My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

signing tmrw. will try to write later. feeling conflicted.

OK, so you won't see this till later but... did giving in really help all those other times? Things may have quietened down for a few days but they always blew up again. Always. And in the meanwhile, the price of a few days' peace for you was her letting off steam by constantly sniping at your husband. You only recently became aware of the extent of this so you can't be blamed for the past, but the future is in your hands. Especially your DCs' future.

I like doors shut so wouldn't be upset at her shutting a door if playing with your son. If she moans she is doing childcare then you or your husband just say "if you get fed up with little x just send him out of your lounge to see his dad because his dad doesn't like to feel he's intruding on your space."
It sounds as though it's in her nature to moan whether or not she has reason to moan and you have to let the moaning wash over you, respond to her moans appropriately but not take it personally. it's her not you, you'll soon be out of there. Maybe your husband needs to be more pro-active with his son and do stuff with him so granny isn't always the more interesting option.

But you 2rebecca, that was the agreement when we had the same orw in September that she would only spend the time she wanted to DS and would tell DH when she wanted time to herself or DH to entertain him. What she does then is let DS spend most of DD's nap (1.5-2 hours) with her with no complaint and then say later that she's "doing all the childcare". Even if DH goes in every 20 mins and says, is everything OK, it's all smiles and "yes, we're having a lovely time playing snap" and then I come home as apparently DH just abandons her to "do all the childcare".
I don't mind closed doors either, but it's not about that..it was clearly a metaphorical 2 fingers to DH. The day before yesterday DS spent all of DD's nap playing in our room with DH, playing with the new etch-a-sketch. So then yesterday she gets DS to help her make marmalade and every time there's some waiting around, leads him into her room and shuts the door. Like, fuck you..he's mine today.
DS has been a right pain today, throwing his cutlery at lunch, whinging. He asked me for chocolate and I said no, so he tried to break the fridge magnets and then hit me really hard. I (calmly I might add) took him upstairs and he had a short time out. He screams like he's being murdered when you do this. I'm sure she's thinking...poor little misunderstood mite, they're such shit parents. But it's easy when you're not doing any of the discipline, isn't it?
I was feeling conflicted, feeling like I want away and yet I feel bad for her but she's wound me up again being Mrs Superior and I feel much more angry and more inclined to crack on with getting out of this God awful atmosphere.

Here's a secret I've never told, my mother slammed the phone down on me twice a few months before she died, I always felt I had to placate her and on neither occasion did I deserve this and I felt physically sick with misery. Guess who rang whom and apologised! It takes a long long time to even regognise when you're 'played' like this. Longer still to overcome it and ask for demand fair treatment.

Honestly it's not just you badtoworse, who finds herself in this scenario. It's not being a bad daughter to stick up for yourself, in her rational moments your mum knows this. It's not asking too much that she interact reasonably with your DH. It is beyond reasonable limits to try and co-parent your DCs when you have a perfectly able partner.

typo 'recognise', sorry.

Remember the MN maxim, "this too shall pass", you are nearly there, badtoworse, DM will still be within hailing distance but not in your hair as much.

Well, interestingly she's weepy with me but stone cold angry towards DH or just ignores him. Does the "super granny" act with DS.

shows each of those performances is an act then, if she can behave so differently with 3 different people in the same house.

get yourself moved asap

She may well be thinking that Bad, but think back to when she was disciplining you and your brother. I'll bet her tactics were a lot less thought-out and that she felt a lot less guilty about them than you do when disciplining your DS.

Your approach sounds perfectly reasonable to me btw. I'm not great at remaining properly calm if when DS clouts me!

You've been trained into feeling bad for her, it's second nature now. Maybe try thinking of it as a phantom limb, if that makes sense - it hurts but there's nothing there that should be hurting you.

She was doing the weepy thing this morning. Asked if I could get some flour while I was out as she wants to make biscuits with DS, but does that lip trembling-big eyed look and then her voice cracks when she's speaking. Then the whole "only if it's no trouble, I'm sorry, I'm annoying you, don't worry it's not important" bollocks. I hate that. Just fucking ask me.

Went to do paperwork for the rental and felt bad because I don't like feeling like I'm doing something that's upsetting someone but then at lunch DS was being a right bugger and I could just feel her disapproval and it got right on my nerves.

Then, after I've done time out with him for whacking me, she's all super granny reading him stories snuggled up on the sofa and then letting him help make ice cream with all the educational accompanying chat and I feel it's the poor little mite thing again and that it undermines me quite frankly. Sometimes he's naughty and he needs to be removed from the situation. he screams like you're trying to kill him, it doesn't mean it's cruel or scarring him for life.
so after all that I was right pissed off and felt much better about leaving

We'll have keys tomorrow but i don't think it's feasible to actually move til the 24th as I've got a really mad week at work next week and the house (new) will need cleaning and a washing machine, fridge etc. Plan to tell her not next Monday but the following and move Thurs 24th as I can have the day off work that thurs and then can reschedule a meeting I have on the 25th and I'm free that afternoon.
Have changed one of the bills here back to her name and have another one to do.

Checking in, am pleased you are deciding dates. Perversely DM is possibly tiring herself with acting up, I imagine it must be draining.

Considering your DD is nearly 2 you rarely mention DM playing with her, it's usually DS?

Hooray! Roll on 24th!

