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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

best friend ishoos please help..this is complicated.and long...please stick with it

49 replies

omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:04

there is a slight risk I may "out myself" here but dont care
for the last 4 years I have organised a winter adults gurlie spa break for close friends to centreparcs usually runs at £40 a head
Also had a couple of family hols to same with me and BFF and dcs
last time was a balls up as my dd and her dd fought whole time (my dd was the more aggressor as her dd 5 mines 8 but was not completely to blame for everything) but we agreed that taking dds together again complete no no

This past year due to childcare probs have set up own business as CM and put EVERY PENNY into it to the tune of 2k overdrawn
this year 2 of our mutual close friends getting married, and so said couldnt afford spa break/wouldnt have holidays left so I was like well I can ask some other friends Im sure would go

I couldnt afford hen weekends (looking at at least £200 each) + didnt have babysitter for dd2 which i was gutted at, also went to first wedding reception with £7 in my purse bought one round stayed 2 hours went home said wasnt feeling well but actually no money to stay

2nd wedding falls on dds bday and having a party for her so cant go
also my other dd birthday this month (17 wants driving lessons) plus dp (boyfriend we have been dating 5 years but do not live together) is 40 so need to get him nice present
But was still trying to save for spa break

Found out through best friends husband that best friend has booked centreparcs winter wonderland with DH and dd but didnt tell me
When i asked her why she said couldn't face telling me that she had dingied spa break to go on hol with husband and kid???? Im her BFF??
WTF?
SO i booked spa weekend with DP anyway and told her I was going with him anyway so no big deal

Today had chance to go to other brides "hen tea party" really wanted to go but couldnt make it as had care commission report due and HAD to do it
also tonight BFF and other friends invited me to restaurant for meal but BFF told me her car was already full and I would have to drive myself
I havent got money for meal or petrol
My DD1 (16) went to tea party came back and told me that "im not making the effort to go out with friends, why the fuck should they make the effort to come on spa break if i dont make effort to got to hen weekends and weddings and meals?"

She's supposed to be my best friend I dont understand that she feels this way im not dingying her I dont have money, PLUS I lent her £100 that I had saved for dd2s party so she could go an hen weekend (she didnt want to tell DP she had spent money) she gave me it back as soon as was paid but if i hadn't lent her that she would have been in the shit

So How am I not making the effort? I feel like shit please help

OP posts:
IawnCont · 15/09/2012 23:08

Your best friend told your daughter to tell you those things?
BFF is a term invented by six-year-olds.

squeakytoy · 15/09/2012 23:19

sorry, but you sound as though you are a teenager yourself!

Tell your friends you have no money. If they are your real friends they will understand and not think you are just avoiding them.

I have no idea what dingying means..

Rowanhart · 15/09/2012 23:20

To be honest I think she has a point. You have money for Spa weekend but not to go to a close friends wedding? If I was that mate I'd be gutted.

I don't know why you wouldn't uses break from writing report go to tea party.

You need to make more effort or risk losing friends. Friendshios, like all relationships, need love and time invested in them.

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:24

yeah ok but you know what i mean. and no i dont think she was supposed to tell me but it was obviously being talked about so she felt she had to tell me. I would have loved to go on 2nd hen weekend, first was a festival and i dont do the camping thing anyway plus didnt have babysitter but the bride seemed fine with me not going she is easygoing, but my best friend said she was camping im like sorry not for me then too late for me to get tickets told me she had found hotel not fully booked and was not slumming it in a tent i sat here crying when they were psoting pics feeling sorry for myself cos i couldnt make it but regardless of money i still wouldnt have had a babysitter for dd2 anyway. I really wanted to go and really really felt like shit, my hen night was a meal then a club, this was a whole weekend and I just could not find a way to do it...I admit I was jealous they had a blast but I just couldnt do it being a single parent and no money or babysitter

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 15/09/2012 23:24

I am totally confused.

Is it.......
You usually go for a spa break with a friend but you can't afford to go this year so your friend is going on holiday with her own dh and her own child but she didn't tell you?

squeakytoy · 15/09/2012 23:25

actually, having read it all again.. I can see your friends point now..

"this year 2 of our mutual close friends getting married, and so said couldnt afford spa break/wouldnt have holidays left so I was like well I can ask some other friends Im sure would go"

So 2 of your close friends are getting married, and you were more bothered about having your spa weekend than going to their wedding...

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:28

I actually dont have money for spa weekend rowan, Dp felt sorry for me and is helping me with the money, so the spa week would have been off for me anyway if he hadnt have offered to take me to cheer me up. The reason the report had to get done was that some CUNT hacked my email and I forgot to inform care commission about my new email address had been sitting in my inbox since June and had my inspector call me and said had to be done ASAP as my inspection is due

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/09/2012 23:29

you have been with your "dp" for five years, why could he not babysit, or why couldnt your eldest daughter, or why not your youngest childs father have her?

you actually sound like high maintenance hard work.. sorry to be harsh, but you really do..

"my best friend said she was camping im like sorry not for me then too late for me to get tickets told me she had found hotel not fully booked and was not slumming it in a tent i sat here crying when they were psoting pics feeling sorry for myself"

So you refuse to go if it was camping because its "not for you"..

