just found DH in DD's cot

[sleeplessbunny]

where he had passed out drunk. I am still shaking. My first thought was "where is DD?" as I couldn't see her, he was taking up the whole cot. She was fine, curled up in the tiniest corner and hidden from view under (D)H's leg, but still.

There is no point trying to talk about it with him until the morning (or later) but I need to vent and try and get my own thoughts straight. This might be an epic post.

He has always drunk too much, it has got worse over the years though and now it is "normal" for him to have at least 1 bottle of wine every night. On a night like that it doesn't even cross my mind that he is drinking too much, his behaviour is usually fine, or at least unremarkable.

Since DD (1 yo) was born, he has given up smoking which he found very difficult and I think has contributed to his drinking getting worse. He used a particular book/technique to help him stop smoking and in the last couple of weeks he has bought the equivalent book for stopping drinking (but hasn't read it yet) so I am hopeful that he at least has the intention to stop. He has said on a few occasions that he wants to be able to cut down his drinking, but tbh I try not to engage him in conversation about either smoking or drinking as it always tends to end with an argument because our expectations are so different.

Anyway, obv tonight he drank way more than usual. I'm not entirely sure why, but SIL (his sister) and DN are here to visit, perhaps he just got carried away. But he was the only one drinking.

He must have come to bed about 11 ish (I had gone to bed early) but at around midnight he got up to go to the loo, made loads of noise, turned on all the lights etc etc. I was inwardly groaning and just waiting for him to come back to bed. Must have drifted off again and woke up with a start hearing weird noises on the baby monitor, went to investigate and found him sprawled in her cot.

Is it time for me to make a stand? I am so scared for DD right now, I am just thinking of all the other awful things he could have done without realising/thinking. He could so easily have just squashed her. What if he'd decided to take her out and dropped her? Am I an idiot for not having thought about this sort of thing before?

Right now I honestly don't feel safe with him in the house. I can't entertain the thought of going to sleep as I have to be awake to protect DD incase he does something else I haven't thought of. Am I over reacting?

My gut feeling right now is to tell him (in the morning) that he has to stop drinking or get out. To pour all the alcohol down the sink. But I know he can't stop, and so I'm scared of the outcome. I do love him, and 95% of the time his behaviour is fine.

WWYD?

[AnitaManeater]

I also agree with Margery that it would be a very wise move to get her husband to go to the Dr's to ask for help with his alcohol problem. At least then it would be documented somewhere and could be used as evidence in a potential court case. You have got to box a little bit clever and not shoot yourself in the foot.

[PooPooOnMars]

Anita. The same thing is happening to a friend of mine at the moment. Her druggie ex has convictions for assaulting her yet he is now allowed to see his tiny children. It is supervised . . . by his mum! A mum who doesn't believe her little boy would ever do anything like that so can't be trusted not to leave him alone with the children. How long before he is allowed them overnight.

To top it off ss think the sun shines out of his bum because he had a job once, and have bullied my friend and made out that she has to allow him access without it ever having gone to court.

Sometimes the people you trust to do the right things and make the right decisions just don't.

[Offred]

The thing is, and I agree with the courts on this actually, that what the child needs protecting from is his alcoholism not necessarily him. From that viewpoint 6 months at a contact centre followed by a graduated agreement to increase the contact based on responsible behaviour is perfectly reasonable and is not in anyway the same as "getting unsupervised contact".

[Offred]

These things depend on the parent with care standing up to protect the child. The court wanted to make an order that my ex had supervised contact with his alcy mother supervising too but I refused to have this. There was no proof just my allegations.

[AnitaManeater]

Oh PooPoo. It's unbelievable isn't it? I wonder if the shoe was on the other foot and I decided to develop and alcohol / crack cocaine / anger management issues I would be allowed to see my kids at all? I'm sure social services would step in. Why do SS see this as wrong but the courts don't? I just don't understand!!

[PooPooOnMars]

Not all of them are capable of sticking up for themselves and their children. Sad but true.