Does ds know you're moving? If not, don't tell him until you've told her, otherwise she'll be doing what MIL did when we were moving. Spent weeks telling dd (4yo) that the food would be horrid, the place would be horrid, that she'd never see her again etc etc etc. Luckily, MIL seemed to think that dd couldn't possibly tell me all this stuff so that I would never know. Funnily enough, dd did tell me so I reassured dd and dh dealt with mil.

DD is a week off 20 months. DM doesn't play with her. She seems very fond of her and did research her xmas present quite a lot, but when DS was that age it was all about talking to him and improving his English and books, bought him loads of books, went on and on about talking to him, reading to him. She has expressed no such interest in DD, never asked what books she's being read or anything. She just doesn't seem as interested in her as in DS. It's a bit odd and my friend has commented on it more than once.

I don't like feeling like I'm doing something that's upsetting someone

Honestly - this desire to please and placate, whilst it may seem superficially 'nice', is extremely damaging for you, badtoworse. It's hard to believe as an outsider that you would even be contemplating staying given the damage this is doing to your marriage, your family life and your sanity. But this goes to show how deeply this behaviour has affected you, and how well you have been trained to believe it is normal.

You are important. Your happiness matters. Your DH and your children as well, of course, but for this thread, you are the one we want to support.

The 'only if it's not too much trouble' thing is a classic passive-aggressive technique. Because the implication is, it's really not a big thing and you would be selfish and unreasonable to refuse to do it, whatever it may be. So now what really ought to be you doing a favour and having the high ground becomes you having to perform a task of obligation or be a Bad Daughter.

Life's too short - this is way too exhausting. Your mum desperately needs to get a more fulfilling life but there is simply no way you can help her whilst you're locked in together.

No, don't want to tell DS or DM until the Monday of the week we move, or next Sat at the earliest, depending on when I have the movers in to quote. I don't want DM to know til she has to as she'll weep and wail and I can't deal with that for 2 weeks solid.

That is an excellent post tribpot and I would do well to remember it. I read and re read all your posts, they give me such strength.

I think you should not forget that you moving out is in you DM best interests too. This way you at least have a chance at having some sort of relationship. Everything is so strained and stressfull with the present situation it is unhealthy for everyone
Once you have moved and the dust has settled, maybe, you can slowly build up some sort of relationship again. There are just too many complications at the moment obviously This must be an awful time for you but, hopefully, will be well worth it in the long term.

I mean all the posts from everyone give me such strength..you've all been such a support. xx

You have told her you plan to move out,if she was really interested she'd ask you when you were going. It does sound as though she really undermines your parenting with her always being tthe nice guy when you are the bad guys. That's fine if you are a granny the kids see once a month, awful if you play that role and live with the child. It doesn't help anyone.
I think the teariness for no reason would annoy rather than upset me, if she's always crying she obviously isn't happy with you all living together so when she cries when you leave you can reply that she cried alot when you lived together and may well be happier on her own as she certainly wasn't happy when you lived together. She may regret the amateur dramatics then and wish she'd been a bit jollier and looked like she enjoyed living with you.

oh cripes.i recognise this SO SO SO SO SO much. in my mother esp the bit about wanting to be the second parent/center of attention....

PLEASE focus on your little family - dh, ds and dd and GET OUT of there

big hugs xxx

It is ok to not be the 'dutiful' daughter to a mother who has not treated you the way a mother should.

When I was growing up and before I realised what was going on I could not for the life of me understand why people actually wanted to spend time with their mothers. To me mothers were mean, critical, made you feel awful and constantly put you down. I then started to realise that mothers were not that, and that mothers could listen to, support you and make you feel loved. Something I didn't know before.

I am quite open with the fact I barely see my mother and that I wish I could not invite her to my wedding. People just dont get it. And while originally I felt ashamed I now feel that you earn respect. It is not owed to you and after the hell she put me through she does not deserve it. And i tell people that. Why should I spend time with someone that doesnt respect me. I am polite to her, but refuse to be alone with her. That is how I protect myself( she is very polite around people, but she starts in when we are along) and now( after a long time) am ok with that.

I really understand the liking boys over girls. My grandfather ignored my mother because she was a girl and focused all his attention on his son. My mother doesn't rate girls and she values the boys. So me and my sisters in law are to be critised and put down and my brothers defended against them. Even my fiancé is treated better.

But my brothers haven't gotten away with it. They are still constantly critised. But they are critised for what they do. ( bad grades, poor choices) I am critised for who i am (my weight, clothes, skin hair etc) My mother even told my brother that he hasn't down anything worth while in his life. Ignore the 2beautiful children. Award winning career. Beautiful house and so on.

But things aren't going to always be good for your DS. It is quite common for narcs to turn on their children when they grow old enough to have an opinion of their own and voice it. It was about the age of 11 for me. I was no longer the sponge that believed everything she told me. That when it all started. You may even remember something similar in your own childhood.

Most people are lucky. We are not. And it is ok to chose to be one of the kind and respected mothers. Not the mother who allowed her children to have the same treatment you did growing up.

I know it is all new. And very stressful. But you are doing the right thing.

I think you're right not to tell her until closer to the move date, there's no point having a drama for longer than possible.

Remember, she has pushed you away, if she had acted nicely to you, your DH and both your DCs,you wouldn't be going. This is a concequense of her actions. She's an adult, it's not your job to protect her from the concequences of her own actions.

Got the keys!

Hurray!