struggling to understand and cope

[entertumbleweed]

I posted last week as had just found out my partner of 3 years was meeting anonymous men from gay hook up sites. I haven't seen him since though we have spoken via email and on the phone.

At times I wonder if I could get past it but I think it's just my brain trying to cope. I made him describe what they did which was a mistake as I am not plagued with images that really feel like a physical punch to the gut.

Also, finding it hard not having him around and chatting every day. I have lots of friends but noone knows what to say, this is a new one for us all.

Dunno what I want, I guess some advice to getting through it and some reassurance I'm doing, and going to be, ok.

Will be 40 soon, no kids and another failed relationship, today its hard to see the point.... Anyone going through anything similar?

now not not

Hugs for you tumble

You sound like you're erring on the side of getting back together. Is that what you both want?

Given the strength of your reaction (perfectly normal), then I don't think there is any going back. The breach of trust is massive. For me it would be a case of drawing a line under it and moving forward for myself. Get a new hair style (always good for the soul) and think about all the things you would like to do / achieve in life and how to achieve them on a practical level. You will feel better and it will take your mind off him, and feeling happier will help you when you're ready to find a new man. Don't put pressure on yourself, just see where life goes.

Its what he seems to desperately want - I am erring on breaking up.... So hard...

Sweetheart life is for living.

Who knows what is around the corner? You could meet someone new tomoro and have a baby thistime next year. Your life is not over and you have not done anything wrong.

The man lied to you and cheated. He has issues but they are not your issues. You had a lucky exscape. If you had a child with him what type of Father would he be? You would have to share a child with him forever.

Now you are free to fall in love with someone that deserves you and the childern you will have in the future.

My sister had her 49th birthday this week and is celeabrating it wit her twin 18 month old sons.

It hurts now i know but you will get over it and life will get better. At lest you know what a twat is and will apprsiate the man you are destined to be with more

Be true to yourself xx

It's a very personal choice.

For me, I wouldn't get back together as IMO it's not just cheating, it's a completely different way of life. Being with a man is different to being with a woman.

Though I can accept there is bi sexual people and I am in no means narrow minded, why should you compromise your happiness?

Would you be able to trust that he won't do it again? or accept that he would carry on with men?

Very complicated situation and very personal choices to make.

What pain you feel now will ease whether you get back together or not. Good luck

Thank you, I don't think it is something I can get passed but till this time last week I thought I had it made and its hard to let go!

Would you want a child with this man?

How would you explain his actions to your adult child?

What if he meet a man that became his boyfriend?

Do you want a life working all this out and still not trusting him 100%?

Is he worth it?

Poor you, you're still in shock. Don't make any rush decisions.

It will be something you get pass, you're in shock. Your world has been turned upside down by someone who is selfish enough to not be honest with you.

You are not to blame. You should not be the one suffering. You need some time, space and support.

entertumbleweed This is all so new and fresh I am not surprised you don't know what to do with yourself. It's all still happening. It's not over so you can sit back and get a handle on it and I think you have to recognise this and

My situation is both similar (I'm 38, 'another' failed relationship) and v different - my bf of only a few months bloody beat me up two weeks ago and I'm still cautiously awaiting my major meltdown. It was obviously a case of instant dismissal but I find myself wondering if we could reconcile and I could forgive... Then of course I have to give myself a metaphorical slap (instead of a real one, like he did) and remember that while the bruises are fading all the other shit remains.

I made myself cry the other day saying something lovely to another poster on here. It came straight from my heart and she thanked me and I wanted to howl and howl as there's so much in there that wants to come out and be free But I know the bottom line is that, as BoysBoysBoysAndMe says - I need time, space and support and I'll be OK.

Making a decision will help you start processing all the hurt and confusion. You two haven't broken up? You can't feel better until you take charge of your destiny!

can't sit back

I think you have to recognise this and and step back and slow down

Sorry, didn't preview post 1st

Yes we've broken up but he's begging via text and email. I havent seen him since last week.

Tzella - it is good to hear that it is not toally irrational to wonder about reconciling in quite impossible circumstances. Do you have kids and does that influence things.

One thing I have been shocked at is the sheer number or married or cohabiting men who are on these sites. Whether they would go through with hook ups who knows but they are certainly going down this path.

Well, it is irrational but it happens and most people should secretly know appreciate that. It's easy to say "Leave and stop caring!" to someone on the internet but of course in real life it's almost impossible to turn the feelings off like a tap.

No dcs here. It was only a 4 month relationship so I shouldn't give a shit, right?

I have a Gay Best Friend and he uses grindr. The things that go on :o but he's a gay man, not in an LTR with a woman and cheating. I easily believe that there are many many people in that situation though. There's something to be said about people feeling they have to live a lie and that being a shame but... it can spread hurt all around when people aren't honest.

