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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Disgusted with self - got a teenage crush on colleague :(

45 replies

Diana2000 · 13/09/2012 12:01

This is so mortifying. I'm 36 years old and very happily married to an absolutely lovely man. I'd never, ever cheat on him and do know how lucky I am to be with him.

However, I've recently started a new part time job and to my horror, have developed a full on crush on one of my colleagues. There is absolutely nothing going on and he has given me no reason whatsoever, ie flirting, to think about him this way. But I can't stop thinking about him and, even what is even more cringeworthy, fantasising about him constantly :blush:

I honestly am so disgusted with myself and embarrassed about this even though it's just in my head. And I do know how pathetic this sounds, coming from a woman of my age. It feels involuntary though, like the crushes I had on boys when I was in my teens. Oh god, maybe this is a hormonal thing that means I'm menopausal???

Has this happened to anyone else? I'm really hoping this is normal and doesn't mean I'm a total deviant :(

By the way, I'm being very careful about the way I interact with this man - ie making sure I don't either make too much or too little eye contact with him, don't smile too much but don't seem awkward either (I hope!). If he suspected anything, I really do think I'd die of shame.

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WinklyFriedChicken · 13/09/2012 12:07

I think you're being far too hard on yourself! Its normal to find attractive people attractive; you are dealing with it very well and it will pass, guaranteed. Perhaps try to, erm, channel that energy back into your home situation?

LoveHandles88 · 13/09/2012 12:07

I constantly fantasise about my hot boss
No encouragement from him required, and no actual intentions of doing anything from me. But lovely, lovely daydreams
Enjoy your thoughts!!

purplehouse · 13/09/2012 12:10

Yes you are being hard on yourself. It's all fine but do not start flirting with him. Anything that goes on inside your head is fine, anything else is not fine.

ImNotCrazyMyMotherHadMeTested · 13/09/2012 12:12

I have always had these (and am over 40). Not married though.
My rule:
Fantasise all I like but never EVER let them know, or act differently towards them.
I think it's just like fancying Benedict Cumberbatch etc except when it's a real person you have to be in the same room as them now and again.
Mine always fade after a certain amount of time (and sometimes I am absolutely horrified at what I used to find attractive)
I can actually see my current one from where I now sit (if I lean a bit) mmmm!
However I would never ever let him know also there is a slight chance I'm old enough to be his mother and I'm hoping madly that's not the case because it would put me right off

leguminous · 13/09/2012 12:14

Eh? Crikey. No, it's not disgusting or pathetic or deviant to get crushes - it's very, very normal. Acting on it would not be OK, but you know that, so just enjoy the thoughts and wait for it to pass. It really will, even if it takes a while.

Original poster

Diana2000 · 13/09/2012 12:15

Is it really ok if it's just in my head? I feel like I'm kind of cheating on DH just by having these thoughts. It is horrible.

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Original poster

Diana2000 · 13/09/2012 12:17

Is it normal then?! I have had crushes like these on people off the tv for years but never ever a real life person.

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Original poster

Diana2000 · 13/09/2012 12:20

Sorry, meant to say thanks for the replies. It makes me feel better to know I'm not the only person who's had this happen. Hoping this crush does fade away quickly. Honestly can't express enough how horrid it feels.

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Triffiddealer · 13/09/2012 12:23

Another vote for normal.

What I do is go with the flow for a certain amount of time (say a month or two, depending on the strength of the crush) have some lovely fantasies, and then I end it in my head by imagining that we get together and the sex is actually really average, or that he has odd fetishes that I'm not into, or that he picks his nose in bed and farts a lot etc.

Unless your marriage is suffering, or you are going to act on it, it's really not a problem.

GobblersKnob · 13/09/2012 12:23

Aw bless you, really you are 36 and this hasn't happened before?

You are very very normal and it is only ever wrong when you do something about it, otherwise it's just a nice distraction for your brain.

KirstyWirsty · 13/09/2012 12:30

I say hello to everyone in our department but there is one guy who never acknowledges me and I don't acknowledge him back.. it actually sets my stomach in knots if i have to pass him.. i wonder if I feel some 'danger' signals from him and that's what the attraction is as he is too aloof (and thin) to ever be my type...

Original poster

Diana2000 · 13/09/2012 12:34

and then I end it in my head
that's genius! I think I will try to do that. Reprogram my thoughts, basically. Thanks :)

Gobblers, yes it really is the first time. As I said, I've had quite intense crushes on famous people but never a real life one. Well, not in over 20 years! Hmm maybe I'll watch a Lost boxset and try to transfer the crush to Josh Holloway instead.

