What would you think about these incidents in a relationship?

[waterlego6064]

I realise it's very difficult to form an opinion of other people's relationships based on individual pieces of information but I would appreciate any thoughts on these incidents in a relationship between a 17 year-old woman and 20 year-old man:

The man sometimes gets upset by things his girlfriend says. On one occasion, he 'taps' her with his foot under the table when they are in company and she says something he doesn't like.

The couple are invited to the house of a friend of the man. 3 of his (male) friends are in the house. Hardcore porn is put on the TV and the men sit around watching it and discussing it. The young woman is unhappy about it and indicates her feelings to her boyfriend who does nothing about it.

The man has unusual sexual tastes and puts some pressure on the woman to try new things e.g. watersports.

The man expresses an interest in accompanying his girlfriend to the toilet and wants to change her tampon for her.

The man is unhappy that his girlfriend smokes. He sometimes hides her cigarettes or throws them away.

The couple argue at a friend's house while drunk. The woman stands up and her boyfriend pushes her back down into her chair.

While separated, the couple meet up and are in his car talking. He offers the woman money to give him oral sex.

Will stop there, otherwise this will become a much longer thread.

Any initial opinions or thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry if this is weird or TMI.

The man is an abusive douchebag.

First impression she is 17, she is nott a woman as yet in my eyes.

I wont comment on his sexual practices because he is a grown up, but..

She isnt he is coercing her in to some really dodgey stuff at a really young age, and the porn with his mates there, well is he going to pimp her out as well?

She will end up in some eyes as corrupted and not knowing what is normal, or unsafe. The fact she is being silenced and not listened too is an alarm bell in itself. This needs looking in to by grownups preferably parents or police if it escalates.

Time for her to leave - super quick in my opinion

She is being groomed .

She needs to get the hell away from him.

Now.

Blimey. THank you for your initial responses based on that information.

Are there ever any circumstances in which your views might be altered?

What if...

The man had been badly bullied as a child?
The woman is a bit argumentative?
The couple both drink too much?

Time for the woman to run far far away

Starting 5 minutes ago

x post.

None of those reasons given would make that relationship a healthy one. They need to split up and deal with any issues they may have seperately, with professional help if needed

He's being controlling. There may be reasons, but never excuses. No one deserves to be treated that way, especially not a young girl.

My thoughts again..

i couldnt give a flying stuff what he's been through as a child, what he is doing isnt bullying or play ground stuff, he is a grown up playing out hardcore porn fantasys with a CHILD.

She isnt a woman, and ide kick off if some fecker was trying to bully me in to this sort of crap.

She is too young to drink, but he seems to be sober enough to know what he is doing, and whos buying the drink for her? can she afford it them by herself.

She's being abused.

Just because he was bullied doesn't give him an excuse to treat her so badly. Drinking too much isn't an excuse/reason/get-out clause, either.

She's seventeen years old, and being abused by her older boyfriend. She needs to get out as fast and as far away from him as she can.

None of those what ifs make it any more OK.
It's a bit perverse and controlling for (in my
opinion) someone so young. It's only going to get worse. Is she happy?!

What if...

The man had been badly bullied as a child? still not on to treat the woman in that way - he needs to sort out his own issues
The woman is a bit argumentative? then he can argue back, being argumentative does not warrant wanting to totally control the other party
The couple both drink too much? still no excuse. They need to stop drinking so much as it is obviously not doing anyone any favours

That is not a relationship that sounds healthy, loving or balanced.

She needs to end it. It will only end badly anyway.

There are no excuses to put u[p with this behaviour, even if he was bullied and they both drink a lot!

The mans past does not excuse his controlling ways. He's disrespecting her and it's the initial stages of an abusive relationship...she should run for the hills and never look back. He should crawl back under the rock from which he came, or seek help

Thank you very much indeed.

Sorry for misleading you but these were incidents that occurred in my first proper relationship; the first man I had sex with.

