Please help, I'm miserable and my children are suffering (long)

[NotSoWittyUsername]

I have tried to NC so hopefully I've done it right (have been around for a while but never felt the need to NC)

I will try and provide as much info as possible so as not to drip feed.

I'm ruining my children, well, one in particular. I have two children, 7 years and 3 years and I'm a single parent to them and have been for the last two years. Their dad is immature and pretty useless so I cannot depend on him for support or help with the children.

I have always struggled with my eldest child and looking back do wonder whether I had PND, had a difficult labour, I was ill for the first month after he was born, failed to breastfeed and he was quite a difficult baby.

I managed to deal with all of his basic needs most of the time (although sometimes I'll admit I could be rather careless and neglectful) but I did struggle to engage with him, we attended baby/toddler groups and without those, I doubt either of us would have survived the first few years.

Following the birth of my second child I realised how wrong things had been with my eldest, I felt much more love for the youngest and things came much more naturally.

I was beginning to feel as though things were starting to even out a bit, we do lots of fun things together that involve going out of the house as I can't stand being stuck inside the house with them bickering.

To be honest they are probably both a little bit spoilt but this is something I am working on but finding it hard particularly with the eldest as I have huge feelings of guilt about the way I was with him when he was younger.

I am having real problems with my temper at the moment (and have been since I became a single parent), I struggle with the mundane day to day things such as mealtimes, bed times and seem to be losing it in increasingly scary ways.

I am so ashamed to admit this but this evening my eldest was messing around at dinner time (has always been a slow eater) and after ignoring me several times when I'd asked him to stop banging his fork on the table I got up and grabbed his arm to remove him from the table. I did this with force and he fell against the kitchen door and hit his head.

He was very upset of course and I have apologised profusely and told him it was an accident but he is (totally justified in being) very upset about it.

I do smack them sometimes and really want to stop, I have attended parenting classes but I have struggled to apply the techniques to real life.

I was smacked as a child and had a mother who bordered on being emotionally abusive, we get on now but the relationship is quite fragile and strained.

I can't believe what i am turning into. My own child must be scared of me and I don't know how to change my behaviour or thought patterns to make me more tolerant.

When things are good they are fine and we do lots of fun things, I'll help him with his homework, we sometimes cook together and we watch films together cuddled up in my bed. I'm just terrified of the person I'm turning into.

The last few days I have felt as though a black cloud has descended over me, I slept for 4 hours in the middle of the day yesterday and went back to bed for an hour this morning after the school run. I have been having bouts of feeling down for a long time (though I don't think anyone in RL knows this, I find it impossible to talk about how I feel) and I can't seem to move forward with my life after a very difficult (through my own doing) 10 years.

I have a history of self harm, have not done this for about 7 years but I'm beginning to feel tempted again and the feeling scares me.

I'm at a point where I am bitterly disappointed with the choices I have made in life and overwhelmed with the responsibility of looking after two children.

I realise I'm most likely going to be in for a flaming but I desperately want to sort this out, I don't want to be this person and I want to be able to have a strong, positive relationship with both of my children.

If you've managed to get this far then thank you for reading, it would be great to hear from others who have had similar difficulties and anyone who could offer any advice.

P.S I'm sorry it's so long and garbled!

Shit, I didn't mean for that to be quite so long and rambley... Was quite cathartic to get it all out though!

Would you be happy to try anti-depressents, they make take the edge off how you are feeling so you can cope a bit better.

Ask for some counselling/therapy via your GP to help you come to terms with everything.

See if you can get a homestate volunteer so you get some practical help.

I'm so sorry that I can't offer any particularly useful advice but perhaps you'll be reassured by some people on here - recognising that you want to sort things out, and that you haven't just moved back to the self harm are both positive things. I can't offer any coping techniques but I do know people who swear by CBT to get through stressful situations and it's simply learning ways to distract / calm without resorting to self harm / snapping out. I really hope that you can have a quiet and calm weekend with your DC and reassure them and yourself that it can be normal. Lots of luck

Do you anybody locally who you ask round for a coffee, sometimes just another adult around can help.

