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just found DH in DD's cot

232 replies

sleeplessbunny · 08/09/2012 01:49

where he had passed out drunk. I am still shaking. My first thought was "where is DD?" as I couldn't see her, he was taking up the whole cot. She was fine, curled up in the tiniest corner and hidden from view under (D)H's leg, but still.

There is no point trying to talk about it with him until the morning (or later) but I need to vent and try and get my own thoughts straight. This might be an epic post.

He has always drunk too much, it has got worse over the years though and now it is "normal" for him to have at least 1 bottle of wine every night. On a night like that it doesn't even cross my mind that he is drinking too much, his behaviour is usually fine, or at least unremarkable.

Since DD (1 yo) was born, he has given up smoking which he found very difficult and I think has contributed to his drinking getting worse. He used a particular book/technique to help him stop smoking and in the last couple of weeks he has bought the equivalent book for stopping drinking (but hasn't read it yet) so I am hopeful that he at least has the intention to stop. He has said on a few occasions that he wants to be able to cut down his drinking, but tbh I try not to engage him in conversation about either smoking or drinking as it always tends to end with an argument because our expectations are so different.

Anyway, obv tonight he drank way more than usual. I'm not entirely sure why, but SIL (his sister) and DN are here to visit, perhaps he just got carried away. But he was the only one drinking.

He must have come to bed about 11 ish (I had gone to bed early) but at around midnight he got up to go to the loo, made loads of noise, turned on all the lights etc etc. I was inwardly groaning and just waiting for him to come back to bed. Must have drifted off again and woke up with a start hearing weird noises on the baby monitor, went to investigate and found him sprawled in her cot.

Is it time for me to make a stand? I am so scared for DD right now, I am just thinking of all the other awful things he could have done without realising/thinking. He could so easily have just squashed her. What if he'd decided to take her out and dropped her? Am I an idiot for not having thought about this sort of thing before?

Right now I honestly don't feel safe with him in the house. I can't entertain the thought of going to sleep as I have to be awake to protect DD incase he does something else I haven't thought of. Am I over reacting?

My gut feeling right now is to tell him (in the morning) that he has to stop drinking or get out. To pour all the alcohol down the sink. But I know he can't stop, and so I'm scared of the outcome. I do love him, and 95% of the time his behaviour is fine.

WWYD?

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lou33 · 08/09/2012 02:58

I don't think you should try and see the funny side at all. I do think you have to use this to try to make him see how bad and potentially dangerous his drinking has become.

From someone who was with a man for 17.5 years (married for 10.5), who started out as a person who liked to drink a lot, but just socially, and spiralled downhill into a full blown alcoholic, I can tell you that it is more likely to get worse rather than better.

My now exh also used to claim he would cut down, and sometimes even stopped drinking completely for self imposed periods of time. But it wasn't really because he felt he had a problem or wanted to stop, it was because in his mind it showed him that I was over reacting, and real alcoholics would not be able to take a break. Which is complete rubbish, and I found it very telling that he would count down the days until he could have a drink again, and it would start all over again.

This went on for years before I managed to end the marriage. He would make my life a misery when he came home drunk, making a point of trying to get me in floods of tears, and he would never ever acknowledge how it made me and the children feel, I was the one who was unreasonable to him.

The more he started drinking the more controlling he became to me. He started complaining about how I dressed, saying I was deliberately trying to get men to look at me, and he wanted his wife to be invisible, and that was when I was just in jeans and a t shirt, everyday clothing.

One evening when I had gone with him to a pub, grudgingly, he instructed me that I was not to look anywhere but at him , and to keep my legs pointed in his direction the whole time, and not to talk to anyone else. I looked at the door once when someone walked in, as you do, and as soon as we left he got so angry about it, i was in tears within minutes. But to the rest of the world he was mr personality, it was only me who saw the real side of his drinking.

The final straw was when he was helping on a brief school trip with ds1, and was meant to come back by midday. But he didnt. Half an hour before the end of the school day i managed to get hold of him. He was v drunk, and meant to be collecting the kids by car. After the usual I am not drunk just tired conversation, I told him he must not drive, but walk to get them (I was too far away to collect them by this time). Ten minutes later he arrived with them. He had driven in that state to the school, picked them up and driven home.

I knew then that whatever he said he would always put alcohol over us. I just wish I hadnt waited so long to act, but the fact he willingly put our children, and all the parents and children at the school, in so much danger because of his drinking was terrifying.

Almost 7 years later and he still refuses to admit he is an alcoholic, despite it getting worse, despite being told by doctors to quit, and actually said to me a year ago he would not give up even for the children, as it is his only pleasure.

You do not want to end up in that same place with your h, you and your dd deserves so much more from him .