Need a kick up the bum :(

[NameChange1209]

29, married 3 years, together for a good bit longer. Sex life brilliant to start with but has tailed off dramatically - some months we do it around the time I ovulate as we're supposedly trying for our first baby, but that's it, and it's always at my instigation. Tried to talk about it, he's refused to read the books, refused counselling.

He is affectionate, but not passionate. This is despite my best efforts. We spend time together, I compliment him, shave my legs & wear nice pants. I haven't felt desirable in a long time. Apart from this he is a great husband, but it is a bit like living with a really close friend. The lack of sex and passion makes me feel shitty. I can't count the number of nights I've laid in bed next to my husband having tried it on with him only to be knocked back with yet another bullshit excuse.

A new man recently started on my team. He is a very sexy man. About 2 weeks ago at a work social occasion, this man kissed me. I pushed him away, very cross, and told my husband that someone kissed me, although not who, as my husband works for the same company. Husband, tbh, didn't seem massively bothered. On good days I think that's because he trusts me. On bad days...

Since then, I have seen this man in a whole new light. Then a series of messages that were legitimately about work became rather more suggestive. Suggestive but not explicit. I was turned on by it. Felt myself making excuses to brush past him, spend more time together. Knew he was doing the same, and I loved how it felt. Felt like a giddy teenager realising the class heartthrob fancied her too.

Then I shook out of it. Stopped the messages, physically distanced myself. No lines were crossed, from an outside point of view, but I knew in my heart I had been doing something wrong. He hasn't pushed the issue, for which I am grateful. But I feel like that same teenager has just been dumped by the class heartthrob. I am gutted, so sad. Miss the attention. Miss the little smiles.

Need a kick up the bum. Thanks for reading.

Think you need to have a chat with your DH as you don't seem to be getting what you want out of your relationship.. if he can't give you what you want do you want to stay with hom for another (possibly) 50 years?

Think you've done the right thing by keeping your colleague at arms length despite all the excitment - think of how messy that could have ended with the 3 of you working for the same company

I think you should tell your DH pretty much what you've said here. You've behaved responsibly and with respect and consideration to your DH. He isn't even meeting you half way and has to take some responsibility himself. Refusing to talk about it is not an option and he needs to realise that however uncomfortable the discussion may be, it won't be as bad as dealing with a divorce or the aftermath of an affair, which are very real possibilities the longer this goes on. In the meantime, please stop TTC. A baby is the very last thing this marriage needs right now.

Do you want to stay with your husband?

I do want to stay with my husband. He is kind and funny and sweet and often very thoughtful. He is a fairly crap communicator though. I just wish he wanted me.

At the minute I feel as though I am more sad about 'losing' the man from work, but I know I'm not, really. It was just nice feeling like that for a while. Imagine if I went off with him. 2 years down the line I would just be lying in bed next to a different snoring farting man that doesn't fancy me :(

Do you want to stay with your kind and funny and thoughtful husband if he continues to not want you sexually?

I am fairly sure that he will continue to not want me sexually. And he will continue to look at porn on his ipad and clear his history settings. But yes I want to stay with this man. All marriages have their issues, don't they? This is ours.

Imagine I left him. Then what? I stay single, get over him, meet someone who seems great but gambles. Or cheats. Or drinks. Or never does any housework, and expects me to do it all. Or has a racist streak, or doesn't get on with my family, or, or,... No. I have chosen a life with this man. I just need to learn to be content with affection. Passion fades anyway, in every relationship. It was just hard being reminded of how lovely it feels.

OP, I think you're lying to yourself, and you know it. I mean, how can you possibly sacrifice such a significant part of yourself for the rest of your life, while he rebuffs you and watches porn?

Please - do something different: be one of those women who doesn't subjugate their own needs, wants and desires for their partner. I have a feeling you won't be the one who is set free in the process.

won't be the only one

You are also into 'black and white thinking' mode: that it is either your husband, or a racist, rude, snoring, farting alternative. Maybe, just maybe, you can be in a relationship with someone who is kind, funny and thoughtful, and who fancies the pants off you - literally.

"Imagine I left him. Then what? I stay single, get over him, meet someone who seems great but gambles. Or cheats. Or drinks. Or never does any housework, and expects me to do it all. Or has a racist streak, or doesn't get on with my family, or, or,... "

Now try this exercise: Imagine I left him. Then what? I am single, go have flirty fun with others, get to feel that giddy feeling again. Meet someone who seems great but doesn't gamble, or cheat, or drink, and who does housework and doesn't expect me to do it all, and who doesn't look at porn but at ME.

Or this one: Imagine I stay with him. Then what? I stay in a loveless relationship, like living with a cozy roommate because he looks at porn so much we never have sex anymore, ... No.

