My negativity driving people away! Help!

[Salbertina]

Am depressed, in therapy, trying to deal with it but quite isolated-overseas, expat spouse, rather toxic mother issue trying, finally, to deal with...things also been tricky with dh for past few months.
Recently back from annual visit to Uk so also unsettled.

So, all in all, am v depressed, not feeling positive about it all and just when I should be "making an effort""being outgoing and positive" to keep/make new friends overseas, I'm withdrawing into my shell, hiding in bed (only place I feel. Safe/warm/comfortable) and avoiding social situations where possible. When I do surface, I can feel m being prickly, defensive and false somehow as I dont feel ican tell it how it is for me because that's "being negative". I have a "friend" and a couple of acquaintances who rather invalidate me or get competitive - wears me down and rather thn bat it away, I internalise and end up seething with resentment.
Get me, what a lovely person I sound!

My question is, how do you cope during episodes like this - when you can't stand yourself, let alone feel confident about inflicting your negativity on others and yet NEED their company in order to stay sane?

Bump

Anyone? Sincerely would appreciate some advice, however blunt..

How do you cope? You get a lot of help. Good, professional help.

You're in therapy, that's a great start. You may want to structure your days so that you gain momentum as this is a good way to get energy flowing and keep pushing forward.

You do very sensible things like eat vegetables, cut out alcohol and get some kind of regular exercise.

they are probably the things you least feel like doing, but they are what will help you to pull through.

In a nutshell you have a choice between wallowing in self loathing and hiding in bed, or getting up and having a crack at the life you do have.

Baby steps at first. Maybe healthy food day one, walk day two. See therapist day three.

Thanks, that's wise. Am trying baby steps, yes. It's more how to be around people while being like this! Hate/bored with myself right now so struggle to do social niceties in normal way. I can when am ok, just not right now

Your OP seems almost garbled. Maybe you need to take a step back a breathe for a moment. You sound like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be positive when that is not how you're feeling.

What is positive in your life, no matter how small? Children, pets a hobby? I'm not telling you to 'look on the bright side' or any of that garbage so much as change your focus a little.

Have you sat your partner down and explained how you feel? It may help.

He knows but is getting rather impatient. Yes there are a couple of positive things but just don't feel that way ATM. Feel I should. So much advice on avoiding negative people around and relatively new here so not secure in deep friendships!

Thanks, good idea about walking in a crowd. Might try tomorrow

I find being an expat actually quite easy to make fair weather fun friends and acquaintances but not the long term deep friendships which can withstand the downs, rather a shallow life

Any more ideas/reactions? Thanks!

Hi, I'm not sure if this will be of any help, but I sometimes feel a bit similar to you (I think, if I've understood correctly - apologies if I haven't).

In recent years I've had some tough times, and felt quite down at times. My instinct at these times is to be quite solitary, but I often feel this makes things even worse. However, when I see friends, I find it awkward because I think if I seem down or am honest about how I'm feeling, I'll put them off and they might not want to see me any more. (I think the saying 'Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone' is very true). However, if I pretend that everything's fine, I find it a real strain (I'm not a very good actress!) and also it feels meaningless - what's the point in being with friends if you have to pretend things are fine when they aren't? I'd hate to think any of my friends were doing that, as I'd want to try and support them when they were down.

I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense or strikes a chord at all, but thought I'd write it just in case. It sounds like things have been difficult for you, so please look after yourself. I think tangerine has some good ideas in her post. Would doing an activity with other people help? (I recently went on a weekend away doing a specific activity, and found I didn't feel so negative as I was focussed on a new activity, and so was everyone else, and it gave us all something to talk about. It was easier than drinks with friends were they might ask how I am, and I then face a dilemma about how to answer).

Sorry, that turned into quite a long reply!

Thanks, Libby for your thoughtful words, no need to apologize, makes perfect sense!
Only slight complication excuse fit me though is i guess that I feel these are short-term and therefore essentially fairly shallow friendships as am overseas so all quite transient. I do feel have "proper" friends but in uk. I did try to open up with 2 friends here- result? One didn't get back to me for 2 weeks, the other just said "yes, well, we've all had a tough few months" not to deny her reality but felt she completely downplayed/ignored mine and it's not a bloody competition...so... Have given up and talk to poor Dh, my therapist and mn
How sad am I!

y y to doing an activity with other people that gets you out and about but with little pressure. Like a (very easy) exercise class - beginner yoga? - so you are alongside others yet not under pressure to make conversation or "be" any particular way. And the activity will boost your mood and energy.

