My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

Feeling a bit weird today. DD woke up at 630 and I had an awful headache again, so DH took kids downstairs for breakfast and I lay down for 40 mins or so. I fell asleep and had one of those weird stress dreams that aren't quite a nightmare but you feel all weird about. It was the classic, had forgotten to do something for my meeting on Friday and knew I'd be late, but couldn't get my mobile to work to ring in and explain, then realised the kids were going to miss school. Woke up feeling really weird. After the high of getting the keys I feel a bit overwhelmed again by how much we have to do and I'm dreading telling her next week that we're leaving but still having about 3 days in which we're still here, she knows we're going and we're packing up. Going to be such a horrible atmosphere and I'm worried she'll pull out the stops and "have a fall" or some such nonsense. I don't mean I'd back down if she did, I'll organise nursing care for her or whatever, I just mean I'm dreading the fall out. Also, it won't be over even once we move as I reckon she'll go super pathetic and try some hard-core guilt tripping. Will have to be strong....but I do sometimes get a bit tired of being strong, this anti-guilt tripping armour I have to wear all the time is heavy, you know?
Got inflamed gums, DH too. Think we're both a bit run down. Going up to the house now to start cleaning and sorting out bits like lightbulbs and see if we have time to go and order washing machine etc.
I swing from being excited about moving to being a bit sad about it all.....this house has been my home for 3 years and I feel a bit sad in a way about leaving, but I think that's partly just fear..fear of the unknown, and fear of her reaction.
I guess it's normal to feel this up and down? I have to keep reminding myself if I were her I'd feel awful and have begged for forgiveness (from both of us) long ago and she still hasn't said she's sorry...there was a half arsed sort of apology to me but nothing about how she's treated DH...and it's still all "poor me" and the victim thing and that I have ruined her life. She hasn't said that (for a while) but it's clear from the guilt tripping and the ignoring DH but looking weepily at me that that's how she feels...like the victim, the wronged one. (which of course feeds into the melodrama of it all).

Good morning,

You have so much to look forward to but I understand if it all seems a potential minefield, it's a big shift and you must be feeling very conflicted.

Just for a moment, imagine if you dropped your plans to move out, imagine apologising to your moher and making everything all right again. Aaah that's better. Weight off your shoulders? Really? Better for whom? Back to the old ways, back to DM treating DH like an interloper, back to you being piggy in the middle, having to referee? The Dcs are growing, they are going to be stuck in the middle too, the nicest families can have a tendency to use the next generation as pawns. Making things better doen't mean reverting to old patterns to keep the status quo and humour a parent.

As things were, you haven't been happy. What's round the corner, doesn't fill you with unalloyed joy either. So why not take a deep breath, give it a chance, don't knock it until you try it.

Also, it won't be over even once we move as I reckon she'll go super pathetic and try some hard-core guilt tripping. Will have to be strong....but I do sometimes get a bit tired of being strong, this anti-guilt tripping armour I have to wear all the time is heavy, you know?

Yes...most likely she will, and you WILL have to keep strong. I understand that your armour wears heavy too. It's all very daunting for you...but the alternative, while tempting, is unthinkable.

It is really exhausting. But hopefully once you have moved you will feel so much better.

If you don't have one, you should invest in an answering machine with caller ID. And check your messages once a day.

Anything task she wants you to do, will only be done at the same time once a week.

While that is in the future. I would have a clear idea of the boundaries now so you can start saying it. I would even say it when you tell her you have a date.

Therefore it can be no surprise, and of she tries to gas light you you can remind her. 'I told you when we were moving out that this was how it was going to be'

So, been out at the house all morning measuring up and doing a bit of cleaning etc. Didn't say anything on my way out to her as she seemed in a foul mood. Have just come back and she says she didn't know she was in the house by herself and that it's back to living with my father with people ignoring each other in the same house.
I'm sorry ladies but I got annoyed and said she wasn't exactly the sunniest and friendliest. Basically she said she doesn't have to be because she's done nothing wrong, "this whole situation is of your making". That it's all my fault because I shouldn't have told DH what she said, I should have worked out with her how to deal with "the situation" (i.e the DH problem) and I went and told him and blew it all up into something enormous. I said there was no situation for her to solve that she didn't seem to get that she shouldn't be meddling. She said I asked her to..WTAF???? I said I'm not listening to this and came upstairs.

