birth resulting in 3a tear which required two rounds of surgery. Thankfully I had lots of support from friends and family to help with baby as ex never offered. She is now nearly 2.4. Since she was 4 months I have received £280 per month maintenance much to his disapproval. He is however a totally shit dad..Of all the weekends in the year he chose last Christmas and her second birthday to go away. He has never had her over night as he won't buy a cot/toddler bed and says I should. He sees her 8.30-5.30 on a Sunday although three weeks have gone by since that happened as he's "too busy", this is frequent. When he does, i have to provide her bag of changing stuff and food as I cant trust that he'd feed her properly. He has never ever text or called randomly in the week to ask how she's doing. His family live in Cape Town (he's south African) and have never made the trip to meet dd, nor send her a card at all. Ex is 27 but my god he needs to grow up.

By total contrast, she has an incredible father figure in my boyfriend of 8 months. He's 32 and the difference in maturity is blinding. Dd calls him Daddy James (name change)which was her own decision. They play together wonderfully and his parents and sister also treat dd like a member of their family and are always calling to ask how she is. Dp and I are moving in together soon so he will become an even more permanent figure in her life.

What can I do? Does ex legally HAVE to see her even when there is zero effort. Dd clearly doesn't like going on the few occasions she does. I hate seeing her crying :( Now she's able to voice her opinion I feel I should take her decision as gospel but can I really do that?

Sorry for long post. Em x

OP your dd is too young to decide to call your bf "daddy" anything. Please listen, you need to correct her, not ignore her.

I can see why this would hurt. But I have to agree with the many other posters. My partner isn't my elder dc's dad, and ds was perhaps about the same age as your dd when we introduced him. He has never called him daddy, despite him never seeing his own, and I mean never. I think providing changing stuff and food is sensible tbh, I wouldn't expect him to have nappies and clothes spare for one day a week, especially if she doesn't have her own space at his house. As for his family, you say they're in South Africa. That's a hell of a way to come. Are you sure they even know of your daughter's existence? Sorry to be blunt. Some people are just shits though sadly. Ds's dad lives (or lived, no idea where he is now) literally streets away, his family live in the next town. I've not heard from them in 3 years. Keep that as a seperate issue.
Your new partner on the other hand is something I can relate to. But 8 months is astonishingly quick to be calling him a 'father figure'. To again be blunt, you have set a precedent that if it doesn't work out with him, then you are ok with introducing and involving them in your daughters life far too soon. I've seen too many of my friends do this to their children and it just doens;t end well. I have one whose eldest daughter, at just 8 years old, has called 3 diffferent men daddy. It's lovely that his parents and family are so involved, my dp's parents are the same with my other children and it's lovely that even though only one is their 'real' grandchild, all are treated equally. But it's moving very very quickly, and as much as you might want to, you cannot replace her real family and just pretend they don't exist. That makes you as bad as them.

Just to add - my partner has been in DS's life since he was 9 months old, he's nearly 9 now. He's always called him by his first name and has just recently cottoned on to the concept of 'step dad' (since we got engaged). DP moved in with us 1 year ago.

I can find nothing wrong with your DD calling your DP "daddy James" he has a very close relationship with her-more so than her daddy. As long as the James is not dropped --fine.
As to the contact well if he asks to see her you have to encourge it but if he doesn't you don't need to ask him to call/visit.
As she gets older he will probably see him less anad less.
Good luck you DP and his family sound lovely

The whole tone of "hopefully she'll see him less" I find very very sad.

What has this bloke done wrong? He pays maintenance. Regularly. Which means he's working. Lots of single parents, me included, get no maintenance whatsoever. So he doesn't want to have his daughter for a couple of hours in the evenings - what time does he finish work? what time does he get home? Maybe there's not enough time for him to see her for a decent stretch before she goes to bed?