Dryjuice25 · 15/09/2012 23:30

So much going on.....maybe bff not keen as dcs will fight?

What is wrong with telling friends you're broke?

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:31

I went to first wedding second falls on dds birthday and I did have chat with her about changing party to another day but she was crying and I felt like shit, the hen weekends were more than I could afford as at least £200 each, but still saving for spa weekend as not till jan so maybe by then would have managed to cobble together the £40 for accommodation plus about £150 for spa, its £40 a day for spa and usually go to aldi for food as self catering, anyway really out of the question for me too when I look properly at finances, but DP is going to help out with the money side

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/09/2012 23:32

Ok. Think the issue is summed up when you say you excused yourself from the wedding party because you werent feeling well when actually you were just skint.

If you are hiding the fact you are skint then they are assuming that you are ditching them. Have you considered just telling them the truth.

Aside from that, you all sound very "keeping up with the Joneses" and involving your DD was inappropriate on your friends part.

Do you actually like each other or is it a friendship based on flash events and holidays? Is there always this kind of tension?

squeakytoy · 15/09/2012 23:33

It sounds like you need to sort your money out first before planning all these social events... Confused

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:34

Ive told my friends im broke, but thier "broke" and my "broke" dont seem to be the same thing, my bank ac is sitting at -£1800 thier broke is having to break into their overdraft. I didnt not go to hen nights because was savign for spa break as at time had no money saved towards it, it was money AND babysitting issues

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/09/2012 23:39

Sorry but the sodding spa break is making me want to scream.

Its went from £40 a head to £40 plus £150 plus food.

Why is it so effing important? If you are setting up a business then sacrifices have to be made. If my friend told me she couldnt afford to attend my wedding but then kept on about a spa break I would be pretty pissed off.

Forget spa breaks until you get out of your overdraft.

squeakytoy · 15/09/2012 23:42

Well if you are nearly 2k overdrawn, spa breaks should be the last thing on your mind...

You didnt suddenly get that overdrawn over night, so has your glitzy lifestyle been costing you a lot more than you could already afford?

It sounds like the people in your social circle are a bit more sensible with their finances, or have more money, but either way, if they are true friends, they will understand if you explain to them that you cannot afford to do all these luxury breaks.

Dryjuice25 · 15/09/2012 23:45

Feel exhausted reading that...

Does DP know you are in debt? I'm sure he wouldn't expect too much and might help you not get too deep into the red?

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:46

@wanna I have been best friends with her since i was 18. Im 38 now, so 20 years. I moved to this village to be beside her. But there is a big issue in that out dds just do not get on, her DD is adorable very princessy girlie but does not shut up ever, whcih my dd finds too annoying and my dd has problems with her aggression which is causing us to spend less time together. My dd call her auntie and her dd calls me auntie. But my best friend has been distanceing herself sing the fateful centreparcs break where it was awful, her dd and my dd fought like hell. she has found another friend who has a dd that gets on wiht her dd like a house on fire and has been spending all her time with her. But I understand that, thier dds get on great so why should they not hang out?
anyway she knows exactly how bad my bank balance is because I have told her/ She works for minimum wage but her Dh gets a good wage and I know she doesn't truly "get" what its like to go to the cashline and not even be able to get a tenner out, she just does not get that when I say Im skint, I mean I actually have NO money at all...

OP posts:
Rowanhart · 15/09/2012 23:50

Hear hear wannabe. I can't come to your weddings, or free hen party as am skint (poor me..)

I can afford a spa break though.

I'd be effing furious if ou were my mate.

SavoyCabbage · 15/09/2012 23:50

You definitely shouldn't be having spa breaks then. And you should have gone to the wedding even if it's on your dd's birthday. It's unfortunate of course that it's her birthday but it can't be helped.

My dd is 5 too and it's her birthday next week and her party is not on her birthday as it's a joint party. I didn't go into the far end of it with her. I just told her when it was going to be. She's lucky to be having a party. (mean)

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:50

squeaky its not my glitzy lifestyle, I am doing an SVQ in childrens care learning and development that is £100 a month, I had to do first aid which was £130 and basic hygine which was £74. I had to join SCMA and get insurance for childminding which was £77 I had to make alterations to my house, build a fence and buy a load of toys to start my child minding business, which is where the £2k went, at the moment I charge £3,50 per hour but most children come at different times so am working for £3.50 per hour sometimes afterschool I have two so I get £7 per hour. I have £40 bank charges every month for being overdrawn, believe me I am not living a life of glitz.

OP posts:
Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:52

what do you mean "free hen party" the hen WEEKENDS were in excess of £200 each AND I DIDNT HAVE A BABYSITTER

OP posts:
Rowanhart · 15/09/2012 23:53

Whether your partner was paying for it or not. Yououkd use partner's money to go to wedding.

Also you could move daughter's party tbf. It's your friends wedding for god sake which takes precedence over a five year olds party which could be any other day that week.

Rowanhart · 15/09/2012 23:53

The tea party today?!

Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:53

And I wouldnt have been able to afford the spa break DP is paying as a christmas gift

OP posts:
Original poster
omfgkillmenow · 15/09/2012 23:54

I had to WORK and as dd1 (16) went I was at home with dd2 (8)

OP posts: