Ok, so I made a dick of myself last night...

[hungoverandembarrassed]

I am so fucking stupid. Last night I went on a rare night out with dp, and I got very drunk. I chose to then confide in him that I was raoed at 15 and was in an emotionally and pretty much physically abusive relationship at 19. Thing is I was pissed so probably did it in an incoherent and dramatic way, and dp had to work today so the whole time he was just probably desperate to go to bed. I has been thinking about it a lot recently as I have been having yet another bout of depression so I was considering telling him at some point, but not at such a stupid time.

Now instead if feeling like I've got something off my chest I just feel stupid. The hangover doesn't help. He was the first person I've told about the first thing in RL and actually saying it out loud was actually really painful. I have always had doubts whether what happened to me was actually rape, but I have discussed it on mumsnet once and was assured by other posters that it was. Either way it fucked me up for a long time. But I worry that dp may question the circumstances of what happened and think I'm a bit of a drama queen.

Please be gentle with me, I already know I was an idiot for choosing such a stupid time to talk about it, but it's done now and I can't change that. I just feel awful now, so exposed and silly and I worry that dp will have lost all respect for me.

Despite all the trauma of your youth, which was not your fault, you found a man you could trust and make a life and DC with. If anything, your disclosures should show how DH has been even more of a help to you than he knew...

Thank you pussy cat. Thing is I have never really felt traumatised by it as such, it is just that recently I have been doing a lot of navel gazing soul searching and I have realised that these things have really influenced the way I have behaved and thought about myself since. For instance, after the event when I was 15 I felt so disgusted with myself and lost all respect for myself so ended up becoming a bit promiscuous for a while. Even though my abusive exp knew nothing of my past, he used to call me names like slag/slut etc and I thought I deserved it, and his constant accusations of my infidelity (unfounded of course) and his possessiveness was justified. After I finally wised up to him I berated myself for being such a mug for putting up with it. And I think in future relationships I have made up for it by being a bit of a ball breaker and refuse to take any shit off anyone! I think it also may have started last night in a misguided attempt to explain to dp that I do really love him and I am sorry I am a bit of a battle axe sometimes! I guess sometimes I wonder who the real me is, or would have been if these things hadn't happened. I feel like I am a bad person and flawed some how, and wish I could be innocent and naive and happy like dd, instead of a defensive, cynical misery guts!

You don't have to feel traumatised for stuff to have an effect, as you have noticed in your life. And I speak as one who had similar in my early life and felt the effects for decades. I thought the text was fine, btw, I think he intended to reassure you...

Thanks pussy cat. Hope you have managed to put your demons to rest, if so, how did go about it? Tell me to mind my own business if you want!

Am 60 now. Abuser died when I was in my 30's, which helped! Gave myself permission to hate him.

Unfortunately although I thought I had found a lovely man, (and he was in fact someone I could trust in bed) he turned out to be a cocklodger. We recently divorced. In my case, I think I may not have dismissed my victimhood as much as I had thought, and so was willing to put up with more than I should, buoyed up with false hope. So getting rid of him was the final piece in me finding myself again.

I am not at all meaning to imply any parallel with your DH, let me make that very clear. I just feel obliged to give you the whole arc of my life to date for completeness and to show how my early life cast a v long shadow.

I am really glad you feel happy in yourself now. I sort of know what you mean, my last exp was nowhere near an abuser, but he still had subtle ways to undermine my confidence. He was charming, charismatic and generous, warm and funny, and would lavish praise and platitudes on me and gush about how much he loved me. But the way he behaved towards me showed he had very little respect for me. He would criticise my weight (I am a size 12), always had something negative to say about my friends and would criticise how I behaved and what I said in social situations. I started feeling very unsure about myself, it was like he was in love with this version of me that he had put on a pedestal,and if I didn't live up to it he would try and mould me into it. Needless to say I realised that wasn't healthy either, so finished it, which was painful as i did kove him. Dp now has seen me warts and all, pregnant, a size 18 after, hormonal, drunk yet he still just loves me for who I am and doesn't try and change me. Yet I am horrible to him sometimes, and he has to put up with outbursts like last night!

Glad you got rid of your cock lodger and are happy now!

I feel for you, and you have been very brave. I think you shouldn't dismiss what you are doing as 'navel gazing'; talking about very traumatic and painful events is anything but. There is nothing wrong is talking about what happened to you, or in asking (and receiving support). I want to say this to you a little sternly: please don't brush off you very valid needs and feelings as 'navel gazing'.

I say this as someone who finally confided in an (now) ex-DH about my mental health issues. As soon as I did, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and a 'drama queen'. Except I should have felt none of those things; the fact that I did showed how I used to bury my emotions and use internal phrases like 'drama queen' to belittle myself.

My issues were obv different to yours - I wasn't raped - but I too also figured other people 'had it worse', that I was making a mountain out of a molehill.

Actually, getting it all out in the open, despite the initial feelings of shame, was the first real step in my recovery.

So well done.If you DP is worth his salt he will support you. Please give yourself a massive pat on the back and be kind to yourself; what happened to you, and our subsequent reaction to is, is nothing to be ashamed off, and in fact you should be very proud of yourself for picking yourself up and getting on through life.

Sermon over (sorry - am also hungover!) x

and sorry for typos - like I said, I'm hungover!

I'm sorry you went through such an awful time, OP.

I think you're looking at things the wrong way now, though. You see this as an outburst, that you were an idiot - 'a dick', you said. Yet you confided in him the most secret, private, painful events of your life. You entrusted him with your past. He should be honoured that you would tell him.