Where abouts are you?

No flaming from me, but you know you are going to have to ask for help don't you?

Look, what happened with your DS today with the fork banging, that would have fried my head and i could see me doing similar, it was just unfortunate that he hurt himself :( You said sorry, thats enough - he knows you love him.

I would go and chat to your GP and tell them that you are struggling, ask to be put on a waiting list for counselling and discuss trying ADs.

If you have a Homestart in your area, maybe give them a call - they will help as you have a child under 5. Even if it is for someone to come round and have a chat for an hour. It is so hard when you are the sole carer with no adult company - do you have friends and family nearby who you can share a coffee with? You sound like a sociable person and you might benefit from having someone to chat to.

Most of all, don't beat yourself up and know that its OK to ask for help.

Well done for recognising how are feeling. I would second going to your doctor to discuss your depression, sleeping so much in the daytime is a sure sign of that.

If you have time when both DC are at school and nursery try to do something for yourself, instead of going back to bed try to force yourself to do some exercise eg go for a swim, or a walk in your local park, this will give you some breathing space and help to naturally lift your mood.

Homestart may well be able to help, but they sometimes have long waiting lists. Your health visitor might know about some parenting classes that will help you to cope with each new phase your DC present.
Do you get any RL support from friends or family members at all?

Thanks for your replies, set me off blubbing again though

I know that I should talk to someone but I just can't everyone is always telling me what a good job I'm doing (I'm a young mum who was 18 when eldest was born) but mentally I just feel like I'm crumbling.

My eldest told me that he doesn't think I love him and that I love his little brother more (though at bedtime we had a little chat and a cuddle and giggle )

I have suffered with anxiety for a number of years and I guess part of the reason I'm scared to go to the doctor is because I did pluck up the courage to discuss the anxiety with my GP a few years ago, ended up sobbing uncontrollably and telling the doctor how I felt but ended up being sent away with a leaflet and told to return in 4 weeks if I wasn't feeling any better.

I just really feel that I've got no right to feel down in the dumps about things because this is the life I have made for myself, the choices I have made have led me to this point so I should just be getting on with it, not complaining.

I did try CBT for my anxiety last year but the woman I didn't develop a good relationship with the therapist and wasn't able to really open up, might be worth a try with someone else perhaps?

I am based in West Yorkshire btw.

Thanks again for your replies, it does mean a lot that you have taken the time to respond

Sorry, reading again, I can see that you have already done parenting classes. You are obviously trying really hard, and I bet most of the time you are doing just fine by your childrern. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I am not an expert in anything, and my DC are grown up now, but if you ever need to off load I will be very happy to pick up PMs from you to discuss coping mechanisms.

Hi Witty,

I can relate to some of the stuff you have written. When my eldest was born, my PILs were around and took her off me quite a lot. This was then followed by a very busy time and although I love her dearly, I also at times feel disconnected to her due to past events. But its work in progress.

I know you feel bad about what happened but the positive in this whole situation is that you are not ignorant of your actions and are aware of what is happening. I believe this is half the battle won. Because of your awareness, you are in a much better position to change whatever you are not happy with.

My suggestions to you:
Make a list with all the things you are not happy with and would like to change. Take the one that is most important to you and address it. Its a long process so I would only take small steps as otherwise you will feel overwhelmed and might be tempted to give up.

There are obviously two major things that will need to be addressed and these are you / how you are feeling and the relationship with your child/ren.
If you are not feeling good, you are not going to have the energy to be there for your kids and to have the patience when its needed.
So look at addressing things like diet / nutrition / excercise / time for yourself / getting help in whatever shape you need.

