to feel ashamed and disgusted? Should I be showing compassion?(Long - sorry)

[BabylonPI]

OK,

my DSis and I haven't seen eye to eye for quite some time - the last time I visited her house was in September 2009 when dd2 was a month old. Since then, I've given birth to DS1 - she didn't know I was pregnant with him as I asked people not to tell her. I didn't want her to know. The last time I had any contact with her was in August 2011 when she ruined my DD2s birthday party by starting a massive row with my inlaws

DSis has 4 DCs, and I love them dearly. I have maintained contact with them even though I haven't had any contact with her.

At the beginning of the summer hols, DSis was admitted to hospital with some unknown illness. My parents begged me to make contact with her, and I did - for them, not for me or for her, but for my parents.

She was discharged from hospital (without a diagnosis) and we met for the first time in 12 months at my parents house. She met my DS for the first time and it was fine.

On Monday this week I took a trip up to her house as it was her DC3s birthday on Tuesday and I wanted to make sure the card and gift was on time. DSis was not expecting me and immediately upon entering her home I felt very uncomfortable - nothing I could put my finger on but very uncomfy.

Her DCs 3&4 told me upon my arrival that I shouldn't use the downstairs loo as mummy has been sick in there and it smells. DC4 also said that Daddy was still at work and he wasn't coming back.

Alarm bells started to ring, and I just felt that she wasn't herself. I thought she had been drinking, but talked myself out of that as I know how ill she has been. DCs asked if me and my DCs could stay for tea - DSis said we must and she would go and fetch takeaway. At this, I said we simply couldn't and had to get home.

I left after approx 45 mins.

On the way home, I called my parents and started off a whole chain of events which I'm devastated by.

I told parents that if I didn't know better I would say she was drunk - parents didn't believe me, so took a trip up to her house unannounced. The shit really hit the fan.
DSis denied drinking, but her whole attitude and demeanour gave her away. She attacked her DH, our parents and all in front of her 4 DCS who were screaming at their GPs to leave as they were making everything worse

It gets worse.

On wednesday, I got a call from DM to say I needed to pick her up ASAP and get to DSis' house.
On arriving there, we find, DSis sat in a heap on the floor covered in her own vomit. The living room floor covered in vomit with the youngest DCs playing in it and the family dog eating it

She was so out of it - sat there in just a bra, completely oblivious to her surroundings. This was at 5pm.
She had collected her children from school in the car in this state (but dressed) just over an hour before. Eldest DC had called her Dad to say they desperately so needed help as mummy was so ill. Daddy called GP and so on and so forth....

Dsis is fighting drunk. DCs are witnessing everything (and it was obvious by their reactions that they've witnessed it before).

Because of her recent stay in hospital, her DH and my DM thought it best to take her back to hospital - she is denying all the time that she has had a drink.

At 10pm last night, she was still twice over the legal drink drive limit - she wasn't fit to be seen by the MH crisis scene until after 2am.

She was vile to the hospital staff, DH, DM - everyone really.

It then all came out. She has been drinking in secret for YEARS. She has conditioned her DCs to say NOTHING by thereatening them with Social Services and telling them they would be taken away.
She has had numerous bumps in her car, and has been breathalysed on one occassion that we are aware of (obviously clear on this occasion). Her DCs finally admitted that mummy often mounts the kerb when driving and they have been covering up for her.

She also has major issues with dependency on painkillers. Again, she has denied this vehemently.

She was sent home from hospital soon after 5am today. She has a crisis team in place who will visit her daily at home. She is on a detox as she is severely alcohol dependent.

She missed her DC4s first day at school and her DC1s first day at Secondary school due to her drinking.

When she arrived home, her first concern was that she didn't want to see her MIL, and after that I received a call to ask if I had seen her iPad as she couldn't remember what she had done with it.

I dropped EVRYTHING last night to go to her and her DCs, and her major concern is updating her facebook status :(

I am disgusted, angry and ashamed of her. Right now I don't want to know her. I am livid that she has risked her children's lives and the lives of others by driving drunk on a daily basis for god knows how long.

