Feel as though I`m being blackmailed!

[Nat38]

Hi all
Hope you you can help me again!
Ive recently separated from DH(May), thought it was going ok-ish, friends, sharing childcare whenever I needed it , holidays due to grants that I was getting & seperate spending money but me bearing the brunt of kids spending money. I have 2 DDs!
But, DM does not believe we have split up & that we are diddling the benefit system, SO UNTRUE<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Angry" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/angry-BLHnmhGV.png"> I would love to have her support at this difficult time. Am living under the threat of her reporting me to the benefits people! Now, my ex has dropped a bombshell of reporting me for the amount of drinking I do!<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> Yes, I have the odd drink while Im in charge of DD`s & yes I have a bit more when ex-DH is due for a sleepover, all in the name of seeing his children & getting free meals & getting away from his sister who he now lives with in the family home which their parents left them after dying.
I am so gutted that they can treat me like this, but maybe it is my own fault for being so easy going & understanding & so unlike my DM & trying to to keep my ex-DH in my kids life under any circumstance, that I am a mug!!
Can I please ask for your honest opinions. PLEASE!
TIA(I am in tears writing this)

You need to ban your XH from the house. He is no longer your partner and no longer lives there. How much you drink is none of his business unless your drinking is clearly damaging your life and that of DC - which would be: you don't feed them, you drop them/frighten them, you are not keeping up with the laundry etc or are too hungover to take them to school.

Oh, and if anyone is going to come out with the fuckwitted smuggo line about 'Waa, waa, what if you had to drive your DC to hospital and couldn't because you had been DRINKING?' - well save your breath. By that line of reasoning anyone who doesn't own a car should have their DC taken away.

Don't think there is any need for the anger there sgb.

Agree with sgb you know you have a drink problem when it costs you more than money. I lived with an alcoholic for years.

Op stop giving your ex the opportunities to criticize you. It might be easy and convenient but it is not the way forward

FWIW my mother said exactly the same thing to me! DP and I split up, was around may 2011, we'd been on and off for a while and he got his own place, would pick DD up after work and take her for tea etc, but the first thing my DM said was 'are you pretending for the money' I was pretty that that was her first thought and not if her youngest daughter and granddaughter were ok!

We've since got back together and he's moved back in (for anyone who's interested)

Tbh it does seem a bit towards too much drink for me.

Not so much the present quantity, but that you only not drink 2 nights a week.
And that you may easily start increasing the quantities and frequency.
And that you seem to be drinking by yourself and seem so defensive about it.

It may ease up things for you, particularly with the split, but that's what makes it more dangerous.
I'd consider the reasons for the drinking, which is not that cheap, and consider how dependent you are. Can you easily go say a month without drinking?

But do ban ex from the house. What's the point?

Could I point out that if you are supposed to be separated and yet he is sleeping over during the week you may well find yourself having problems with the benefits office. You are laying yourself open to an investigation as to whether you have actually split up or it is just a fiddle. You really don't need that sort of hassle. Don't let him stop over. (And BTW he's got a fucking nerve to get free meals, free bed for the night, etc and then tell you he's reporting you!).

There are 3 units of alcohol in a can of Scrumpy Jack, so 5 cans is 15 units.

Medical advice is that women should drink no more than 14 units of alcohol per week, no more than three units in any one day, and have at least two alcohol-free days a week. Now I have a feeling that the guidance probably isn't terribly evidence based, but none the less your average is around about 30 units which can't be good for you.

As for whether that impacts your children it probably depends on how old they are and how much you are affected (I'd be under the table on two cans, lightweight that I am).

My understanding is that if you are separating for good it's probably not great to have your ex see your girls in the family home. Also why is he sleeping over? Can't he go home once your girls are in bed? It sounds as if you are drinking to cope with having him around, so the best way to cut down on the drinking is as others have said not to have him around anymore.

