just found DH in DD's cot

[sleeplessbunny]

where he had passed out drunk. I am still shaking. My first thought was "where is DD?" as I couldn't see her, he was taking up the whole cot. She was fine, curled up in the tiniest corner and hidden from view under (D)H's leg, but still.

There is no point trying to talk about it with him until the morning (or later) but I need to vent and try and get my own thoughts straight. This might be an epic post.

He has always drunk too much, it has got worse over the years though and now it is "normal" for him to have at least 1 bottle of wine every night. On a night like that it doesn't even cross my mind that he is drinking too much, his behaviour is usually fine, or at least unremarkable.

Since DD (1 yo) was born, he has given up smoking which he found very difficult and I think has contributed to his drinking getting worse. He used a particular book/technique to help him stop smoking and in the last couple of weeks he has bought the equivalent book for stopping drinking (but hasn't read it yet) so I am hopeful that he at least has the intention to stop. He has said on a few occasions that he wants to be able to cut down his drinking, but tbh I try not to engage him in conversation about either smoking or drinking as it always tends to end with an argument because our expectations are so different.

Anyway, obv tonight he drank way more than usual. I'm not entirely sure why, but SIL (his sister) and DN are here to visit, perhaps he just got carried away. But he was the only one drinking.

He must have come to bed about 11 ish (I had gone to bed early) but at around midnight he got up to go to the loo, made loads of noise, turned on all the lights etc etc. I was inwardly groaning and just waiting for him to come back to bed. Must have drifted off again and woke up with a start hearing weird noises on the baby monitor, went to investigate and found him sprawled in her cot.

Is it time for me to make a stand? I am so scared for DD right now, I am just thinking of all the other awful things he could have done without realising/thinking. He could so easily have just squashed her. What if he'd decided to take her out and dropped her? Am I an idiot for not having thought about this sort of thing before?

Right now I honestly don't feel safe with him in the house. I can't entertain the thought of going to sleep as I have to be awake to protect DD incase he does something else I haven't thought of. Am I over reacting?

My gut feeling right now is to tell him (in the morning) that he has to stop drinking or get out. To pour all the alcohol down the sink. But I know he can't stop, and so I'm scared of the outcome. I do love him, and 95% of the time his behaviour is fine.

WWYD?

[Margerykemp]

Offred- don't misquote me I never said or implied that the op should allow her DP to drink in the house. I absolutely disagree with that. He does need to stop drinking, both at home and elsewhere. There is no point in only stopping him drinking at home for him to just go out and get drunk and then come home drunk.

The important points I think you are missing here is that the op said that he has acknowledged he has a problem and wants to stop. This is very different from an alcoholic in denial who needs to be treated differently.

You said you had experience of kicking an abusive alcoholic out of your home. That is very different from getting a non- violent alcoholic out especially if he is functioning eg at work and could deny in court that he has a drinking problem at all.

If he goes to the GP and begins withdrawal treatment op will then have evidence that he is acknowledged alcoholic and will be in a better position if she wants to deny him access. You may have had a good experience of 'the system' but anecdote isn't evidence and there are many examples even on mn of dangerous dads who get undupervised access to their DCs.

OP give him an ultimatum that unless he makes an emergency GP appointment for medical treatment of his condition he has to move out of the home. Hopefully this will work esp if you can get his family on side.

[Offred]

A dry house is a house where he is not drunk and there is no alcohol Margery as the op suggested, it was here idea.

My ex was abusive, I didn't kick him out, he left I was talking about the aftermath. He wasn't physically violent. It isn't a different thing at all.

You cannot stop an alcoholic drinking. You can only stop him/her drinking around you.

[Offred]

He also was/is only an evening drinker and has never lost a job through work.

I haven't denied him access.

[Offred]

Everything you suggest Margery will make things worse. You suggest she take on managing his alcoholism. It is a ridiculous suggestion. Do you have any experience of this at all?

[Offred]

Ha! Lost a job through alcohol!!!

[Fairenuff]

the op said that he has acknowledged he has a problem and wants to stop

Sorry, margery I missed that, where did op say that?