Are you interested in craft at all? I used to go to a mosaic class which was very simple and very enjoyable. I didn't have the motivation to get all the stuff out and home (and clear it away again) but having it in a crate ready to go, and having paid the fee, got me there and it was very soothing to fit colours together to create something lovely. No pressure to chat, but getting fully absorbed in a creative activity is very beneficial mood-wise.

oi! cut the dissing yourself talk for starters!

yy I'm playing but there's a grain of truth in there - it really is such a ba-a-ad idea to say negative things about yourself, especially to yourself! but also not to other people. ime, they take you up on it, believe what you say about yourself. People aren't generally very self-aware I find

So, less of the 'how sad am i?' , 'what a lovely person i sound' . You're not well, give yourself a break. You may have been fabulous company at one stage, and you will be again, but for now you aren't. Big deal - nobody cares anyway, as you've found...

deffo the world laughs/cries etc. I'm going through something very similar and it is astonishing how many people drop off your social radar. I blame all the new age shit stuff that has embedded itself into the western consciousness... They're not going to catch it ffs!

iiwy, stick to the not so deep social contact you have at the mo. imo that is perfect for you with how you're feeling. I think that sometimes things can be so bad that to talk about it actually makes it worse, kind of compounds it? best to leave all that to the therapist/DH (though don't overload him too much...). Are you working? Can you do something on a voluntary basis? It's good to have company within a shared aim eg work, project etc. You focus on what you're doing, not making deep and meaningful relationships.

though do entirely agree about making statements of fact to yourself: re 'today I'm feeling shit' - just a fact. YOu can even look at it from a distance instead of climbing into it iyswim.

I didn't think your OP was garbled at all btw! But probably because I am in a very similar space at the mo.

Dysfunctional- arty class appeals, must admit, will follow up on that

Springy daffs, good to hear it as it is! Yes, provably just need to go w things as they ate, accept the Shallow friendships for what they are and yes, not diss myself! That's a cultural issue here too- English self-deprecation generally misunderstood and I have a good line in it...need to stop putting myself down. Intrigued by your new age reference- do you mean the new agey sense of karma meaning bad luck/health being "deserved" in some way? Got friends here who are a little
Flaky in my view- believing in angels, speaking to the dead via mediums (that dodgy American guy, John somebody, a charlatan IMHO but each to their own)

Oh and Springy, meant t say sorry you are going thro same. Hurtful to be off people's radar suddenly .
Shall dust self off and grin and bear it.

Must admit off the too of my head I have friends here dealing with a dying mother, loss of a child, v depressed husband, fairly useless husband, probably gay dp, autistic dd along with all the usual stuff. Find it hard to find resonance with them tho without being OTT or ending up moaning and then feeling, relatively speaking, I shouldn't be moaning...if that makes any sense

If you don't feel up to socialising, don't. But do get up, dressed and out of the house every morning, give yourself small missions e.g. shopping, and make eye contact and basic conversation with shop assistants, bus conductors etc. Hello, smile, how's your day going, etc.

I know how you feel and really want to share a tool with you which I find very helpful. Plan your day.
Every morning spend five minutes thinking about what you want to get done, eat and which nourishing person you wish to speak to or meet up with.
Then the day will be productive.
I know it sounds simple but its worked for me through some tough times and is working for me at the moment.
It just gives a sense of purpose and ensures that self care is the top of your list. Good luck.

Thanks both. I do get up- sch run etc just often go back to bed- my retreat, sanctuary..
Will try that list- I do a daily chore one, but maybe should make it more nourishing- not sure I know 7 such people though

Ok am aware I'm coming back negatively with a "but" to all your kind suggestions.. So-oo, been thinking about the nourishing people contact and listed 3 face-to-face possibles plus about 5-6 emails ie more than enough for 1 per day! I shall do this!

