Ok, so I made a dick of myself last night...

[hungoverandembarrassed]

I am so fucking stupid. Last night I went on a rare night out with dp, and I got very drunk. I chose to then confide in him that I was raoed at 15 and was in an emotionally and pretty much physically abusive relationship at 19. Thing is I was pissed so probably did it in an incoherent and dramatic way, and dp had to work today so the whole time he was just probably desperate to go to bed. I has been thinking about it a lot recently as I have been having yet another bout of depression so I was considering telling him at some point, but not at such a stupid time.

Now instead if feeling like I've got something off my chest I just feel stupid. The hangover doesn't help. He was the first person I've told about the first thing in RL and actually saying it out loud was actually really painful. I have always had doubts whether what happened to me was actually rape, but I have discussed it on mumsnet once and was assured by other posters that it was. Either way it fucked me up for a long time. But I worry that dp may question the circumstances of what happened and think I'm a bit of a drama queen.

Please be gentle with me, I already know I was an idiot for choosing such a stupid time to talk about it, but it's done now and I can't change that. I just feel awful now, so exposed and silly and I worry that dp will have lost all respect for me.

Btw this convo happened after we got home, I wasn't raving on in a restaurant or anything!

You're not an idiot, I did a similar thing and I recall how I felt the next day, bit embarrassed and almost wished I hadn't said anything.

But the best thing is that you've told him and now you can hopefully talk it through, don't be so hard on yourself.

If you cant face a conversation about it later, maybe text him to explain this and say youll talk again when ready?

Aw I feel for you. The hangover is going to make your anxiety and paranoia worse this morning, but I hope once you get another chance to discuss everything with him he will be supportive and you can find some relief in talking about your ordeal with someone you trust and that cares for you.
X

Don't be so silly, you're not an idiot. When your dp comes home talk to him about it if you feel up to it. Alcohol makes difficult things easier to talk about sometimes, now that it's out there you may find everything just comes flooding out.

I wonder if he actually wants me to talk about it again though. Because I was drunk I can't even really remember how he responded, or I was so busy navel gazing I didn't notice. He certainly didn't tell me to shut up or just run off to bed though!

I was trying to remember how we even got on to the subject. I think it was because I was saying how confident and happy dd is and I don't want anything to happen to her that changes that. I was such a confident and happy outgoing child, but when these things happened I didn't change outwardly, I was still an extrovert, but secretly I hate myself. I know so many people feel like this who have had far worse things happen to them, so it it is ridiculous for me to be such a drama queen about it. My poor dp must have felt like he was sitting through a bad episode of dr phil last night.

Um, sweetie? This wasn't telling someone that you'd accidentally walked the whole length of the street with your skirt tucked into your knickers!

This is serious and nothing to feel guilty about. Your DP may be shocked at what you've told him but he should be shocked and angry on your behalf, and willing to support you.

I also wonder if I am actually ready to talk about it really, or whether I should see someone who knows what they're doing. I feel so raw this morning. I don't know if I can open this whole can of worms right now, I've got so much else going on.

Noone else really knows the true extent of what went on with my ex as it happened when I was living away in another county and he isolated me from my friends/family. When I finally left him I think my mum was just relieved I got away, she guessed what had been happening but didn't pry any further.

I think what most troubles me is I have irrevocably changed dp's perception of me. This is just not "who I am" I appear really confident and self assured, and tgat's who he fell in love with. Now he will know it is all just a big con.

How was he this morning? I think it's a good thing you have told him and like already advised chat about it when he's home

Not a con. He may understand you better for knowing?

He didn't really say much, just got me a glass of water when I asked. But tbf he was probably struggling with a major hangover and having had no sleep.

I texted him just now, saying sorry for being a dick last night, and he just texted back "don't worry. X". Now he is not big with words, and I suppose he might be busy at work, but seems a bit brief! But I know it is a bad idea to read too much into the "tone" of text messages so I will just see how he is when he come home.

Now listen

You are not a con. What happened to you was not your fault and you have coped in the best way that you could. By the sounds of it you have done very well despite your experiences.

I hope your dp is supportive and understanding, I'm sure he will be. Just for your own sake though I would make an appointment with a counsellor so you can talk it all through. I think it's especially important regarding the abusive relationship, just to make sure that you never find yourself in that kind of situation agagin.

Be kind to yourself, you haven't done anything wrong

Yeah reg I think that was kind of my intention, to help him understand me better. Because of my ex I can be super defensive and too quick to jump on minor misdemeanours in his behaviour as I am so determined not to let it happen to me again.

Verity I am certain it would never happen again. I am too aware of the warning signs. Thanks for your kind words though, and everyone else's.

I'm glad to hear that. I'd still love you to talk to someone about it all though. You may only need one session, but I think it would really make a huge difference to you. Look after yourself

Thank you.

God I do feel so much better now thank you everyone. I was beside myself when I woke up this morning and remembered. Haven't slept since about 4am. Really must stop drinking.

One of my friends told me she was raped, and I just didn't know what to say. I probably didn't say enough. But that wasn't through not caring. I based so much that I was stunned into silence by how magnificently she dealt with her every day life while dragging around such horrible memories all the time. we did talk about 't, but not straight away because it took me a while to process what had happened to my dear friend.

I suspect your husband may be going through something similar.

Glad you're feeling better, we all can work ourselves up into a tizzy when worrying about things we've said. Please don't read into the tone of the text, your dp is probably just trying to come to terms with what he's been told and how best to support you. It's hard to be understanding in a txt especially when at work!

Eat, drink lots of water and go back to bed if youre able. Re-humanise yourself before you worry about this anymore. I lose confidence in my ability to cross the road when I'm hungover so know not to deal with anything really important. You poor old thing

Thanks colditz. I also feel bad to have put this on him. He may be wanting to support me, but now I wish I could take it all back. I feel like I am indulging myself and dragging it all up again, when ultimately I am just going to have to learn to live with it whatever, and I have managed ok so far. But now it is "out there" it will be harder to forget about it really.

Thanks tzella. I am just so glad that dd is staying over at his mum's so I can do that!

Wowzer! Just made first attempt to get out of bed and nearly toppled over! I really did drink an awful lot last night...

Gather edible supplies and ibruprofen and get back in!

You sound lovely, OP. you love and trust this man enough to tell him the big & terrible things. There's so much to feel good about

Thank you tzella, you've no idea how touched I am by your post, you sound lovely too.