"We'll talk tonight"

[PurplePlant]

DP and I don't have the best relationship, usually it trundles along, and I start thinking it's not too bad. Then something will happen and I berate myself for starting to think it can be ok.

DP and I have agreed to "talk" tonight. This usually involves him listing all my faults, me zoning out, him getting frustrated, repeating all that has already been said, me withdrawing even further, him getting cross, me finally snapping and walking out of the room.
(If I defend myself or answer back this adds fuel to his fire, and we end up shouting at each other.)
He will then follow me to the next room and continue criticising me, usually interspersed by "Can't you see it?" "I don't think I'm being unreasonable" "So you think that's ok do you?" etc etc
It's always the same pattern until I say something like yes dear, you are of course right. I am totally and go to bed.

Apparently I am the sole cause of his anger due to my "nagging" him to help with housework and "expecting him to jump when I issue an demand"

How can I keep the discussion short? Unless I whole-heartedly agree with the charges laid out before me, then he remonstrates for hours.
I'm so sick of it, it's always me in the wrong. He repeats over and over his points as though I'm that stupid that I don't understand. I don't know why he does this. I like him to just air his grievance once, allow me to respond then try to find a solution.

I have said in the past that I think he likes confrontation, but he strongly denies that.

Any suggestions please?

I will not be able to check back in that often, so please don't think I'm being rude by not responding.

It's my ex again. I couldn't get anywhere with it. Sorry x

Fairenuff - in theory your ideas are totally reasonable but in practice my EA would be apoplectic if I'd tried that

Purple, sorry, he sounds vile and EA.

I would flip the bit about finding fault. No one else finds fault with you either. So it's not his place to do so. His own logic.

Hope you're OK.

Fairenuff - in theory your ideas are totally reasonable but in practice my EA would be apoplectic if I'd tried that

Well, yes, crack, that's kind of the point. It highlights the fact that he doesn't actually want a reasonable discussion, he wants his own way. And he knows that's not acceptable so he is going to try and bully OP by grinding her down until she 'agrees'.

If they can't talk about their differences in a reasonable way, then the relationship is never going to work, imo.

So you're not allowed to criticise him but he's totally allowed to criticise you? How the fuck is that fair? I'd throw that in his face for a start. Then I'd say if you're that unhappy with who i am then you can fuck the fuck off.

How did the talk go Purple?

Are you OK, purple?

hope you're ok purple. My x was the same. The last thing he wanted was 'reason'. He wanted me to be (like op) afraid to say/do anything that would 'ignite' the situation. The status quo of the relationship suited him 100% and any attempt to challenge that was met with a bad temper/mood/sulk.

I can't believe he told you it wasn't your place to criticise him!!!! But he thinks he can criticise you!! What a hypocrite.

Hi everyone,
Yes, we had the talk. After reading some of the comments about how infuriating zoning out can be, I tried to be more responsive.
I said, Yes, I understand that xyz annoys you, however abc still needs doing.
As long as I agree with him, he is fine!

I spoke to Relate again (on Friday) and we were offered an initial apptment.
I sent dp a text with the date and time. Asking "Could you make it?"
He said that he wanted to talk about it first, when I asked what exactly he wanted to talk about he refused to answer my text.

Then the penny dropped and I asked if he was refusing to go because it had been my suggestion. No reply.

Dp came home from work in a foul mood.
Saying, "Look here is just another example of you trying to control me"
"I will not be told what to do by you"

Part of me wants to fucking give up. Another part says try again in a few weeks time with the relate appointment.

Go to the relate counselling on your own Purple. At the very least it will help you draw a line in the sand and clarify what is acceptable to you, what you can tolerate, an outsider's view will reinforce what is reasonable and unreasonable.

It shouldn't be such a battle should it?? I was with a man like this for 8 years nearly. Everything was set up to suit him. He was all fine until I challenged this status quo. For example, I was a sahm which meant that the money was 'his' and the script was that I should be grateful and toe the liine (his line!) and that he should have more disposable income than I had etc etc..... a very old fashioned attitude. BUT the irony was that he went mad whenever I said I would get a job! I knew he wouldn't help with childcare costs (during the week) so I said I would get a job in WH smith at tthe weekend! but he couldn't have that for two reasons. he'd have had to mind the children, AND he couldn't have me embarrassing him working in a shop at the weekend like that!!!!