It's a massive relief that people are saying this is ok a d that it happens to them too. And that it's harmless. I have been absolutely wracked with guilt and self disgust.

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Original poster

Diana2000 · 13/09/2012 12:36

Kirsty, that sounds very awkward. Would you feel strange saying hello to him after all this time of not speaking?

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GiserableMitt · 13/09/2012 12:56

As someone said on another thread, try and imagine him with a bit of toilet paper stuck to his foreskin, or him telling you he's just sharted.

I thought it was hilarious, and probably likely to work.

BardOfBarking · 13/09/2012 12:57

I have a humungous crush on someone at the moment, who thankfully does not reside in this country very often. We exchange a lot of e-mails (work) and because of the time difference we are sometimes sending e-mails back and forth at unsociable hours.

2 days ago, at some ungodly hour at his end, he wrote a subtly flirtatious comment in one of his e-mails and my heart and other strange parts of the anatomy did somersaults!

Now my innocent 'teenage-like' crush has become something potentially dangerous and I know that I need to watch everything that I say and ensure it is entirely professional at all times. However that 1 remark has fuelled the fantasy and that is not at all good.

KirstyWirsty · 13/09/2012 13:05

Diana itis so awkward that I actually have to brace myself to walk past! He has just moved to sit next to one of my team members so I will need to sort it out somehow!

fedupwithdeployment · 13/09/2012 13:13

I don't actually fancy anyone at work at all....but had a hideous dream about someone here once. I was having a full on (graphic) affair with him...IN MY DREAM. I was mortified when I woke up. And it wasn't much fun the next time I had to speak to him....but i got over it!!

Original poster

Diana2000 · 13/09/2012 13:55

Giserable that made me do a very childish LOL

Bard that does sound rather dangerous. Do you think he's guessed that you fancy him?

Kirsty maybe just saying hello to him will help to neutralise his aura of mystique. After all, you did say that he's not really your type physically.

fedup that has happened to me too and it's excruciating the next time you see them isn't it? The worst for me was having an extremely graphic dream about my then partner's best friend. It was completely out of the blue as I didn't fancy him in the slightest. Took a lot of effort to look him in the eye next time we met.

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BardOfBarking · 13/09/2012 14:33

I don't know - I do wonder if it's written all over my face when we do meet face-to-face but I sincerely hope not. If he has even the tiniest inkling of what he's been doing to me regularly in my head, then I am undone! I am dreading (and even worse) intrigued by the nest time we meet up.

As to the flirtatious comment - I made no comment, but practically had to sit on my hand and type with my nose to stop myself

Mumsyblouse · 13/09/2012 15:22

I think this is normal, it certainly happens to me and is not a reflection on my husband. It can't be possible that, just because you signed a piece of paper, you suddenly don't attract or aren't attracted to anyone else ever again. As everyone has already said, the trick is to carry on as if you have never thought such a thing and not to get into compromising situations. But, just thinking it, it happens from time to time.

dustyhousewithdustypeople · 13/09/2012 15:57

Work crushes are great, they make work that bit more fun

I seem to have them all the time, involving a changing cast of people at work, in shops, friends of friends or famous people. It's fine.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/09/2012 16:00

Normal, but don't fuck him.

Original poster

Diana2000 · 13/09/2012 16:02

As to the flirtatious comment - I made no comment, but practically had to sit on my hand and type with my nose to stop myself

What did he say??
Was it gently, unthreateningly flirtatious or downright suggestive? Well done on not responding, anyway.

Mumsyblouse yes, logically that does make sense. Our minds may be aware that we've promised to forsake all others but our bodies don't. Although mine has never behaved this badly before.

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bubalou · 13/09/2012 16:08

I fancy loads of men, My DH even jokes that I am a horn dog.

I have never acted on it and never will.

Don't be so hard on yourself - fantasise away.

Original poster

Diana2000 · 13/09/2012 16:11

dusty maybe you're right. If you're absolutely certain that nobody, including the object of your crush, can tell and if you don't feel guilty about it then I can see how it might possibly be fun. I'm petrified of 'my' crush bloke somehow guessing my rude thoughts. Starting to feel less awful about having them in the first place though, which is good :)

Laurie there is no danger of that!

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