to feel ashamed and disgusted? Should I be showing compassion?(Long - sorry)

[BabylonPI]

OK,

my DSis and I haven't seen eye to eye for quite some time - the last time I visited her house was in September 2009 when dd2 was a month old. Since then, I've given birth to DS1 - she didn't know I was pregnant with him as I asked people not to tell her. I didn't want her to know. The last time I had any contact with her was in August 2011 when she ruined my DD2s birthday party by starting a massive row with my inlaws

DSis has 4 DCs, and I love them dearly. I have maintained contact with them even though I haven't had any contact with her.

At the beginning of the summer hols, DSis was admitted to hospital with some unknown illness. My parents begged me to make contact with her, and I did - for them, not for me or for her, but for my parents.

She was discharged from hospital (without a diagnosis) and we met for the first time in 12 months at my parents house. She met my DS for the first time and it was fine.

On Monday this week I took a trip up to her house as it was her DC3s birthday on Tuesday and I wanted to make sure the card and gift was on time. DSis was not expecting me and immediately upon entering her home I felt very uncomfortable - nothing I could put my finger on but very uncomfy.

Her DCs 3&4 told me upon my arrival that I shouldn't use the downstairs loo as mummy has been sick in there and it smells. DC4 also said that Daddy was still at work and he wasn't coming back.

Alarm bells started to ring, and I just felt that she wasn't herself. I thought she had been drinking, but talked myself out of that as I know how ill she has been. DCs asked if me and my DCs could stay for tea - DSis said we must and she would go and fetch takeaway. At this, I said we simply couldn't and had to get home.

I left after approx 45 mins.

On the way home, I called my parents and started off a whole chain of events which I'm devastated by.

I told parents that if I didn't know better I would say she was drunk - parents didn't believe me, so took a trip up to her house unannounced. The shit really hit the fan.
DSis denied drinking, but her whole attitude and demeanour gave her away. She attacked her DH, our parents and all in front of her 4 DCS who were screaming at their GPs to leave as they were making everything worse

It gets worse.

On wednesday, I got a call from DM to say I needed to pick her up ASAP and get to DSis' house.

On arriving there, we find, DSis sat in a heap on the floor covered in her own vomit. The living room floor covered in vomit with the youngest DCs playing in it and the family dog eating it

She was so out of it - sat there in just a bra, completely oblivious to her surroundings. This was at 5pm.
She had collected her children from school in the car in this state (but dressed) just over an hour before. Eldest DC had called her Dad to say they desperately so needed help as mummy was so ill. Daddy called GP and so on and so forth....

Dsis is fighting drunk. DCs are witnessing everything (and it was obvious by their reactions that they've witnessed it before).

Because of her recent stay in hospital, her DH and my DM thought it best to take her back to hospital - she is denying all the time that she has had a drink.

At 10pm last night, she was still twice over the legal drink drive limit - she wasn't fit to be seen by the MH crisis scene until after 2am.

She was vile to the hospital staff, DH, DM - everyone really.

It then all came out. She has been drinking in secret for YEARS. She has conditioned her DCs to say NOTHING by thereatening them with Social Services and telling them they would be taken away.
She has had numerous bumps in her car, and has been breathalysed on one occassion that we are aware of (obviously clear on this occasion). Her DCs finally admitted that mummy often mounts the kerb when driving and they have been covering up for her.

She also has major issues with dependency on painkillers. Again, she has denied this vehemently.

She was sent home from hospital soon after 5am today. She has a crisis team in place who will visit her daily at home. She is on a detox as she is severely alcohol dependent.

She missed her DC4s first day at school and her DC1s first day at Secondary school due to her drinking.

When she arrived home, her first concern was that she didn't want to see her MIL, and after that I received a call to ask if I had seen her iPad as she couldn't remember what she had done with it.