I will do anything to make sure the DCs are safe, but I'm not sure I can see her without without giving her a good hard slap

Is this wrong? Should I be supporting her unconditionally?
AIBU for being this disgusted with her?
Where do I go from here?

She has some deep rooted issues which she had told everyone she was addressing and was getting counselling for - this was also a lie.

I'm gutted

Sorry, I did say it was long.

[itsjustmeanon]

No advice here, but I couldn't walk away from nephews and nieces. I'd probably visit twice weekly, and make sure she has the specialist help.

[porcamiseria]

OP

I think your feelings for her are irrelevant, and I dont mean that in a nasty way. Of course you feel disgusted, its a normal reaction. But focus needs to be pon her kids, and getting her into rehab

she needs treatment

you and MIL and GP need to pull together and get a care programme for her kids

GOOD LUCK XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[MrDobalina]

you cant love someone better though mymar

if alcoholism could be cured by family meetings and days out, it wouldn't be the problem it is

[springydaffs]

addiction in a family is usually a family matter - not just that it affects the whole family but that it can be the family structure that 'caused' it iyswim. Not always, but often. ie one member of the family can 'act out' problems within the family. Just a thought - do bear it in mind OP.

Although I find your disgust understandable, particularly where her children are concerned, I found it painful to read. She is very ill. It's easy, and understandable, to judge but addictions are complex.

It could be that you have to be around to care for/keep an eye on her kids but if there are other people on hand then perhaps take a back seat from visiting the house. I'm saying that for her sake tbh - she doesn't need someone around who feels angry and hateful towards her. If MIL etc can liaise childcare so you get to see her kids (at yours?) then that may be the way to go? In the meantime, try to get clued up on addiction, read as much as you can etc. There's a lot more to it than meets the eye.

[thewashfairy]

hullygully I'm afraid I can only agree with you. I am also a child of an addict (drugs rather than alcohol) I can not get myself to feel any sympathy for your sister Babylon. I am aware I should though.

I would have given the world for anyone to notice what was really going on in our house and help me and my sister.

My DF stayed with us until me and DSis had finished school and then finally divorced her.

I could not contemplate living with my mother so all of us moved out on the same day.It sounds very cruel but it was the wake up call she needed.

She stopped taking drugs that day..... If only she would have attempted it before.....

[MrDobalina]

please listen to the emotion that hully is conveying; this is your nieces/nephews speaking to you

They need someone to step in and be an adult and take care of them, so that they can be children again. They need to be shown that what has been happening is not their fault

[thewashfairy]

Babylon I used to feel disgusted by my DM all the time. We never took any friends home as we never knew what we would find. Some days she would be ok,other days we would have to pull her out of a puddle of sick or she would be in bed,screaming and hallucinating......

We would have to pick her up from the neighbours as she had wandered in to her house and fallen asleep on their sofa.....

Please help your sister's children. We did not get help and are still dealing with the after effects of living with a severely addicted parent on a daily basis.I left home 30 years ago......

[porcamiseria]

sending lots of hand holding and love your way

you are doIng youre best, and its upsetting

GOOD LUCK XXXX

[Proudnscary]

Feel so so bad for her children.

I do have some compassion and sympathy for your sister who is very ill, but threatening them with social services and making them keep a secret so frightening is something that is very hard to stomach.

Her children will already be horribly affected by all this but I hope to God they get ongoing, long term support and help with their feelings.

Btw I am a bit concerned that you've given away a hell of a lot of detail that someone on this very busy board could recognise.

[caramelsmadfuzzytail]

I am glad that you are thinking of the DC's, with an alcoholic parent and a ground down parent they have no other adult to guide them.

Your sister is an adult, not a child, she is the one that has to make the choice to stop drinking, policing her will just make her find hiding places for her alcohol and will make everyone elses life stressful. Her DH has chosen to close his eyes to it because its easier.