[Offred]

And he hasnt acknowledged he had a problem and said he wants to stop. I don't know where you read that or why you think it would make a difference. An alcoholic who says "oh I feel terrible about my drinking, I have a problem and will stop" and then drinks so much he passes out in his 1 year old's cot and the only comment he makes on it is that pouring away the booze is an overreaction is saying "I am willing to tell you whatever I think you want to hear in order to protect my drinking. The drink is so important to me I will protect it at all costs"

[Offred]

This guy hasn't reached the stage of doing that though has he? He had bought a book and says he would like to cut down. That is nowhere near realising he has a problem.

[recall]

If he's bought the book to help him stop drinking, isn't that evidence that he acknowledges he has a problem and has to stop? He didn't wave it around to shut OP up, it sounds to me like he really wants to stop.

[AquaChoc]

frankly I am a little worried that the OP is SO hesitant in bringing this up with him, seriously this needs to be a frank direct discussion with you telling him that this is NOT on, it will NOT be tolerated any longer and that he needs to take a good HARD look at his priorities, and if he decides his precious alcohol is more important than his health, his DD's safety and life, and his marriage, then he can leave. Its.that.simple.

OP has he been violent to you in the past, why are you so scared of talking to him about this, already you are putting it off, then it will get minimized and then you wont talk to him and just 'hope' that he doesnt do it again. You really seem very scared of him, and thats not good either. Best wishes sorting it.

[scarletforya]

Oh my God OP. I'm worried sick for your DD having read this thread. You are not overreacting, if anything you are underreacting He could have killed your DD last night and you are worried about spoiling his day? Sorry but you are enabling him...Pouring the drink away won't work. You said he would have started a massive argument last night if you asked him to get out of the bed, so you obviously have no means of implementing a dry house. He will just ignore you. He has you complicit in his denial.

If my dP did this I would throw him out. There is no decision to be made, he made it already last night by almost killing your baby. That is terrifying. It is also terrifying me that you are continuing as normal with today. Nothing is normal now.....Please go to AlAnon and learn about addiction and it's patterns.

You can't make this man see sense, he thinks you throwing away his alcohol wa overreacting for Gods sake?! I would have called the police and had the bastard removed and charged with child abuse. Please for your daughters sake throw him out.

[recall]

I think it is realising he has a problem

[Anniegetyourgun]

In the OP she says he bought a book to stop himself drinking, like the one he had to stop smoking, but hasn't read it yet.

However, anything less than seizing that book and reading it cover to cover before touching another drop (which he isn't doing) suggests a lack of interest in the actual giving up bit. I do believe this is one of the times when the drinker has to know they could lose everything, before they take it seriously enough. This H does not sound like a bad man but he is neither in control of his drinking nor, at the moment, wanting to be, despite what should have been a major wake-up call. Buying the book is just a gesture until it's backed up with action.

[hectorthestandbyhawk]

Ask him to move out. He can't tackle a drink problem at home with a small child. If he loves you he will be serious about sorting himself out.

[Offred]

He bought the book to help him "cut down" he hasn't actually done anything towards recognising he is an alcoholic. When confronted with his dd's life being put at risk by his alcoholism his reaction is pouring away the booze is an overreaction and nothing else and he is off to drink at a family party today. That is an alcoholic a very long way off recognising the problem who is protecting his booze over his daughter's life.

[Offred]

And the op cannot help or make him realise and recognise he is an alcoholic. Only he can do this.

I think not engaging with the alcoholism is correct and it does sound as if the op had mostly been doing this. Carrying on as normal and calmly not allowing the alcoholism to rule your lives is correct I think too. I think if he drinks today at this party having told him (through this thread) that drunk him and alcohol are not tolerated in your house I think you need to stick to that op. I would not say anything else or get involved to try and stop him drinking today I would just go home without him an refuse to allow him home until he was sober. Just very calmly and refuse to engage with anything to do with his drinking.

[PooPooOnMars]

Does he not get how serious it was last night? Doesn't sound like it!

