after adultery - when do we stop checking?

[MOSagain]

If ever?
Just over two months down the line from finding out about DH's adultery which had finished before I found out about it. Also found out about another 'inappropriate' online friendship.
Bearing this in mind, clearly I have trust issues and am constantly fighting the urge to check his phone, emails etc.

I worked myself up into such a state over the weekend when I found a number on his phone (when going to call DD back who had called us so he knew I had phone). He had had a missed call and then returned the call the week before when we were away, just the 2 of us for a night in a lovely hotel, first time alone in almost 6 years. I got myself into a state thinking he had called someone (a woman) whilst I was in the bath before we went out for lovely meal. Turns out that the missed and returned call was a male counsellor that he has agreed to see as one of the conditions on me letting him back.

I also checked out a few other numbers yesterday one of which was a car garage and two others were men.

How do you stop yourself doing this? Logically I know that if he is up to his old tricks again he won't be stupid enough to use that phone or will clear his history but.............................

How do we stop the past making us so ill?

This is such a tough one. I have been there and still haven't found the answer but I will tell you how I deal with it the best I can.

One thing I do know is I am the only one who can control how I feel about it all. When I am feeling strong enough I refuse to read into things, check texts, emails etc to the point that I actually asked my partner to change his passwords and not give it to me to stop me being tempted. However, when I am hormonal and ultra sensitive all this goes out of the window so I try to make sure I am very occupied with social activities around these times - ie keep my mind off things.

I don't know if this would help you but I do feel better most of the time by being in blissful ignorance as it is all too easy to make something out of nothing if you are in that frame of mind. Let's face it, by checking we don't stop them doing anything-if they are going to they will anyway and we make ourselves ill in the meantime.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do anyway - I will be watching this thread for tips myself!!

I think the thing for me was the fact that my DH had a secret, PAG phone therefore it was pointless me checking up on him as, if someone is determine to cheat they will find the means. I was hypervigilent for a long time and he understood this so took the time to reassure me on everything, telling me where he was going and when he would be back, getting rid of all social media, secret email a/cs, phones etc but, there again, he could always get new ones.

I also worked on myself so what he was doing wasn't foremost in my mind, took up a new hobby etc. I also know if he was to up and leave again, that I wouldn't fall apart like last time and DH knows that he will not get a second chance, he knows exactly what he will lose if he does. We both learnt a lot about ourselves from his infidelity and it is not a path either of us wants to walk again.

I'm with counting, I don't check, as there is no point. It's up to him, and he knows the stakes are high as there will be no second chances from me.

I'm 6 months down the line and it's been a hell of a journey. I've stopped checking dp's phone and emails but will log into his fb account occasionally. He reassures me time and time again as I still have lots of moments when I wonder why I'm still with him.

I need to build up my self esteem and I think eventually even checking fb will stop. I also need to stop coming on here so often, I find comfort in hearing of others who have been through this and come through the other side but there are of course others who think we're mad for staying with our partners.

It's just going to take time x

Yes and no second chances here either, been a real eye opener.

He's done it a couple of times though hasn't he OP and that sounds like he has form for this type of thing.

As for "you" having trust issues, you don't sweetheart, "he" broke your trust. That's entirely different.

So the answer I guess is when he makes you feel as if you can trust him again, if ever.

It's also only early doors here isn't it.

what is he doing to help you recover?

Did he address why he chose to have an affair instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling etc?

Has he done any work on resolving his personal issues and character flaws that led to his affair?

Did he go to counselling?

Did he do any reading?

Is he willing to answer all your questions over and over again?

Does he volunteer any information about what happened?

Is there total transparency with regards to his mobile/email etc?

Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate it. Sorry have taken a while to get back here, have been frantically preparing for DC4 starting nursery tomorrow.

He has 'only' committed adultery with one OW which was on two occasions over 2 years ago but carried on an online/FB relationship with her and another women he'd had a relationship with before we married but I do know he has not seen her since we married.

