My mother hates my husband (long)

[badtoworse]

I don't live in the UK. DH is from the country we live in. Mum came to live here (divorced and then later my father died) some years ago in a house a short drive away. Soon decided it was a big mistake and that she hated it, then to complicate matters then injured her back and became really unable to manage living alone. We sold my house and we moved in with her. All coinciding with me starting a new business venture and DH becoing unemployed. DH has bascially been unemployed (except for a couple of short contracts) since then. When we all moved in together DS was 20 months (now 4.5) and we've since had another child who's 1.5.

Before we all moved in together I was about to go back after mat leave and all set up (at her suggestion) for mum to have DS while I worked and DH at work. DH lost his job three days before I went back but mum said she still wanted to come up in the afternoons cos she wanted to see DS. She (much later) claimed DH had sat on the coputer and let her do it all. He said (we had a big row about it then) he only sat on the computer while DS napped.

My business has been slowly dying a death so I'm going to be WOH from Monday (previously ran busness from home). Yesterday I had meetings all day. DH supposed to be looking after DCs for the afternoon while I'm out.
I told him not to let my mum do too much, to imagine she was not there as it's too much for her. When I came home I asked mum (who I saw first on coming in) how things had been and she pulled a face and said tell you later.
Asked DH if he'd let DS just spend the whole afternoon with my mum and he said, only a bit while DD asleep..she slept for almost 2 hours. Then I ask mum and she says that he'd sat on the laptop and told DS he couldn't play as he'd wake the baby up and she'd felt bad so spent 2 hrs entertaining DS while DH sat on laptop.

I was really pissed off as I'd asked him specifically not to do this and we had a row.

He says she's exaggerating and that he can't believe I'm questioning his parenting abilities/calling him a neglectful parent and talking about him behind his back. He says DS wasn't with her the entire time, he was in and out and he didn't tell him he couldn't play, just that he had to be quiet as the baby was asleep.

She says he's a lazy git and it's the same old shit as all those years ago, she's had enough and would go back to the UK if she had the money. They've been avoiding each other all day and I feel totally caught in the middle.

I'm so angry that he did exactly what I asked him not to but I can't stand this atmosphere, it's like I'm being asked to choose, my husband or my mother.

I think the days of playing happy extended families are over. Even if she comes back in a few days which i suspect she will you need to think of you your husband and kids being financially independent from her and having your own home. Your current lifestyle doesn't sound sustainable. your mum can live in a small flat or sheltered accommodation independantly quite easily, if you didn't exist she would be managing, people in their 90s manage to live independantly, with social services help if need be. It sounds as though she needs to go back to the UK to develop a social network, you should have let her go years ago. Your husband probably does need to sort out a job.
Things do seem to be progressing though even though it is traumatic at the moment. Your mum is starting to see that you can't continue to live together and she needs to start taking responsibility for her own life and happiness and behave like your mum not your granny.

Move!
Leave her house and let her get on with it, your DH can manage child care

Delurking to say that you need to stay strong OP! So much of your last long post really resonated with me - I have a 'D'M who was a nightmare to live with and I was glad to escape her. The pathetic attempts we make to try and make mummy happy - staying polite, taking her a cup of tea, asking her how she is and receiving monosyllabic answers, grumpiness and eventually ridiculous trumped-up inaccurate outbursts in return - I've been there.

Have to say that your M sounds far worse than mine though - she is trying to destroy your marriage whether she consciously knows it or not. Stand firm, LET HER LEAVE and under no circumstances let yourself get back into the same situation (all living under the same roof). Move out of her house if you can because then she won't be able to claim you are taking advantage of her and you won't 'owe' her any gratitude at all.

I know the horrible feeling that you're being bad and that you should be making mummy happy and that you are a bad person. It is not factually correct - she is making you feel that way. And I am deliberately using the childish word mummy because she's using the control that was laid down when you were tiny. You do NOT have to try and improve her life for her. She is an adult and can do it herself. Would you treat your son this way? Of course not.

Stand firm - you can do this!

Finally went to bed at about 130 and slept, think I was just wiped out. DS normally sleeps til 7am but didn't wake til 745, quite unusual for him. He didn't ask after her though, so that's good.

Been at DD's nursery xmas pageant this morning and had a long long talk with my friend who knows us both. Said she thought my mum had gone a bit mad but that she's gone too far this time. I can't decide whether she's totally manipulative, childish and controlling or actually maybe going a bit mad. Depression, lashing out...I've wondered about the beginnings of dementia. friend says on balance she thinks she knows what's she doing/is in her right mind...just won't back down.

It's weird being in the house, every sound I'm jumping in case it's her returning, although I expect she'll stay away over xmas to punish me.