My friend is only young. SS have left her with the impression that if she doesn't do what they tell her, leave her children with a violent druggie man, that her children could be taken away from her.

[FushiaFernica]

I am very concerned for OP and her DD. I agree with margerykemp and would add that the OP needs to sleep in the same room as her DD from now on.

[knackeredmother]

How frightening for you op. I'm really sorry I haven't read the while thread and am posting quickly on my phone.
This incident sounds like it could be the breaking point that will trigger him getting help to stop drinking. It certaintly sounds like he has thought about. However, he will need help to stop. I just wanted to say that it is really important he doesn't just STOP today ( you mentioned pouring all the alcohol down the sink). This is dangerous and he needs help to detox.
Good luck.

[AmazingBouncingFerret]

The OP's husband is trying to kid himself. He knows on some levels he has a problem (he's bought a book etc) but hasnt the strength to admit it outright and get help.



Sleeplessbunny you did the absolute right thing pouring the alcohol away. He has a big problem. The way he is behaving I think he needs a sharp shock to make him realise.

[Fairenuff]

It would be ok for him to stop today.

If he becomes ill call an ambulance.

They will stabliise him and get him straight into detox if that's what he needs.

He should go to the gp on Monday.

This needs immediate action because there is immediate danger.

Doing nothing would not be an appropriate response but please remember OP that you may be in shock. I know I would be. Just the thought of what could have happened makes me anxious for your dd's safety. It must be a thousand times worse for you so make sure you get some support for yourself.

I would strongly suggest going to your local Al-Anon and share this experience there. Their advice will be invaluable.

[scarletforya]

I agree with everything you have said Offred I also agree with hectorthestandbyhawk -he needs to leave and tackle his problem 'off-site' away from the home. He needs to DEMONSTRATE whether he can do it or not. The time for him being allowed to continue at home has passed. It is really irresponsible to allow him to remain in that house regardless of promises etc

The family home is NOT a rehab clinic, it is a place for the children to be safe. That is paramount. I disagree with you Margery about what you think will/might happen is he leaves, about him getting access. You seem to imagine no one will know the OP is telling the truth. That is not so. You are jumping to the worst case scenario.

You are telling OP to keep the dangerous alcoholic in her home so that she can 'supervise' him (impossible by the way, she can't stay vigilant 24/7, she needs to sleep) rather than make him leave because he might get unsupervised access in the future. So you're saying keep the child in danger all the time now IN CASE there might be a danger in the future? There is danger now, what's the point in fiddling while Rome burns? The access question is a bridge to be crossed when it comes.

No alcoholic can snap their fingers and recover overnight. It would trial and error at best -which the home is not an appropriate setting for. There must be zero tolerace for dangerous drunks around children and this man IS dangerous. He allows himself to get into conditions where his judgement is so impaired he climbs into the cot of a sleeping baby.

[scarletforya]

Also, OP it's not your job to police the drunk and keep him in the house, him being an alcoholic is HIS problem to solve; outside the house. That way if he succeeds you can decide what to do at that point. If he fails then you have mimimised the damage to your DD.

[AnitaManeater]

Scarlet The unsupervised access in the future is a very real possibility, as is the likelyhood of not being believed by courts etc regarding the alcoholism. I am speaking from experience.

It's not about not protecting your children, it's about keeping calm and rational thinking. Nobody thinks this is ideal. Yes he should leave the house, no he should not be pissed out of his face constantly but this threat has obviously been there for some time, culminating in his getting into his DD's cot last night. He needs help - thats obvious. It's not like the OP can throw him out right here right now as the OP's DD has the right to see her father and at some point this right will be exercised. If this can all be done in a calm controlled manner with OP's husband accessing the help he needs rather than waving a red rag at a bull then surely a more sucessful outcome is likely?

[dysfunctionalme]

I think OP and the child need help more urgently than the drunken skunk. He's a danger to them, and clearly uninterested in his child's welfare. Whatever he says, his actions have spoken v loudly.

