It's my first wedding anniversary and I am getting slightly drunk on my own and then doing the cleaning.

[Newlysingleandstuck]

I always say ex-h walked out on us in April as I didn't end the marriage, he did, so I don't think I should take the social blame, but actually he didn't. He decided to beat dd up because she wouldn't brush her teeth, and so dd and I had to move out, get an occupation order, and eventually move back in and he moved out.

I have carried on being me, hardly any of my friends even know that we are separated, it is on a need-to-know basis. He keeps telling me that when I "change my ways" and become a better person he will move back in. I told him to go away.

However, a tiny bit of me is really sad that he has not even bothered to recognise that today would be (or technically still is as we are not divorced) our first wedding anniversary. Have spent all day telling myself I'm not bothered, yet still knocking everything in sight over, dropping everything, accidentally breaking stuff, burning dinner etc. I bloody hate him right now, but don't know how to manage financially in the family home, but he is refusing to sell. I'm really sad, but have no-one to talk to.

Bugger the housework, come natter here instead, and may I be the first to congratulate you on ditching such a tosser.

Others will be along to help you with the practical side.

I'm sorry to hear what a terrible time you and your dd have been through.

Could CAB offer some advice about your financial situation?

Leave the cleaning now though. Have a glass of wine to celebrate or commiserate, whichever seems most suitable.

Xxx

That's really really shite, but sends like you have been very strong to get rid of him. Cannot believe he hit a child.

I can totally nderstand why today will be hard, but try to look at the positives and remember that you have done an amazing thing - removed this animal from your home.

The fact he is suggesting that you change your ways hopefully helps you consolidate your decision.

But hey, it's still hard. Thinking of you x

I am out of wine! ! I knew I shouldn't have used it for cooking, it was far too good!!! I do however have a bottle of champers (ironically left over from the wedding!). Would that be Bad? It really would, but I really fancy just one more glass! I could hand some round and then wouldn't feel so bad -

Tell your friends and family. It makes it real. Why protect him?

Drink the champers :)

You should be celebrating the strength you had to leave when you did and not 5 years down the line when every bit of yourself would have been destroyed by his utter twatishness.

Call your friends and tell them you need some support. You have had a terrible time I would hate any of my friends to be where you are now. They will help you and give you strength to work out the practical stuff.

You will cope and your life will be better finances have a way of working out in the end. Your daughter will thank you for leaving a man who beat her up.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Huge hugs xxx

Open the champagne and toast the first day of the rest of your life. If you don;t finish the bottle put it in the fridge with a teaspoon in (handle down the neck) it keeps it fizzy.

I think it was the shock of him not even acknowledging today that has really made me see what a total idiot he is, and has made me move on a bit. I kept thinking that I was imagining it all as there were so many little things that all added up to a horrid relationship, that on their own they looked insignificant (bar punching dd!) like "forgetting" that I had hockey training/a match and then not answering his phone if I rang to remind him so that I let the team down, hiding the drill chuck so that I couldn't quickly do the little jobs he had been putting off for over two years etc. The minute it was something in his interest he was off like a shot!

Oh and definitely tell everyone whu he has gone. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

If he refuses to sell, he should pay for it, or buy it off you.

So sorry, by the way. :(

You should start telling people, though.
It's cheaper than counselling. :)

Drink the champagne and finish it off. Call a friend while drinking it. as Erik said make it real. xx

Drink the bubbly and toast yourself for putting your dd first. Life is only going to get better for you both so you have lots to celebrate.

Hardly catch of the century was he? Drink your fizz and put your feet up. Why on earth would you want this charmer to acknowledge your anniversary?

I think I remember your thread from before?

I know you're feeling sad. I recently had my first wedding anniversary, a month-and-a-half after I'd walked out on my abusive husband (we're working on things, it's going ). I was taken aback at how hard a day it was for me. Give yourself the day off, drink the champagne, and toast yourself. You've done a wonderful thing for yourself and DD by leaving. And you've given your DD a whole avenue of choices that she may not have had if you'd stayed and she thought that was how relationships worked. It's not a happy feeling that you have at being away from him, but it's better than the one you'd have if you were still there.

I have champers, minstrels and 5, oh no, wait, I have eaten 4 so 1, Galaxy Cake bar. I also have the "all the ladies, independent, throw your hands up at me-eeee!" song in my head. That looks SO lame now I have typed it, ha! Will snuggle up and knit something nice for dd and watch Parades End, I haven't seen this week's. That is a good plan for the rest of the evening I think!

