to feel ashamed and disgusted? Should I be showing compassion?(Long - sorry)

[BabylonPI]

OK,

my DSis and I haven't seen eye to eye for quite some time - the last time I visited her house was in September 2009 when dd2 was a month old. Since then, I've given birth to DS1 - she didn't know I was pregnant with him as I asked people not to tell her. I didn't want her to know. The last time I had any contact with her was in August 2011 when she ruined my DD2s birthday party by starting a massive row with my inlaws

DSis has 4 DCs, and I love them dearly. I have maintained contact with them even though I haven't had any contact with her.

At the beginning of the summer hols, DSis was admitted to hospital with some unknown illness. My parents begged me to make contact with her, and I did - for them, not for me or for her, but for my parents.

She was discharged from hospital (without a diagnosis) and we met for the first time in 12 months at my parents house. She met my DS for the first time and it was fine.

On Monday this week I took a trip up to her house as it was her DC3s birthday on Tuesday and I wanted to make sure the card and gift was on time. DSis was not expecting me and immediately upon entering her home I felt very uncomfortable - nothing I could put my finger on but very uncomfy.

Her DCs 3&4 told me upon my arrival that I shouldn't use the downstairs loo as mummy has been sick in there and it smells. DC4 also said that Daddy was still at work and he wasn't coming back.

Alarm bells started to ring, and I just felt that she wasn't herself. I thought she had been drinking, but talked myself out of that as I know how ill she has been. DCs asked if me and my DCs could stay for tea - DSis said we must and she would go and fetch takeaway. At this, I said we simply couldn't and had to get home.

I left after approx 45 mins.

On the way home, I called my parents and started off a whole chain of events which I'm devastated by.

I told parents that if I didn't know better I would say she was drunk - parents didn't believe me, so took a trip up to her house unannounced. The shit really hit the fan.
DSis denied drinking, but her whole attitude and demeanour gave her away. She attacked her DH, our parents and all in front of her 4 DCS who were screaming at their GPs to leave as they were making everything worse

It gets worse.

On wednesday, I got a call from DM to say I needed to pick her up ASAP and get to DSis' house.

On arriving there, we find, DSis sat in a heap on the floor covered in her own vomit. The living room floor covered in vomit with the youngest DCs playing in it and the family dog eating it

She was so out of it - sat there in just a bra, completely oblivious to her surroundings. This was at 5pm.
She had collected her children from school in the car in this state (but dressed) just over an hour before. Eldest DC had called her Dad to say they desperately so needed help as mummy was so ill. Daddy called GP and so on and so forth....

Dsis is fighting drunk. DCs are witnessing everything (and it was obvious by their reactions that they've witnessed it before).

Because of her recent stay in hospital, her DH and my DM thought it best to take her back to hospital - she is denying all the time that she has had a drink.

At 10pm last night, she was still twice over the legal drink drive limit - she wasn't fit to be seen by the MH crisis scene until after 2am.

She was vile to the hospital staff, DH, DM - everyone really.

It then all came out. She has been drinking in secret for YEARS. She has conditioned her DCs to say NOTHING by thereatening them with Social Services and telling them they would be taken away.
She has had numerous bumps in her car, and has been breathalysed on one occassion that we are aware of (obviously clear on this occasion). Her DCs finally admitted that mummy often mounts the kerb when driving and they have been covering up for her.

She also has major issues with dependency on painkillers. Again, she has denied this vehemently.

She was sent home from hospital soon after 5am today. She has a crisis team in place who will visit her daily at home. She is on a detox as she is severely alcohol dependent.

She missed her DC4s first day at school and her DC1s first day at Secondary school due to her drinking.

When she arrived home, her first concern was that she didn't want to see her MIL, and after that I received a call to ask if I had seen her iPad as she couldn't remember what she had done with it.

I dropped EVRYTHING last night to go to her and her DCs, and her major concern is updating her facebook status :(

I am disgusted, angry and ashamed of her. Right now I don't want to know her. I am livid that she has risked her children's lives and the lives of others by driving drunk on a daily basis for god knows how long.

I will do anything to make sure the DCs are safe, but I'm not sure I can see her without without giving her a good hard slap

Is this wrong? Should I be supporting her unconditionally?
AIBU for being this disgusted with her?
Where do I go from here?