Thanks all for your honest replies.
I am going to quit, as of now. I cant live my life any longer under these sorts of threats<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Sad" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/sad-q5SIe0Cq.png"> even though I know its my own doing!
I think I need to toughen up with everyone & tell Ex-DH & the kids that hes not sleeping over any more If he wants a sleepover with his kids then he can take them to his house for one. He wont like it, I think Ill be in for a rough ride but I wont reach for the alcohol any more & hopefully my DM will give me a bit more support aswell in the process!

If you're claming any state benefits it may be an idea to read the small print as having him stay over may affect your entitlements and could land you in deep do-do

ok thanks will do!
I`m not going to let him sleep over any more any way!

Hi Nat, I am in exactly same situation except don't allow sleep overs..still give a meal (still being Mum to my 3rd child then) Know I am blurring the lines but its so hard with two ds alone i know!!! I agree that you do not need AA yet but perhaps its worth you seeing a local alcohol support service for a few sessions while trying to make sure you can be in control of your drinking at healthier levels. I work in this field but have also struggled with this, and comfort eating, for the same reasons. I would say you definately need some kind of counselling support while you strengthen yourself, especially if ex is playing jekyl and hyde and mum is not being very supportive. Feel free to PM x

Be wary of accessing alcohol support groups; not only are they not a magic miracle cure but sometimes even contacting them can lead to SS involvement (I remember this happening to another MNer a couple of years ago.)
Basically the only thing that can make you stop drinking is you. If you can manage by yourself, fine, do it. 12-Step programmes do help some people but they are based on superstition, nothing more, and can actually be quite harmful to some people, as well.

Accept what you say sgb but on those levels of drinking the op would not be referred to social services and it would be sad if she could not access support because of being scared of that..

Hmm, not sure. Some people who work with problem drinkers are seriously officious and judgemental and might see it as their 'duty' to do so on the grounds that someone might be lying about the amount they actually consume.
Anyway, the OP would be best served by stopping drinking alone or at least trying that first, before setting the machinery in motion to have herself labelled as a problem drinker when she may well not be, anyway.

Can't provide any advice but can re-tell a story of someone I worked with. She was drinking about the same out as you, OP, in the evenings afterwork - said she needed it as she was busy and stressed. She told me she thought she had a problem which I just thought could be resolved by not drinking on a school night. Turns out she is what is termed as a controlled alcholic. She went to AA and its been hard but she no longer drinks and is much happier. Her partner was going to leave her because of her problems and they seem much happier now. Might be worth a trip to the doctors.

Have had a good hard look at my life today. I have decided that I am going to go it alone at the moment, I think I can do it!!
Have not had anything today, so am quite pleased with myself!

When you say you've not had anything today that implies daytime drinking. Is that what you mean? You might want to check our the 'brave babes' alcohol use support thread. It could be useful to you. Good luck, Nat.

No I dont drink in the day! Ill have a drink with my tea-about 6pm & then finish what I have normally!

Morning, Nat. How dis you get on last night?

yes I did! It feels good now Ive made the decision not to drink except on special occasions & that I did my first night that I normally have a drink<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png"> Thank you all for your support so far & the honest advice. Im going to search for support threads to help make it easier for me hopefully

Good luck. Plenty of people do manage to stop drinking on their own. The only person who can make you stop is you, and for all their guff, these 12-step programmes only 'work' on someone who has already made the decision to stop.

Well done, Nat! I see you've boarded the bus too, you brave babe! Good luck tonight. One day, or even hour, at a time.

Yes I have boarded the bus!! At last I feel good that people are behind me all the way even if I slip up sometimes-not that I plan to
I feel really good about it all at the moment, no drinking for me at all-even though there is a bottle of wine & 3/4 bottle of real cider in the fridge, I have not touched either of them & not planning to either! Going out for tea tomorrow at my mum`s so going to take the wine as a thank-you!
And yes I have made the decision to stop at long last, going down the route of support on the bus & to offer my support on there aswell to others in the same position as me!