best friend ishoos please help..this is complicated.and long...please stick with it

[omfgkillmenow]

there is a slight risk I may "out myself" here but dont care
for the last 4 years I have organised a winter adults gurlie spa break for close friends to centreparcs usually runs at £40 a head
Also had a couple of family hols to same with me and BFF and dcs
last time was a balls up as my dd and her dd fought whole time (my dd was the more aggressor as her dd 5 mines 8 but was not completely to blame for everything) but we agreed that taking dds together again complete no no

This past year due to childcare probs have set up own business as CM and put EVERY PENNY into it to the tune of 2k overdrawn
this year 2 of our mutual close friends getting married, and so said couldnt afford spa break/wouldnt have holidays left so I was like well I can ask some other friends Im sure would go

I couldnt afford hen weekends (looking at at least £200 each) + didnt have babysitter for dd2 which i was gutted at, also went to first wedding reception with £7 in my purse bought one round stayed 2 hours went home said wasnt feeling well but actually no money to stay

2nd wedding falls on dds bday and having a party for her so cant go
also my other dd birthday this month (17 wants driving lessons) plus dp (boyfriend we have been dating 5 years but do not live together) is 40 so need to get him nice present
But was still trying to save for spa break

Found out through best friends husband that best friend has booked centreparcs winter wonderland with DH and dd but didnt tell me
When i asked her why she said couldn't face telling me that she had dingied spa break to go on hol with husband and kid???? Im her BFF??
WTF?
SO i booked spa weekend with DP anyway and told her I was going with him anyway so no big deal

Today had chance to go to other brides "hen tea party" really wanted to go but couldnt make it as had care commission report due and HAD to do it
also tonight BFF and other friends invited me to restaurant for meal but BFF told me her car was already full and I would have to drive myself
I havent got money for meal or petrol
My DD1 (16) went to tea party came back and told me that "im not making the effort to go out with friends, why the fuck should they make the effort to come on spa break if i dont make effort to got to hen weekends and weddings and meals?"

She's supposed to be my best friend I dont understand that she feels this way im not dingying her I dont have money, PLUS I lent her £100 that I had saved for dd2s party so she could go an hen weekend (she didnt want to tell DP she had spent money) she gave me it back as soon as was paid but if i hadn't lent her that she would have been in the shit

So How am I not making the effort? I feel like shit please help

People grow apart.

Yes twenty years should mean something. But sometimes it just doesnt. I think you should try to accept that maybe the friendship is coming to an end, or atleast toning down, and try to make new friends of your own.

But you really need to get a grip on your finances and stop comparing yourself to others.

Why did you not get a proper business loan to do this then? It is madness to do it on your overdraft.

dd2 IS 8 and it is the first time her birthday has fell on a saturday since she was a baby. But say I did say no, have your party the next day, I would sitll have to buy outfit for wedding and have cashe to spend at wedding whcih i simply dont have, and if you read my earlier post you will see that dp and I are boyfrind/girlfrind we do not live togherher and i vertainly do not ask him for money, not ever!

I find it hard to believe you couldn't have popped for an hour. Especially as you are spending plenty of time on here.

It feels like everything is in your terms and everything comes before your friendships. Your daughter's party, your money, your work, your spa break are all more important than important events in your friends lives.

So you can't really complain when they make more effort for the other things in their life.

If you want to be more of a priority to your friends you need to make her more of a priority too.

Maybe I am judging you harshly on the fact that the term "spa break" is incredibly pretentious. If so I apologise.

Do you live with DP? Why are your finances split to the point of him lending you money like this?

And you should look into grants/some kind of business support to get that overdraft down.

But the reason you couldn't go to the hen tea party today was because you had to do this report, right? Not to do with money?

Your life sounds a bit on the chaotic side TBH, which must be very stressful. You'd probably feel less shit if you took a step back and planned a bit more, both finances and work.

squeaky toy, I didn't know how. I applied for grants but LA does not give them and business gateway start at £20k so not for me. I thought by now id be making a profit, but not yet. Although I have picked up 2 new clients this week so things are looking up, but it is the first year and to have survived is an achievement I think.

I love this girl. I do not think that the frindship will end but it looks like its changing to a less full on relationship, which i guess is ok. I do have lots of friends shes not my only friend by anymeans its jsut that we have been through so much, i didn my pregnancy test in her loo and she did hers with me...Its like our kids have got in the way of our friendship and I am very about it all. Its not a about the spa break its about the fact that she could feel she could tell me she had booked with DH. We used to tell each other everything. now we tell each other playground gossip. I am very sad.

