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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you get them to think of you as special, respected and gorgeous again and not just a commodity?

48 replies

freshstart · 18/03/2006 10:59

arrrrrghhhh I seemed to have become her indoors and my hubby (married only 6 months FFS!!!) has started taking me for granted.

This coupled with him becoming more and more dependant on cannabis is really pissing me off.

We had a row last night which turned out to be because he was annoyed tea wasnt on table for him

What the F**CK? Im only 25, have 2 kids and also a childminder. I consider it good going I get through the week without the stepford wife pressure on top.

I dont get how he expects this when Im not that kind of person and neither was he or so I thjought? Or does it come to them all?

I really think that since we got married a switch has flicked and he now just sees me as some sort of houseworking, child looking after, meal making, skid mark scrubbing machine whilst he goes out and gets smashed.

OP posts:
fairyfly · 18/03/2006 11:04

I'd say if he wants to take on the traditional roles that is perfectly fine. Then get him to unblock sinks, empty the bins, put up shelves, redecorate, retile the roof, lay new carpet,give you some housekeeping, etc etc etc..... make sure he doesn't sit down for a month, he wont have time to smoke.

Original poster
freshstart · 18/03/2006 11:08

He does a certain amount of stuff but generally he gets up in the morning anad all he has to worry about is himself.

I do all paperwork, finances, bills, housework, childcare, shopping and cooking

how the hell did that happen? i didnt volunteer for any of it

OP posts:
Original poster
freshstart · 18/03/2006 11:08

i was tempted to check into the travel inn up the road last night but felt crap on DD who would have wondered where I was this morning

I am giving him silent treatment now, but dont think he even realises lol

OP posts:
anorak · 18/03/2006 11:10

Why don't you don hair rollers and and headscarf with house coat a la Hilda Ogden and tell him you thought that was what he wanted?

fairyfly · 18/03/2006 11:13

I'd get him to sort out the finances then, it's all very well for a man to be sexist but the have to take it all on board, go and hit him with your mop.

As to feel like a goddess again, arrange to go out, look stunning, walk down the stairs, kiss him on the cheeks, say, don't know when i'll be back and walk out of the house.

Original poster
freshstart · 18/03/2006 11:19

thats the thing tho, i do look after myself. consider myself as stunning as i ever have been. havent let myself go.

i do go out regularly and stay out most of the night so its not like im just mundane and boring.

dickhead has gone somehwere, just looked and his car has gone without a word! would love to be able to do that!

OP posts:
Original poster
freshstart · 18/03/2006 11:19

thats the thing though. i do go out, quite regularly and he knows better than to wait up for me, normally gone most of t

OP posts:
helsy · 18/03/2006 11:25

I'd be sending him to the bleedin' travellodge!

I think you should talk to him, otherwise this will bottle up, become a pattern and you will wake up one day wondering where you went. Sorry if that sounds a bit extreme, but maybe you could both do with reminding each other why you married and what you expected from it? His answer might surprise you, but if you don't know you don't have anything to work from.

I got married expecting to be in a partnership only to find I'd had a third child who thought the sock fairy made sure he didn't go out in bare feet in the mornings and would happily go without food in the evenings if there was nothing cooked for him (and they're the superficial, funny ones I can tell you about). As we both work, that didn't feel right. I hated that I became a "parent" in the relationship and felt responsible for making sure everything ran properly. After three years and a number of major bust-ups he has JUST started asking me if I want a drink before he makes himself one and will pick piles of dirty clothes up off the floor without being asked. If I had got this straight at the beginning we would have saved ourselves an awful lot of heartache. Good luck.

Boopert · 18/03/2006 11:29

I must say, my dh is the same. We have been married for 6mths with one child, one on way.

But in his defence he does the manly chores, cooks MY dinner most nights and although i moan at him for being lazy (and yes, he ahs admitted to it) i wouldn't change him.

You need to get him to give up the cannabis thou. That makes them lazy and clouded.

Original poster
freshstart · 18/03/2006 11:33

the cannabis is at the root of it

OP posts:
Boopert · 18/03/2006 11:35

Tell him to get help. I have sooo many friends that are still smoking it in their thirties and to be honest they are lifes wasters. Nice people but can't do a thing cos they are sooo off the planet most of the time.

verysadthistime · 18/03/2006 23:50

He has to re appreciate what he has, a loving beautiful wife and family.

If he could even feel 10% of the pain I feel in losing that, he would focus more.

How to get him to see what is important is the thing, to many threats and they won't work in time.

Maybe get him to sit down, and really talk, us guys a really dumb sometimes, we miss what is important until it's gone.

That doesn't mean he can't give you what you need, he just needs to realise that is what he should be doing, somehow he needs to see that it is benefit to all of you.

Please try and fix this before it gets to late, the pain of losing it all is so intense it can't be described.

kick him up the bum-lol

vstt

Twinkie1 · 18/03/2006 23:55

This is completely normal - I am resigned to it now - DP has to go and earn the crust, fill the car with petrol and empty the bins (all of them!!) - that and giving me a seeing to every so often is all I ask - and he is so lovely he is getting me a magimix for mothers day - I ask you I want jewels and manicures not a f'ing magimix - but it could be worse I could still be married to X!!

