Very worried about my friend. Advice needed please :(

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Hello Ladies ( and dadsnetters!) funnily enough I've name changed! I've been away from here for quite a long time, but I need advice so here I am.

My very good friend of several years is a partner in a bakery, its doing well, she is 25. She is lovely, but she doesn't believe it and always puts herself down.

My friend went on holiday just over a year ago to Turkey and she met a man, He is 52 ( he doesn't look it) ! He was working as a waiter, but his family own the restaurant and he hopes to have his own one day too in the neighbouring town. She told him that she is also a business owner in England. He spent her entire holiday with her, the only way I can describe it is that he has completely swept her off her feet.

He has set up a facebook page and he talks to her on there every night since the holiday convincing her to sell her share in the business and invest it it his dream restaurant in Turkey. She has greed and he says he wants to marry her and for them to have children as soon as possible.

This all seems to her family like a wonderful holiday romance and a fabulous opportunity for her, but I'm not so charitable. I want my friend to be happy, but I'm really worried that she is going to find the reality long way from her imagination, I'm really worried that he is taking advantage of a lovely slightly innocent and naive girl, groomed her via texts / internet.

His wall on FB is like a shrine to their relationship ( its a bit creepy!) . Aside from her family and a few members of his family he has no other friends on there and there is another fb account with the same name which is locked down tight.

I'm really worried she is going to go there ( they have arranged a date of when she is going to emigrate) and either get trapped in a relationship that is not what she is expecting it to be, or she's going to lose all her money and have lost her business all in one.

Would this worry you? I know very little about Turkey I've never been there. I know I'm being judgey about this man, but I'm worried about my friend.

Sorry its so long, but I'd to be accused of drip feeding!!

Should I be worried? What would you do??

Sorry about the speedy typing causing typos too!! doh!!

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. She is an adult and it is up to her if she decides to give this man money or marry him. You are probably right that he is after her money: Turkey is one of the countries that is fairly notorious for predatory conmen. But she won't listen to you if you tell her so.

it would worry me,

I would tell her I was worried and why, I would suggest that she keeps at least some of her bakery money in UK in reserve until they see how well his business does and I would tell her that I would always be her friend and be there for her whatever she does and however it turns out.

I would then wish her everything good in the world, let her make her decisions, walk her path and trust her to be an adult (even if I had my doubts) continuing to be chatty, friendly and involved in her life as much as possible without ever bringing up my doubts again.

If it works out,...great for her, if you are right at least she will have one friend who she knows cares.

that's what I would do. What are you going to do?

Sounds very suss to me! A turkish waiter was obsessed with my sis once but luckily nothing came of it. Call me cynical but it smacks of marry nice girl, take all her money, use marriage to get a visa or such into the UK then devoice nice girl who ends up with nothing

I would warn her of this, and point out the age gap, if she is thinking of having kids with him.

Unfortunately if people are dead set on something then there's very little you can do to chance their mind, and there's the old, if someone tells you not to do something you'll do it all the more. Just be there when it all goes tits up it all turns out fine

I have no idea!

Arrrgghh! Yes I'm with you. It will all end in her tears.
The facebook shrine says it all to me - he's a performer.

If it were me I'd be unable to stop myself spilling my thoughts - i couldn't not!

However, I would say it only once then back off. Then I suppose I'd be there to help pick up the pieces.

Bloody hell.

I am so convinced this guy is grooming her for her money! This sounds awful, but I want to find something on him to prove this to her before she finds herself over there, with only his family / friends around, no money.... If she does marry him and have his children, what rights will she have??? He says he is Muslim, but doesn't pray 5 time a day....

I am just so worried.

She is in a bubble and cannot see the possibilities here other than him being the love of her life. :(

Set up a fake account (or use a friend's account) to send a friend request to the other locked down account?

I think a sit-down-serious talk is in order. Thats what friends are for. You can be diplomatic, but be completely clear and absolutely don't hold back about all your concerns. One danger I would suggest avoiding is trying to "convince" her, as thats not really your job (and will only create more tension and defensiveness in her), only to tell her how you see it in terms of your concerns, and leave her to think it over and make her own mind up. Then move on to a different topice of conversation.

After that, I wouldn't mention it again. She will have hopefully listenend to you and taken it on board. She is an adult and will need to make her own decision.

Fae, thankyou! I hadn't thought of that!

JLJ, I have tried, but she's defensive the moment his name is mentioned - even to ask how he is. I think she knows that the facts tell a different story from the one she wants to believe, but she wants it all to be true and he talks to her constantly.

I just have a gut feeling that it is not the 1st time he has done this.

Is there any way I can check up on him?

What a difficult situation!

I think I agree with izzy again and I would also try to encourage her to see that money and love need to be separate things so if she is going over there with him she needs to keep her bakery share for her and either find a way to support herself/him support her as you never know how things are going to play out in terms of love and involving money so early on is only likely to actually cause them to fall out if anything.

Oops confusing Jane with izzy!!

Ah Fae that was just what I was thinking...OP if you get some screenshots and it was him leading his other life on the FB account, if that's the concern, then I think I would want to find some evidence before I judged someone too harshly although I understand why you want to.

I've suggested that she goes over there for 6 months and leaves her investments in the UK for that 6 months.

If he's not legit, then I'm thinking he won't be able to keep up the act. She thinks its a bad idea to do that because it will put back the date for a wedding and therefore kids. I thought it would give her a chance to get to know his family, his friends, the differences in culture.

How many rights do women in Turkey have?

It doesn't look good does it? He aspires to owning his own restaurant, but in 52 years he's got as far as being a waiter in his parents place !!
Sounds like she may be falling for the old clique :-(

Octopus I think that is exactly the problem, what is visible of him is very controlled. He is not at all open. Anyone who expresses doubts about him he tries to keep her away from. Which could just mean he loves her to bits...

I don't like being judgey, but the gut feeling on this is just not good.

Opentooffers , my thoughts exactly. :(

Ultimately the more you try and do about it the more you'll push them together. She is an adult. You will have to ultimately let her make her own decision. If you think he is fraudulently trying to con her you could ask the police for advice but realistically anything you do may only end up pushing them closer. I think I would have to mention my concerns but gently and non-judgementally and then I would have to try and distance myself.

There are a lot of guys in Tunisia who do this too, so a 'TunisiaLoveRats' site was created for women to name and shame. Could you do some digging and see if there's anything like this?

And if you're still determined to check him out, a fake profile page could work if you added his 'secret' fb page, then you could see what he's hiding.

you'll need to have friends on your fake facebook page before you contact him, though, or it will LOOK fake and suspicious! (i'll be a fake friend - anyone else?)

Turkey is a very patriarchal society and women there are not treated well particularly outside the major cities. If she marries him she will have no life of her own but be expected to put up and shut up.

Your friend is being duped and this will not end at all well for her. Unfortunately your friend's low sense of self worth and esteem has made her a target for such a predator (this is what I would describe him as, he has deliberately targeted her and her naivety). He has seen the many pound signs flash before his eyes, this is all that he is interested in.

There are many salutory tales of Trukish men pulling such stunts on unsuspecting women.

Unfortunately your friend is setting herself up for a big fall.

turkishtravelblog.com/turkish-men-holiday-romance