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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ok im getting seriously fed up.

29 replies

JazleEd · 12/09/2012 08:43

I can't be bothered to explain the previous problems as you'll be here all day and night. My boyfriend is the problem, but I want things to go back to normal, this shit has been going on for too long. Whenever I want to talk about a serious matter or im upset about something and I approach him and he says either "I dont want to hear it, ive heard it all before" "shut up, im not going to listen" or "theres the door, leave then". I think its his way of getting me to shut up, if he really wants me gone id be gone by now. but the problem is still there, so i cowardly sit there quietly and wanting to cry when im now thinking that i should stand my ground and put him in his place and hopefully he'll sort himself out.
He treats me like a bank, as i see anyway, because it was the same with his parents (which we still live with) if he needs money for anything, he'll ask but wont return the money when he can. Or he'll say "get me this" and pass over a item and then walk away. No please. No thank you. Again as he was like this with his parents. If that was my parents, id have to pay it back when i can, and i dont get everything i ask for. Which is completely fair!
I get no affection what so ever, no hug, no kiss, no holding hands, no saying I love you. If i try he sometimes pushes me away, when hes in a bad mood or needs to go to the toilet or something. But I neeeeeed affection. Again his parents have never shown it so im guessing he got it from them. But then again my parents show affection so I got it from them.
I understand alot has happened, and it may take some time to get back to normal or may not even get better, but I want to try things out because I want the old boyfriend back. Hes only been this down since he lost his job in Feb 2012. And when i was down, he constantly bugged me until i got better, and i wanna do the same for him. But when you bug him when hes annoyed he gets worse so you have to just leave him.
I treat people how I want to be treated, so with him, I buy a little treats now and then to make him feel better, leave little love or cheeky notes around, make him some nice tea so its ready when he comes back from college. Full body massages. All sorts. Once again ... I get nothing back, no sweet notes, no treats, no massages.
Oh and he does this thing where if a argument has happened, yes lifes to short to dwell on things, but he just forgets it and move on like nothing happened, no apoligises, again! His whole family does it. Whereas if it was my family, there would be apoligies and a hug.
I think theres some ways to sort this. 1. Leave (but I dont wanna think about that yet). 2. Put my foot down. 3. do what my friend said, stay as positive as possible, if you say hello in a nice way, and he snaps back, dont let it get to you, ignore it and stay happy, he may cheer up and come talk to you. Each time it'll get better and easier.

He was nothing like this before that why im hoping it'll get better if I say/show the problem. Instead of hoping he'll think the same as me. He doesnt realise its a problem. Sorry about the essay!!.

OP posts:
olgaga · 12/09/2012 08:50

Please don't make the mistake of thinking you can change this man. You won't. You sound young, leave now or live to regret it. Being on your own is far better than being a doormat.

He bugged you while you were down and because you love him you listened to him.

Sorry but it doesn't sound as though he cares for you at all. He'll be gone once he's back on his feet either by getting a job or meeting another woman who will keep him.

Don't wait around for that to happen.

CrackerJackShack · 12/09/2012 08:54

Why are you still with him? It doesn't sound like the relationship is any fun, and you sound young. Move out and move on.

JazleEd · 12/09/2012 08:57

I'm 19 and he's 21. He didnt get anything for mine and my daughters first birthday. I just thought its cos he has no money, but then he can spend money on his car and dog without thinking twice.

OP posts:
JazleEd · 12/09/2012 08:58

I'm with him cos im hoping it'll get better, and cos we have a little one together.

OP posts:
Donkeysdontridebicycles · 12/09/2012 08:59

stay as positive as possible, if you say hello in a nice way, and he snaps back, dont let it get to you, ignore it and stay happy, he may cheer up and come talk to you. Each time it'll get better and easier.

This ^^ will suck your soul away. If he's been treating you like this for 6months and you've put up with it, he figures "Hey, JazleEd doesn't mind, she'll stick around".

You don't mention having a child with him so you're a free agent. Time to call it a day. Walk away and mean it. Or he'll just keep taking.

civilfawlty · 12/09/2012 09:00

Walk away. Seriously.

Donkeysdontridebicycles · 12/09/2012 09:01

Okay sorry xpost there is a child involved, is she his? In fact, sounds like you have 2 children, he's acting like one.

CrackerJackShack · 12/09/2012 09:02

Oh Jeez you poor thing. You are FAR too young to be putting up with this!!!
Do you want your daughter to grow up with a boy for a father who spends money on the dog rather than her? Who treats her mother like an ATM?

Is this the type of guy you'd like your daughter to end up with?

PurplePidjin · 12/09/2012 09:04

He's a twat and you deserve far, far better!

Under no circumstances should you choose option 3. Would you give in to your dd's demands for sweeties? No. So what is she learning when she sees you give in to daddy?

I would do exactly as he says and leave. If he loves you, he'll come crawling back as the man you knew before. But don't hold your breath!

JazleEd · 12/09/2012 09:08

But if I leave I have no where to go, i'll have to get my own place by using benifits and have to scab off of people. And id rather work hard for money.

OP posts:
CrackerJackShack · 12/09/2012 09:12

"3. do what my friend said, stay as positive as possible, if you say hello in a nice way, and he snaps back, dont let it get to you, ignore it and stay happy, he may cheer up and come talk to you. Each time it'll get better and easier. "

That way lies madness. Don't go that way.

