Very worried about my friend. Advice needed please :(

[penguinbobbleplateblahblahblah]

Hello Ladies ( and dadsnetters!) funnily enough I've name changed! I've been away from here for quite a long time, but I need advice so here I am.

My very good friend of several years is a partner in a bakery, its doing well, she is 25. She is lovely, but she doesn't believe it and always puts herself down.

My friend went on holiday just over a year ago to Turkey and she met a man, He is 52 ( he doesn't look it) ! He was working as a waiter, but his family own the restaurant and he hopes to have his own one day too in the neighbouring town. She told him that she is also a business owner in England. He spent her entire holiday with her, the only way I can describe it is that he has completely swept her off her feet.

He has set up a facebook page and he talks to her on there every night since the holiday convincing her to sell her share in the business and invest it it his dream restaurant in Turkey. She has greed and he says he wants to marry her and for them to have children as soon as possible.

This all seems to her family like a wonderful holiday romance and a fabulous opportunity for her, but I'm not so charitable. I want my friend to be happy, but I'm really worried that she is going to find the reality long way from her imagination, I'm really worried that he is taking advantage of a lovely slightly innocent and naive girl, groomed her via texts / internet.

His wall on FB is like a shrine to their relationship ( its a bit creepy!) . Aside from her family and a few members of his family he has no other friends on there and there is another fb account with the same name which is locked down tight.

I'm really worried she is going to go there ( they have arranged a date of when she is going to emigrate) and either get trapped in a relationship that is not what she is expecting it to be, or she's going to lose all her money and have lost her business all in one.

Would this worry you? I know very little about Turkey I've never been there. I know I'm being judgey about this man, but I'm worried about my friend.

Sorry its so long, but I'd to be accused of drip feeding!!

Should I be worried? What would you do??

I spent several years living and working in Turkey and this rings alarm bells to me loud and clear.

There are some lovely Turks and I still have several friendsin Turkey many who are happily married but for each happy ending I know of countless horror stories.

Whereaboutsin Turkey is this guy from? Does he travel to the resorts to work for the summer? 52 and still working as a waiter in his parents restaurant definitely doesn't sound right.......

52 and unmarried doesn't sound right.

Most of the resorts in Turkey close in the winter- there is very little business. Is your friend wanting to go now or next summer? Winters are harsh in Turkey, no work, no money. Life outside of the resorts is a different world. The cities are cosmopolitan but the suburbs and villages are completely different.

Is there anyway you could go and spy on this guy? Or know someone going there who could check him out?

In my years there I saw it all...... Dropping one girl at airport then running to arrivals to meet the next!! Sometimes their holidays would overlap causing huge headaches.

How good is this guys English? Has he ever been abroad before? Has he only ever worked at his family's restaurant? Who runs the restaurant? Surely his father, presumably in his 70s at least, isn't there all day every day? Why is his son not running the place? It would be usual to be given that responsibility at a young age. I know men in their 20 s running hotels.

You can set your Facebook page to hide your friends list

This definately sounds fishy. Like said before, no way a Turkish man of 52 is living a single life.

You could give her a copy of the book "Fatwa" by Jackie Trevane, holiday romance turned horror story...

www.amazon.co.uk/Fatwa-Living-Threat-Jacky-Trevane/dp/0340862424/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1347615079&sr=8-1

You must be very worried. . Good luck trying to dissuade her.

I guess it's like many places the world over, wherever you are in an unfamiliar setting, easy to get swept off your feet, sometimes it's all genuine, sometimes not.

Have a look on the website Virtual Tourist go to the Turkey section and the sub section called warnings for women.

I wonder if Turkey has anything like a companies register - so you could look him up - also look up the restaurant, if you can, find out whatever you can about him.

Sounds like a complete con. And she sounds like she is unwilling to consider this as she needs what he is pretending to offer, so badly.

I don't know what you can do unless you have evidence that he is messing about.

Like others have said, it does sound suspicious. In 52 years he is still only a waiter in his parents restaurant, surely they will be 70+ years old and ready to hand the business down to him? If that was the case and he wanted him and your friend to buy his parents business an run it together it would make more sense.

Either way you will probably not be able to talk her out of doing what she wants to do.

OTOH, my cousin met a man in Greece, he was Albanian and working there illegally. He had been refused entry to the UK. She fell head over heels and within weeks began planning the wedding. We all thought 'scam! Visa!'

2 years on they are happily married, they split thier time between here and Albania, both families have welcomed them with open arms. They are very very happy together.

Soo, you never know!

I think you should post in OVERSEAS, as there are some turkish mumsnetters who might be able to help. I can think of one in particular with a very level head.

I've not read through all the replies, only glimpsed, but you are absolutely right that alarm bells are ringing. I lived in the country for 10 years + and have seen every possible 'holiday romance' scenario. As much as I love the Turks and the country (and I do, it's like a second home) without a shadow of a doubt this relationship is money orientated, he will take the money and run. Your friend may go over and be there for a little while but I guarantee with the scenario that you have described, she will be back penniless and very unhappy at some point. A big alarm bell should be that he has reached the age that he is and is still working in his family?s restaurant. Normally families would support relatives into setting up their own business. In all likelihood he has had several businesses that have failed in the past....money that has probably come from women who have funded this.