Then, re-connect to your child by practising attachment parenting. Have a little google around. I like the books by Dr Sears. He mentions that its not too late to re-connect to your child but obviously the older they are the more work it takes. I know its bloody hard when you are a single parent but try to have time set apart just for your eldest and spend this to get to know him better and really work on the foundations of that relationship. I myself have noticed that the more connected I am to my child, the better the discipline is. When I'm having off-days and dont put that much effort in, I noticed that discipline also tends to go down the drain.

Yes you shout, yes you were not that kind to him tonight but you sound like a loving Mum who is desperate to be a better person for their sake. You are on the right path, now you just need to keep working on it. There is always tomorrow with a new opportunity of doing things better.

I do have support from my parents and a couple of close friends, my mum has my children over night once a week which is lovely, I just can't bring myself to tell anyone how I feel.

I find it so difficult to talk about my feelings.

If you struggle to talk to the GP why don't you write it down so you don't have to "say" how you are feeling? I find it very very difficult to actually speak out loud how I am feeling which is probably one of the biggest causes of my depression!

You are not alone, one of my dcs banging their fork on the table would make me "flip" on a bad day.

Sweetheart, well done for seeking help, you will get support here. It might not always be the support you want, but it is here.

Firstly you know you can't go on like this, and you know your DS1 needs not to feel the brunt of this. I'm saying this as a single parent who got angry at her own DS :(

Getting seriously overwhelmed is normal in our shoes, as is the massive sense of misjustice and the feeling of resentment. There is something so utterly unfair (yet so fucking socially acceptable!!!) about the person who is supposed to help bear the brunt actually shitting on you from a height, trust me, I know this.

You know that using force is not ok when your DS is being annoying, and please know that this is a friendly talking to, I'm not trying to bollock you, you know all of this. There have been times when I have whacked the music up so loud that I couldn't hear the tapping etc, and do not ever underestimate the power of music to change things :)

If you speak to your DS' school you could possibly access a Parent Support Advisor, or if you speak to SS (they are not going to march in for you struggling, for a start they are too overwhelmed themselves!) you could ask for a Family Support Worker. Also deifintely try Homestart. And definitely see your GP, as it sounds as if some counselling and/or some meds might well be helpful.

You need to help yourself in order for you to be the best parent you can be.
Like I said, I speak from experience, bitter experience at times. It can be a lonely road being a single parent, especially when the support just isn't there, as it feels like you've been on that road forever, and that you will be on that same bloody road forever. You won't! My DS is now at an age that he can be left, at some point soon (if you play your cards right!!!) your DS1 can help you out with your DS2, it can never stay this way forever, I promise :)

Now, not because I am a horrible witch, but because I want to help, here is your homework:

1. Seek help: GP, school, Homestart, SS

2. Go and take a peek at your sleeping DS1, touch his cheek and steal a hug if you can without waking him.

3. Come back and tell us the 3 best things about your DS1. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves!!! He is your boy, he will have lovely qualities, so don't hold back.

4. Plan something indulgent just for you for tomorrow evening! Be it X Factor in peace and quiet, a mega bubbly bath, a film, an early night or painted toenails. And do something indulgent just for you every single day.

5. Get onto Youtube, search for your very favourite song, play it loud

X

There were 6 posts when I started typing

My head is feeling really fuzzy from crying so I will have a proper read through all of your responses tomorrow with a clear head and reply properly.

Thank you for not being harsh with me, I totally deserve it but I do want to make things right somehow so perhaps all isn't lost?!

Maristella you didn't come across as witchy at all! Music is a big help for me (I must admit I play music each morning while the kids eat breakfast as the sound of their loud chewing drives me round the bend!!)

Bproud I definitely need to work on ways to cope when I start to lose my temper, thanks for offering to listen to (read!) me if I need to talk!

I know I sound like a soppy git but thank you for your messages, they really mean a lot and I will definitely bookmark this page for when I'm feeling down in future.