The children are the most important, she has to reach HER rock bottom. I guarantee you that once the detox is over she will deny she's an Alcoholic and back on the merry go round you go.

If it were me I would do everything in my power to get legal guardianship and try and get her supervised visits.

The trouble with Alcoholics, is they will say what you want to hear and as soon as your back is turned, they will go back to the drink.

Have you got a local alcohol and drugs drop in centre?

[caramelsmadfuzzytail]

I just googled a & d drop in for carers and this came up.

could you give them a ring?

[BabylonPI]

Proudnscary I did think that myself - however if she is recognisable to anyone through this then so be it.

AFAIK she isn't a MNer - too much truth here for her and not many takers for her pity party invites.

But if she is and she reads this, then so be it. It might help to be her wake up call.

[Hullygully]

yy washfairy

yy

[BabylonPI]

Thank you Caramel - I'm going to organise dinner for DH and DCs then do some ringing round,

I'm also going to start completing a Common Assessment Framework form for the crisis team to look at. (This used to be my job, so I know what I'm doing here).

The CAF will help give us a care plan for the DCs.

We have discovered today that she has been drinking secretly since 2003 - just after the birth of dc2.

She was also abusing painkillers from approximately the same time.

The drinking has been sporadic, but was ramped up a gear last august after the removal of prescription painkillers and being unable to buy over the counter meds.

Since last august, it has been vodka, decanted into plastic (fruit shoot) bottles so as not to arouse suspicion.

I dread to think what would happen if one of the DCs got hold of the bottle

Earlier this year, she was prescribed codeine which she has had on repeat prescription, and totally over prescribed and a month ago she was prescribed tramadol too

She got thru 4 times the amount of tramadol she should have

[Skellig]

Hi,

In my opinion, you are not being unreasonable at all to feel this way, but you do need to try not to show it - which it sounds like you are doing brilliantly.

Your original post says you feel ashamed - completely understandable, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong. One of the horrible things about alcoholism is the way that it is so often kept secret and hidden because of the shame that is felt not only by the alcoholics, but by their relatives, making it even more insidious.

My dad was an abusive alcoholic who eventually drank himself to death. He had numerous hospital visits with cover-ups and excuses. My mum spent years promising us as children and then adults that she would leave him: she never did. Even after his death, many members of my family will not openly acknowledge what we went through. For this reason, I agree with other posters that your sister's husband needs to think very seriously about the welfare of his children and what is best for them. It sounds like they have been put in a terrible situation which has the potential to have serious long-term effects on them. It shouldn't be your responsibility, but it looks like it may fall to you to make him see how serious this is and, if necessary, to make some tough decisions.

Someone on here has already mentioned Al Anon. I'd try them and I'd also see what other services for families of alcoholics there are in your area. I know I am biased, but I do believe that the most important people in this situation are the children; they are the ones who ultimately need protecting the most.

Good luck.

[holyfishnets]

I think you need to walk away or completely change your attitude. Yes it is awful but she is obviously very very unhappy to have taken to drink. She will be getting help now and you can either help her to help herself or bugger off. She doesn't need to feel negatively judged by you constantly, you need to be looking forward and trying to build a positive future.

[garlicnutty]

It seems you're getting good advice and good support, Babylon. I know this must be whirling around your head non-stop; it's shocking and frightening. I'm glad you realise it's important to take time out for yourself and your life. As you learn a bit more and find out what you can realistically do to mitigate the situation (not mend it or manage it, unfortunately), your feelings will settle and you will find the level of compassion that you, personally, can live with. Don't allow other people to tell you how to feel ... you already know this, but it may be worth repeating whilst everything's so raw.

Some other posters have mentioned being 'gentle' with your sister. It's a good choice of word, imo. Whether alcoholism is a "real illness" or not, it does prove helpful to think of it that way. Addictions start off serving a purpose: it looks like your sister was desperately unhappy about something in 2003 and, like most of us, used a few shortcuts to numb the pain. This becomes an addiction when the substance starts to use the person, rather than the way it started out. Once it's taken hold, addiction attacks the person - mind, body and soul - like an especially bad virus or auto-immune disease. She - the girl you grew up with - is still in there but, most of the time, is under attack and controlled by the addiction/disease.