I dropped EVRYTHING last night to go to her and her DCs, and her major concern is updating her facebook status :(

I am disgusted, angry and ashamed of her. Right now I don't want to know her. I am livid that she has risked her children's lives and the lives of others by driving drunk on a daily basis for god knows how long.

I will do anything to make sure the DCs are safe, but I'm not sure I can see her without without giving her a good hard slap

Is this wrong? Should I be supporting her unconditionally?
AIBU for being this disgusted with her?
Where do I go from here?

She has some deep rooted issues which she had told everyone she was addressing and was getting counselling for - this was also a lie.

I'm gutted

Sorry, I did say it was long.

Coming out of lurking to let you know how much I feel for you. My Dsis is 31 and has been an alcoholic since early 20's. She has never really experienced a 'grown up' lifestyle and has been incapable of working for over 10 yrs due to her dependency. She lives with an older guy in a dump of a house. Thank god she has no children.

After years of trying to help her, supporting her, clearing up her mess and breaking our hearts over her, my DM and I had to take a step back and let her get on with it. There is nothing we can do.... Except let her know we are there for her once she has sorted herself out. The kick in the face is just too hard to bear every time she falls off the wagon.

So please don't feel bad for your feelings towards her. I have become hard hearted towards DSis over the years. Or else I would have had a bloody breakdown by now. I totally understand your feelings of disgust towards her. Alcoholism brings the lowest of the low out of people. Compassion will not help your Dsis. Hopefully the reality of losing her children will take her to rock bottom and she will want help. If she doesn't want help, you cannot force her.

So glad her Dc's have great support around them. Sounds like a strong family network, and that will get them through this. Can't believe you are such a great support on MN to people when you have all this going on!
( Like I said - usually just lurk )

I've remembered the way I felt when I found my (much older) housemate unconscious at 9am - booze. I remember the horror and disgust - I had forgotten it. She wasn't a relative, she wasn't responsible for small children, but I remember that fear, utter disgust and profound shock, which lasted for a week at least. Part of it was feeling she had 'put me in that position' when, in fact, she hadn't put me in any position.

It's different for you - you will be shocked to your boots that this has been going on under your nose (addicts are masters at hiding their addiction) and also your horror that the kids have been living in this hellhole. That can give rise to a tremendous anger and disgust, which is apparently the standard response when the full extent of the addiction is revealed.

My immediate concern is the children, as I'm sure it is yours. the right people are on the case now re your sister and, I assume, will make decisions about the best thing to do for the children.

garlic makes a very good point about relating to/addressing that crushed girl inside her. Until you can do that, you won't be able to iyswim. Get yourself support first - Can you get some support to get you through this tremendous shock? the kids are in the right hands, though you may have some say in what happens to them.

So sad. There are no winners in addiction, only wrecked lives all round. awful

Babylon, I typed up a massive post about my SIL who is an alcoholic. I can't begin to replicate it as I have another migraine and half my field of vision is obscured - reading is a bit hard at the moment. Anyway, she stopped drinking 20odd years ago, started again 12 years ago and stopped again. As far as we know she hasn't had a drop for 10years.

I just wanted to say, that of course you feel all those things. She has children, a dh, a gorgeous house - and yet none are as important as the booze. Your love and compassion for when at start coming through when you have dealt with the crisis and you have the leisure to feel gentler emotions. Atm, you need the fight to get you up and moving, give you the energy and determination to get things moving. Anger, disgust and so on are the ones which do that.

How wonderful of you to think about taking on her children. You're clearly one of the best! I suspect that your children will not really suffer by sharing their lives with their cousins. (There's no doubt hers will benefit massively.)

Good luck with it all.

The children's safey and emotional well-being MUST be the priority above all else. So some tough love is going to be necessary. IMO this is what needs to happen:

-IMO she needs to leave the home and either go stay with relatives or freinds or at a treatment facility if one is available.

-The children's father needs to make them and not work and a bit house the priority. He needs to rearrange his schdule as needed or have family/daycare/nanny/friends/neighbours etc fill in the childcare gaps.

