My negativity driving people away! Help!

[Salbertina]

Am depressed, in therapy, trying to deal with it but quite isolated-overseas, expat spouse, rather toxic mother issue trying, finally, to deal with...things also been tricky with dh for past few months.
Recently back from annual visit to Uk so also unsettled.

So, all in all, am v depressed, not feeling positive about it all and just when I should be "making an effort""being outgoing and positive" to keep/make new friends overseas, I'm withdrawing into my shell, hiding in bed (only place I feel. Safe/warm/comfortable) and avoiding social situations where possible. When I do surface, I can feel m being prickly, defensive and false somehow as I dont feel ican tell it how it is for me because that's "being negative". I have a "friend" and a couple of acquaintances who rather invalidate me or get competitive - wears me down and rather thn bat it away, I internalise and end up seething with resentment.
Get me, what a lovely person I sound!

My question is, how do you cope during episodes like this - when you can't stand yourself, let alone feel confident about inflicting your negativity on others and yet NEED their company in order to stay sane?

It's not that easy to do it on your own, particularly when you're feeling shit . Can you access CBT where you are? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - it is a practical way to address the symptoms of depression and practically looks in detail at eg how the depression affects you - depression manifests in different ways for different people (though there are common themes!) - and how to address those symptoms, literally chip away and tackle each one to encourage a better mood. The key is in the detail eg addressing ways depression affects you physically, emotionally (thoughts), behaviour. eg physically - can't get out of bed (or sleep too much), feeling physically stuck; negative thoughts, ruminating, worrying, putting yourself down/beating yourself up; behaviours like hard to focus, overeating/spending, avoiding difficult situations, making unreasonable lists of things to do to get out of the funk. I'm only on week 2 and we'll no doubt continue to look at things in details, learning more skills to micro-manage the illness.

Here are some sites they suggest:
www.getselfhelp.co.uk/
www.getselfhelp.co.uk/
www.mind.org.uk

These sites offer computerised CBT:
www.moodgym.anu.edu.au
www.livinglifetothefull.com

anxiety websites

www.topuk.org
www.nopanic.org.uk
www.anxiety.org.uk

second site should be www.glasgowsteps.com

Thanks for all that, yes am having psychotherapy 1:1, v good tho blooming expensive!
Shall check out those sites, too!

Hi. Sorry you are going through this - many commiserations. Being abroad when you are not the reason why you are there is tough. I went through it myself yonks ago in Far East and found it really really difficult to make friends and enjoy being there. My DH got v. impatient with me, but I felt cut off from 'being me' - no job, no own home, no UK friends - I felt 'cast adrift'. I was in culture shock for months. I couldn't stand the coffee mornings/housewifely competitiveness/general shallowness - though this makes me sound like a real snob. Eventually I did make two friends and we went to classes and generally made a life for ourselves etc. But it did take a long, long time and I virtually had to force myself to be more positive. As others have already said - baby steps are the best approach. Write a list of what you love and start working through it - is my advice. I used to drive around with DS in the back and take photographs of odd things - that got me into a space where I could start mending myself. Good luck! XX

Do the 'positive thinking' exhortations feel like a tyranny? For me, people telling me to 'be positive' makes me feel even worse, because does not address the real, structual, issues, and it 'blames' you for feeling bad or overwhelmed or lonely or wha tever, as in, if only you could think positively, your lonliness (etc) would melt away. Negative thinking (or, realistic thinking ) is seen very much as a weakness, even if not spelt out in those terms. It's part of the 'every man for himself' mindset that you can't get away from these days, and it fucks me off immensely. I really don't rate cbt for this kind of issue for the same reason. I totally get the competitiveness and resentment thing as well.
For me what helps is escapism: reading, craft, exercise, gardening, even tv, as suggested above.
I hope I haven't got the wrong end of the stick. i recognised my own feelings so much in what you wrote. good luck.

It's part of the 'every man for himself' mindset that you can't get away from these days, and it fucks me off immensely.

oh, totally with you there yellowvan!

I don't think CBT is 'thinking positively' as such - that would be like saying 'pull your socks up' which, to anyone who has ever been depressed, is impossible, and being exhorted to effectively 'cheer up' is an insult. CBT (ime) respectfully works towards exploring the actual consequences of depression - behaviourally, cognitively, physically - and puts them under a microscope and explores ways to make small shifts to nudge things back onto a healthier footing.

eg, you may sit in the dark and eat crap when you're depressed. lack of vit D and essential nutrients will significantly compound the depression. CBT would look at, say, aiming to get out into the daylight for even 10 minutes, which you could aim to extend to 20 mins over time. It starts small, no judgement, meeting you where you're at - encouraging you, in a supportive environment, to meet yourself where you're at and make sometimes tiny incremental changes that will have a positive effect on your overall mood.