It's like pushing water uphill, impossible - you can't reason with someone who is determined that they're in the right, you're in the wrong. She will adapt the truth to suit herself. Got any pillows to thump in frustration?

bad have been following your thread, wish you were my daughter, I would love to have two little grandchildren on my doorstep to share with you and your lovely husband, this woman dont know when she's well off.
I don't know how you keep your temper and not let yourself scream and shout in her face, but then you are a lovely young woman and although sometimes you must be sorely tempted, you wont do that. Best of luck with the move.

Slight problem with the electricity. It's currently in my name because it meant I could claim back the VAT on it when self employed. When I changed it 3 yrs ago to my name I did it over the phone. Tried that this morning but apparently it has to be done in person now due to data protection changes. I am allowed to put it back in her name if I take her details to the office along with my details cos I'm the current name on the bill, but I need a copy of her residence card and I think she keeps it in her purse, in her bag which she has with her at all times. I'm going to check whether it's in the study. I'm a bit worried if I ask her for it she'll refuse to agree to change the bills to her account and I'll be liable for the leccy on this house. I wouldn't put anything past her right now. If it's in the study I can make a copy first thing in the morning and go and do the change, if it's in her purse it'll be much harder. God, this is all so fucking ridiculous.

I remember you saying your DB has been a good egg, your mother isn't totally abandoned, you'll be in the same neighbourhood and your DB is 90 minutes' away?

Hope you work out what to do about the utilities and re-arranging billing.

Her purse was lying next to her bag and it's not in there, so will have a root around the study before she's up tomorrow. DH said while I was at work today she made ice cream again with DS and did the whole, leading him into her room and shutting the door behind them again. DH said he took DD up for her nap as usual when I went and DM and DS were in the kitchen with the door shut. When he came down they'd gone into her room and had the door shut, so he went to the kitchen and made a coffee and st in there and drank it. When he came out DM was standing outside the door, peering up the stairs. She saw him, looked startled and beetled back to her room without a word and shut the door behind her again. Obviously trying to work out what DH was up to and got rumbled!
I said hello when I came in and got a v curt "hello".
Do you know, at lunch (after the little set to about "it's all of your making, Bad") I was looking at her over lunch and thinking I could really resort to physical violence, give her a right good smack round the chops and I am not a violent person. I can't stand the way she eats, the way she sneezes for God's sake (never been able to stand that). Was telling DB about those feelings and he said they'd once had a 3 day row about him sneezing.
DB lives in another country so won't be ny practical help, but we'll be 5 mis away.

I think the best you can hope for is just to reiterate 'it's not worth going over old ground, we disagree on the interpretation of events'. Neither of you will ever convince the other of your point of view.

If you can't find the residence card I think you simply ask her as calmly as possible whether she wants to go with you to have the utilities switched over or whether she's happy for you to do it with her residence card. I think at this stage she still doesn't know you're going? But it feels a bit wrong to put her name on the bill without her knowledge. So if you have to leave it for a week or so (taking your name off) and you end up technically liable for both bills for a week, it's not the end of the world (although not ideal).

The situation is such a pressure cooker with you all living on top of each other. I think it's incredibly hard for adults to live with their parents under the best of circs, and this certainly isn't that!

If she refused to be put on the bill but you'd already taken yourself off it, wouldn't they just cut off the electricity? (not entirely sure how this works). Is there a way that you can make it clear to the company that you're no longer liable so if she chooses not to register herself, it would only affect her and not you?