The trick is to stop doing anything for him - and when he asks why tell him!!

He probably doesn;t even realise!!

Stop him smoking though!!

expatinscotland · 18/03/2006 23:57

by believing 100% that i am special and worthy of respect and acting accordingly, and dumping people who don't treat me and others the way they'd want to be treated.

soapbox · 19/03/2006 00:06

Same as Expat - I do believe that dps/dhs treat you the way you allow them too!

He needs to get off the weed - but you know that:)

soapbox · 19/03/2006 00:06

Durr brain! to not too!

Tortington · 19/03/2006 00:09

this happened to me wheni got married. so i fucked him off for a bit. i wasn't born with the knowledge of how to cook, clean, sew, or even look after children - i was learning as he was. so i refused to be assigned these roles by virtue of me being a woman - he thought he could walk past a washer or a cooker and not think of it - he thought again after i kicked his hairy arse out for 3 months.

17 years later he does more than his equal share, he cooks,cleans, irons, the only things he cant do is drive - he's tried and is trying and sew a button on - i can sew badly but i can do a button. and thats my major sacrifice!

so there was no helpful advice ther was there ! lol. sorry. kick his arse. hes gone into caveman mode.

Tortington · 19/03/2006 00:12

also dont mope or sulk - and never think " they should know" that... its your anniversary, birthday, kids birthday, said something hurtful, mothersday etc etc. just say it ITS MOTHERS DAY NEXT WEEK GET ME A PRESSIE OR DIE.

moping and sulking does nothing but turn you into a bitter and resentful martyre to yourself - best get it out there wth a firm " oi f*cker. who made you kind of the god damned world today? get of your high horse tonto before i shoot it"

MeerkatsUnite · 19/03/2006 09:14

freshstart,

You have two children, you do not need a manchild as well.

Does he think he has a problem with cannabis?.

Was he just as dependent on cannabis prior to marriage?.

If you ever were to issue him with an ultimatum (i.e you choose between us and the cannabis) you're going to have to stick to it to the letter.

moondog · 19/03/2006 09:20

Custardo is right about not moaning or sulking,say it straight.

Yes,the cannabis (while ok in moderation) sounds at the root of it. Christ,aren't spliff smokers dull?????

notasheep · 19/03/2006 10:29

Freshstart- thinking of you,you are not alone.

You said:the cannabis is at the root of it.

I have dp with same problem.It seems fine before children arrive.But when i get back from work,ds is in his cot and cant find dp.I then discover him
in the shed with a joint.Well thanks dp for looking after ds

You need to be really,really honest with him.I use to bite my lip and now i say EXACTLY what i want to and it helps me get through it

MeerkatsUnite · 19/03/2006 10:46

"But when i get back from work,ds is in his cot and cant find dp. I then discover him in the shed with a joint."

Notasheep,

That's absolutely appalling. What if anything untoward happened to your DS whilst your partner was in the shed?. If he started to cry for whatever reason your partner would not hear his distress. Has he thought about that?. He's probably been in that shed on and off all day smoking - and every day as well.

I ask you the same question of your partner - does he think he has a problem with cannabis?.

Would have to disagree with you on one point you made - no it was not seemingly fine either before the children came into being.

MeerkatsUnite · 19/03/2006 10:47

Notasheep,

What do you say to him and more importantly does he listen to your words?.

Bugsy2 · 19/03/2006 10:56

Some really good advice here. I definitely agree with actions speaking louder than words. I did the burning martyr bit, I thought that if I complied with everything ex-H wanted and bust my ar$e being little Miss Perfect that he would be shamed into behaving well. Not a bit of it, he still went off & had an affair & then left me.
So, now I would go with the "kick butt" suggestions. Tell him that you are not a domestic slave & that you expect some help. To be honest, I would tell him that you want him to quit the dope or get the hell out. I think it is really worrying that he would be high when he is supposed to be looking after your children, it is as bad as being pissed.
You are doing an amazing job, organising everything, being a mum & being a childminder. This guy is leaching even more out of you - don't put up with it. You deserve better!

fuzzywuzzy · 19/03/2006 11:19

This drives me mad.
Start expecting him to do stuff around the house, and if he does it's not because he's helping you out, it's because he also lives there and needs food and clothing and a relatively clean house to live in.

Whenever my Dp is sitting around on his arse playing on the computer, and if I happen to be doing household chores, I'll ask him to do stuff, specific stuff (I never say give my a hand please, because that's too vague for him and he'll still be sitting on his arse twenty minutes after saying yes).
For example, if I'm washing up after supper, I'll ask him to clear the table, if he objects (I'm too tired, I've been at work blah blah) I offer to swap, scrubbing pots is not as attractive as clearing the dining table. I also tell nephew to vacuum.

I refuse to be the household drudge, I never think of dp as doing me a big huge favour by helping around the house, it's his house and children too.

I also tend to leave him to entertain the girls and put them to bed while I do my own thing for an hour most evenings..... he gets quality time with his children, I get to read a book, take a bath whatever.....

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