Drink the champagne and congratulate yourself on getting out than sticking with a lifetime of this shit.

It shouldn't have turned out this way, but I'm guessing that behaviour wasn't exactly out of the blue. What are the odds without this vile incident, you'd have been swapping cards and a paper based gift, all lovingly?

I'm so sorry you're going through this x

I know exactly what you mean OP.

On my first wedding anniversary my H and I were living separately in the same house. We were 'working on our relationship' after he had behaved like a total twunt towards me and saw fit to join a NSA website.

I wasn't sure what we would do on our anniversary (because of the circumstances) but I bought him a present and organised my mum to come and stay so she could babysit. I asked him what he would like to do on the evening of our anniversary. He said he wanted to stay in and watch the football by himself.

I didn't really feel much like 'working on our relationship' after that. Not long afterwards i decided to call it a day.

You had a lucky escape by the sounds of it OP. and you protected your DC from further abuse. You should be celebrating...

And remember...now you've been married a year you can legally divorce him for unreasonable behaviour

How old is your DD?

Am so glad everyone is seconding the champers, despite it being a school night!!

Pony, you are so right. I am so sorry that the same has happened to you, but if there is something I have learnt it is that you cannot change them, they NEED someone to domineer and manipulate, so no wonder counselling is a bit iffy. I have an amazing friend who found out accidentally (dd told her) and she is really clued up on this kind of thing. She went around the house after he had left and showed me all sorts of behaviours I hadn't even clicked, which made the behaviour that I saw as odd seem really domineering (which they were).

That thread went awfully wrong, but it gave me a lot of strength before it wobbled! Dd has thrived since then, it is so great to have my daughter back again instead of the child stuck in the middle of That Relationship. She is getting counselling at school, which is great, as she is so together about the whole thing, and I have concentrated really hard on showing her that no woman needs a man in her life, she should want him there, and as a result he should behave appropriately, and I think it has made its mark.

I had forgotten about the divorce bit, hurrah!!!! I just want to get out of here and move in to our own, minimal cleaning, place (and get rid of all his STUFF! He is a hideous hoarder, whereas I am not, and it infuriates me, but as he is only renting a room he can't store it all (and the toys from his childhood came in useful before he was a twunt. Now I can't bear Dd to touch them! I've put most of it in the shed, but might drive it all over to his Mum's soon).

Dd is 8, and I was single until she was 5, so she has only "lost" three years to my stupidity (although I wish I could claw every second back!). I am so sorry that others are going through, and have been through, the same thing. I wish these relationships were few and far between but sadly I don't think that they are.

I know this happens to men too, but it infuriates me that because women process emotions and care about the family, and are not as self-motivated as men that makes them the weaker and more vulnerable sex, grrr hiss boo!!

Newly - congratulations for getting rid of such an unpleasant man. You have my respect for being so strong and protecting your daughter who knows that she is more important to you than a bullying violent failure. If you have the personality resources to make such powerful decisions I firmly believe that you wont feel like you're stuck for very long.

and [chocolate cake] x

Yes I seem to remember that you got quite a hard time on your thread. Glad you and your DD are in a much better place now, if not physically. I'd definitely take his stuff to his mum's, might make you feel better about being where you are and making it just your own space.

Mytime, you are so lovely. Once I am emotionally strong enough I think I am going to try and volunteer for Women's Aid, as there are so many times where, if I didn't have my friends as such an amazing support, I would have gone back to him and been in so much more "trouble" for leaving, and dd for aiding and abetting. I am so scared for the women who do go back, as they are not doing it out of real choice, and I want to make sure that they can be as strong as I was, which you cannot do without the right support.

I think my main problem with the house is that we both own some of it, so I will never be free of him until it is sold. He gets a say in every decision, and as he never did anything (but told me again and again before we moved in how amazing he was at handiwork) the do-er upper that we bought still needs work before it can be sold. I have nearly finished now, I just have to tile the kitchen, but it has been soul destroying removing things by myself in very dangerous positions, getting injured a number of times, pouring my very scant money into the bits that need to be purchased in order to have working plumbing, learning to plaster etc, only for him to come and "survey" the work and tell me how crap it is. He is a single man with a 40 hour a week job, I am a single mum doing a supposedly 40 hour a week (but in reality 12 hour a day) job, of course it is going to be crap! Grr! Must stop now and watch something fuzzy and sickening as I am feeling boiling anger again!!!