If she won't give you her residency card then she can't make you pay for the electricity, you are responsible for having your name removed from the electricity bill, she is responsible for getting hers added. If she refuses to get hers added then bills will come "to the householder" surely ie her. If she doesn't get her name put on the electricity it will get cut off.
When I have moved house it has been my job in leaving the house to get the meter read and a final bill sent to me, and when I have entered a house it has been my job to get my name added. The bill wouldn't be sent to the previous owner if I didn't get my name added, I just wouldn't have any electricity.
I think you'll have to tell her you are going soon. Tell her no-one has been happy recently, she's always crying so obviously hasn't been happy and she has to start deciding what she wants to do with her life to start enjoying it again. If she had always seemed happy I could understand why you'd feel guilty about going, but she's always sounded as though she hated the situation as much as you.
You will have to give her back control of her decisions though and stop making all the decisions for her and feeling responsible when she doesn't bother to make a decision or makes a decision then moans about it eg her moaning about her choice to leave the UK and join you. It sounds as though she is determined to be miserable regardless so you and your husband and kids might as well be happy rather than be dragged down with her. Hopefully she'll return to the UK, and will then moan about life here.

If you can't get the card I agree with above.

Tell her you need it. If she refuses tell her you will be taking your name off the bill and it will be her responsibility to have her name on it.

Then she can bitch and complain all she wants. You gave her the opportunity to do it for her. SHe refused and just like all adults will have to deal with it.

Yes, take your name off. She probably won't refuse to put her name on, if she wants to have power in the house.

I would love to post about my mother but am afraid someone would read it and then know who I am irl. But I think my mother is worse.

You will see how your mom adjusts to living alone. Hopefully she will end up integrating with the community more and have a relationship with you all.

When the dust is settled, I suggest you write her a letter, not an e-mail, on paper. Tell her how you feel about her disrespecting your husband in his own home. It is his home as well, even if she owns it.
Tell her you love her, and wish this falling out did not happen, not because you are unhappy with moving, but because of the discord between you.
Let her know that you would love all of you to be a happy family, and for her to appreciate your husband for the good man he is. Nobody is perfect, and we do not all have to parent the same way.

He is not in any way a bad father, husband or son-in-law. She doesn't seem to realize the kind of daughter and son-in-law she could have. That you have been offended, and unless she can treat your husband and yourself with respect, that you will be a dutiful daughter but no more. If she wants to be part of a happy family unit, to be a welcome visitor, she has to change her attitude.

Or something like that.

You're all right about the electricity. I can't find her residence card anyway so I'll have to ask her. I found mine in with her papers while I was looking, which is good as I thought it was lost. When she threatened to go back at Christmas, she started packing up stuff and throwing out stuff and my residence card (actually an A4 sheet) disappeared. I was a bit worried she'd chucked it. Now, my slight worry is she's mistaken mine for hers and accidentally chucked her own out. Although if she has I expect the name on the bill could probably be changed with her old expired one and her passport. She doesn't even have to come with me actually, I can do it with her ID. DH pointed out too that the options are a) chnage the bill to her or b) cut off the electricity. I think at the end of this week I'll tell her we've found somewhere and that I need to change the electricity and ask her for her ID. It might sound weird waiting but I know she'll go fucking apeshit and pull goodness knows what stunts and I have a lot on my plate this week.
Shit, is that the time? Will write later.

Had another "talk" instigated by her and she now knows we're hoping to move next Thursday. DS back any minute and then I have to go to work so will try and post more later.

This must be one of those moments you could really do with a Tardis, zap yourself into next month and bypass all the sulks and negativity.

As it is, view it as a Churchillian construct: it is not the end, nor the beginning of the end, but is perhaps the end of the beginning. Look how far you have come since September! Actually I would say you have turned the corner and are on the last lap. You know you're not heartless, if you hadn't cared you'd have upped and gone months' ago.

The talk started off by her apologising for last night, said she hadn't meant it to go like that and it all got out of hand but she needs "to talk about things" rather than the way I detach myself. Said it wasn't unfair to say she was unfriendly, she was trying her best.. I said you look angry a lot of the time, not like you're trying your best and that it wasn't true that I ignore her and she does all the work at conversation and pleasantries, quite the opposite. She said she looks angry cos she's "on the edge of a nervous breakdown". I said it wasn't necessary to make everything into such a drama, I'd only be 5 mins away and I wasn't abandoning her, if she'd just stop making it all into the end of the world. She started the whole, I can't have a woman in because of xyz, I said it was her decision. I finished the conversation by saying that I couldn't be responsible for everything and everyone for the rest of my life, that the ball was in her court now. Told her she could live a nice life here and see her gc and me, that she has a lovely house and she can afford help with the things she can't do and now it was up to her to decide if she was going to choose to be happy here and choose to stay and be unhappy or choose to leave but that it was her life and I had mine to lead with my dc. She said that was rude and I said calmly that it wasn't and she said "your tone is rude", it wasn't, I was v calm and measured. So I left the room.
During the convo she asked if we'd found anything and I didn't want to lie so I said yes, moving next Thurs, we talked a bit about logisitics.
At lunch she seemed ok and asked about having the garden woman in.
Then, I'm parking outside work and DH rang to say he took DD up for her nap when I left and came down to find DS ensconsed in her room watching the fucking Octonauts. He's taken this as a 2 fingers to him and I've told him that it's his decision what he does about it. He said he thought he would go in and tell DS that they had things to do together once the episode is finished. So, no doubt there will be another row with DM, or her attempt at one when I get in. She still seems to think she can just make unilateral decisions about what goes on with DS. The tv thing is something v specific that we've stopped (he only watches at breakfast now). I don't know what she's playing at...well, I have an idea.....

Well done for saying what you did. She will dredge up goodness knows what, pull you up on perceived tone or look.

I suspect she will push and push at DH causing a row and she can tearfully call on you to stand up for her. She is just trying on the Victim hat for size.

Wow - nearly there. You're doing so well!

What your mum is playing at is this - creating a godawful major row to the absolute maximum destructive effect that she can, because this is the end game. That way she can:
a) hopefully get a weepy apology from you and everything goes back to normal.
b) demonstrate how terrible and unreasonable you and dh are, so if you do move out she can tell others that it's as a result of the row and your unreasonable behaviour (and not her own previous behaviour)
c) regain control over all 4 of you. She's losing her grip on you and she feels the need to reassert her own control e.g. by undermining your TV rules.

You and dh are doing so well. My advice would be to continue not to rise to her provocation as she will be really trying every trick in the book this week.

Rather than dh extricating ds from her room once she's got him with the door closed, perhaps you or dh could calmly state a bit later. 'You took ds to watch TV again today. Please don't do that as we've decided he wont watch TV in the afternoon.' She will do it again but you've pointed out that she's going against your request without creating a ds tug of war. He's only there for a week more so it wont harm him, your objection has been noted and she hasn't gained the fight she's angling for.

Have you told ds yet?

Whatever else you do or say Bad, make sure you stand firmly behind your H. If you and he have any disagreements, make sure its in private. You have to show a totally united front. It looks as if shes going to do all she can to irritate him, in the hope that hell lose his rag. Then she can run to you, complete with tears and hiccups, when you arrive home, telling you what a bad husband and father he is. She isnt going to let you go without a fight. She has more bloody tactics than the England football manager! Not long to go now sweetie. I`m thinking of you.

I wouldn't fight over the TV at the moment as you only have another 2 weeks living with her left. You obviously can't trust her to follow your wishes re childcare though so when you are living seperately will have to accept that if you take the kids round for her to babysit the TV schedule goes out of the window. Your husband could hav raised this issue with her at the time but chose not to, he's maybe just counting down the days.

DH went in and said (I wasn't there for any of this, I was at work) to DS in Spanish that when the episode finished he was to come and play with him. He said she smirked and said "OK" in a sing-song voice, so it's definitely an attempt to wind DH up. What I find bizarre is that she's all sad looking and a bit pathetic with me and then this totally "fuck you" attitude to DH. Well, that doesn't surprise me so much, but it does surprise me that she seems to think I won't hear about her behaviour with him and then draw the inevitable conclusion that her behaviour with me is an act. But then, it's like she said in the e mail to DB "dh sees us as his meal ticket, rich MIL and stupid wife" i.e she thinks I'm stupid. When I asked her today to stop all the melodrama she said that wasn't the right word and did I know the correct meaning of melodrama? She thinks I'm stupid.
I still think that behind all the front is this rage bubbling away, she's furious.