Hey Salbertina, I read your other post and I feel sorry you seem to struggle with your depression. I've been in therapy (proper neuro psycholigists) since I was 15 (am now 40) and to be honest professional help will help you deal with depression and toxic parents and whatever other issues you may have but it takes a bloody long time (it could take a decade to swallow the pill as what therapy does is help you accept emotionally). It took me years to accept my parents were never going to be how I wanted/ neede dthem to be. From what I gather you only just started therapy, patience is the key here. I was back in therapy last year to deal with DP's narc mum and to be honest it is only when I let go (did not reply to her infuriating letters, stopped turning aorund in my mind what she had said an d one) that I got a bit of piece of mind.
As for friends, don't have many in London, I have really good ones overseas (in Paris, Brussels, New York, San Diego, Hong Kong, seoul, etc.. but no one is London) so I concentrate on my DS, he helps me brush away bad thoughts about MIL as I can concentrate on his happiness, or the next adventure, weekend and I skype with my sister in Korea when ever i can.
You mentioend you have good friends in the UK, contact them, what you need is the support of someone who knows you well. Also to help fight depression, keep busy, make a timetable for the week, make sure you leave the house every day. The best way to overcome depression is to keep your mind as busy as possible. Someone mentioned art classes, maybe learn something you can do with your DC, learn a new language, learn to bake (I can't so I thought of doing that), or look into setting a small business in your new country. Finding work might be hard/ impossible but setting up a business could be doable in a lot of places as long as you have a local partner.Enquire about that, what you need to do to meet these peeple etc...Or pick up golf, a sport (apparently shooting arrows is very zen!). Remember that how you feel today does not impact how you will feel tomorrow and try and control yourself/ your thoughts. You can't pretend to be happy but you can stop denigrating yourself. Try and find a way to love yourself again, you don't seem to do very much of that of late.

I didn't think your op garbled either, I can relate to it and if I didn't have to, there would be times when bed would call me, too.
I do think pretending is quite good, actually. Sometimes putting a cheerful social front on helps me actually get on with it, and getting on with it helps me feel more genuinely positive. I am not a great actress either, it's more a case of psyching myself up to send energy out rather than sucking it in. I work with children and I have better empathy with them than with many of the adults I am around atm.
I like the advice about walking in a public place or doing an art class etc. A regular committment after the school run would break the going back to bed cycle. Start small. Good luck!
fwiw I find many friendships in later life are fairly superficial - none the worse for that, but I found that adjusting my expectations of friendships helped things along. I don't really have anyone to talk to on a deep level but a chat about books, music or boots is nice too!

Only slight complication excuse fit me though is i guess that I feel these are short-term and therefore essentially fairly shallow friendships as am overseas so all quite transient. I do feel have "proper" friends but in uk

I have been very depressed overseas and now think that part of the problem was looking for that 'best friend' or group of like minded people that I needed to be happy.

Now feel (about 5 years on) that relying on someone else to make me happy (though I wouldn't deny that a good friend helps alot) is silly really because where ever you are that perfect person may or may not be around.

So Salbertina you should look for interests, hobbies that you enjoy, that make you feel fulfilled. Anything. Reading up on a subject that you've always wondered about/ sewing/ running/ join online groups. And once you have an interesting life the friendships whether distant, online or local will follow.

(Am flying abroad tomorrow and have a few things planned to do)

Are you in the UK? I am just doing a course through Right Steps - I think this is a national thing. The course I am doing is Mood Management, aimed at people with depression/anxiety, CBT approach. It's good and I'd recommend it. Ask your GP or self-refer?

re new age stuff ie you can determine your life and how it'll end up. yy there's something in this but not entirely! ie the best laid plans don't necessarily work out the way we'd like - though don't tell that to the new age types. They tend to steer clear of anyone who is 'negative'. But where are your friends who sit with you in the pit? nowhere . I get it that people don't enjoy negativity but at the same time, one does seem to be on one's own when life gets overwhelming and one sinks into a pit. You need your friends at times like that, who will sit with you and not judge. I guess people don't have very well developed boundaries and can feel overwhelmed, unable to set limits, or even to recognise their own limits.

Interesting that you mention challenging life events - I do feel that if something tangible were happening in my life that I'd get more support. I guess, again, that people can't stretch their imaginations to accept that although someone's low mood may not have an obvious source(s), there must be something(s) there for things to get so bad. ie work backwards! if we had a bad back, no-one (or not many) would assume we could/ought to snap out of it, that we somehow brought it upon ourselves by not being good at managing our lives. I think also that people have their own shit to deal with and are afraid of going under themselves, so they feel they can't afford to get sucked in as they may go down with us. I think, also, that people are terrified of getting to a place where their lives become unmanageable and find our depressed state a real threat. Actually, there's something peaceful about falling apart - you don't have to hold the world up any more because you can't!

it passes though - it always does (long enough in the tooth to know that). Right Steps courses teach skills to pace yourself, to wait for it to pass, to develop skills to nudge recovery into action.

Hi no not in uk- course sounds v supportive and sensible ..have to invent my own version somehow