How do you get them to think of you as special, respected and gorgeous again and not just a commodity?

[freshstart]

arrrrrghhhh I seemed to have become her indoors and my hubby (married only 6 months FFS!!!) has started taking me for granted.

This coupled with him becoming more and more dependant on cannabis is really pissing me off.

We had a row last night which turned out to be because he was annoyed tea wasnt on table for him

What the F**CK? Im only 25, have 2 kids and also a childminder. I consider it good going I get through the week without the stepford wife pressure on top.

I dont get how he expects this when Im not that kind of person and neither was he or so I thjought? Or does it come to them all?

I really think that since we got married a switch has flicked and he now just sees me as some sort of houseworking, child looking after, meal making, skid mark scrubbing machine whilst he goes out and gets smashed.

Thanks everyone. I havent spoken to him since Friday night. This has been quite easy though as he was on nightshift last night and is goign again tonight so I have just made sure I have been out of the house while he was leaving for work etc

He rang me 3 times yesterday which I ignored then sent me a "Love you babe, lets get on well like we do best. I was an arse" text that I also ignored.

What steps do I need to take from here so that we are communicating again but he doesnt think he is quickly off the hook like all of the other times.

He has always smoked cannabis but it has only become a problem since his stag do in amsterdam in June. It really changed then - it went from buying a tenner deal once a month or so and when its gone its gone to having an almost constant supply and becoming moody, uptight and arsey if he cant get hold of any.

He makes random promises to stop which usually last about 5 days.

He isnt actually that bad around the house. He will have a tidy round if I havent managed to do something. He puts bins out. Does odd jobs. Puts the kids to bed sometimes if his shift allows. But he is doing me a favour usually when doing this.

Its this "expectation" on me to do the jobs and when I question it he says "Well, thats what you do. You do the tea!"

I dont think he has grasped I am no longer a SAHM as Im working damn hard as a childminder now 4 days a week and to be honest really not finding it easy either.

I also think we have stopped being nice to each other and are both in very defensive modes.

He doesnt smoke dope around the kids or when they are up and definitely not when in sole charge of them - I couldnt really fault his role of a father too much its more his role as a husband and his attitude to me.

~Im making him sound dreadful, its just a small aspect of things that is getting big enough for me to want to sort it out. I think because we do have a good relationship the rest of the time im more eager to get this sorted as I dont want it to eat away at the relationship and certainly dont want to become some boring, dull housewife that solely exists to provide for her husband and kids.

i reckon when thekids have gone to bed sit down and do a list. sounds ever so Dr. Phil and pukey but it might help with the communication.

a contact of sorts. get it written down. an explaination that you WORK from home. therefore chores divided equally. - do a rota accodring to his shift patterns.

if it makes things run more easily instead of plitting things in half - say "those chores ar yours" like the ironing or thewashing up.

in our house the person who cooks doesnt wash up. - seems fair to both of us.

first one home cooks the tea - we agreed on this.

he does the ironing and hanging up clothes as i detest hanging clothes with a passion i cannot convey.

we each pitch in with the washing.

the car is mine to either pay the kids to do or tidy myself - as he doesn't drive.

i mow the lawn - he detests that with a passion.

that kind of thing.

with regards to the evil weed. i think people who smoke it on their own are addicts. smoke it with a friend have a giggle and eat 3 chocolate cakes - i understand - but rolling yourself a joint before bedtime just confounds me.

that needs discussion with how it makes you feel, why you are worried and possible solutions.

when you sit down you have to promise each other not to shout or walk away.

he might have a few things to add himself.

pmsl @ Dr Phil custy you mad loon!

Agree with custy. (as ever)

Also make sure thatyou value yourself. Make sure everyone knows that you feel you are an amazing person of great worth and damn well expect to be treated that way! He is damn lucky to have you....make sure he realises that

Custy, do you mean half and half, even if he works full time? Reason I ask is because dh works 2days, 2 nights with 6 days off, but would invariably like to watch tele all day and if I ask him to do something it takes hours because of tele. We do have a couple fo routines though,

We both get up with kids, i dress them, feed them etc whilst he mooches upstairs and he takes them and collects them.

Whoever cooks, does empty dishwasher etc (though I do it anyway more than not)

Last one to bed changes dd2's nappy

But I do feel that he could do more, things are ALOT better as we nearly split up a while ago (didn't post about it on here as I was too upset) but I still feel that he could do more, whereas he doesn't, the day and night before is first shift and day after his last he does bugger all and he NEVER asks me if I want a drink when he is getting one.

well, i had all these hopes of sorting it out

came home, been back in 5 minutes and he is pissing me off already

think im still too cross to be fair

Freshstart, I agree with those on here who say 'don't be a martyr'!

Men ARE simple creatures and they need things spelled out for them. I think you need to tell him what you will not tolerate, and be clear about it. If you don't tell him, he won't know! eg, tell him that just because you are now married you will not tolerate being expected to do all the domestic stuff. You will not tolerate being treated like a domestic servant.