She has some deep rooted issues which she had told everyone she was addressing and was getting counselling for - this was also a lie.

I'm gutted

Sorry, I did say it was long.

I'm still awake.

Crisis team felt it would do more harm than good to hold the meeting on Thursday Friday or Saturday. It is being held tomorrow whilst I am out with DCs. I have made my feelings clear and laid down what I am able to do wrt the DCs.

I don't want the DCs to be in the house while the meeting happens, and more than anything I'd like them to have the opportunity to just be children.

Hi Babylon, I can't sleep either.

I wonder if your BIL played a part in trying to cover up/minimise her problem over the 9 years or do you think he was in denial about it all too?

My mums great aunt was an alcoholic all her life but her DH 'managed/controlled' it, ie kept it under wraps but enabled her drinking at the same time until he died. then everyone found out about it because it spiralled. the more she drank the more altered her personality became, she rarely appeared drunk. it was very difficult seeing her towards the end because she was so bitter/ nasty/ paranoid etc. thing was it was the drink making her like this. there were no children so my mum had to sort things out at her house when she went into hospital. she found bills from the local off licence, they delivered weekly crates of whiskey and we estimated that she was on a bottle a day, she was in her 70's. Very sad.

I really hope your sis can turn it around but as others have said, it's gotta be her steam that gets her there. she has to hit the bottom and it sounds like she's not there yet.

What you are doing for your DN's is great though. Lovely auntie Xxxxxxx

You are so right to not have the DCs there during the meeting. Hope you have been able to convey your thoughts, and hopefully your role in taking care of the children right now and during the meeting will encourage the team to understand that you are a solid and capable individual.

Alcoholics devote their entire lives and all their energy to their addiction. Feeding it, hiding it -- that is what their lives revolve around. It does not surprise me at all that she hid it for 9 years. Women who are alcoholics are especially good at it.

This is funny and very sad.

If you were to search the house and the car thoroughly (cisterns, containers in the pantry, way in behind pipes, in the mattresses, etc.) I bet you would find a lot of evidence of her addictions.

Babylon, I had an alcoholic brother. He was also addicted to dope, and finally prescription meds. I grew up in a family that excused him all my life, until finally, as an adult, I said no more.

I dearly loved my brother. I probably had more understanding of him than the rest of the family - they were all too keen to hide it all under the carpet, to deny he had a problem. Until the day his problem harmed the kids.

I was there for that. He did something, not maliciously, but in his drunken state that could have killed his youngest. I went LOON. Sorted it as much as I could, but told his partner that she HAD to throw him out. She HAD to act. If she didn't, I would. I told her I'd support her totally, whatever she needed.

She threw him out. She protected her kids and she threw him out. She was lambasted by my family but I stuck by her through it all. Her own family were great and supported her all the way.

It wasn't a wake up call. He died. It took 2 years for my family to stop blaming my SIL, and me. It took years for me to stop blaming myself. It was my mum that came around first, and slowly the others followed. But the pain is still there and I do not trust them any more (and they don't trust each other).

Her eldest was already damaged. She was 14 and hadn't spent a day of her life without seeing her father drunk. She walked a hard road for a couple of years but managed to turn herself around. She had a child, on her own, too young. But that child is now a teen herself and is wonderful. My neice is still 'damaged', she has no confidence, hardly any schooling, cannot get a job and has no idea how she will survive when her child is grown. She has an odd relationship with booze herself, from complete abstinence to binge drinking, but never when her child is around. She copes and is a wonderful friend, mum, daughter. I love her to bits but she has no future until she can work on the confidence. And that's easier said than done.

My nephew was only 2 back then but has grown into a bloody fantastic young man. He didn't grow up with a drunken parent and is a confident, intelligent loving adult who has a great relationship with his mum and his sister. He asks about his dad but isnt defined by him. He has the best chance of being successful the rest of his life.

I miss my brother. I loved him so much. He would have adored my DD. He never got to meet his grandchild. I still cry over him. But I lost my compassion for him the day he nearly killed my nephew. I was angry and disgusted. I actually punched him - and I'm not a violent person. I broke the law and nearly got myself into trouble. I spent months thinking I would be found out and that would be the end of me, of my career.