The gentleness is for the terrified girl inside. Addicts do know "they" are still here, somewhere, even if their substance doesn't let them express themselves honestly. As much as you can stand to, please try to steadily (and gently) address this girl, no matter what's happening on the outside. As far as you can safely ignore the raving/raging/weeping addict, ignore "it" and keep talking to your sister. If you can't find her in there sometimes, walk away but let her know you'll be back. If/when she gets better, she'll remember your faith in her.

I apologise for posting a homily! I wish all of you the best possible outcome. And only do what you can do without causing harm to yourself. Much love.

[Mayisout]

I would negatively judge as she has already cocked up her DCs lives, if anyone thinks that this is a little blip which will have no lasting effects on them they are deluded. The Dcs need to be taken into care or fostered and well away from Dsis they won't recover from this horrible scary life they have been forced to live. But getting them away now won't make whatever they have been put through worse.

I'm all for sympathy and treatment for DS but just get her DCs away from her.

[SpicyPear]

I'm very sad to read your update babylon.

I hope her DH will now understand that you need to be looking at long term safeguarding of the DCs now, rather than getting her detoxed. I'm no "love is all you need" idealist about raising children but a stable, functioning and available parent is much more important than a nice house and the other material things that his demanding job provides.

[skyebluesapphire]

Babylon - sorry you are going through this.

I had a friend who was an alcoholic. It cost her her job, it cost her a relationship, after that she only had relationships with other alcoholics....

I tried everything I could to help her, but in the end I had to walk away as I just couldnt take any more and nothing was getting through to her. Other friends did the same in the end as we just could not help her.

She ended up anorexic and in hospital as she was barely eating enough to stay alive. Her mineral levels were through the floor and one was so low she nearly died.

That finally brought home to her what she was doing to herself. Nowadays she is a lot better. She still drinks, but not to excess and she works and drives and is sensible.

I think that you need to work with your family and her family, bring in any outside support that you can including social services, whose aim is to keep families together, not tear them apart.

But ultimately, she needs to want to get herself better or nothing will ever get through to her.

It seems to me that you are doing the best that you can. The children are obviously the first priority. If she has been driving around drunk then she has been putting their lives and other peoples lives in danger.

[Kayano]

Call SS

[Rhinosaurus]

Ditto Kayano

This is far more serious than a CAF. Her crisis team may well have made a referral already, and I would have thought the school definitely has if she is in the habit of picking up the children whilst drunk.

[MrDobalina]

We have discovered today that she has been drinking secretly since 2003 - just after the birth of dc2

She was also abusing painkillers from approximately the same time

The drinking has been sporadic, but was ramped up a gear last august after the removal of prescription painkillers and being unable to buy over the counter meds

Since last august, it has been vodka, decanted into plastic (fruit shoot) bottles so as not to arouse suspicion

I dread to think what would happen if one of the DCs got hold of the bottle

Earlier this year, she was prescribed codeine which she has had on repeat prescription, and totally over prescribed and a month ago she was prescribed tramadol too

She got thru 4 times the amount of tramadol she should have

None of this matters. Don't torture yourself with the details. And don't chase the why's and the what for's. It a waste of precious energy, of which you will need lots. You wont get any satisfactory answers. And it wouldn't make any difference if you did.

Let your sister get on with her recovery. Decide what you will do to help the kids only

maryz is right...your posts are too much about your sister. You cannot help her

I know this is harsh. I also know you are not ready to hear it. You think your sister, your family is different. But we do need to keep telling you

[biff23]

I was brought up by a drunk. My opinion is that you owe her nothing, she's an adult and it's her choice to wreck her life. However the kids need your help and compassion, they are the only victims here. The way their young lives are going could have devastating effects on them in years to come. They need help and support immediately.