[Offred]

Ok, some people can't/don't protect their children but that is not a problem with the system. If you do stand up and protect your dcs I do have faith that in the majority the system can be used by you to support reasonable behaviour.

Reasonable behaviour is not an alcoholic being denied any access to their children it is the children being protected from his/her alcoholism.

[FushiaFernica]

offred I'd rather she kicked him out, however the OP says she is going to show her DH this thread which makes me think she is going to stand by him, hence why I feel margery's approach is the best action for her.

[Offred]

I don't think you can claim an ex snorting coke off the counter as a child protection issue if you haven't either called the police thereby choosing the child over the addict at the time or established that there are reasons why you couldnt/wouldn't have done that at the time.

Courts do listen to concerns like that though and will go through a process of trying to establish the truth so they will order drug tests and supervised contact on a plan to eventually leave the contact unsupervised because the courts cannot, will not and should not be involved in mediating a private family dispute for a long term without any need. This is perfectly reasonable. If an alcoholic/drug addict can prove they can be responsible towards a child and contact why should they have to be supervised forever exactly?

[SapphireandFevertree]

Although he seems to acknowledge there is a bit of an issue he certainly hasn't demonstrated that he has insight into the severity of the problem. For the safety of your child OP he needs to leave untill he has stopped drinking. He may think that he can cut down but, as my DF always said about his drinking, the on off switch may work but the volume control is fucked, ie he may be able to choose not to drink but choosing to drink and controlling how much is clearly beyond him or he wouldn't have got so dangerously drunk last night.

But Withdrawel is an issue. Someone said in this thread that if your just an evening drinker you won't go into Withdrawel. That's rubbish. It takes a couple of days to withdraw and (never mind the dangers to him) if he is still in the house and gets confused and aggressive he a risk to your physical and your daughters physical and psychological health. He needs medical help to do this.

[Fairenuff]

OP if he will not agree to a dry house you could take yourself and your child to a refuge. This would make sure that it is on record that he is a danger.

It's a drastic measure but they will believe you and support you. Keeping that baby safe is of paramount importance, no matter how uncomfortable and difficult this is for you and your dh.

[Offred]

I don't think the issue is about him. I think it is misguided to say it is about him saying or leaving. It is about his alcoholism. His alcoholism is his choice. The op cannot work with the idea that she can have any effect on his choice to be an alcoholic. She can only limit the effect the alcoholism has on her and dd. I don't think she needs to reject him to reject the alcoholism.

[Offred]

No-one said if you are just an evening drinker you don't go into withdrawal, people suffer alcohol withdrawal from one night being drunk - that is what a hangover is.

What I said was that throwing away the drink of an evening drinker was not going to kill him (as suggested). What I meant was if he is an evening drinker he already suffers alcohol withdrawal for long periods during the day and he will have no difficulty finding and locating alcohol elsewhere if he feels like it.

[AnitaManeater]

I did report it. By the time the rather disinterested police came the coke had gone as had my ex. Nothing happened. It's also very hard to kick someone out of your flat. You say 'leave' they say 'no'. I made attempts to leave but with less than £5 to my name and no transport or friends / family either I didn't get very far. I changed the locks, he kicked the door through. I called the police, again, they said 'it's just a domestic'. I just love this assumption that everyone else believes you when you say you are in real danger. Doesn't work like that in my world

[Offred]

I don't think anyone is under the impression that imposing a dry house will actually cause him not to drink. If it did and if he became ill or violent then there is an emergency number for ambulance and/or police available.

[Offred]

They did believe you though Anita, they said he could have supervised access for 6 months. You wanted him to only ever have supervised access which is unreasonable for him and his dcs and the system if he had proved himself. There is always a structured withdrawal of supervised access anyway.

[Offred]

Basically they took it very seriously indeed. They didn't give me supervised access for 6 months. It was half that time. From their perspective the idea of it is to enable him to prove himself and you to see that he has done that. They thought it would take 6 whole months for him to do that.