Although at first he showed no remorse or guilt, only anger at himself for getting found out, he has changed over the past two months.
He has attended couples counselling and has agreed to go to see a male counsellor on his own in an attempt to try to work out why he has done this. Initially he came out with all sorts of bullshit, we were going through a bad patch (we weren't and he now accepts this), he needed his space, I was nagging (now accepts I wasn't) and all sorts of other crap but finally, he acknowledged that he thought he did it to feel better about himself/to proof he could still 'do it'.

He has been very patient and answered all my questions, even at 3am. He is willing to go back to couples counselling again even though he hates it but I think it would be better for him to go and see his counsellor a few more times first. Seemingly his counsellor implied that he hadn't let go of the fact that he is no longer single!

He has volunteered (although not happy to do it as he got very upset at being reminded what he had done and was clearly very ashamed) full information about what he did and clearly is now showing remorse.

He has not done any reading but to be honest, is not really much of a reader so I wouldn't expect him to.

I think we need time. Time for him to realise what a complete and utter selfish fuckwit he has been and how close he has come to losing everything. I also need time. Time to learn to trust him again and to find me again. I've signed up for two adult education classes and will be pretty busy with school/PTA stuff. I'm also hoping to get back to work in the very near future (ironically as a family lawyer) so am going to, for the first time in 7 years, put myself first. I have also made it very very clear that if he ever steps out of line again that will be it, no more chances.

Thanks again for your helpful comments. Hopefully we can help each other through this.

MOS, your h sounds like a personality replica of mine, in his reactions.
I am 10 months on, and dont check, although every now and again I do feel tempted. I am also a bit 'lazy' about it, by which I mean I have five minutes of temptation, resist it, and then think 'i cant be arsed, anyway'.

Definitely mine would cover his tracks better if he did it again, he did so pretty brilliantly last time, you may remember,a dn it took me 5 years of online this and that for me to get to the bottom of it.

So Ive given this issue a lot of thought. The thing is, last time I did know, at some deep level, I just couldnt prove it. My suspicions were there and never subsided fully. I fought myself to deny this unproveable knowledge.

And since I did find out, I have done a great deal of thinking and reading, and I am also more alert to protecting myself generally within the relationship.

So I think I would know if he did it again, because I did at some level last time, and I would see the more general signs of not being treated as well as is fair.

And I have no doubt in my mind that if he did, or I felt suspicious and miserable again, I would end it. I cant ever live like that again.

You know what I mean?

I didnt see this at two months after, though, which was a truly shitty time, I seem to remember. I am really sorry.

fiventhree you are so right, I think we would know. Deep down, I think I'd known that something had gone on. I'd had a feeling the last year or so and he was treating me differently. It seems (from what our counsellor has said and what we've discussed) that he was emotionally withdrawn from me, lack of interest etc and that was almost certainly down to the guilt he was hiding. Even though the physical element of his affair was long over, he was still hiding the guilt and was scared I'd find out. I had a gut feeling for at least the last 8 months that something had happened but honestly thought it was limited to internet/FB flirting. I was competely shell shocked when he admitted he'd slept with this other woman.

I think I will know if he is up to it again. He knows that there will be no second chances and he will lose everything. I have everything in place so I am ready to go straight to court and issue divorce proceedings, no more chances, conversations etc. Straight to court.

I've sort of felt the last few months have been a state of limbo. I didn't want to do anything until kids settled back at school. I signed up for a new evening class last night and am looking forward to getting out and meeting new people.

I've also decided to make tonights counselling session the last one for the time being. I've been going alone for 3 weeks and don't think I'm gaining anything. In fact, I feel I'm more negative after I've seen her. I think all the discussions about it is dragging it to the surface and I need to let it rest, at least for a while.

I'm going to find ME and if he doesn't like it he can fuck off. I'm feeling stronger now.