Do you know what saddens me, apart from all the other shit? She kept going on about how DS is her only pleasure in life and she loves him so much. She hasn't even asked after him. One of my worries is that she would turn on him later..as he becomes less of a darling little 4.5 yr old..I can just her it, "you're just like your father". She used to say that to my brother. Argh the more I think about it all, the worse it is.

There's a estate agents in the village, I'll try to get there tmrw to see what there is to rent.

I feel so awful for what I've made DH put up with over the last few years I really do. I have apologised to him. Been putting her first in everything for too long, and that's not right.

In answer to the back thing; she has had ankylsying spondulitis I think it's called for about 15 years, but managed OK. About 3 years ago she thought she'd pulled a muscle but it got worse and worse (while still living alone) and she ended up in a and E and it turned out to be a hernia of a disk in the lower back. She was bedridden at first, so came to my house on leaving A and E. She lived there for a while and I'm not sure how but it was decided we'd move in and look after her. I'm not sure why she didn't stay with me until she stabilised (which she did) and then move into her own house with help or go back to the UK. Spain moves very slow for backs and it took about 3 months to see a specialist who said surgery, but there was a waiting list. Eventually she was operated on about 18 mths later. By this stage she was not too bad and should probably not had the op, but it became a kind of obsession for her. She had some stenosis of the spine and it seemed they touched a nerve, so she's had pins and needles/numbness in one foot since. She had some physio after the op (but not til 2 months later). it helped. She seems to have forgotten that I looked after her, helped her wash and dress after the op and then took her to physio EVERY DAY FOR SIX WEEKS and I was at the time, pregnant with DD (and had hyperemesis).

I look back at myself and can't even understand how I got into this mess? Why did I do things the way I did, what was I thinking. I just walked my family, trance like into this and I don't really know why.

Hi just delurking to say you have been so brave and please stay strong. You have not walked trance like into this - remember you have been groomed and conditioned into your thinking for a long time. Its not your fault. At the moment it will be v hard because of this thinking but just remember you have done the right thing -for your own mental health and wellbeing and that of your family for the future. And the benefits will be felt sooner rather thanLlater

I feel so awful for what I've made DH put up with over the last few years I really do. I have apologised to him. Been putting her first in everything for too long, and that's not right.

THIS is all you need to keep saying to yourself, and together you will be able to deal with everything.

Take a look at the Arthritis Care Forum, when you have a minute. Read about Ankylosing Spondylitis, and the wonderful people on there who suffer from it - many much older than your mother - who have no one, and cope perfectly well on their own, despite being in constant pain. Then others, who often have several of the 200 forms of crippling arthritis, including children as young as two. Your mother has made a career out of this to suck you in to her life. Its not good for her, and, as you are realising, it certainly isnt good for you or your family. Stay strong, I`m still hanging onto you!

Thank you, I don't know what I'd have done without MN. Well, I do..I think I'd have doubted myself and caved in again. Not a peep from her today.

Have to go to work, will try to check in again later.

If she sold the house would it be enough to buy a one bed for her in the UK and a two bed flat for your family? It is possible for a family of 4 to live happily in a smaller flat. And invaluable to all your sanity.

Is your Dh family around to help?
For now they need to improve communication with each other, and not put you in the middle.

A simple 'right, i'll do this and this, do you mind doing this'd conversation will go a long way.

I had very similar when I lived abroad and my mum came over to 'help'.

I found my Dh became more and more useless and disempowered as the weeks went by.

He improved once she left.

I feel for you. Sounds exactly like it would be for me if my mum moved in.

Oops, I obviously missed 10 pages of posts! Ignore, and btw looks like a great outcome.

solittletime when I suggested that (and it's her money if she sold the house, not sure why she should use it to house me) she said I was abandoning her and that she would rather kill herself. Now that she has stormed of to my DB's flat an hour and a half away we're a bit beyond a quick, "you do this and I'll do that" conversation. And she doesn't stick to it anyway...gradually does more and more "oh, I don't mind, I like to help, I like to earn my keep" and then WHAM! "I do everything, you treat me like shit, why can't I interfere in every aspect of child rearing and insult my son in law". It's like a game that the rules keep changing for or I've never been told the rules. I can't keep playing it. Sorry I know you're trying to help. x
Will have to go as first class in a few minutes.

x posts!

It is a game you will never win OP - the only way out is to refuse to play. You're probably right in anticipating that one day she will turn on your DS; best not to give her the opportunity IMO.

You sound really sure that she should not be pushing you all around anymore, which is a mega-positive mental step.

Stay strong and don't give in!

OP, I want you to relax, and take an hour or 2 to concentrate on how it is without her in your business.

If she does stay away till Christmas, it'll give you a chance to see that the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) will lift.

The mind bending game? All of us have been there, we all know how it feels, you're so dizzy, you feel sick with all the twists and turns. That's part of the abuse. Right there.