-Any contact with mom should be supervised until she follows through with treatment, participates in follow up community addictions support programming and has a period of stability. There should be NO compromise on this. She has been emotionally abusive and has been putting the children's safety at risk for years.

I would absolutly not be okay with a plan where she lived in the home and was alone with the children for any period of time. Such a plan doesn't lack compassion - you can feel compassion and still insist on the children's safety first and foremost.

So sorry Babylon my aunt's husband was an alcoholic and it is the most difficult thing to deal with. We always felt, at the back of our minds, that it was self-inflicted. My mum's cancer was actually easier to cope with as she couldn't be blamed for being poorly.
All the children are a priority. It seems like a lot to handle if her DCs were to come and stay with you. How able are your parents? Would they be able to look after the children? From reading other threads it is clear that you are such a lovely person. Don't feel that you have to take the DCs on if you might not be able to cope. Your children are just as important. There are other family members too that should help. It will be on going as opposed to recovery and such a hard way to live.
I hope your DSis is beginning to realise how serious things are.

Your sister cannot be helped until she has reached rock bottom & wants to be helped. As the child of an alcoholic mother, I can say I resented all the help & support she was given while we were left with all the responsibility she was abdicating. It is not always in the best interests of the children to be left with an alcoholic mother. Prioritise the children and what is best in THEIR interest. Your sister has a choice please don't enable her by allowing her to continue her life without changing/confronting her problem. Her children need to be children. Take the weight from their shoulders by letting them be kids again without having to worry whether this time mummy might not wake up etc.

Don't feel guilty because you are not feeling compassionate towards your sister. What she really needs around her is a team of people who care enough to let her hit rock bottom and start fighting her way back up. When she is ready, I have no doubt you will be a valuable asset to your sister in her recovery but she has to WANT to recover in the first place?

Good luck x

Hope you get some downtime with your DH & the kids this w/e & can relax a bit.

You have a terrible burden on your shoulders but it sounds like you have started making a plan as a family to support your BIL & DC's so that the professionals can start to deal with your DSis.

As another child of an alcoholic mother, I second so much of what has been said here - please help hose kids, particularly the eldest.

I was the oldest child, with a brother and sister much younger than me. By twelve, I was taking responsibility for them, both still under 2, while she spent all day in the pub.

At fifteen, I was taking them to school and helping with homework. I cleaned the house - she never did.

That sounds unremarkable - and it's what most people, includig family, saw. What she told them. I was a good, helpful, older sister.

What no-one saw (or wanted to see, in the case of certain family members) were the many, many nights I had to st up waiting for her to come home from the pub till 1am, because she'd be too drunk to get her key in the door and would smash the glass instead, shouting and screaming, including every night before my GCSE exams. They didn't see the times I was up till 2am washing blood stains and vomit off walls and furniture so my brother and sister wouldn't get up and see them, or the times my mum would be so irrational she'd threaten me with kitchen knives for failing to do some task which should never have been mine to do in the first place.

All though my teenage years I was desperate for help. Desperate for someone to notice there was a problem and yet terrified of exactly the same thing.

I fought to protect my brother and sister from the worst of it. I think I succeeded with my brother but I failed with my sister, who came home one day at fourteen to find my mum's latest (also alcoholic) boyfriend vomiting blood all over, drunk off his head.

The really horrible thing is, although I knew it was bad, I didn't know how bad till I had my own child.

Your sister will be an alcoholic all her life. Her children, particularly the eldest, will be the children of one all theirs. You can't make a difference to whether she recovers. You can make a huge difference to them. Reserve your compassion for where it will do some good.

And, believe this, too. By helping them when she can't, you will be helping your real sister.

Another good place to look at is here.

I am not an alcoholic, but drink became a problem for me.

Maybe losing her DC's will be the boot up the arse she needs, probably not, but you can hope.

I still have weeks when I drink too much, unfortunately due to circumstances it's my coping mechanism.