Thank you everyone who has commented on this and other threads over the past few months, you have really helped me x

I agree too that if my DH cheats again I would know from listening to my gut instincts and watching out for red flags including the distancing you have mentioned.

Good luck OP.

Hi MOS, if it is any help, your need to check is normal and if he 'gets it' he knows he has lost your trust, doesn't deserve to be trusted and needs to be fully open and accountable.

Although I have to admit: from what you write I like the cut of his jib! He sounds like he values you, is facing up to himself, is prepared to hear and admit to you, some not so flattering information about himself and share that with you. That all adds up to a worthwhile man who made a mistake but is prepared to look at himself and grow up - a keeper.

I don't check, because my heart has been so broken that nobody can ever cause me that kind of pain again. He is a free spirit and he can do what he likes. (My H does go to IC, but spends the time complaining about me and the rest of the time deeply sulking and withdrawn because his marriage (possession) has [mysteriously just happened to] broken down).

Which attitude, is kind of worse, much worse, than yours. Yours shows a connection, and an investment in him. He should, paradoxically, be grateful! (and give you ALL the information you need, freely)

MOS dp has been exactly the same as your dh, he's shown remorse and has been very patient. I'm riding the waves at the moment, up and down still. I can go a few days, think about it but not dwell on it but then something will start eating away at me again and I need to question dp about it, I want to go beyond that, I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I still feel so sad at the person I thought he was and that I've lost him and that comfortable feeling of being with someone for over 17 years.

I'm hoping it's just time which will bring me a sense of peace again

looksgood that is what happens to me, the something eating away at me. I know, well am pretty sure, he won't be stupid enough to do it again but still......

Yes, I'm hoping its time that is a healer, hope so for all of us x

I was once in the position with Ex and took him back after 6 month separation during which time he had f*ed his way around the small town we live in and been callously indifferent to my feelings. I found it really difficult at first to trust him again; the fact that he had slept with and been intimate with other women was difficult to handle and eventually my mother told me 'you took him back, accepting the things he had done. It will not help your relationship if you throw it in his face every time there is a row. You need to acknowledge that this is in the past and draw a line under it and simply trust him that he will not do it again. Do not keep checking his phone, asking him questions, wanting all the details. It's done. You need to acknowledge to yourself how sad you are at his behaviour and then move on. If he does it again then be prepared to end the marriage'. It felt like wise words at the time and I tried to live by them. I don't know if this helps anyone else. My marriage eventually broke up, but not through him cheating again.

Must be very hard, OP.

I left XW after an affair, and eventually settled with OW, now DW.

I have no idea why DW trusts me with her friends/family saying things like.

"Oh, he married his mistress; he's created a job vacancy".

I've never strayed in over a decade since my marriage ended. I hope he had a wakeup call, and that it's all over. Just draw a line under it, and good luck.

more helpful comments, thank you.

onemorechap good to hear from a man on here. How stupid your DW's friends and family are with comments like that. People simply don't think sometimes. So many of my friends have said they'd never have taken their DH back if he'd done what mine had done. I know they mean well but I think until you are actually in that awful position you just don't know. I hope you are right, I hope he has had a wakeup call.

I stopped checking the day I decided to divorce him.

IME you never stop checking. Not even with a new husband...

If you are constantly spying on him i doubt it will end well? Perhaps you should see the counsellor together?

We did see a counsellor together Novack, for nearly 5 months. His adultery however only came out towards the end and after a few more sessions it became clear that counselling jointly was not working. Hence him going to see his own (male) counsellor to try to get to the bottom of why he felt the need to do what he did.

I hardly think checking a phone occasionally constitutes spying. I'm guessing you have no experience of this?

Checking someones phone or mail is spying and controlling behavior.

hardly controlling is it now?

No, it's not OP. The man should at the very least be a total open book for you.

Take no notice, MOS. Its pure spitefulness on her or his part. No doubt they have a reason (!)