It's your choice. You think you're choosing the "lesser of two evils" but why settle for evil?

And buy yourself some toys, girl! No reason you should stay unsatisfied. Lie there next to him in bed and let yourself get some!

Op you've only been married 3 years! It shouldn't be like this.
Not every man gambles or cheats or drinks etc
Can you really stay in a sexless relationship with someone who is getting off on porn while making you feel shit?
Do you try and discuss it?
I think sex going off the menu is the symptom of bigger problems

Conflugenglugen I wouldn't say I was subjugating myself, really. There isn't such a thing as a perfect relationship, and I'm not sacrificing my marriage for some Disney happy ending that simply doesn't exist.

peterrabbit I couldn't honestly say yes or no for certain. I don't use his ipad very much at all, although the history is always cleared when I do. I don't ever notice him using porn - we live in a flat, he can't sneak off anywhere, but that said we both work shifts so I don't know what he does when I'm not there.

monster I do get myself off! But it's just not the same, is it.

I disagree, NameChange. My feeling is that you are in justification mode. And there is a significant and real difference between a "Disney happy ending" and a partnership where sex plays an important and functioning part.

There is a reason you posted on here. Was it really so that we could tell you how ridiculous you're being? That feels like masochism to me. What do you really want?

I posted because I was feeling so sad about having to distance myself from the man at work. I don't know what I actually want.

Sorry but this a major red flag.

I was in a similar position, very little physical contact with Dh, luckily managed to conceive but sex/affection tailed off to non existent. Although my husband was a lot older than me I woke up one day and realised I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone who didn't want me. I needed physical contact/love/affection.

We separated at the beginning of the year, things are pretty amicable, they have to be as we have ds who is 5.

I guess what I am saying is things won't get better, only worse. You are too young to be feeling like this.

My sense, NameChange, is that you do know what you want, but are unable to look at it full-on.

I feel for you - and I mean that as someone who has been through their own fight with themselves under very similar circumstances, not because I'm being patronising.

Maybe you're thinking, "I can handle this. Yes, things are bad, but I can be the buffer here. I can get used to this." But, sweetheart, it's there and out in the open now. Best you look at it and do so with some courage and a willingness to face up to the reality of the choices you're making.

It's only when you do that, that there is a real possibility of change - no matter what that change looks like.

The man at work is not the core issue here. He's a distraction from the real problem. Now your distraction is being taken away (wisely and maturely so, by your own action, so well done you) and you are left with the unpleasant reality that you were so happy to distract yourself from.

Which is that you needs are not being met in your marriage, and are unlikely ever to be ("I am fairly sure that he will continue to not want me sexually.").

What do you want to do about that?

Hi Op

No advice - but you could be describing my marriage. We've had counselling and it's worked to a point, but...

Thank you for posting here, and good luck with whatever you go on to do. x

For example:

• You could negotiate an open marriage with your H
• You could leave him and give yourself the opportunity to find a more suitable partner
• You could deny your sexuality and stay in a sexless marriage
• or any other solution of your choosing.

Thanks sunny

HotDAMN - I don't think an open marriage is an option. (although tempting). I really don't want to leave. I can't imagine being without him. He was the first person I thought of when I came round from surgery, he's the one who listens to all my other woes. Is sex really that important?

only you can answer that.

But it's not just the sex, it it.
It's the knocks to your self-esteem when he turns you down.
The knocks to your self-esteem that he uses porn but won't touch you.
The fact that he is not considering this (your needs) a serious problem to be addressed.

What is this weird thing - men liking porn but not the woman who sexually desires them in their own bed, its just totally mind-boggling .

Anyway, back to the question. You sound too young and sexually frustrated to be accepting a relationship just based on companionship. If you can keep it up (sorry no pun intended) I'll eat my hat.

p.s. the bloke at work thing, is just a red herring ...

Jane I haven't got the faintest idea. Honestly.

However are these answers partly due to the fact that I'm asking them about a man? If a man was posting that he had a lovely wife with a low sex drive on here, wouldn't be be told to count his blessings and have a wank if he wants more? And perhaps that would be correct - do I just need to get a new hobby, sort myself out and count my blessings, or am I really in denial?

If a man was posting that he had a lovely wife with a low sex drive on here, wouldn't be be told to count his blessings and have a wank if he wants more?

No, he would be told to set both of them free to find a partner more suited to each other's respective needs.
(unless the wife's low sex drive was due to having given birth 3 weeks prior or something, in which case yes he would be told that HIBU and to be grateful. This is not the case for you and your husband: yours is clearly a case of one partner's needs not being met, nor likely to ever be met. There is nothing to be grateful for in that scenario.)