Feel as though I`m being blackmailed!

[Nat38]

Hi all
Hope you you can help me again!
Ive recently separated from DH(May), thought it was going ok-ish, friends, sharing childcare whenever I needed it , holidays due to grants that I was getting & seperate spending money but me bearing the brunt of kids spending money. I have 2 DDs!
But, DM does not believe we have split up & that we are diddling the benefit system, SO UNTRUE<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Angry" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/angry-BLHnmhGV.png"> I would love to have her support at this difficult time. Am living under the threat of her reporting me to the benefits people! Now, my ex has dropped a bombshell of reporting me for the amount of drinking I do!<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> Yes, I have the odd drink while Im in charge of DD`s & yes I have a bit more when ex-DH is due for a sleepover, all in the name of seeing his children & getting free meals & getting away from his sister who he now lives with in the family home which their parents left them after dying.
I am so gutted that they can treat me like this, but maybe it is my own fault for being so easy going & understanding & so unlike my DM & trying to to keep my ex-DH in my kids life under any circumstance, that I am a mug!!
Can I please ask for your honest opinions. PLEASE!
TIA(I am in tears writing this)

How many units does the 'odd drink' amount to while you're in charge of the dds?

Has ex-h gone so far to make some report/complaint against you? If so to who or what organisation?

I would suggest you stop being a mug providing your ex with meals and overnight stays whenever it suits him which will have the advantage of him not knowing how much you imbibe unless you tell him.

In addition, his permanent exclusion from his former marital home may serve to convince your dm that you're not diddling the benefits system.

It seems you've been making a rod for your own back and now it's time to snap it.

Are you divorced from your 'ex-H'? If not, it's time to start the ball rolling to legally make him your ex-H.

Having re-read your OP it's clear you're not divorced and instituting proceedings will have the added advantage of reassuring your dm that you're not on the fiddle.

I can kind of understand where your mum is coming from. you have split with dh but still have him stay over? How often?
Its difficult to comment on your ex. Often people think they don't drink much and they drink far too much. Or he maybe a twat. In which case stop him staying over.
Who has he reported you too?

I think you really need to stop your Ex from sleeping over if it makes you feel like you need to drink more. How much are you drinking? You can be honest here, it's anonymous

Time to stop the sleepovers and free food, he can take the kids to his place (he'll need to find one if SIL doesn't agree) Or only see them in the day time.

Dont drink for 2/3 nights a week, Thursday 2 cans of Scrumpy Jack cider Friday 3/4 cans, Saturday 3 cans, Sunday 3 cans. Ex-h sleeps over either Friday or Saturday. This week its tonight, Ive had 5 cans knowing that he is here & Ive had a busy week!!

you probably are drinking too much

Yous re well over the recommended 14units per week and 5 cans tonight is borderline for the being a binge drinker..

Your ex is right so be careful

aghhhh

5 cans tonight is borderline as being classed as a binge drinker

Imo, that's too much per week.

Now he`s acting as though nothing has happened-no ultimatum & as though he has every right to be here as though he still lives here!
I am now getting angry! Is this normal?

Also the fact that you 'need' it because he is there and have had a busy week would indicate an issue.

oh okI have got a problem, I will get it sorted, EX-H has got a point in reporting me!
I have to get this problem sorted else I`ll have my dear children taken off me!!

Op you are not making sense. Perhaps you have drank too much. I think you may be best waiting until tomorrow and re evaluate the situation.

Who is he reporting you to?

I think that is a lot of alchohol tbh.

Your posts are comin across a bit drunk sounding too

5 cans of strong cider might explain why you are feeling angry.

You wont get your children taken off you just for drinking that much alcohol... But it is a lot and will be affecting your health.

yes probably was alcohol getting angry, but overall feeling is sadness at possibly losing my children!
I think I will have to join AA

Also sadness at being had for a mug by Ex-H & not being believed by DM.
Feels as though I`m living under a cloud of blackmail by both of them for not conforming to how I should be in their opinions.

You're not going to lose your dc and you don't necessarily have to join AA.

All you need to do is restrict your alcohol intake to no more than 1 can a night 3/4 times a week with dinner/food when you're in sole charge of the dc and preferably after they've gone to bed, and don't allow your, hopefully, stbxh to stay over in your home or enter it all when he's got one of his own that he can take the dc to.

If your dm sees that you are not continuing to play house with your, hopefully, stbxh and are moving to divorce him, I suspect she'll get off your case.

Tip: one can of cider/lager goes a lot further when diluted with lemonade.

or enter it at all... there really is no reason why he should set foot across your threshold, is there?

If your DH is in your house tonight and you've drunk 5 cans of cider, he may be trying to express concern about your drinking by threatening to report you.

If you went round to his house, where your DCs lived, and he'd drunk 5 cans, would you be concerned?

You won't be able to sort this tonight anyway, you've drunk too much. Go to bed and sleep it off and think about it in the morning when you're sober.

It may be the drink but you are making more of this, than you need to.
You have been asked a few times, who is could be reporting you to and haven't answered. So I will assume its SS. The amount you drink isn't healthy and mot a great idea when you kids are in the house, id he is there or not. Especially if you find you are getting angry. But it will not cause as to remove the children.
AA is an option, but at the moment do you feel able to cut down yourself? If not speak to your gp for some support.
I really think you need to stop him staying over.
Is there a sexual relationship still happening?
What are the reasons your mum Thinks you are committing benefit fraud? I can't imagine someone just coming up with it for no reason.