I am going to try and get some sleep now as I've got to take my eldest to swimming tomorrow and have a few other bits to do but I will return tomorrow (or tonight if I can't sleep!) and reply properly to you all.

P.S Maristella - 3 best things about my eldest:

1. he is a very kind, good natured boy and loves to help others

1. he is pretty good at making me laugh with his silly jokes

1. he has real ambition and I know he will go far in life if he just stays focused haha that sounds really cheesy but tis true

we do lots of fun things, I'll help him with his homework, we sometimes cook together and we watch films together cuddled up in my bed.

You are not a crap mum. You are a mum who is doing her best and clearly loves both her children. My youngest DS occasionally says 'you love the others more than me'. He knows it's not true - he says it for attention, and actually because he's the baby he gets a lot more attention than the others mostly. Kids do this to you. Lots of advice from other posters that is good and sound and worth considering. It took courage to post on here believing that everyone else would write abuse about how rubbish you are, so take heart from what we are saying. We all have bad days; days when whatever we do we feel we are doing it wrong/can't cope/don't want to live this life anymore. No one said we had to be perfect. Keep your chin up and take some positive action. And BTW I've lost my rag in the past and smacked kids on the backside or dragged them out of shops by the arm. They are not permanently scarred by it. (Not suggesting that you do smack kids in temper if you can avoid it - just trying to say that I don't think the odd smack means you are abusing your children or that you are automatically a terrible mother). Lots of support here for you.

Blimey when I came on here and said my DH hit me in the face for smacking my dd once, I was flamed as a child abuser!

Glad to see you are getting more support than me op.

We all have our down days, I wonder almost daily if I'm doing enough for my children. Like you, I have a temper sometimes and feel as if I can't cope. My DH is a useless Tosser 90% of the time. I don't have a lot of other support. I try to focus on the good things we have done, like reading, crafting, cuddling and playing and remind myself that it's always their mummy the kids want when
Life's not going so well. Thinking of you x

Hi. Just wanted to say that what your going through sounds almost exactly like what I went through a couple of years ago, except my DH worked 16 hours a day. My doctor told me to try vitamin B12 befor she put me on antidepressants. Within a few days I noticed a huge difference. Now i can tell when i am starting feel as if the walls are closing in and start taking it.

Please go to your doctor for help.

Notsowitty I doubt there is a parent in the world who hasn't acted or overreacted in a way they regret or are totally ashamed of. Don't beat yourself up about it. You have a hell of a lot on your plate.

Go and speak to your GP, sometimes they can be surprisingly helpful. You sound as though you are struggling with untreated depression and it's a terrible way to live. In my experience, I was scraping along the bottom for way too long before I could start to come back up, and that's how your post reads to me. You can't do it without help though.

Blackberry that is so sad. Hope things get better for you.

I'm assuming your DS has just gone back to school after the long summer holiday - he's tired, you're tired, everyone's a little tetchy.

I was really struggling to cope by the end of the school holidays, and I didn't have to do it all on my own!

Are you at home with your DS2 during the week? It's natural for DS1 to feel jealous of the extra time you get with DS2 - if there's anyway of spending some one on one time with DS1, it can make the world of difference. I don't get much of a chance to do it, but when I do, DS1 just radiates happiness, and loves having my attention all to himself. He's then happier in my presence, and I'm calmer around him.

Kids are in bed now and we have all managed to survive the day! I woke up feeling a bit better, posting on here and actually venting some of my feelings has definitely helped.

feeling incredibly guilty about what happened with DS1 last night though, he has a bump on his head but woke up bright as a button as though nothing had happened. I didn't go on about it but I did make it clear that I am going to make a real effort not to be angry shouty mum any more and that we all have to work together to help things to run smoothly (hopefully that doesn't put pressure on him, was aiming to let him know that our family is like a team and we need to all chip in and help one another).

I am at home with DS2 when DS1 is at school and I know that my eldest is definitely jealous, even down to the fact that all of his school friends are always going on about how cute DS2 is! Of course I love them both but I have bonded more easily with DS2 although I try my best not to favour either of them.

