Should I get married - 2 months til wedding

[meercat2010]

I met my husband to be just over two years ago and fell head over heels. We get on 90% of the time and are very happy when it's just us or with my children. The problem is with his children. Actually - it's not the children - but the way he lets them manipulate him (they are 15 and 17). They continually disrupt our lives. I have tried to withdraw a bit to help my sanity and also to agree an approach to certain tricky issues with my partner - but he just caves to give them what they ask for. I have finally got him to agree to counselling - but I'm exhausted and not sure we can get through this. I've already been through a divorce. Do we cancel the wedding? Do we call time on our relationship?

What kind of thing are the asking for? It's hard to advise without knowing what they are doing to manipulate him.

"They continually disrupt our lives." - What exactly do you mean by that?

Example - SD has tendency to wear v skimpy clothes. I was worried about what she would wear to wedding, so I agreed with partner that we would go shopping together (I explained why I was worried). She asked her dad to take her shopping and got v expensive and quite nightclubby outfit to wear - and he bought it for her despite our agreed plan. I just wanted to avoid this. But he wants to spoil her - even though we are on a budget.

Is it selfish for me to want to be the be the centre of his focus on our day?

Where do his dc live? If not with him, what contact does he have with them?

Hmm, difficult one; playing Devil's Advocate, maybe what she wears is up to her?

Disrupt our lives - eg late night emergency pick ups, changing family plans at the last minute, never know if they're eating with us or not, crisis from ex wife etc

they live an hour away and he has them every other weekend (though they often don't want to come)
Am wondering if I just don't understand teenagers?

They sound like teenagers. Normal teenagers. Those are the sort of things that teenagers do. those are the sort of things that YOUR children will do in a few years time.

Sound like normal teenagers to me. Pretty standard stuff.

Yes they can be told 'no', they can have firm rules and boundaries, but on the whole, this is the reality of life with kids.

Re the daughter's outfit - do you actually care about her and what she wears or are you afraid she might ruin your day?

Why do they often not want to come?!

Agree they sound like normal teenagers. I presume that your children are younger?

What makes you think you won't be the centre of his focus on the big day?

I haven't heard anything outside the remit of parenting teenagers tbh. Except for ex-w crises. What are these about?

Presumably they sometimes don't want to come because they have parties etc? tbh a 17 year old is virtually an adult so should really just have relaxed arrangements too hook up with his or her dad

I think you need to put it on hold tbh.

The thing is - you can always do it later, nothing to stop you. But doing it now is going to pile on the pressure when the relationship is already under some stress.

Have you discussed this with him? Would it be relatively easy to postpone?

They sound like normal teenagers - the difficulty is that they are not your kids and you haven't watched them grow up, so it all seems a nightmare to you.

I honestly think that if you cannot embrace this man and his existing family, then yes you should call off the wedding. For his sake.

Does he feel guilty about not being with their mother/guilt about the upcoming wedding/worried they will feel pushed out/left out? For what its worth I don't think you are wrong to want to feel special on your wedding day!

Could it be that your dp thinks ensuring his dd is happy and feels like herself on the day of the wedding then is dressed as you would choose? If you have children then marrying again is an emotional minefield and he should be looking out got them.

If you can't live with his teenagers then you should call off the wedding. Its entirely right that he should put them first.

Apart from the ceremony itself, and a few moments during the reception such as the toast, the cutting of the cake, and the first dance, it's unrealistic to expect that you'll be the centre of your groom's attention for the entire proceedings - and it would be equally unrealisitc for him to expect that he'll be the centre of yours.
.
Particularly in the case of second, third, or more, weddings, the happy couple are usually also the host and hostess and have children/relatives/guests to attend to and photographers/caterers etc to direct on the day.

After you've left the reception or any evening do you may have planned, you'll have time to kick your shoes off and concentrate entirely on each other for the duration of your honeymoon - providing the dc aren't accompanying you.

You mention that you've 'finally' got him to agree to counselling. Is this for you and him, him and his dc, or by way of 'blended family' therapy?

If you're asking for counselling and you're not even married yet, sounds a bit risky. Up to the girl what she wears. I think if one of your considerations for not cancelling the wedding is that you've 'already been through a divorce' then you might want to ask yourself if this is last minute nerves..or if really you are getting married for the wrong reasons, and possibly to the wrong person. It might be either - only you can tell that.

I remember someone saying to me "If you have to ask if you're doing the right thing, then the chances are it's the wrong thing".

I think if you both have been married before then why rush a marriage?

Being a stepmum is very tough so I think you should not go ahead unless you feel you and your dp can deal with issues jointly.
I know what you mean by teen clothes however - At a friends wedding some of the teen girls were in clubbing outfits and they weren't appropriate. I think it's fair to point out that sometimes clothes have to be suitable - interviews, wedding and funerals. I also see why your dp has indulged her - I would have suggested that you and her had a look for suitable outfits (rather than your dp) as you may have jointly found something. I have similar issues with teen girls so I know the negotiations you have to go through!

The other stuff is usual teens ..parents often think toddlers are hard work but teens can be just as demanding. I'm often up much, much later than I would like to ensure my teen has a social life. I think it's fair that your dp does this - he really doesn't want to give up time with his dc's.

Well, I think from your OP title, I don't think you should.... You obviously have doubts.

The SC will obviously do anything to draw attention to themselves, yes, I know teens are hard work - mine is 21 now - but there have to be boundaries.

Putting off a wedding for a few years - they'll be leading their own lives soon enough - is better than regretting it down the line.

In the meantime, you can deal with the family dynamics.

It will also show you are not a pushover.

Nothing you have written backs up your claim he lets them manipulate him (they are 15 and 17). They continually disrupt our lives

It sounds like normal teens (egocentric, chaotic social lives)

So perhaps you shouldn't marry not because they are awful, but because you're not ready to cope with teens? That's not meant as a slur btw. Your own teens are tough enough to endure let alone anyone else's!!

thanks everyone - has helped me to see that I have unrealistic expectations and that if our relationship is to work - i need to relax a bit and be more accepting