25 years´ friendship in trouble. A drinking night. What to do with this friendship.

[Miraxx]

Hi all. I've been feeling bad about a long friendship of mine. We've known each other for 25 years and are both now almost 40 with children. Originally we were school mates. Best friends for a great deal of these 25 years.

For the last ten years our friendship has been going down, however, about which I have been very sad and actually even depressed about. We have still kept in almost weekly contact by phone. Our communication has been rather thin in content, though. We've mostly been chatting about everyday stuff and she has not made initiatives on seeing one-on-one for talking or anything. She has three children, all under ten so I have totally understood this.

Still, it has felt very bad as she was my best friend for such a long part of my life. Also, for the last ten years I have been seriously in an ill health and I have been so lonely. After the birth of my only child nine years ago I suddenly developed an acute, nasty gall bladder disease which lasted for three months with a few rides on the ambulance, resulting finally in an emergency operation to remove my gall bladder. After this, there were other more casual problems like infections, but when my baby was 1 years old I got cancer. Another surgery, long story short, I was basically cured, but it was a huge shock for all of us. But, there was more to come. Two years and I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. This is something chronic which I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

In the midst of all this suffering the father of my child and I broke up. I have been taking care of our child alone now for a few years. His father usually takes him on the weekends, though.

It has been very stressful. I have been so depressed and alone and barely could make it sometimes. I had to give up working and apply for disability, on which I have now been on three years.

Anyways, back to this friend of mine. Two weeks ago she called me on Friday night which is unusual as she mostly spends weekends with her family nowadays. She asked if I would like to have a drink or two somewhere outside in the park like in the old times...well, of course I had to say yes :-) as this was something so out of the ordinary and perhaps a chance to connect with her, at least a little bit, again.

Although I must say I have not been so keen on drinking with her for many years, because I have felt I could not trust her anymore, not so much anyway. This is because ten years ago I told her a super confidential thing about my affair with person X. Later she told me that she had revealed to her father (whom I know, too) that I am having an affair with someone he might know. After this I couldn't trust her anymore. Not as much I used to, anyway.

It was a fun night for both of us. She seemingly made effort to establish a connection: she kept on flattering me, she said I still was one of her best friends, it would be nice to see more often and so on. She said she had to make some distance between us during my years of illness and divorce because she could not afford to get dragged into that, she had to keep her own things going on.

Sorry this is a long story even though I'm leaving out so much. Anyway, during the night she asked me if I was having any romance or such in the air. I had my guards on but i did reveal that I have been dreaming about a guy Y whom she knows and with whom I have been in contact with.

The next day I started worrying about what I had told her about Y. The chances were that she would be blabbering about my crush on this guy for our common circle of acquaintances (for her, friends, for me, acquaintances). So I sent her an SMS asking for her not to talk about that and that I have felt so betrayed that ten years ago she went on and revealed my affair to someone.

Well, she replied that she does not remember telling about my affair to anyone. I replied that it was her father and she had told me this herself back then. She replied that she cannot recall anything like this, and she feels we had a fun evening yesterday night; and she wishes next time we would get back with a more positive outlook.

Now there has been a silence of two weeks.

WHile I feel it was nice to talk to her and see her, I have so many doubts about our friendship. After all these horrible years, I do not want friends who, in my time of need, distance themselves from me. And, what's more, when things are better for me, try to come back. I do not need friends who I can't trust to keep my strictly confidential things, either. And thirdly, I would really appreaciate that if I confront my friend about somthing she did, she would make an apology if anything - not deny everything and shut down contacts with me because "I was being so negative".

Any thoughts? I'm sorry this text is so long.

cupcake, I disagree that all friends can be there for you every time you have a crisis; sometimes they are themselves stressed/worried/tired and exhausted from having three little ones, they may have money worries and so on.

I agree that if they are never there for you it is a problem, but the OP has been ill for ten years, this friend has hung on in there, perhaps not as much as the Op would have liked, but you cannot treat 10 years like a one off crisis and drop everything.

That is not to say I think the friend is without blame, perhaps she has been guilty of focusing on her own family and issues (although making time for a weekly chat, whether she calls or listens) is pretty good going and more than most of my friendships.

I really hate the advice on MN to drop your friends if they don't behave really well, good friends are hard to find, but they are not perfect and may not always do the right things when you are sick/have a crisis/get divorced, but unless they are truly nasty (so why were you friends with them anyway). I have found that sometimes a friend has been great at one time, but nowhere to be seen at another. Similarly, I have been a great friend recently to my friend who has split up with someone, but two years ago, I was just keeping my own life going and head above water and I would not have had the time/emotional energy to support others. That's why long-term friendships have to be allowed to go in cycles a bit, and with more than one person, you can't expect one person to be there through everything everytime for decades.

The Op is lacking in support, has no partner, few other deep friendships and is idly thinking (on her other thread) of having an affair/getting with a married man (again, OP, see the pattern!) Why encourage someone in that position to lose a long term friend of 25 years even if she is not perfect?!