As far as his family are concerned, how do you know OhEmGee24 that they haven't sent a card? They wouldn't send it to you they'd send it to their son, not you, so how would you know? Maybe they can't afford to travel from South Africa to visit - that's expensive.

Yes, he's not having her over night but would you let him? If he can't feed her properly?

There's two sides to every story and I honestly don't think the dad in this scenario is the worst - he's not perfect, but neither is he the worst.

I don't see that calling him daddy James is a big deal, if he is ok with it and your daughter is, then carry on.
I don't know why people are defending the NR father, he sounds crap and unreliable.

Perhaps change contact to fortnightly, I had to do this as my DexP found it "too much" and now he's moe likely to turn up.

Calling him Daddy James after only 8 months you wouldn't have a problem with ZigZagWanderer? You don't think that's too soon? I would. And I would have a problem if my ex had a girlfriend on the scene for only a few months and my kids were being encouraged to call her "Mummy Betty".

My kids call DP by his first name. I don't think it's appropriate to put a "daddy" in front of it. They have a daddy.

The reason not to allow a 2.4 year old to attach "daddy" to her mum's bf's name is that she cannot possibly at that age make an informed decision about it. My 7 and 6 year olds are still working through understanding what "biological" "step" and "half" mean when attached to roles like "dad" and "sibling" that is why they still call DH by his first name. At 2.4 she will not remember how she came to that name or why and she will not be able to make an informed decision about it or prompted to think about the issues it presents. All it does is confuse and to devalue the word "daddy".

i agree with the general consensus on here. Her dad does seem a bit crap but you can't stop her seeing him. Its very unwise for anyone to stop their child seeing their parent or other significant family member as it will come back to haunt them. Children do grow up and see the truth, not just one person's side of it. Obviously where the person is a threat to the child then this doesn't apply and has to be explained. Step-families are more vulnerable to splitting up. James may well be wonderful and you may stay together forever but odds are more against it than if he were her biological father. I only say this as its a bloody good reason for her to stay in touch with her father and know who she is and where she came from.

I think the child should go with what she is comfortable with calling him, the 'daddy" part she won't won't fully understand until later, then she can change her mind.
We shouldn't be giving the ex too much consideration with how he feels about the "daddy James" name calling, after all he hasn't exactly been dad of the year.

About calling a GF mummy, that wouldn't be a threat for me, it is just a name and the child will be clear about who his/her mummy really is.
They are just names after all.

I don't think the ex here should be pushed out btw, but it is up to him to be proving how reliable he is and how much he wants to be a dad.

How realistic is that though zigzag? She. Won't just "change her mind" it potentially deprives her of the opportunity to think about it for herself at all.

To very little children they might just be names but as they grow they start to explore both what those names mean to them and what they mean to society and the other people around them. "daddy" is not her mum's boyfriend, daddy is her daddy and until she can properly understand what being a daddy means I don't think it is right to encourage or allow her to think someone other than her daddy, in the absolute strictest sense of the word, should be called daddy. Step fathers can gain the name daddy but not at the expense of the child or the biological dad I think.

My partner has been step dad to my DS since 8 months, he's 13 now and calls him by his name. However he looks up to him like he's his dad, more than he does his dad. But that's his dads fault.

Op don't actively cut him out, this will backfire in the long run.
Be open and accommodating, but don't do the work for him, he needs to make the effort and your daughter needs to see him make the effort.
Above all he needs to be consistent and reliable.
If he can't do this, your DD will pick up on it and from that she can make her own choices later.
I would keep packing a bag, it's a pain but some men really have no clue what's best to feed kids. But chips won't hurt

i've read several times (books and publications aimed at separated families) that children should be allowed to choose a name that they are comfortable with. I know this is controversial and raises many emotions but it is a common view put forward by professionals working with separated families. FWIW my DSS called me Mummy for a couple of years then stopped and reverted to my first name only. Cue flaming...