Your feelings for your sister are valid. Your first concern is for her children. Don't let them grow up with a drunk, give them a chance to live happy, like my nephew. Support your BIL, but give him a kick up the arse - he HAS to step up here.

Hard, isn't it?.

God, LtEve - that must have been so hard for you all. :(

It was Thumb, but what can you do? 16 years on and the effects are still clear. My family was never the same again.

No, and you still did absolutely the right thing, as you know and I'm sure they all realise it now too. The problem was your brother's alcoholism, tragically for you all.

Babylon, you are right to put the kids first, just be there for them and then for your sister. If she can get through this you can rebuild your relationship.

Alcoholism is a disease and addiction. All you can do is offer support, the rest has to come from your sister.

Babylon I hope today is a joy for you with the children, allowing them much needed downtime & fun with their beloved Aunty.

I also hope the family crisis meeting is productive & positive.

We've had a lovely day today.

I am completely wrung out though

Knackered doesn't even come close.

Your dns will remember this day for ever. They are so lucky to have you. So many children in dreadful situations, whose wider family prefer to close their eyes. You are a marvellous person, Babylon, really you are.

Thanks Jux

When we were on the way home, I did everything I could to make them smile.

I taught them how to "scoop" to make the car go faster
I also taught them how to feel like you're running really really fast when you're in the car (think Dumb & Dumber)

With every mile closer to their home we got, they visibly shrunk and became quieter and quieter.
This made me very sad.

When we got home I took some time out to talk to eldest DN. she admitted she is frightened to ask for help or talk to anyone as she is frightened of what her mum will say - and that mummy will end up in trouble. I did my very best to reassure her - but I'm not convinced she believes me. All 4 of them have become so conditioned.

The meeting took place while I was out with the DCs.

There is a good solid plan in place for supporting the DCs and Dsis, as well as BIL. He HAS to go to work, but he has also been told that he has to talk to the partners at his work and make them fully aware of his situation.

Dsis is going to have a further 2 weeks intensive support from a crisis team MH worker, family support worker and daily visits from a registered nurse who will administer Librium for a further 3 days, Antabuse after that and metronidazol antiBs for the next 10 days as Dsis has developed an abscess in her mouth

There is a plan arranged for transporting DCs to and from school daily, and for the next 2 weeks initially, DPs and myself will be spending the day time (school hours and early eve) at my dsis' house.

This is two fold in that Dsis will not be alone and will hopefully not get the opportunity to drink.

Whoever is there supporting will be tasked with clearing, decluttering and cleaning an area of a room (it's a bloody mess) ALONGSIDE Dsis.

We all agree it is important she takes responsibility for herself, and her actions - BUT we cannot do it for her.

She used to have brilliant bath and bedtime routines, so we are going right back to basics and we will get the DCs back into good habits

It is going to be painful for you to be there and doing the clearing up. It will be shocking for you and for your parents when you come upon her stashes. Please look very carefully for hidden alcohol, etc. She will be angry and ashamed and probably in denial and unco-operative. Watch out for areas she seems to be guarding while you declutter. This is not going to be an easy task on any level.

However, the winners will be the DCs. They will take a good deal of time to adjust to having someone looking after them. Parentification is a horrible sort of abuse. Getting right back to the basics and having a routine will be a good way to help them feel secure again. Sometimes little gestures like doing girls' nails or setting a nice table for meals can go a long way.

Will there be a follow up meeting to assess how it is all going? What options as to residence of your DSis are still on the table if it turns out that having her remain at home is nor working out for her treatment or for the sake of the children?

Has someone informed the school?

Sounds like a good plan of action is in place.

I hope it all goes well and please look after the DC.

can i ask what professionals were at the crisis meeting?

what is your sisters opinion of the decluttering idea? it doesnt sound like a great idea for someone trying to detox....?

I think that the decluttering will be neccessary for the welfare of the children MrDobalina, it will also help dsis to begin to take some control of her home situation and parenting capacity. I would imagine that it is a key goal for her. She will understand that those around her are supporting in her in what she needs to do regardless of her own priorities, this will be benificial to her.