I am so sorry life has dealt you such a hard hand. You will know that MS affects you mentally as well as physically, and I think what you have experienced recently is probably what I would call a meltdown in laymans terms!

Yes, I agree with other posters you need to get a support system in place from the professionals but there is no substitute for an old friend who besides being a support also knew you when you were in your prime.

I suggest leaving it a week or so until you feel a bit more balanced and then call her and apologise for your intensity recently. Say to her you had a meltdown, and you are addressing this issue, and then move on. Ask about her children etc. bring up some funny mutual memories and leave the call on a nice note. Repeat the nice calls at regular intervals, you will feel better for it and so will she.

As others have said life has it's ups and downs and so do friendships, if your friend is a good person she will cut you some slack and hang in through these bad times.

I am also very glad that you're not my friend.

I also have serious health problems and would not treat my friends the way you have treated her, or expect so much from them.

Hello again. Thank you for your messages meanwhile

Some days ago I texted my friend that i'd like us to stop quarreling how about that. And added that I got a new med which tastes exactly like Irish Cream shot. (getting on the same level as her lol)

She texted me a smiley and told me she was in for a doctor's appointment for excess heart palpitations and a heart doppler and called in sick from work for that week. Next day I called her and chatted about her palpitations and so on. I did not apology nor did she and we did not brush the subject at all. So, we're friends again, but of course, our dispute remains unsolved as such, like it always does.

What I would like to say to her would be

1. I can't trust you, at least not in relationship or crush issues, because you tell about them to others that I know - and that's why I'm so reserved nowadays. I can't be myself. The 10 years old affair quarrel was basically about this, but you didn't want to talk about the subject.
2. When I was going through a horrible crisis, you backed off. I understand that you are only human. But still, you had some options to do something and you did not do any of those. I did not hear too much from you at that time.

Two/three weeks ago when we were in the park drinking, you said you would like to see more often, and that on the phone we only communicate about the everyday stuff nowadays.

Well, guess why? There are years and years you only wanted to talk about the small stuff, while I was dying to talk about the big things in life. And desperately missed someone to talk with. Going to the councelling was not enough. And for years and years I wanted desperately to see more often, to have human contacts, while I was buried in depression and troubles. And now that I have been getting better and my life is finally ok you want to see more often? Ok, it's nice to hear that and you never totally left me which I do appreciate. But do you really think that I would jump into your arms now and hug you and embrace the thought of returning to our friendship as it was years ago? Just like that. I'm sorry, but sometimes some things just get broken. Like in a long marriage. After all that there has been, perhaps you just can't forget and pretend that everything´s ok.

OP- I think you need to let your bitterness go, if you want your friendship to continue. It sounds like you are still feeling a lot of pain from when she shared information with her father that was confidential. However much you want to say to her what you have outlined above, I do not think this is a good idea! You either need to truly forgive your friend and move on, or accept the friendship has run it's course. In any friendship people do make mistakes/ do things that their friends may not approve of (maybe she disapproves of people lying/ having affairs?) Real friends accept each others faults. Good luck!

Miraxx I also agree with vic that you need to let go of this anger and bitterness to this friend, otherwise it is seeping through. It seems to me you are angry at her for lots of things in your life, and you don't seem to want to build a fun, interesting, supportive friendship. Good friendships are NOT like marriages and do require a lightness of touch, and a good deal of forgiveness often, for busy times, for things not done, especially in the early childrearing years (in which your friend has been more than busy).

You have to move on from the 10 years ago- after all, you were completely in the wrong for having an affair with a married man and she doesn't harp on about it now. I think you are more than even.

I am increasingly thinking that this friendship will not work for you, and to be honest, if I was your friend and you felt so bitter and nasty towards me I would simply want to move on. Let's hope your friend doesn't read MN.

Christ Almighty. You are nutty as a fruitcake and like a dog with a bone. Direct your friend to Mumsnet so we can all tell her what a saint she must be putting up with you.

It has been hard to understand, but you had an affair 10 years ago and confided in your friend, and she told her dad?
Firstly, why did you confide in her and give her that burden? If it was your secret, it was yours to keep and not tell someone, if you really wanted to keep it a secret.
Personally, I wouldn't be happy if a friend shared those kinds of secrets with me.
She probably needed to share it just as much as you did, with someone she trusted. Her dad.

And after 10 years, just forgive and forget or get rid, FGS!

Also, it's very straining for someone to be the only shoulder to cry on for someone who cries a lot. I know I get sad on behalf of friends and sharing all their pains in the long run must be quite damaging.
She was there during that time, perhaps not as you'd like her to be, but what if she got depressed and started having marital problems because she was too involved?

Sure, I unload problems with friends, but also seek to share good moments and get to lift my spirit too.
I don't make them responsible to support me emotionally.