One thing I can say though, is, my DS means that I will not decent into alcoholism because his sperm donor will not get his hands on him.

Ginnybag - could have written so much of your post myself! Worked my arse of as a kid to cover the problem at home. Will never forget the times we would get home from school & hide in the shed as our mother was in the pub and forgotten all about us (not allowed to wait on the doorstep - what would th neighbours think!).

Let the kids be kids. Babylon - you seem to have your head screwed right. You'll do the right thing (and we are all here to support & help you when you question yourself!)

Hi just checking in again.

Wrote a massive long post and lost it

I've read all of your posts and will respond to as much as I can:

WRT CAF - I know this situation is well beyond completing a CAF, and they are used for early intervention to be preventative rather than reactive - however, they are a simplified version of the AF9 form which the SW will complete (a referral to SS has been made).

I have spoken to al anon and got some info and advice from them. They were very helpful.

Everyone here is asleep, do I'm taking a bit of time just for me.
I poured a glass of wine to sit with and relax, and I actually heaved before it got to my lips. Is this a normal reaction?
I enjoy wine, I like to relax with a glass - am I scared that her illness is catching maybe?

I've got such a grand Prix of emotions racing around in my head right now.

Guilt has become a factor for me

Dsis called me back in April,just before I gave birth to DS.
I answered the phone, but I didn't realise who it was as I didn't see caller display.

She asked me if I had time to talk or if I wanted to talk to her.I replied no to both questions before I hung up the phone

Maybe I should have just talked to her

Babs, she'd already been drunk for eight years.

(May I call you Babs?? )

catwoo - uncalled for and nasty. The OP has given her reasons for why she has problems with her sister and it is not for us to judge that.

The children need to be the main priority in this situation. An alcoholic cannot be helped if they do not want to help themselves.

I have reported your post and hope it gets deleted as I dont believe that a personal attack is in the spirit of MN

Skyblue- where is the personal attack?
The Op has asked AIBU.I am sure she is a a big girl and can take it when people say SIBU
Her post read to me as being chock full of loathing and disgust for her sister, who is clearly very unhappy.I think the OP is doing more harm than good The sister has a husband and parents

catwoo, I don't think you can have read the same op as I did. Perhaps you have your own issues to work through?

BabylonPI It is shame you are going through this. It would be almost certain that the children would go onto a child protection plan as they are being emotional and physically abused, and neglected. If your sister is still drinking and residing in the house, it is also likely she would be told to leave so that the father could care for the children, otherwise the children would be removed.

With all due respect - I know you are trying your best to help, I work in a safeguarding role, and a relative filling in the CAF will not be considered useful, due to the complexity of the situation it is unlikely to be objective considering your closeness to the situation.

It is also not helping your frame of mind completing your own CAF, as once you try to form the analysis you will become a lot more upset due to your closeness to the situation. Personally and professionally I think you should leave the assessment to the SW (who will do their own assessment anyway).

I also think you should ask the SW to set up a family group conference as soon as possible to sort out what the family can do between them to help.

babylon I know it's easier said than done but please do not go down the road of beating yourself up about things. Your DSis has been an addict for many years. Taking that call would not have changed that.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I have issues to worl through!!!
whose making personal attacks now?
Comments such as 'missing her child's first day at secondary school'
Emotive sounding, but what does it actually mean.You don't 'miss' anything because you don't take your child to Secondary and go and settle them in the classroom do you?
The breathalysing thing sounds bad (except that it was clear so why mention it) And the dog eating the sick ( that's the dog being disgusting)

Well said, MaryZ. :)

maryZ - the children have a resident dad as far as I can make out.Why on earth would anyone think his children should be taken from him?

So sorry, Babylon. Have nothing to add except supportive thoughts and to observe that your feelings seem quite natural and understandable to me, and that you are obviously doing your absolute best in a terrible situation.

Focus on the achievable. All the very best to you & all family. xxx