Look, if you were in your 30's or 40's and had a couple of kids and a house and lots of financial obligations and had been together 12 or 15 years and he suddenly started acting like this, I'd say, go for option 2.

But you aren't. You are 19. You have your entire life ahead of you and the best years of your life ahead of you. You aren't financially tied to this guy. You are in an excellent position to walk away and meet a guy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

From my experience, at 19, you are entering the stage of your life where you are going to grow up, learn who you really are and pursue your career.

At 21 he's going through his teenage years all over again and probably will until he's about 27 (if not later).

Don't waste your good years!

CrackerJackShack · 12/09/2012 09:13

"But if I leave I have no where to go, i'll have to get my own place by using benifits and have to scab off of people. And id rather work hard for money."

You wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last. As long as you set the goal that you don't want to stay on benefits for ever and you're going to do what you can to improve you and your DD's life, than you are using benefits for what they're meant to be used for (a safety net) and there's NO shame in that.

PurplePidjin · 12/09/2012 09:14

That's why we're fortunate enough to have a benefits system. Claiming what you're entitled to isn't scabbing, and you will be working - to raise your daughter!

Thistledew · 12/09/2012 09:15

Well then your options are:

  1. Leave now and claim what benefits you need until you can get yourself on your feet.

  2. Make a plan to leave in 6 months time and work hard in the mean time to put in place arrangements so that you can live independently without relying on benefits.

  3. Put up with a man who is not pleasant to you and let your daughter grow up with an unhappy mother and expecting men to treat her badly in turn.

There is no option 4 with regards to changing your P. There is nothing you can do to change him if he is not putting in the work to change himself. You could tell him that you want him to go to counselling with you but unless he is prepared to accept that his behaviour is causing problems in your relationship, nothing is going to change.

MorrisZapp · 12/09/2012 09:16

You can't stay with this guy just because the accommodation is convenient. You need to leave.

Your family sound caring, could they help you with finding somewhere to live?

I spent years of my life trying to change myself to get grumpy boyfriends to cheer up. It never, ever works. Patience is not a virtue in this case. He won't change - why would he?

Please leave this soul destroying relationship.

JazleEd · 12/09/2012 09:20

I wish I had a friend to talk to now, ive never cried this much.

OP posts:
CrackerJackShack · 12/09/2012 09:23

I know its hard. I was in a very similar position at your age (although I didn't have a DD to worry about or I would have left him sooner) with a mooch and a generally all round douchebag of an ex-fiancee. He ended up leaving me for another girl (who earned more money).

It is honestly one of the hardest things you will ever do, but after everything's calmed down, it's also one of the most empowering and rewarding things you will ever do!

Pickles77 · 12/09/2012 09:24

In all seriousness is this my ex???
I have no advice as I still love my ex but I just wanted to tell you I know how you feel, you can't change the emotionless bit. It's awful having to ask for a cuddle

olgaga · 12/09/2012 09:27

So you have a child with this man.

Do you have any kind of back-up plan? Can you go back to parents? Or could they help you get on your feet by putting up a deposit to rent a place yourself?

Do you really want your daughter to grow up in this kind of atmosphere?

I'd give him a couple of weeks to find a job and buck his ideas up but really you have to think about the best interests of yourself and your daughter.

JazleEd · 12/09/2012 09:29

I have to ask for a cuddle to. But then I never get it. Whos ya ex? It may be, then I'll understand that its not me thats the problem its him. Also I think if we didnt have a child this problem would of never showed up.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/09/2012 09:30

You are 19 - you have your whole life ahead of you.

Leave this waste of space and go and make a life for yourself and your daughter.

JazleEd · 12/09/2012 09:34

Hes gone back to college as he cant find a job, my parents wont let me live with them as they already have a house full. Which is fair. Ive got no money what so ever, and im trying to save as many pennies as possible. He only started yesterday so im giving it a while to see if it changes him. But what ever happened to "nothings real but love. No job. No house. No car. Can fight the love"? Thats bullshit, as soon as he lost his job it all went downwards. I havent spoken up, im scared he'll threaten me to leave again. But then i feel its a way of getting me to shutup, and it works.

OP posts:
alienreflux · 12/09/2012 09:42

oh god, this is just the start you know. I know you say you can't think about leaving him yet, and fair enough, but there's no harm in getting some things in place, for when you realize you have to. next time he says 'well leave then' say, very calmly, 'yes, i'm working on it, this is intolerable now, and i'm getting my head and my arrangements around doing just that.' He will either shit himself, or not care, either way you have an answer, listen to it. good luck

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/09/2012 09:42

For goodness sake, get some self respect! Why should you sit around waiting for him to call all the shots and decide whether he will even speak to you or show you any affection?

He clearly doesn't love you, and is just using you because he can't be arsed to do anything else.

Don't wait for him to threaten to leave you - leave him. You will be entitled to benefits, and he will have to pay you maintenance for your DD.

MonkeyRisotto · 12/09/2012 10:02

I would echo what has been said above, he doesn't love you, he shows you no respect, and he is very very unlikely to change.

It will be a lot easier on your daughter if you separate before she is 2-3 years old, as she will not remember the 3 of you living in the same house.