The thing about control there is ridiculous (the relate counsellor made the appointment) you were only asking him he could make it or not! how is that controlling him!?

you are not controlling him. What is happening is that you are BEGINNING, tentatively to have a 'voice'. And it's a whisper. And he doesn't like taht. Even your whisper needs to be silenced??

There's no shame in giving up. I clung on for four years and gave up in the end. The only regret is that I didn't 'give up' sooner. But saying that, you have to be certain don't you. So GO to the relate counselling on your own if he wont' go. You might be better off going on your own. just let it all out then. without him listenning.

Part of me wants to fucking give up. Another part says try again in a few weeks time with the relate appointment.

Or ask him to make the appointment and give him a deadline, after which you will fucking give up indeed.
His call.

I wish I had done it with ex. Although I'm not sure the outcome would be much different.

Go to Relate on your own.

Tell them that the problem is that your dh thinks you are controlling.

Tell them that he wouldn't come to counselling because he said that was an example of you 'controlling' him.

See what they say.

I suspect they will see right through him and be able to help you with the real problem, which is that he wants to control you.

Alternatively, you can tell him that you've made the appointment and you are going. Whether he goes as well is up to him.

You need some help to remember what it's like to be treated with respect (let alone care and love), not to mention setting boundaries. Relate will help you sort that out. One thing you really don't want is for your children to learn to treat you like he does.

Oh and you can say to him calmly 'I am just letting you know that I will be going to the Relate appointment. I'm not trying to control you, it is entirely up to you if you come too or not but I will be going'. There's nothing controlling in that.

Purpleplant, keep posting. Let us know how Relate goes. Good luck.

Purple, I haven't seen your other threads, only this one. Your fri 14th post says it all. You have sadly got a grade A emotional abuser where you ought to have a loving husband :(

I imagine he didn't start this way, because none of them do.

Attila is spot on - so 'what she says'. Do go to counselling on your own, as couples counselling is not advised in these cases.

This thread...

... Might help if you haven't seen it. Recognising EA is hard from within a relationship;hope you can keep an open mind as you move forward. Good luck...

Again, Thank you.

I will try again with a Relate appt. And, yes I will word the invitation differently next time and see what the reaction is.

I've been a SAHM for 7 years. I feel that now my youngest has just started school that I can breathe again, it's time to find my feet.

DP has said that he is supportive of me getting a job, "as long as it doesn't impact" him. i.e I'll do all the drop-offs and pick-ups!

Thankyou for your support. It really helps to get some perspective on this. I appreciate too the more challenging replies, as it isn't always easy to see things from another angle.

Purple, can I ask what his relationship with his mother is like? he reminds me of an ex whose mother had him on a pedastal and he really could not deal with the fact that I didn't. it was beyond his comprehension that I did not worship him and would dare to find fault with him.

Good luck with the counselling - definitely go on your own rather than not at all.

I had a bf like that once. he wasn't abusive in any way but he was inordinately fond of himself. When we split up (I ended it fwiw) his mother apparently said 'yeah, she must have felt like a bit of an alsoran next to you'. My mum laughed when I told her that. She'd thought he was a bit ordinary for me.

aleene
You are spot on!
He is worshipped by parents, particularly mother.
He cannot bear any sort of critiscism as he has never had any! until I came along
LadyWordy Thankyou. I will have a look at the other thread.

There are no appointments available now with Relate. I have joined the waiting list again.

My own faults definitely include nagging and wanting things done immediately. I don't want to hear a list of my faults thank you and you should tell your DP the same. Or list his faults. Print them out even. But I think you have to decide whether this relationship is worth saving or not. That's the first decision before you can go any further. Not sure about meetings. They sound good but didn't really work for us.

I'd never normally say this, but leave the bastard.

Surely a life alone and even struggling financially would be better than living with that? He isn't going to change, it's too deeply ingrained.

I'm not having a good day today.
Feeling very tearful.
DC driving me crackers.
DP fault finding.
Sometimes I wish there was a little place I could go to where I don't feel so
overwhelmed, even if it was just for a few hours.