This all sounds as though I am making sweeping generalisations, however I'm 99.9999% certain. Again, after seeing many women 'fall in love' you can talk until you're blue in the face..but I doubt that you will get anywhere, you can only be there to pick up the pieces.

If she is to listen to any advice at all, perhaps she may be willing to retain her business for the moment, get someone else to look after it and go over there for a while.

Good Luck

My sister married an Egyptian man she met in Cairo, he has brought her nothing but sorrow and violence. After 30 years she finally managed to escape, but had to leave 4 of her children behind. Tell your friend to walk away. If she's in a remote part of Turkey, she will become a prisoner and lose any confidence and independence she now has. It's a generalisation but don't trust this guy.

I am sorry, but the chances this is legitimate are zero....or as close as you can go.

Everyone wants to be loved; no-one thinks they will be fooled; so con tricks happen again and again. She won't want to hear it though. No-one does.

another option would be to test the waters, say that she has had to sell her business, it's failed, needed to give money to help relative out etc. and see what his reaction is...if it doesn't cool, then she has her answer...and we've all been wrong, but I strongly suspect that the adoration of her will suddenly cool off.

I'm afraid this doesn't sound good. I have lived in turkey for a while and all over the middle east I love it but I met a few men who did this it's very accepted unfortunately. His age also worries me it speaks of failed businesses In the past. Could she not say she couldn't sell her business here, if he's fine then all well and good if he loses interest..... She has nothing to lose and u could dress it up as a chance to silence all the doubters?

OP do please post to the MNers in Turkey. The red flag bunting is out.

Women do have considerable rights in Turkey, but things do not work the same where as the UK. It is also inconceivable that at 52 he does not already have a marriage behind him, this would be a priority in Turkey. Either there is a wife and probably children or he is divorced, possibly from another foreigner if he speaks good English. Your friend would never know. Turkey is secular and it is illegal to take a second wife although in the East this is still practised on occasion and can take place in the Mosque only and is not a legal marriage.

In addition to that, at 52 he should have his own business already. Is she sure it is his parents place? that they actually own it? 'Own' regarding a business can mean have the lease to the premises for a fixed number of years, not the building. What other property do they/he have? If he is single, always has been and is living with his parents then she could be in for a terrible time. You have no idea what a MIL from hell is until you have met the Turkish version. If no Turkish woman would take him on, you have to ask why. There are plenty of lovely Turkish men and PIL but I do not think he is one of them.

Thank you so much, all of you! There is quite a lot of info there to sift through and to look at the links, I am literally just passing the computer. I will read through properly and I will come back.

Thankyou all again!

I would also advocate persuading her to tell him that she has to to sell her business and give the money to her father to pay for a major operation, something plausible to explain the money disappearing in a heartbeat. then see what happens.

Saying all of that, sometimes people do not want to see what is in front of them. Without going in to details, I saw someone very very clever (normally) lose more than half a million pounds on a fraudster (who she still defends to this day). As frustrating as it is, sometimes all you can do is wait until they need you to help them pick up the pieces.

Oh Squiffy, that must have been heart rending to witness.

That's the worst part about cons: the more people lose, the more fiercely they defend their decision. I suppose it's why so few are reported and why people continue to fall for them.... Even extremely obvious ones, like the one on this thread. :(

This is such a hoary old scam, it's got whiskers on it! They usually target older women because they are wealthier. It's not country specific.

No wonder he's created a web shrine to her - he must be overjoyed...... But sadly not for the reasons your poor friend thinks, penguin. Oh I do hope she might see sense. She sounds a lovely girl.

I'm not going to be anti-Turk about this. I had a lovely Turkish boyfriend at college and know a couple of women who've married Turks, work in the tourist trade and are really happy.

It is true that women's rights are shaky there, culturally if not legally, and the country's becoming more & more Muslim which could create very big problems for her if he's a bad 'un.

The issue is, really, that he looks like a bad 'un regardless of his nationality. She's only spent a couple of weeks with him. That's not long enough to base this kind of commitment on! Why isn't he encouraging her to visit there at weekends and holidays, meet his family and form a normal, close relationship? Has he met all her family and friends, or have you only seen photos?

Surely it'd be far wiser for her to do the relationship building in person, rather than going for broke on an internet acquaintance. Isn't there any way you can help her to decide this more reasonable approach for herself, not slagging him off but letting her find out for herself?

There are long-running wars going on in Turkey, which regularly spill over to other areas and devastate previously nice cities, too. Does she know anything about the place?

It's good she has a friend like you as sounds like she'll need you.

How scary she's planning on marrying him and having dcs She's so very naive no wonder you're worried.

Thanks everybody, I going to try to convince her to tell him she now has no money, I think that is the clincher!! If he still wants her without the money then I will have to admit I have been wrong about him, I am still worried about why he is the age he is without a wife already and it makes me think there is one in the wings... I can only do so much. I will try to open her eyes to how it looks from my perspective and then I will let it drop. :(

Thankyou for all your comments! I knew I could count on MN when Google was letting me down!!

Good luck I really hope she listens to reason?

Penguin I saw the link on the Living Overseas section to here.

Your poor friend. This sounds so deeply worrying. I do hope that your friend listens to you.

Is she not worried about the age gap with having children too?