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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I hate my sisters boyfriend

42 replies

Emmielu · 09/09/2012 06:59

And always have done. I've tried to get on with him. But he always tells me I'm doing everything wrong. I want to move out. He said I won't be able to manage that on my own. I have a boyfriend. He said I can't hold down a relationship and that I'm only making a hole for myself to fall into by being in a relationship. I volunteer in a nursery. He calls me a mug and said there's no way I'd get a job in childcare because no one is offering jobs. I suggested a possible career in childminding. He told me I'm stupid. Then said I haven't got the mind for it cause I've not been brought up in the business. Closely followed by tellinge about how he buys some supplies for his business very cheap then sells them to customers or friends for hundreds of pounds without checking for safety. All of which come from eBay. (he works as a plumber). He said I'd be better off on benefits because I'm not capable of making a career for myself. He says all of this while my sister isn't around. My sister was going to train to be a midwife in australlia. She turned it down to be with him.

I can't stand him. He criticises everything the family does. The car my dad brought my sister was "a heap of shit" in his words. Not many of my family members will tolerate him and I think I'm the only one who is civil to him. I don't want to hate him but I do. He just seems to think everything he does is perfect. His way is the right way. Instead of helping someone he just puts them down.

OP posts:
GiserableMitt · 09/09/2012 07:05

Do you all live together?

Emmielu · 09/09/2012 07:10

Thankfully no. He and my sister live together.

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GiserableMitt · 09/09/2012 07:29

Oh I see! I misread your post. When you said you wanted to move out, I thought he lived with you and your family and you wanted to move out to get away from him Blush

Do you HAVE to spend any time with him? Can't your family ask your sister not to bring him into their home if he's such an unpleasant individual?

Aussiebean · 09/09/2012 07:35

Disengage, thank any Gods going he isn't your boyfriend and hope you sister works it out before they have children.

I understand your dislike of him, but his opinion shouldn't matter to you.

You don't live with him so only arrange one on one time with your sister. When you have to see him, don't tell him anything personal, or any of your plans. If he comments about you being dumb, change the subject you can't engage with people who think its acceptable to call people dumb.

You also say he says these things when you sister isn't around. You could always try and get him to write it in an email, or challenge what he said in front of her. But my experience is that loved up people don't want to see the negative. You may just have to be there for her when it all ends.

bleedingheart · 09/09/2012 07:38

I wonder if he says things like this to your sister when your not around? He sounds like an arrogant bulky. Disengage and see your sister on her own.

TheProvincialLady · 09/09/2012 07:40

Just don't discuss any aspect of your life with him. You don't like him and you don't need his approval. Who cares what his opinions are? Don't be alone with him and if you have to be, briefly, just say "hmmm, thanks" and don't engage with him. I would try and meet your sister outside of their home whenever possible, ideally without him there.

tribpot · 09/09/2012 07:53

I can't understand why you're spending any time on your own with this person. He has nothing to do with your life and your choices - thank god.

Emmielu · 09/09/2012 08:08

We cant ask my sister not to bring him. It'll start a big argument. The only reason I was left alone with him is cause my sister had to do last min shopping and since they were already here for the afternoon she went alone. They already have kids together. I dread to think how he treats my sister.

OP posts:
Inertia · 09/09/2012 08:11

Don't even engage in conversation with him then - just leave the room.

tribpot · 09/09/2012 08:42

I'm not sure I believe your sister really had 'last minute shopping' to do during a visit to her parents, she may well have just wanted an excuse to ditch him. However, there's no reason why you then had to entertain him.

Were all the comments you mention in your first post made in the course of a single conversation with him yesterday?

Sparkleandshine73 · 09/09/2012 08:55

Hmm if I were you I would listen to every comment and reverse it for the actual truth:

"He told me i'm stupid" actually means he thinks you are quite switched on and it annoys him as you are probably more bright than him.... etc etc Grin

Just keep it in your mind that he is an arse and is criticizing stuff about you that intimidates him and you will find you move on and ignore him.

brass · 09/09/2012 10:17

yes why are you telling him so much about your life? Don't discuss your plans, what he doesn't know he can't comment on.

Avoid him. See your sister without him if possible and avoid him at all other times.

Emmielu · 09/09/2012 10:45

Yes that was all in the space of 2 hours yesterday. I have tried telling him I've not made any changes to my life but then he rambles on how I'm spongeing off people, not making a life for myself or DD etc. He must be the only person I know who can make even the most successful or happiest person feel low.

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janelikesjam · 09/09/2012 10:48

Truly avoid him. There is no point in engaging in any conversation with him. If it were me I would not say anything more than hello or goodbye (assuming our paths crossed). If your sister wants to see you on her own then obviously that is different, but I see no reason for you to be even in the same room as him ...

tribpot · 09/09/2012 11:11

Why have you 'tried' telling him anything? He clearly just wants to paint everything in a negative, critical, unpleasant light. So don't speak to him - you don't have to justify yourself to this person.

sooperdooper · 09/09/2012 11:17

He sounds hideous, don't spend any time with him and don't engage in conversation with him, if you find yourself alonw with him for any reason just leave the room and don't worry about what he thinks

Emmielu · 09/09/2012 11:22

I'm gonna have to start ignoring him like you've all said. Harsh as it is and will probably start a argument with my sister I just can't tolerate him.

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ZiaMaria · 09/09/2012 11:31

Avoid avoid avoid. And if your sister has to 'nip out' again - leave. If she asks why, just tell her he is rude and offensive towards you and while you love her you will not be treated like that.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 09/09/2012 11:36

Honestly why are you listening to him? So what if it causes an argument? I would not bother trying to justify myself for 2 hours!!!!you should have told how to do one! Why didn't you?? Is there more to this??

Emmielu · 09/09/2012 11:40

If it starts an argument it then means my mum will take my sisters side. Since I live with my parents it results in very awkward days. There is silence. Then there is big arguments. Mum then says she "can't cope" but won't allow me to take DD and myself and leave for a few days. Mum then tells other family members who then refuse to talk to me and this can last months. I don't want to sound ungrateful but if I could move away from my family I would. The only 2 people I'd miss is my dad and brother.

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janelikesjam · 09/09/2012 11:42

There doesn't have to be an argument with your sister! If the issue is raised, you can tell your sister calmly that he is disrespectful to you and you don't want to engage with him anymore. You don't need to say one more sentence! Its not really up for discussion. She will just have to accept it. If she starts disagreeing, arguing, etc. you can just repeat the same sentence, and stay detached. She will probably take it away and quietly think about it herself though, which is no bad thing ...

janelikesjam · 09/09/2012 11:44

You can find people more respectful to your needs or look after yourself more .... maybe find a counsellor who can support you in this ...

tribpot · 09/09/2012 11:45

So where were your parents when he was talking bollocks to you yesterday, Emmielu? Were you the only one in? Left 'entertaining' him out of politeness?

Numberlock · 09/09/2012 11:46

So you live with your parents and daughter, just checking I've read that right.

Emmielu · 09/09/2012 12:36

Parents were at work. I was left with him, DD and sister and his 2 DD's. I think I do need to see someone. I can't seem to trust any of my family and get put down easily.

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