My DH once or twice called me a bitch during a couple of arguments and I just leapt upon it, I said to him that I would not tolerate being called names, I would NOT HAVE IT. I never did it to him and I did not expect it done to me. He's never even thought about it since!

Simply tell him what you won't allow him to do!

"He has always smoked cannabis but it has only become a problem since his stag do in amsterdam in June. It really changed then - it went from buying a tenner deal once a month or so and when its gone its gone to having an almost constant supply and becoming moody, uptight and arsey if he cant get hold of any.

He makes random promises to stop which usually last about 5 days".

Freshstart,

And by that time he needs this again. Sounds like he's become physically and emotionally dependent i.e addicted on it hence his reaction when he canot get hold of any.

He does not sound like he wants to give up his cannabis dependence currently. His random promises are of no use or ornament; if he really wants to stop then it needs to come from within him and he needs to show real determination to do so. He needs outside help from a drug support agency (GP would be a good starting point).

Does he himself think his cannabis use is out of control?.

I really hope he is not driving with this in his system either. He would get in serious trouble in the event he were to have an accident whilst driving.

Relate is another option you may want to consider.
Go on your own there if needbe to talk it through.

If he does go to the GP ensure you go along there with him. You both need support to deal with his addiction. Infact I would educate yourself further re cannabis. It is not at all harmless to his mental and physical health.

No, he doesnt see it as a problem at all!

Well if he does not see his cannabis dependence as a problem then this is not good for either you or the children to witness.

The cannabis is only part of a wider problem; his taking you for granted is also a huge problem as well.

I would suggest you talk to Relate and your GP yourself in the first instance. You need real life support too.

P.S I would not be a passenger in any car that he drives.

Meerkasunite-i tell my dp is an areshole,and surprise,surprise i am going to Relate on my own.

My dp will NEVER give up Cannabis so it looks like i will be leaving quite soon.
Dp has always said Cannabis will finish our relationship but has never done anything about it.

Notasheep,

Good on you for deciding to go to Relate on your own. You are right her to act in your own best interests even if there is doubt.

You may want to get an appointment in the longer term with the CAB to find out your entitlements re benefits etc in the event of separation.

Your partner is right - cannabis will indeed finish off your relationship especially if he cannot or will not do anything to address the problem.

Freshstart-still thinking of you.

Meerkasunite-I wont tell you anymore Cannabis horror stories,but you can imagine...
Thankyou for your support,i am very lucky to be in a position where I can look after my family(dd and ds)
and dont need dp financially

Meercats...your remark about not being a passenger in any car he drives is so apt. You could use it as a metaphor for the direction in life he is leading his family on.

Some progress to report.

I saw him briefly last night (had to give in and go home to get the kids sorted!)

We talked/argued and he apologised, accepted he was wrong and didnt deny it when I put it to him that the cannabis use was effecting his mood and causing him to be irrational (tea on the able I ask you!!!!!!) Think he was embarassed when I kept bringing that up.

Anyway when he went to work he sent me a message saying he was sorry and loved me and that he had been an idiot and had to sort out this tendancy to being nasty every now and then.

We have made a pact to be lovely to each other, to be thoughtful and try to make each others life happier and easier without resentment and anger - basically what we promised to do in church in front of our friends and family 6 months ago!!!

We'll see!

He is at hospital tomorrow having a colonoscopy so it could be that the worry of that has added to his moodiness also.

Anymore progress?

just wanted to update

im without a pc at the mo so not on the net much but things are much the same if not worse.

we keep on arguing, then making up, then arguing etc etc

we have drifted apart :(

freshstart = on a completely diff direction are you sure since amsterdam it is just cannabis - not something little stronger. i have seen so many people take a backward change and ruin their lives due to amphetamines & methamphetamines. "rock" is smoked - just the next step up from mull... sorry to bring this up but it can sometimes explain the change

keep stong baby, thinking of you

I dont think its anything stronger as I think he would be upfront about it. He doesnt hide his cannabis habit and doesnt hide the fact in the past he used to take E for example. He also will partake in coke very rarely on a big night out - again, he doesnt hide this.

Just to make the above paragraph clear - the only thing that he takes regularly is cannabis - the E is in the past and the coke is once maybe twice a year thing.

We had a big chat last night and he has finally acknowledged how uptight he has been and is starting to realise that cannabis is causing it.

He remembers being very happy, relaxed and carefree this time last year for example so think it really must be that causing it.

IS he happy? I ask cos sometimes people uses soft drugs in the same way as antidepressants -self-medicating. Is it possible that he is finding it hard to adjust to married life with two kids etc.. You know how difficult Men find it to talk. Not excusing his behaviour just suggesting there may be something behind it.

go on strike
deaf and dumb dinners
make him handwash his skiddies
better still dont speak or acknowledge him until he treats you like a goddess
good luck
xxx

Sad to say my dh had an affair with a woman that was less than half the woman I am. He just lost himself and forgot what we had and had better at home.Anyway we are back together now and he knows we have something that he will never take for granted again.I have changed and i love him so so much but I guess i am not a puppy dog anymore and he respects me more than before. Wouldn't recomend this way though.
Sorry to hear you are feeling low Freshstart.