The relationship continued for nearly 3 years and certainly didn't get any better. It's 16 years since it ended but I still think about it more than is probably healthy. I have often tried to work out whether or not he was abusive...it probably doesn't really matter. I think the experience damaged me in some fairly profound ways; does that sound possible? That I could still experience emotional/psychological fall-out after all these years? (Certain things stick in my head- I can still remember how he sneered when he once said 'you're off your rocker')

I'm having some counselling soon and wondered whether to try and talk about this relationship. Although I've occasionally spoken to friends (and my OH) about it, I have never really explored the issue properly.

Waterlego

At 17, you are still a girl. Not a woman. It doesn't matter if she drinks, or becomes a bit argumentative. It was not her fault.

He was a controlling, abusive man. What he went through as a child is no excuse.

OP please don't blame yourself.
I think if you feel the need to talk to someone about it professionally then do it, it's the only way you can properly get it all out, deal with it and hopefully close that nasty chapter of your life.
It wasn't your fault NOONE deserves that kind of treatment.

Hi Water

That experience will probably be an under lieing factor in everything that makes you anxious or worry in the present day. Your counsellor will let you go at your own pace and you divilge as much or little as you like, its a safe place to be vulberable if you want or need to.

I would strongly advise using this time with the counsellor to excorcise this demon youve been carrying around with you for so long, and put a name to it, which was abuse lovey and not your fault, you were a child and he took advantage of you.. repeat after me it was not my fault..

massive un mn hugs x

He was a complete bastard and I'm not surprised you're still living with the after-shock. I'm sorry you've had to go through this - glad there's some counselling ahead.

At 17 I was still very much a child; naive and believing that everyone around me looked out for me. I wanted to fit in, so would go along with what was suggested because nobody was going to suggest anything bad to me, were they? I trusted them. Now, I was lucky - I fell in with a nice crowd. You were unlucky - he was a perverted controlling bastard. This was NOT YOUR FAULT. You were a normal 17 year old who was unlucky.

And as for
"What if...

The man had been badly bullied as a child?
The woman is a bit argumentative?
The couple both drink too much?"

• His childhood is irrelevant. If anything, it should have stopped him visiting misery on someone else since he knew what it would do to them.
• I'd imagine saying 'no' was considered argumentative by him. If you were arguing, it was most probably because you needed to, against what he wanted you to do and you knew you really didn't want to.
• No excuse. And drink can often be used to numb you to the things you'd rather not deal with. I'd have taken to drink big time under the conditions you've described.

It does sound to me as if you should mention this at counselling.

Look at how strong you are... You got away, you left. You didn't stay and you are not still with him and didn't had children with him, that is a massively positive thing! Definitely explore what happened in counselling but look at the positives too - you got away from him. Although I pity any woman who went with him or is still with him...

I would say my first impression is being groomed. I too was groomed from 12 to 17. He was my first proper relationship (didn't do the deed till I was 16) but he certainly did a number on me.

I think counselling would be good. Explore it further in the safe environment and see how it goes from there for you. Good luck

I have been in a similar position OP.

When I was 15 I was in a relationship with a man who was 25.It lasted 2 years and a few of the things that happened with you also happened to me.

For a long long time I left it. I moved on and pushed it behind me but as time went on I thought more and more about why I had allowed these things to happen to me. At 15 I was young and naive and can now see that I was groomed by him.

It was hrd to come to this realisation as at the time I felt in control and old enough to decide for myself. He rarely 'forced' me to do things in the traditional sense and because of that, I felt I had made the choices myself.

Anyway, sorry for the hijack but I wanted to explain that I understood your feelings. Sometimes I think about it far too much. Especially when I am feeling particularly down on myself. But I know I have come to terms with the fact I can't change what has happened. I can however, not allow myself to be in that type of relationship again.

I need to work on my self worth. I felt lucky he had picked me and nothing about our relationship was equal. That's all you can do as far as I can see.

Hi op - those were brave admissions. I'm 33 and in the aftermath of a different but as abusive relationship. Exp did well convincing me most of the time that his behaviour was my fault and I'm v conscious of how this will affect my future relationships. You're not wrong in wanting to analyse this experience quite a bit.