I would imagine that she is reciveing care under the care programe approach also, this is very common especialy that she is a parent and from the onset the focus will be to emphasis and enhance her abilty to take care of her own basic needs and that of her children, so the fact she is recovering in a clean and stable house will be one less thing for her to worry about and get on top of her each and every day. It will be far easier for her to wake of a morning and maintain a routine if this achievable in a clean and tidy environment. It will be apart of working towrds longterm goals as well as the here and now, which is what childrens services will be wanting to know. The crisis team will be working in partnership whilst sharing a large responsibilty for the childrens welfare in what they can realisitly sustaine for the family in terms of support.

it seems to me, like too much, too soon

she is likely to be very sick, weak, tired and emotional. I would have thought trying to organise/ have people organise around/with her so soon, would be very irritating/destabilising? And Im not convinced that she will understand that those around her are supporting her???

my experience though is not with the main care-giving parent as the alcoholic

anyway....i should have said.....i hope it all goes to plan. Sending lots of positive thoughts and strength x

It well be most definatly you are right, but I think if it seems necessary, it will have to be done.

Unfortunatly she isnt the only person having to live in the house and the childrens welfare and health will also be priority. It will be ugly Im pretty sure of it, and those around her may not be fuled with sympathy but it seems thier is a lot of emphathy and commitment, she will of course not see that all of the time.

But Im also sure she will not be flat out cleaning all day, a small achivement will im sure be recognised and aknowledged, Op has said one area of a room will be what they aiming for, so sounds like it is pretty dire.

She will be involved in the planning at all times, her own comitment at times may not be great and she will probably agree to what she feels is the minimal she needs to or is able to in order to remain in the home with her children. Her support packadge will be pretty robust to ensure that aswell. I agree though it will not be a smooth road. But she has lots of resourses that are being invested in her and childrens future and hopfully she will recognise that when she is slightly stronger.

Babylon

I'm so glad you gave the DCs a normal day out. Well done. Their reaction upon returning is understandable, I've had the same thing. Felt really ill at home, gone out & felt great only to go downhill on the drive home. Even though they need the stability of their own home it is the seat of extreme stress for them. That will take time and a lot of effort to shift to being the haven it should be in their minds. Just keep plugging away with telling them that none of this is their fault. And something I taught my DDs, this was a light hearted thing,

-children don't get grown-ups into trouble, the grown-ups do that themselves.

I can't decide if the decluttering is a good idea right now, or not. The DCs need a return to routine in a tidy house as soon as possible, but it could be too much for your sister right now. I think I would go ahead with it because the DCs need it and expect to get some abuse (probably) from your sister, at least to begin with.

I think it is important for the Dsis's sense of priorities, or in order for her to recognise reality, to clean up the house for the sake of the children. Alcoholics are incredibly self absorbed and over the years the Dsis will have convinced herself that what she was doing was fine and hurting nobody.

FWIW I too think it is quick and possibly expecting too much too soon.

I am fully prepared and expecting this to be a one step forward, two steps back kind of thing.

At the meeting there was an addiction specialist worker, a doctor from the hospital managing the addiction and medication regime, a family support worker, Dsis, DM, DF and BIL - MIL has decided she doesn't want to be involved and has withdrawn her support

The decluttering NEEDS to be done as a matter of urgency - it is pretty dire.

I think DM is perhaps pushing a bit too hard, and hasn't realised that she cannot fix Dsis, however she also said that whilever Dsis has a task, is busy and distracted (and supervised) she hopefully won't be searching for an opportunity to drink.

The thinking behind that is that she will detox of alcohol completely over the next few weeks and hopefully break the cycle of habitual drinking.

I think it will take a lot longer than a few weeks personally, and as I have said before, I am fully expecting a massive relapse sooner rather than later.

There are plans in place for the DCs if that should become necessary.
At the drop of a hat, all 4 can (and will) be removed to DPs house. DPs have purchased a small selection of clothes for all 4 which will be kept at their house for the time being.
This was also arranged at the meeting yesterday. Dsis is quite resistant to this, but she wasn't given a choice.
She is not being allowed to drive the car, the children will be taxied to and from school with Dsis acting as chaperone.

Thank you all for your messages of support - it is so appreciated.