Please help, I'm miserable and my children are suffering (long)

[NotSoWittyUsername]

I have tried to NC so hopefully I've done it right (have been around for a while but never felt the need to NC)

I will try and provide as much info as possible so as not to drip feed.

I'm ruining my children, well, one in particular. I have two children, 7 years and 3 years and I'm a single parent to them and have been for the last two years. Their dad is immature and pretty useless so I cannot depend on him for support or help with the children.

I have always struggled with my eldest child and looking back do wonder whether I had PND, had a difficult labour, I was ill for the first month after he was born, failed to breastfeed and he was quite a difficult baby.

I managed to deal with all of his basic needs most of the time (although sometimes I'll admit I could be rather careless and neglectful) but I did struggle to engage with him, we attended baby/toddler groups and without those, I doubt either of us would have survived the first few years.

Following the birth of my second child I realised how wrong things had been with my eldest, I felt much more love for the youngest and things came much more naturally.

I was beginning to feel as though things were starting to even out a bit, we do lots of fun things together that involve going out of the house as I can't stand being stuck inside the house with them bickering.

To be honest they are probably both a little bit spoilt but this is something I am working on but finding it hard particularly with the eldest as I have huge feelings of guilt about the way I was with him when he was younger.

I am having real problems with my temper at the moment (and have been since I became a single parent), I struggle with the mundane day to day things such as mealtimes, bed times and seem to be losing it in increasingly scary ways.

I am so ashamed to admit this but this evening my eldest was messing around at dinner time (has always been a slow eater) and after ignoring me several times when I'd asked him to stop banging his fork on the table I got up and grabbed his arm to remove him from the table. I did this with force and he fell against the kitchen door and hit his head.

He was very upset of course and I have apologised profusely and told him it was an accident but he is (totally justified in being) very upset about it.

I do smack them sometimes and really want to stop, I have attended parenting classes but I have struggled to apply the techniques to real life.

I was smacked as a child and had a mother who bordered on being emotionally abusive, we get on now but the relationship is quite fragile and strained.

I can't believe what i am turning into. My own child must be scared of me and I don't know how to change my behaviour or thought patterns to make me more tolerant.

When things are good they are fine and we do lots of fun things, I'll help him with his homework, we sometimes cook together and we watch films together cuddled up in my bed. I'm just terrified of the person I'm turning into.

The last few days I have felt as though a black cloud has descended over me, I slept for 4 hours in the middle of the day yesterday and went back to bed for an hour this morning after the school run. I have been having bouts of feeling down for a long time (though I don't think anyone in RL knows this, I find it impossible to talk about how I feel) and I can't seem to move forward with my life after a very difficult (through my own doing) 10 years.

I have a history of self harm, have not done this for about 7 years but I'm beginning to feel tempted again and the feeling scares me.

I'm at a point where I am bitterly disappointed with the choices I have made in life and overwhelmed with the responsibility of looking after two children.

I realise I'm most likely going to be in for a flaming but I desperately want to sort this out, I don't want to be this person and I want to be able to have a strong, positive relationship with both of my children.

If you've managed to get this far then thank you for reading, it would be great to hear from others who have had similar difficulties and anyone who could offer any advice.

P.S I'm sorry it's so long and garbled!

Glad you made it back in one piece maristella did your DS decide it was okay to walk through the woods then or too scary?

I meant to come back last night but ended up sitting with my cat most of the night, he had been hit by a car and managed to crawl back to our front garden

It has been quite a stressful day, DS1 has gone on his first residential trip with school so had to wave him off before rushing up to the vet with DS2 and the poor cat, xrays tomorrow should show exactly what the damage is so fingers crossed it's nothing too serious.

DS2 is asleep now and I am going to do a bit of reading, I do love to read but have got a bit out of the habit recently... Going to start making time for it now though, a bit of escapism is probably what I need!

I am also going to look into vitamin supplements too, when I was suffering from panic attacks frequently I remember reading that vitamin/mineral deficiencies can often exacerbate anxiety/feelings of depression... I did make an effort to eat healthily but have slipped back into bad habits again

Will check on the cat and start reading (at times like this I wish I wasn't teetotal, a glass of wine would be great right now!), hope everyone else is having a relaxing evening

He hated every minute! And I've pulled loads of muscles, mostly from all the walking, but also between my shoulder and neck from clutching my phone to my ear as I spoke on the phone all the way there out of fear!

Escapism is definitely the way forward :) What kind of stuff do you like to read?

For me, feeling better came from all the tiny steps I made every day. I take a good vitamin daily, as stress depletes your resources, esp the B vits. I also use Bach flower remedies, I swear by Rock Rose and Cherry Plum for when I'm feeling close to the edge. I also drink the Dr Stuart Tranquility tea; I happened to have a cup when I was at a really low ebb, and slept soundly for the first time in a long time, and I swear by it now.

I realise I'm coming out of the wooo closet!

I need music every day, I read when I'm down and sometimes when I'm not, I make sure I don't do thirsty or hungry as they affect me.

I've been blown away by how good all that walking made me feel (emotionally, not physically!) and can't wait to walk some more :)

All the little things add up :) and they require you to be kind to yourself, which is a good thing.

Hope your cat is ok tomorrow, let us know x