Wanna the spa break is 3 days £40 a head for digs and 2x £40 for spa +food a and a few bottles of wine. Dp and I am boyfriend/gfriend we do not live together have been dating see each other once twice a week and have the odd weekend when he doesnt have DC's not very often maybe 4 times a year. Not at the level to be asking for money at any rate.

Over simplyfying here but...

At £7 per hour you are going to have to work over 256 hours before you break even (working on £1800 being your outlay) so making a profit might not be so imminent.

Have you taken a bookkeeping or business course?

As for your friendships...maybe its a good thing that its cooling off. Now you can use the space to get your business up and running. Its ok to be sad. But dont get caught up in all the ins and outs!

Mad bus lady yes i HAD to do report or else I would have gone, sent DD1 told her to give my utmost apologies and represent our family

I have done accounting at college as part of HNC I am just counting on getting more clients and care commission report and inspection are vital to that end. I do have3 out of schoolers on a Tuesday so make £10.50 an hour for 2 hours on a Tuesday!!

But am throwing all the money back in to business, buying car seats to do school run, new toys, new decor in playroom, i want to make this a viable business and do the very best for my clients so when they talk to their mates I do get good recommendations, keep building my skills going on training, I want to be the very very best at what I do so that when I am full and getting all 6's on my report I have earned it fair and square

I feel exhausted reading all of this.

I think you sound very stressed out, very highly strung.

This is draining for you and no doubt draining for all those around you including your best friend.

Apart from anything else, why on earth shouldn't she book a holiday with her dh and why should she have to tell you?

You say she no longer tells you everything and you just chat in the playground - that's called life. You seem stuck in the past, expecting and wanting a teen-style friendship.

You are putting a lot of pressure on her and the friendship.

I think you need to work on relaxing a bit more, getting on top of your stress and anger, getting on top of your finances, biting your tongue and taking a step back.

Oh and get your priorities right. Friends' weddings really should come before spa breaks and birthday parties.

Spas ..........Why?

Agree Red.The whole concept makes me nauseous.

Are you 12?

Proudandscary has got it right, IMO. Your good friends shouldn't be so overinvolved in each other's lives anyway, no one should be justifying who pays for what holiday and you shouldn't be annoyed your friend booked a trip with her husband. Equally, I do think you could have moved a child's birthday party, it's quite simple and makes your daughter sound princessy! You do seem to have a lot of reasons why you can't go to stuff, and if you can't why not send a small gift (very cheap) and a card, and book something else another time. You can't just not turn up to social function after social function (like wedding stuff) and expect people not to notice.

Surely you should have gone to the tea party and let your 16yr old babysit your 8yr old. You must have paid your dd's way anyway.

You should've made the effort to turn up even for a short while. I get that you had this report, but why had you left it to the last minute, when you knew you were invited to this?

TBH, I don't think you have BF issues. I think you have DD2 issues.

She's 8. She threw a tantrum because you wanted to celebrate her birthday on a day other than the actual date. She fought so badly with your BF's 5 year old (FIVE, FFS) that your BF doesn't want to sound time with you all anymore. She has aggression issues. Poor lass.

Are you sure that this isn't the real reason your BF is cooling it?

And, if I were looking for a childminder, I'd be very reluctant to choose one with an aggressive 8 year old.

How are you dealing with her behaviour?

....your BF doesn't want to spend time with you...

I don't understand you OP. You seem like your friends are way down on your priority list (birthday parties, reports and 'spa breaks' all coming over their weddings/hen nights) but you expect to be at the top of theirs.
Life doesn't work like that.
You also sound like a bit of a flake tbh. I imagine it's quite trying being your 'BFF'.

Btw your problem if you are 'outed' in RL is not your friend being annoyed - but that your posts contain unpleasant and unprofessional sounding criticism of a five year old girl. Given that you're a child minder and all.

Don't see why you can't just tell friends things are on hold until you get your business up and running when your finances will improve.

Very brave of you to set up on your own, sounds like it is coming along well but it will take time until you reap financial rewards and by time I mean a year or two. Menwhile life will be hard. But you sound very focused and I am sure it will be a success. And DDs might have to suck it up for a while.

Am not clear on ages of DCs but an 8 year old will not want to play with a 5 year old (or only occasionally) and can't see that changing.

Can you arrange an ann summers or make up or something party at yours with just wine and nibbles (and hopefully a small share of the profits) and invite BF and a few others.

Or just a girls night in with dvd.