Can you/will you tell him it is OVER and not to contact you? Will that make him stop? I called the police and my problem went away. Doesn't mean I don't regret it slightly

I guess I am frightened to tell him to stop as I've had so many questions. I know I need to do this. It's scary to accept that this is it. Such a shock from what I thought was an excellent relationship to all of this. It is easy to say that you would behave in a certain way isnt it. But when the situation comes round feelings don't just disappear. Yeah, the site he was on was like Grindr.

arrgghhhhh....

What questions do you have? Is it a long drawn out wail of "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy did you do this?!!11!!!" or specific things? You already said you didn't like the answers to the specific things

If it really is the questions that are preventing you from stopping this then maybe have a proper ponder over what you want to ask and why - this is good as it can be something you can discuss with your friends? and make it easier to process?

Best of luck! Everything's shit sometimes, isn't it, but we keep on keeping on

Bit of everything - guess I am just building up to the final email/phone call in the next day or so.

Yeah, can be shit at times, then it's ok again!

I don't think anyone, incuding him, can give me answers that will make me feel better. I hope in time the need to know to know why, when, where and how will lesson. Just going to be a tough few weeks and months getting there eh?!

I'm a bit reluctant to talk over with friends too much as noone really knows what to say.

When you're going through hell, keep going!

It's tough today, it makes me feel physically sick... Trying to take a day at a time but a day seems like ages. Been to docs got a week of sleeping tablets. Couldn't book std test till october so need to go to drop in which could be a couple hours wait.

You're making positive steps tumble. You're doing the right things.

Has he not been in contact? Have you made a decision about a reconciliation?

Do you know, I've had a few different situations in my life when answers to my questions will never be answered. And if you don't get the answers you feel you need, I promise you that it does get easier with time.

I know that doesn't help you now.

Take your sleeping tablets and get some rest. You'll feel a little better once your head and body has switched off for a bit.

Let us know how Ou get on x

YOu see it's easy to say "don't contact him" but harder to do because the OP still loves this man.

I totally absolutely feel your pain OP. I had my heart broken 7 weeks ago (I'm still counting days ) although not quite in this way, and it's absolutely gutting. The pain floors you.

But I promise you that you will slowly slowly start to feel a tiny bit better each day. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Find a way to cope hour by hour and you will get there. I promise

(((((tumble)))))

I haven't seen him but we have spoken on the phone and via text/email. I've made rushed decisions before then gone back on them so even though I feel quite definite I was going to give myself a week or so. Most people know we have broken up though not many have been told the reason (none by him). I have asked many questions and maybe shouldnt have done because now I know how the whole hook up thing works more than I'd ever want to.

Here is the sort of email/message I get: -

'Just got home. Sorry for phoning but it hit me quite bad seeing all my stuff. Things are awful and I can't imagine how awful they are for you. I do honestly love you so much and the thought of not being with you is so difficult to take. I know I need to sort things out and get to grips with why I am so destructive and why I can't stand myself so much. I've never loved myself and made everything so complicated and difficult for myself all the time. I know that with counselling I can overcome these demons and wish you would take that chance with me. I know how earth shatteringly difficult that'll be and I would have to be completely transparent with everything I do for a long time but we could be so happy together, I know we could. I would change my whole life for you and would get therapy for as long as was necessary. I'm so sorry for what I did and all the deceit. You are absolutely perfect and I am a good person, I need to sort things out. This is a reason to sort these things out. I could never do anything to hurt you again. I want what you want, a fully monogamous relationship with you.
I know it's so hard to understand and get your head round and it isn't like you can just turn round and say ok. I'm just so sorry. It would be easier in many ways to just walk away but its not what I want for my life. I want you as my only love and to be part of my family.
Again I'm so sorry. Please call me
Love you so much'

I'm thinking - well I could be single and happy or with someone else two years down the road if I cut it now. Or I could be back here with another discovery.

I do love him and it was GREAT until this happened (at least in my eyes) so its such a turn around.

If I am honest part of the motivation for staying in any kind of touch is being able to hurt him more which I guess isn't healthy - but it's like I want to keep a hold over him. Not sure if that is natural or not.

It's just grim picturing it and reading an online review of his dick with little moving anal/oral icons.

Boys and BitOut - thanks for your kind words and understanding - BitOut is your story on here anywhere. I hope you are ok....xx

That message was "Me, me, me me meeeee"

What about you?

You know Katie the first time I read it I thought it was really sincere and heartfelt but when I posted it and read it back I did have that reaction too. So interesting that you say that too.
I've had my share of inner turmoil, stress and drama.... Not sure I can or want to be part of someone elses at this moment in time.

The thing that would get me is, if I was to go back to that man, I'd never feel secure. I certainly couldn't trust him. It sounds like he is trying to deny himself totally in order to be someone else.

Imagine yourself, 10 years down the line (after having endured 10 years of hideous insecurity) for your OH to finally realise THIS IS WHO HE IS. And then what? Where does that leave you and your potential DC?

No. My story is not here. It is so sad. Both of us love each other with all our hearts. But we have to be in different countries for the foreseeable future (for family reasons) and after five of the happiest years of my life with a man who I still adore and who still adores me, we have very reluctantly parted :( It is an absolute killer and we are both in pieces. So hard to let go :(