after adultery - when do we stop checking?

[MOSagain]

If ever?
Just over two months down the line from finding out about DH's adultery which had finished before I found out about it. Also found out about another 'inappropriate' online friendship.
Bearing this in mind, clearly I have trust issues and am constantly fighting the urge to check his phone, emails etc.

I worked myself up into such a state over the weekend when I found a number on his phone (when going to call DD back who had called us so he knew I had phone). He had had a missed call and then returned the call the week before when we were away, just the 2 of us for a night in a lovely hotel, first time alone in almost 6 years. I got myself into a state thinking he had called someone (a woman) whilst I was in the bath before we went out for lovely meal. Turns out that the missed and returned call was a male counsellor that he has agreed to see as one of the conditions on me letting him back.

I also checked out a few other numbers yesterday one of which was a car garage and two others were men.

How do you stop yourself doing this? Logically I know that if he is up to his old tricks again he won't be stupid enough to use that phone or will clear his history but.............................

How do we stop the past making us so ill?

Maybe you'd like to expand a bit with your name as in NovaksNogood

Whether you accept it or not reading someone else's mail or SMS is spying. And when the only way you can keep someone is by spying and controlling their behavior on them then it's only fair on them to let them go and move on with your life. He is not your chattel and neither you his.

People who listen at doors rarely hear anything good about themselves.

It's not that simple Novak.Wish it was.I never once looked at my DHs phone, mail,emails etc. in almost 30 years together.Not once.
But in the wake of him having a texting /sexting relationship with someone from work,discovered by HER DH looking I became obsessed with his phone and for several months / almost a year MOS I would pick it up and look at messages and calls.My DH knew and accepted it as a consequence of him abusing my previous complete trust in him.For a time that phone seemed like the most destructive little object in the world.He even got a new one and new number because he understood how the misuse of it had damaged our marriage almost totally.
We recovered.And without going into details something in me just snapped one day and I told him I would never look again.Ever.Pointless really as he could have had a second phone,deleted or covered his tracks if he wanted to.Far more tech savvy than me.Just reached a point where I had to trust again or leave him.Told him only he would know if his behaviour was inappropriate or likely to hurt me.It was up to him to police his behaviour, not me IYSWIM.
I was never a controlling person,and am not now but for several crazy,upset months my behaviour changed and that was his fault .He gets that.Two months is nothing in recovery terms MOS.Hope he can make the huge effort required to rebuild your trust and make sure he never hurts you again.Mine did and for that reason we are together and putting it firmly behind us at last.But it doesn't happen overnight sadly.

Jealousy is only every going to hurt yourself so no point to it. As for blaming someone else for your own behavior...meh. It's up to you not someone else.

Novak, have you ever been in this position?