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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i have a big decision to makee and i needd your help.

27 replies

fairyfriend · 09/09/2012 10:23

Sorry, this might be long. And I can't promise I'll follow the advice, but I need opinions as I'm driving myself crazy.

The background is this. I have a cousin who I was very close to when we were growing up. When I got married she was my maid of honour. When I had my second child she was supposed to be godmother, but due to a falling out between our families, this didn't happen. mainly because I hadn't seen her for about a year. We made up and all was OK. We've not been close, but it's been OK.

Now, she's getting married very soon. She has asked every female cousin except me to be bridesmaid. She has asked my daughter to be a flower girl, which was kind of her. But it still stung to know that she didn't want me by her side. I kept quiet about the fact that this hurt, because I realised we weren't as close as we had been and there was nothing to be gained from bringing it up. There have been lots of 'events'- dress fittings, hair consultations etc where I've had to go along and smile at how lovely all the bridesmaids look. I have done this. Not once did I let on that I was in anyway bothered.

I recently organised the hen weekend for her. This was a lot of work, and then she pretty much ignored me all weekend, She's very good at doing things in a snidey way, so she can have you in tears without you really knowing how to explain why you're upset. I came home fron the hen night feeling pretty shit and un appreciated. But I can't pull her on it, because she did say thanks. It was her behaviour, and tone, not her words iyswim.

Now my mother has had a BIG row with her mother. (They are sisters). The row was aboout something unrelated, but my mum lost it and let rip about how badly she feels cousin has treated me.

The following evening, my cousin came to see me and we had a big heart-to-heart, during which we both admitted that the relationship between the two of us is not what it used to be, and that we've grown apart. We both cried a lot. She tried to explain why shed not chosen me as a bridesmaid, but I reassured her that I understood and she was right to pick whoo she wanted, but it's just that it hurts to know I didn't make the cut. I also pointed out that there was noo way I would ever have brought it up' and I was sorry it had been dragged into the argument.

well' she left, and now I'm not sure if I can go to the wedding. As you can imagine, there's a lot more 'background' but this is too long already.

If I go, I'll still be the 'bad guy' too the family for bursting her bubble two weeks before her wedding. Knowing what they're like, I'm also pretty sure I'll be treated like shit on the day. She's been all over facebook with her friends asking if she's OK, andd cryptic 'I'll PM you' messages from her. So I know that most people see me as the devil incarnate. It will be a horrendous day.
But if I don't go- well, my gran will be heartbroken. Not going to someone's wedding is very final,n isn't it? But that might be a good thing, not having to put up with their shit any more.

So, Mumsnet- do I go??

(I am very sorry for the length of this, thank you if you've got this far.)

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfriend · 09/09/2012 10:25

Sorry for all the typos, I'm on my phone!

OP posts:
GiserableMitt · 09/09/2012 10:27

Personally I think I would go, sit quietly at the back of the church/registry office, wish the couple well then leave.

Would that be an option?

Hassled · 09/09/2012 10:27

You should go regardless. If you don't go, you'll scupper any chances of your relationship with her ever being salvageable - and you clearly care about her, or none of this would matter. If you don't go, you're closing the door for a very long time, if not forever. Go, smile, be gracious.

picnicbasketcase · 09/09/2012 10:28

If you've had a good talk about it and she understands how you feel, has apologised and explained etc, I don't know why she would be slagging you off to all her friends? I think you should go tbh, especially if your DD is part of it, then after that one day you can decide whether you want to be in contact.

ALittleBitOfMagic · 09/09/2012 10:30

I could have written the first half of your post . Unfortunately three years on we still don't speak . I was her chief bridesmaid . She is my DDs godmother.

I got married last year . I went to her three times to get her to still be my bridesmaid . That didn't work . I still sent her in invitation and he just sent a reply card back saying they would not attend . No card or anything . Her not being at my wedding was one of the hardest things I have ever had to swallow in my whole life .

I realise our circumstances do differ quite a bit by my advice to you is to go . People will think much worse of you if you don't and I truly believe you will regret it .

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 09/09/2012 10:32

She sounds pretty horrible and has treated you very badly. I wouldn't want to go to the wedding. The thing is, if you go, keep yourself a little distant and leave at the earliest opportunity, you'll get slagged off anyway. If you go and try to join in with her and her bitchy friends, you know they'll be rolling their eyes and messaging each other about it later.

Just remembered your daughter is bridesmaid. I think that means you'll have to go. I would leave as early as possible saying you've had a lovely time but your daughter is tired.

AlmostAGoldHipster · 09/09/2012 10:32

Go. Dance at her wedding. Wish her joy. Treat her as you'd wish to be treated yourself. Ignore any negativity because you know you're doing the Right Thing.

OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 09/09/2012 10:32

The thing is that she wants you to be there so that you're aware you're not part of the show.

Would your daughter be very upset if you didn't go?

NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 10:34

You should go

Original poster
fairyfriend · 09/09/2012 10:35

She's odd, picnicbasket. I get what you're saying, but she will have slagged me off to her friends. I'm not saying her tears weren't genuine the other night, but she'll have twisted it by now. They are a very difficult branch of the family, and to be honest, closing the door might be good if it was just them.

But I worry about upsetting my gran. She won't take 'sides' but because my aunt is more volatile than we are, she will protect their feelings before mine, iyswim.

I can't exactly explain why I don't to go. I just feel like a hypocrite.

OP posts:
janelikesjam · 09/09/2012 10:36

Like picnicbasket, if you've had a conversation about it and both have aired your feelings, am unsure why the problem is still in the air.

But I agree with others, go, smile and be gracious, try and enjoy what you can of the day that you can, and if its uncomfortable take your leave as soon as you respectfully can.

Original poster
fairyfriend · 09/09/2012 10:37

Just for clarity, my daughter is only 2. If I don't go, then she won't go either. Which puts a different spin on it I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
fairyfriend · 09/09/2012 10:49

I want to add that I'm aware I'm making her big day all about me now, which I absolutely didn't want to do. I want to say to her that I do wish her well, I want her to forget about me and get on with her life.

Those of you saying just go and smile, I know in theory you are right. But I don't know if I'm a big enough person to do that. I'm crying as I type this. I've cried constantly since the argument. I will cry in the church. I will cry during the speeches. I will cry when my beautiful cousins stand together to have their photo taken in their lovely dresses without me.

Please don't think I'm a spoilt brat. I could have braved it, but now the lid has been taken off and I just can't grin and bear it anymore.

OP posts:
FizzyLaces · 09/09/2012 10:58

You have to go.

janelikesjam · 09/09/2012 11:00

It just seems like a very emotional issue for you right now - and as you say emotionally there must be more to it .... why not be with your feelings for a while, crying too, and see how you feel, you still have some time to make a decision. Is it worth trying to get any help with your decision from sympathetic relatives or is there anyone who can be with or support you on the day if you did decide to go?

akaemmafrost · 09/09/2012 11:07

I wouldn't go but I think, from what you've written, I have a much harder shell than you and could deal well with any fall out, I am not sure you could. However I don't mean to be unkind but if you do go you simply cannot weep all the way through, that will just irritate everyone. You've got to grin and bear it.

Original poster
fairyfriend · 09/09/2012 11:25

Erm, akaemmafrost, I won't be making a conscious decision to 'weep all the way through', I'm just emotionally in pieces. I don't think irritation will be the top of anyone's list of emotions, to be honest.

A lot has happened this year, (other than this) I just feel broken now.
To say this is the last straw is a huge understatement. But I never meant to fall apart at this point. As I say, I was all set to grin and bear it.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 09/09/2012 11:32

In your last post you said would cry all the way through. You said it yourself. If you did that at my wedding I would be annoyed and I think you'll make yourself look like you're playing the victim. Sorry, while I am sympathetic I am beginning to think you ARE making it all about you. You've had a row, now put it aside till after the wedding and if you can't do that then you shouldn't go.

akaemmafrost · 09/09/2012 11:34

"I don't know if I'm a big enough person to do that.". It's her wedding day. You HAVE be big enough and if you can't then you shouldn't go.

ALittleBitOfMagic · 09/09/2012 11:35

I honestly feel how torn you are but you have too options . Go or not go . I really think not going is worse .

Chandon · 09/09/2012 11:42

just go, and don't draw attention to yourself, iyswim, ie don't talk about any negative issues at the wedding (if people come for a gossip or your side of teh story, wave it off). If people are shitty to you, move to people who support you, or even ones you don't know.

You can then be proud for being the bigger person, and after that just leave the whole disfunctional family mess, and do exactly as you please :)

BalloonSlayer · 09/09/2012 11:46

You have to go. As your DD is only 2 you can make an excuse to leave early "DD has had the time of her LIFE! She is EXHAUSTED! We must take her home. Thank you so much " < kissy kissy > < swift exit >

DeckSwabber · 09/09/2012 16:56

Wot Balloonslayer said

janelikesjam · 09/09/2012 17:19

I think going or not going to the wedding is one decision the OP will have to make at some point.

However, dealing with her feelings on this is equally worthwhile, and I think she should also give room to them and respect them, thats also important...

minceorotherwise · 09/09/2012 17:33

Ooh difficult one.
Given that it's family and that you are likely to have to see them again at some point, going would be the lesser of two evils I think
If you don't go, it will be forever referred to I assume, things will be difficult and unresolved next time you see any of them
That's worse, just dragging on
I realise it's going to be tough but you have a couple of weeks to build yourself up
Just go, try to be bright and breezy, make it all an act in your head, as if you are impersonating someone else
If you feel a wobble, nip to the loo and sort yourself out, or fuss over your daughter if you don't want to speak to someone
Leave early!

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