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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband is a wanker???

30 replies

desperatehw · 15/09/2012 02:50

I have been with my husband nearly 8 years, married for 3!! At first it was great, i was madly in love!! I already had 2 children and husband and i went on to have 2. He has been only working for the last two years and has worked up the ladder quite rapidly, gaining a supervising post!!! Our youngest is only 5 months!! I never see my husband, he works all the time says its for the family!! He never does anything but talk about himself and his oh so wonderful job!! He never seems interested in any of us specially not me!! He uses me all the time!! He lies all the time, i even have to collect him from work at 11pm with two very small children!! He would never have put on me like that years ago!! He is selfish!!! I a bit lost? Stay? Ride it out?? Or leave? I only in my 30,s and wear my heart on my sleeve!! Well did, not Soooo much now

OP posts:
Tortington · 15/09/2012 03:22

get yourself a life and then you wont think about his so much

theredhen · 15/09/2012 03:37

Custard, easier said than done with 4 kids, one being a baby!

And anyway, she has a life - her kids and shouldn't he show some interest in it just as she does with him?

Op - have you told him how you feel? If so, what was his reaction ?

Tortington · 15/09/2012 04:37

kids should nt be your whole life. - join a group. college. class . something.

BebeBelge · 15/09/2012 04:49

Custardo - give the OP a break. I actually find myself pretty cross with your blasé tone. Just join a class?? I would kill to do something like that but I too have a 5 month old plus 2 others. Besides the baby I have no family or friends nearby who could babysit, DH doesn't get home from work in time and I can't afford to pay someone. Not that simple, eh?

OP - you need to talk to him. He's probably just very excited about his new job and wants to prove himself. He may not realise what he is doing. But taking wee ones out at 11pm to pick him up is just not on, and if he can't see that then next time he asks just say no.

Why was he not working before?

BebeBelge · 15/09/2012 04:52

What do you mean he 'lies all the time'? That sounds like a whole other issue and much much more serious.

Tortington · 15/09/2012 04:54

or a group or college or ..something unspecified. there was a range.

range aside, i stand by my comments. once you have your own interests (which shouldn't be about children) you will focus less on him and more on you

Homebird8 · 15/09/2012 05:28

Custardo, I agree with BebeBeige that it isn't always possible to do something just for yourself. I'm sure that the OP would benefit from it but it's not exactly going to detract from the situation where her DH is long hours at work, lies, and is thoughtless. It sounds like she actually has a relationship issue and a bit of craftwork or a new language class isn't going to fix that.

Had a similar problem with my DH a couple of years ago and felt very sidelined. It's a long story but something made it all come to a head and he resigned his job (not suggesting this for your DH by the way, it was just what happened with us) and we worked out our relationship again. In the end it was the communication issue that was biggest. I could deal with all sorts of inconveniences (late night trips to the rail station, the kids never seeing him, feeling like a lone parent) as long as he kept communicating about what to expect. The 'I don't know' in answer to questions from me made it very difficult and not letting me know when he would be particularly late or when he'd be out of the country. The first I knew about him coming home often was his key in the door.

Perhaps you could work out what would make the situation easier to deal with. (in my case a few texts would have made all the difference) then find a time to talk about it. He may be lying because he misguidedly thinks it's less likely to make you angry with him than the truth. Then again, the truth might be something you really won't like. You won't know unless you can get him to talk. If he won't talk then that puts a whole new complexion on things. Try it, it might make all the difference. Good luck!

LoopyLoopsOlympicHoops · 15/09/2012 05:50

Wow, you really like exclamation marks.

Have you had a really good chat with him about these things? The middle of the night lifts - can you just say no?

Longdistance · 15/09/2012 06:27

If he's earning more money now, can he not buy another car, or use a taxi? It's really not on to be dragging the babes out at 11pm.
Have you been on a date with your dh lately?
What sort of things does he lie about?

AgathaFusty · 15/09/2012 12:33

You have some thinking to do - only you know how you feel about him, how you see your life in 5, 10, 20 years and whether you want to see him in it if he continues to behave in the same way.

You say his behaviour has changed. Maybe it could change back? Personally, I would refuse to collect him at anything other than a reasonable time, and probably refuse the other stuff he asks you to do that you are not happy about. He has a job, but he has responsibilities as a parent and husband. Perhaps a good kick up the arse would make him see that?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2012 12:45

In your shoes OP I would simply start saying 'no' a bit more often - and mean it. No to the 11pm pick-ups with small children in tow. You can only be used if you allow yourself to be so from now on he makes other arrangements. Definitely no to lies. A big fat no to the talking about himself all the time... have you told him how boring it is? I agree with getting some outside interests - tell him (not ask him) that you'll be doing this and tell him (not ask him) that he'll be covering while you're out and about. No to working 24/7. May have started as wanting to provide for the family & advance his career but, if he has no time for you at all, it's more likely to mean he is avoiding going home where he might be asked to engage or do something.

Communicate, be assertive and you may get something of yourself back again.

imnotmymum · 15/09/2012 12:50

Sometimes this happens and at one point in our 16 years my DH started to become "all about me". You have to address this now as he probably is not thinking what he doing as you not saying anything. You will get resentful and it will out a strain on the relationship. Talk to him, have some nights out together and refind the love and mutual admiration.

janelikesjam · 15/09/2012 12:51

One thing you could try to do is start putting down limits like Agatha says, e.g. say you are not picking him up at 11 p.m. from work. Stay very quiet and focused whilst you listen closely to his reaction. If he responds in nasty or unreasonable ways, I think you need to carry seriously consider your future with this person and take some steps to re-establish your entitlement to respect. Good luck.

BonnyDay · 15/09/2012 12:51

I'd use less punctuation.

MadamTwoSwords · 15/09/2012 12:57

What the fuck has punctuation got to do with her husband. Some people really need to get their heads out of their arses.

OP I think you should start being a bit less available, when he starts going on about his job walk off and do something for yourself. Don't be available for the late pick ups.

BonnyDay · 15/09/2012 13:14

Lol!! It's so annoying!!

imnotmymum · 15/09/2012 15:47

I never really noticed the exclamation marks until pointed out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Houseofplain · 15/09/2012 15:52

Why don't the grammar police, jog on and find someone else to make them feel superior?

Op have you spoken to him?

Guiltypleasures001 · 15/09/2012 16:03

Hi Op

Yes looks like from here that your dh has become a wanker..As I have readon quite often on here NO is a complete sentence, closely followed up probably with you are a wanker.

You have not given any detail to how he might react if you started saying no more often?

AgathaFusty · 15/09/2012 17:19

desperatehw - how do you feel about the responses you have had? Do they resonate with you? Do they agree with your own thoughts? How do you intend playing this out?

Hope you're ok.

Houseofplain · 15/09/2012 17:21

Op, don't worry about the grammar police, or custardo, they'll be picking on someone else now.

Come back and talk about it.

Pinkforever · 15/09/2012 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thisisnotrhubarb · 16/09/2012 02:05

yea i agree totals like whopper though bruv !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TapirBackRider · 16/09/2012 02:17

Reported

thisisnotrhubarb · 16/09/2012 02:19

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