Refuse to play, don't rise, stay calm and ride out whatever she tries to use to destroy you all; cos she will. Know this, know that she CAN'T defeat you, and know that you and your family WILL get through this, stronger and closer than you were before.

You're on the right path now, nothing will divert you. We won't let it. :)

Thank God she's gone, even if it is only temporary. Yy to her somehow being able to carry 2 Ikea bags of stuff and drive for 90 mins.

OP, you are amazing! Stick to your guns and go to that estate agent as soon as possible.

Sorry about answering before I read through! I hadn't realised there were 10 more pages.

I vaguely remembered you posting a few months ago as I had read it and it sounded so familiar!

Didn't realise it was the same thread!

Hate to say but she is sane. It is just her sense of entitlement out ways any love for you.

We to had the thought that mum was starting to lose her mind. But that was. Before we worked out the mind games and gas lighting. It is all about control. And yes. It is childish.

I notice that that she goes on about you DS but I don't recall her gushing about your DD. this may not apply but my mum thinks very little of girls. Said some horrible things about girls when my niece was born. And she would say some really awful things to me about my skin, hair, weight and clothes that my brothers never got. Something to think about for you. Although may not be the same

It is lovely to wake up in the morning and she's not here, that's true. The rest of the time I'm jumping at shadows as I have no idea when she'll be back, so every noise and I'm terrified it's her and it'll kick off or she'll beg for forgiveness and I don't know if I can give it.
Aussie I don't think it's a boy or girl thing, just that DS is 4.5 and DD only 18 mo so she can talk to DS and do stuff with him, so he's more of a little person to fuck up like she fucked me up I am concerned about her turning on DS in the future, especially if he's not a totally angelic teenager (and who is?) I'm worried he'll turn into a disappointment "just like his father" or she'll be guilt tripping him too.
She seems to see DH as competition. She's said before to DB or someone that we, meaning she and I are doing something to do with child rearing like "bad and I have been trying to ignore tantrums" (not a real example), as if she's the other parent. I remember one ages ago, it really stood out and I didn't know what to say and DH says she did it in Sept, when DB was visiting after the last big row.
What do I do about contact? There's been no contact since I texted the boiler istructions. I know you'll all say, keep it up...but it feels so weird. Although I do't know what I would say anyway..seeing as there isn't really anything left to say. I worry a bit about what she might od, but I suppose that's what she wants.
DB says he's going to try and get some counselling in Ireland in the new year as it's all stirring up a lot of emotions for him. He's my little brother, feel for him too.

Leave her be. Don't call her, or text. She knows where you are.

Abusers like to isolate their victims, she would definitely drive your H away, and anyone else who comes close. They are afraid that they'll be shown up.

Your H will help you, focus on the calmness you feel when you wake up in the morning. That's what normal life is like! Enjoy it, there's a lot more coming your way!

Thanks Hissy DH said the same.

I'm glad it's not a boy girl thing. But agree don t contact. This is a power battle that she is used to winning. So will get harder. I think you should pack up a box of stuff and send it to her. No note, no explanation. Keep some of that power.

Or you could start to plan with your DH, so when/if she turns up you tell her (tell her not ask her) that you are moving out.

Keep talking to your brother. Mine have been great as We lean on each other for support. We are all on different stages of dealing with mother and it takes a long time. One brother detached years ago, even before we realised what she was doing. I am in the anger stage and have very little to do with her. And my eldest sees what she is doing but is struggling to detach from her. So we talk and support and keep moving forward.

You have just started, the road is hard and long but SO worth it.

Oh and tell to your brother about using the money you have in the bank. So she can't use him against you. 'I have spoken to DB and he is fine with our plans'

Our mother has disinherited us in favour of the 6 grandchildren ( there are only three grandchildren but she has decided that is how many we are having) so she is also trying to control us beyond the grave. We have our own agreement.

Oh. And my mother hates my sisters in law. Will speak about them behind their backs. Spread lies about them and undermine them.

They are competition for her. Have taken her sons away from her. They arent available for when she wants them to do things for her.

Your thread has hit a nerve with me I think. Sorry.

But good luck xxx

MummyDearest drove herself, and her 2 Ikea bags an hour and a half. I think she can work a boiler, given the instructions.

Sheis only in her 50s, she's more than capable when it suits her.

Carry on sweety, keep on as you are.

She has stamina, that's for sure. She used to say to my father (he was a useless alcoholic) that if he kept lying to her, one day she would just stop speaking to him, because there was no point. That day came and sure enough she never uttered another word to him and he died without her ever speakig to him. When she stopped speaking to him they were living in the same house and she didn't manage to get him out of the house for months (years maybe, I can't remember). So, who knows how long she'll keep this up for?