I tend to agree you should discourage the daddy James thing but I don't think you deserve the responses on here. Your ex is clearly a plonked but he is her father and has the right to see her. I think anyone who doesn't spend a lot of time with small children would find it difficult with such a small person and it's possible that as she gets older his relationship will improve. Before ds , I adored my various nieces and nephews but found spending long periods with them alone hard as I didn't spend enough time with them for it to be natural.

As for his family, I would suggest you contact them. You don't know what he has told them. You don't know if they are simply trying not to invade your space etc. I am south African and I know a lot of older SA parents in this situation would be heart broken but would not want to impose on you. But that is, of course, a huge generalisation. I think you should email them with some pictures and open the lines of communication. And as for them not sending anything - my friends and I regularly lament how crap our parents all are at this. There's a real mistrust of the postal system, which is also very expensive so they just don't do it. My mum very occasionally sends a card but never a parcel and dh's mum has never sent anything. This is true for every south African with children who lives outside of south africa that I know. And it tends to particularly upset partners who are not also from SA.

I disagree, daddy James is what she chooses to call him, she will understand more about relationships as she grows and she will know the difference between Daddy and Daddy James. Names are fairly insignificant, she could call him fucknuts but would still have the same relationship with him.

She's not even 2 and a half.

How is she "choosing" what to call him - someone has put the notion in her head at that age that he should be "Daddy James"

Names are not insignificant to society at all and a 2.4 year old cannot possibly be truly comfortable with using the word "daddy" for her mum's boyfriend as she cannot possibly hope to understand thee issues involved with that situation at that age.

And I disagree that calling him "Daddy" anything is insignificant - as I said, I wouldn't be happy with it, especially for a boyfriend of only 8 months. Or if the boot was on the other foot and it was a girlfriend of only a few months for her to be called "Mummy".

And apart from anything else I can't see why it is even necessary to allow it. What possible benefit could there be? Apart from confusing or embarrassing or making her feel cheated later on and causing difficulty between her and her biological father. I cannot see why that should be acceptable. 2.4 year olds cannot be expected to self-regulate either their emotional development or their learning about family relationships.

If my seven year old felt comfortable calling my DH dad now I'd speak to him and see how he felt but I do correct my 2.10 year olds when they copy my big two and call xp "daddy" because he isn't their daddy, DH is. They are just copying it is not because they feel comfortable with it.

Offred I agree. And I'd be interested to know who put the idea into the 2 year old's head that "James" was Daddy.

Op, this sound an awful situation for you. And for DD.

Having to send her off with someon she has little connection with, and doesnt want to go with, especially when he clearly doesnt give a shit, must be heartbreaking.

Have you considered making more formal contact arrangements? Or mediation? If he has officially agreed to a set table of contact then he may be more inclined to prioritise it.

Some of the replies on this thread are thoroughly depressing, i struggle to understand why anyone would have such low expectations of a nrp. Regular contact that is adhered to, interest in his child between visits and wanting to be around for birthdays and christmases are basics, surely?

Unfortunately foosa sometimes the basics you can expect from a NRP are that they do not harm the dc while they have them.

The thing is, would the OP have let the dad have her daughter for all of Christmas and all of her birthday on his own? He may feel really uncomfortable in her house, he may not want to be there. He may be feeling pushed out by her family and not want to be around them.

As I said, he's not the worst (not the best either, but not the worst) he's paying his maintenance and he sees his daughter at least occasionally - might be worth going to court and setting a structure to the contact so that he has more "set" days and feels more obligated to turn up.

I don't contact my children when they are with their dad on holiday for example, or on his access weekends - does that make me a bad mother?

And I'm concerned that "Daddy James" has only been around for a few months yet the OP is moving in with him and her toddler is being encouraged to call him Daddy. I didn't introduce my children to my partner for 9 months and he didn't move in here for much longer - I think it's a bit quick. Also, OP, if you are moving in with "Daddy James" will you be moving further from your ex? Will he have to travel to see his child once you move?