Blackberry I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get much support when you posted on here, I was fully expecting to be told what a crap mum I am (feel like it most of the time) so thank you so much to everyone for your kind words.

DS1 wants to make an apple pie so we're going to do that tomorrow after we've been for a walk in the morning, I don't get much time with DS1 on his own but may start putting my youngest to bed a bit earlier so that we can, I really want to strengthen our relationship, it feels so fragile compared to what I have with my youngest son.

So much great advice on here so thank you all again (I will stop gushing now!!), doesn't help that I'm pre-menstrual so my emotions are magnified x100000.

I am going to read through the replies again and put the words into positive action thank you for making me feel (sort of!) normal.

Your DS sounds terrific! Hang onto those qualities, I know it can be really flipping hard when your buttons are being pushed. Every night I would go into see DS when he had gone to sleep, I found it so grounding. In fact I only stopped last year when he was 13

PMT never helps, sometimes when I'm due on I look back at the way i'm speaking to people (DS!) and feel ashamed. Could it be mother natures way of ensuring that only the bravest of cavemen could get near us?

What has been your treat to yourself today? And what is your treat tomorrow? Maybe you could identify a treat for yourself every night for the next day, as well as a treat for you and DS1?

My treat is a fat glass of wine It's strictly medicinal as I'm about to walk through the woods to collect DS from work as he would like to know if it's too scary to do on his own or not and I'm bloody bricking it!!!
Wish me luck, and say a prayer for me and for my torch because I will be relying on it!!

Bloody hell, good luck maristella and let us know when you're back safe!

My treat this eve has been a long soak in the bath... Not very exciting but I normally just have a quick shower before bed so that was luxurious

Umm... haven't thought about tomorrow, will probably involve a box/bar of chocolate though!!

DS1 is great, he really is, I just lose sight of it sometimes but I think having this thread to refer to will definitely help!

Arrgghhh I survived, just!! I've walked 8 miles today and feel broken!

Do you read? I have found that when I'm close to breaking point, reading a book is like magic, as it seems to transport my emotional state. There is always something worth reading in any charity shop :)

Reading is great! My stress buster is to re-read my old Enid Blyton books - or pony books, lol. Was desperate for a pony at primary school. I can quite happily curl up with The Famous Five or First Term at Malory Towers and a quarter of sweeties and retreat to being 9 again. Forget the mortgage, the bills, the stress, the kids, etc. I'm 9 and I'm going to be posh and go to boarding school and play lacrosse and be Head Girl of the Form

hi, just wanted you to know many of us have also been thru times of losing it with our kids,please be kind to yourself, you obviously love them dearly and it's so great u are seeking help to change

Its a dark time, please know that there are others who have been to that dark place and it does get better I take megadose magnesium and this really eases tension, anxiety (and muscular cramps) for me -its works a treat to take the edge off, studies have found some suicidal people extremely low in nutrients like magnesium, some people like vit B 6, B12, macca,increasing iodine with iodised salt etc

Reconnecting with yr son is a great idea &important, I have a book by Miriam Chachamu How to Calm A Challenging Child that helped me- She says:
Wise parents stay out of arguments at all costs
Give lots ++++praise for kind/helpful behaviour, but EXPECT spirited children to test the limits way more than other kids
-she suggests aim to eliminate all yelling/smacking as will reinforce that they are bad kids,lower self esteem,

• child planning their own consequences for misbehaviour when calm lots of and one-one reconnecting time (take turns with bikkie&cuddle on couch?)

when a child says: I hate you - s/he means Im so furious that I dont know what to do or say or I feel humiliated I don't love u anymore- s/he means I'm so frustrated, confused, unhappy I dont know what to do or say anymore and I need you to love me no matter what I do Hope u feel sunshine thru the clouds today Lovely threads here, raises my faith in humanity:) x