Maybe you needed to be drunk to do that. Sometimes when we're drunk we're able to say things that we can't otherwise say. Sometimes alcohol brings those desperately hidden memories to the forefront of our minds.

Be kind to yourself today. No wonder you feel raw; you have exposed yourself to someone in the most fundamental way.

I think it would help you to see a counsellor. I don't think talking to your partner will perform that function for you. I think you need to talk to someone who is objective so that you can find out who you really are. It's a scary journey, isn't it?

Thank you orange, and birds hope your mh issues aren't causing you too much suffering nowadays.

I know I was probably wrong to use the word "dick" in my op, especially as it may belittle other people in similar situations. I just wrote that when I just woke up and felt so foolish. It was not about the fact that I said it, but that I was so drunk and I imagine a hysterical babbling mess that kept repeating herself! And that I kept dp up so late despite him having to work early today, it's not ideal when your confidante is probably desperate for you to shut up so he can go to bed but feels too polite!

I think I might try and see a counsellor. My mum knows I have been down lately and wants us to spend some time together, perhaps a meal or something, but I will definitely stay off the wine as I really don't want to tell her too much as she will feel really guilty about not doing more, but it is not her fault because she didn't know. I have had cbt before but that doesn't focus on the past, just the here and now, and i found it pretty useless and patronising,and anyway at that time I was just been treated for one of my depressive episodes and something which I thought was nothing to do with this but who knows? I have also spoken to the samaritans before, and whilst they are good to splurge to and get things off your chest, having been one myself I know they are not trained to offer practical advice.

I have always wondered how useful the more analytic therapies are as I have thought that maybe taking up the past isn't such a good idea, and I think requires a lot of energy which I don't know if I have. But a part of me thinks I have had low lying depression on and off and negative thoughts about myself all my adult life, I am always quite proactive and change things if I'm not happy so I have gone through countless jobs and career changes, relationships, moved from city to city, sometimes been poor, sometimes better off, but I can't get rid of this nagging unhappiness so something is amiss.

I just want to maybe see a therapist that I can rant at for half an hour, but who can offer a but of reassurance/guidance and who I won't feel stupid or guilty or selfish for talking the hind legs off because it's their job! I know I'm unlikely to get this on the Nhs but I think some round here offer it on a sliding scale, and I know my mum would pay for it if I asked her (I am definitely in a poor phase).

Thank you do much everyone for putting up with my ramblings.

Ramble away sweetie if it helps process your thoughts!

I think maybe some professional counselling would be good, have you looked at the rape crisis website

They have a really helpful phoneline which could be your first approach& see how you feel about going from there.

Have a restful day, drink loads of water to flush your liver out & maybe take some more water in between drinks in future?!

Thanks bossy!

I don't know if rape crisis will be right for me, I don't know, it is so difficult, I was kind of coerced into sex by someone older than me, he had taken me somewhere far from home (I had gone willingly) but then wanted sex, I kept saying no, but eventually I said yes after he spent forever "talking me round" and said he wouldn't drive me home unless I did, and I didn't know where I was, didn't want to tell my parents as I was somewhere/with someone I shouldn't be.. Gah! I still struggle with what it was now, all I know is I felt so stupid and disgusted with myself, but then doesn't everyone who has a one night stand and regretted it feel like that? Well actually I have had one night stands and regretted them but it was nothing like this. Then he kept calling me after, saying he wanted to be my boyfriend (one of my objections to sleeping with him had been that I didn't want to have sex outside a relationship) but his contact made me feel sick. There are other details about what happened that also still disturb me. God I really need to stop going on!

But yes I do need to drink more water during a session! I don't have problems with alcohol per se, accept that when my mood is low I seem to have a lower tolerance for alcohol, or tend to just drink more than I usually would, and am not a good drunk, whereas I'm usually not that bad! I think I might knock the booze on the head for a while as I have been having the odd glass in the week but I don't think it does my mood much good!

I was abused when I was a kid, for about 12 years, and I have told several of my boyfriends, much like you told yours, a bit tipsy late at night. They have all bar none been amazing about it. Wait till your fella gets home, I bet there's something else about him towards you now...

Hungover, on a professional level, I do think it is good to be able to go through it. See how you have written there, like that but more, for an hour, for several weeks......let it breathe the light of day and work out what was what. And no-one who is coerced into sex is the one in the wrong...x

Dp is home now actually. We haven't said too much about it, I just told him I was embarrassed and I was sorry for keeping him up late. He just gave me a kiss and a big cuddle and told me not to be so silly. He is a man of few words at the best of times though! Now he has gone for a kip and dd and I are cuddled up on the sofa watching beebies!

I am sorry about your abuse something. I am sure what happened to me is nothing compared to what you went through.

And thank you for your advice.

Just put dd to bed and me and dp had another little chat, and he told me he's really glad I told him. I don't want to go into any more just now, do that is enough at the moment.

Bless him....he's a good'un , keep talking & cuddling.

I've done really similar things OP and feel your pain. Its that urgh moment as you start sobering up and realise you've revealed the worst if your life to someone and can never take it back.

Had bad experiences with telling an ex about some bad things. So much so there's things my DH still doesn't know.

For some reason thats how I like it. I know he would be really supportive but that he would feel helpless and distressed and also deep down I worry he would see me as damaged in some way. Was really used against me by horror ex. So I leave things.

Thanks Rowan. I still sort of wish I hadn't said anything, but at least now I don't feel so stupid as do has been good about it. Sorry your ex was such a shitbag to you.