[AnitaManeater]

I kind of agree with Margery, it sounds very similar to the solicitors / court experience I had with DS1's father who was an alcoholic, drug addicted violent twunt. Bear in mind this is about 11 years ago and attitudes and practice has probably changed. I was also limited to which solicitor I could use as there was only one in my town who would accept legal aid cases as it was back then. Maybe Margery had a similar experience to me? The first time I went to my solicitor and asked about obtaining an injunction as he was harrassing and threatening us, shortly after he had left my flat. She said 'show me the blood and bruises' I didn't have any at that point as they had all faded.

Two days later he assaulted me so badly in the street the police picked up the case and I had the Scenes Of Crime round to photograph the damage instead. I was award a non molestation order, he got a suspended sentence and I was awarded compensation for the injuries and for the property he damaged. This was the man who came home so drunk and off his head on ketamine he shat himself and them vomited all over the Christmas presents on christmas eve. I caught him snorting cocaine off the kitchen worktop while DS was in the baby bouncer. The list is endless and is pretty horrific.

I found my solicitors attitude to be very 'devils advocate' rather than bulldog. Ex wanted unsupervised contact after I had managed to extract him from my flat (shockingly he found himself an OW who let him move in - lucky girl LOL) and I was basically told that we could use a contact centre for 6 months or so and then he would probably be awarded unsupervised access building up to overnight if we went to court. It would have been my word against his with the alcoholism , drug taking and violence. Even the violence wasn't seen as an issue as although it happened in front of DS it wasn't aimed at DS. This is also the experience my friend had went she and her ex went to court to sort out access. It was basically her and her ex's solicitor striking a deal in the court waiting room and the judge rubberstamping it.

I know this doesn't help the OP but if she does hurl him out on the streets on account of his alcohol problem alone, she is potentially opening the door to another problem. The alcoholic having unsupervised access and her not being able to monitor his behaviour. Such a difficult situation

[pumpkinsweetie]

Does he not realise this morning he could have crushed your baby? Or sudden infant death syndrome may have occured?
Nevermind about ruining his day for crying out loud!
What if, and what if he does this again?
He needs to & wants to go to rehab or some sort of drink management programme, if he cannot and will not do that im afraid you must temporarily make him leave until he is better.
This is an unsafe enviroment for your child

[Offred]

I bet if you got to the bottom of why he thinks he needs to cut down it would be the same reason he hasn't and hasn't read the book. "people are complaining about my drinking"

[PooPooOnMars]

Offred. I think you are being a bit harsh to margery. She has some valid points there.

[maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour]

Nice to see the thing he was most upset about was losing the alcohol rather than putting his baby daughter at risk

I'm so sorry you've been put in this position bunny. It's so unfair on you. But you know now what he is and what he's capable of, he's obviously in no position to put your child first and so protecting her will have to fall to you now

Last night should have been a huge wake up call for both of you. If you both brush it under the carpet for an easy life then you are both failing your daughter

[Bunnyjo]

The OP says that her DH has bought a book about stopping drinking, but hasn't read it yet. The DH has also mentioned cutting down drinking, but that their expectations are 'different' and any discussion always ends in argument.

I wouldn't necessarily say that OP's DH has acknowledged that he has a problem and wants to stop. Wanting to cut down is completely different to realising you have a problem and want to stop. Not once does the OP mention that her DH accepts he has a problem.

I would say his reaction this morning is very telling; he never acknowledged a problem and certainly didn't indicate a desire/need to stop drinking. In fact he thought the OP pouring all alcohol away was an overreaction yet he could, so easily, have killed his DD! To paraphrase Schnarkle - they could have been visiting a morgue and police today, rather than enjoying a family day out with everything brushed under the carpet. Although I believe the OP was referring to her DN, whose birthday it is, when worried about spoiling days.

Where I do agree with you Margery, is the need for her DH to leave the house, today. But, he needs to access all treatment/services of his own volition - this is something he has do because he acknowledges his addiction, not because he is threatened with being removed from the marital home. OP needs to ensure the safety of her DD, first and foremost.

[Offred]

My experience was between 6 years and now. I think if you don't report drug taking etc or do anything about it then it is harder to argue in court that you think it is a problem IYSWIM. It is harder to get them to believe you.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Surely the possibility that he might have unsupervised access at some point in the future, during which he may or may not drink while other people (eg his parents) may or may not be nearby, is less urgent a matter than having him put the child at risk in the family home right now ?