just found DH in DD's cot

[sleeplessbunny]

where he had passed out drunk. I am still shaking. My first thought was "where is DD?" as I couldn't see her, he was taking up the whole cot. She was fine, curled up in the tiniest corner and hidden from view under (D)H's leg, but still.

There is no point trying to talk about it with him until the morning (or later) but I need to vent and try and get my own thoughts straight. This might be an epic post.

He has always drunk too much, it has got worse over the years though and now it is "normal" for him to have at least 1 bottle of wine every night. On a night like that it doesn't even cross my mind that he is drinking too much, his behaviour is usually fine, or at least unremarkable.

Since DD (1 yo) was born, he has given up smoking which he found very difficult and I think has contributed to his drinking getting worse. He used a particular book/technique to help him stop smoking and in the last couple of weeks he has bought the equivalent book for stopping drinking (but hasn't read it yet) so I am hopeful that he at least has the intention to stop. He has said on a few occasions that he wants to be able to cut down his drinking, but tbh I try not to engage him in conversation about either smoking or drinking as it always tends to end with an argument because our expectations are so different.

Anyway, obv tonight he drank way more than usual. I'm not entirely sure why, but SIL (his sister) and DN are here to visit, perhaps he just got carried away. But he was the only one drinking.

He must have come to bed about 11 ish (I had gone to bed early) but at around midnight he got up to go to the loo, made loads of noise, turned on all the lights etc etc. I was inwardly groaning and just waiting for him to come back to bed. Must have drifted off again and woke up with a start hearing weird noises on the baby monitor, went to investigate and found him sprawled in her cot.

Is it time for me to make a stand? I am so scared for DD right now, I am just thinking of all the other awful things he could have done without realising/thinking. He could so easily have just squashed her. What if he'd decided to take her out and dropped her? Am I an idiot for not having thought about this sort of thing before?

Right now I honestly don't feel safe with him in the house. I can't entertain the thought of going to sleep as I have to be awake to protect DD incase he does something else I haven't thought of. Am I over reacting?

My gut feeling right now is to tell him (in the morning) that he has to stop drinking or get out. To pour all the alcohol down the sink. But I know he can't stop, and so I'm scared of the outcome. I do love him, and 95% of the time his behaviour is fine.

WWYD?

[sleeplessbunny]

Thanks everyone for your messages. I haven't had time to read them all this morning. So far DH has not said a lot but he does at least remember what happened. I have shown him this thread, he has read it. Little comment aside from saying (calmly) that he thought pouring it all away was an overreaction.
I have been chatting to SIL about it, she is very supportive.

DN's birthday today and we are all going out, don't want to ruin his day so I'm not going to harp on about it, but I am going to be firm about not drinking in the house. I will check the thread again when we get back.

Thanks everyone

[Offred]

Gah, sorry op but margery is so wrong about everything! You can get an alcoholic out, you don't need to have been hit, courts support, IME, reasonable parents (that's even if he takes you to court), your dd doesn't have to be put at risk during access, social services won't take your children for refusing to allow him to drinking or be drunk in the house, you can't help him stop drinking, he can't be there if drunk.

Although I was very fearful of the system and it was hard separating from an abusive partner with drink/drug problems I was really buoyed up by how great all the lawyers, official organisations and courts were. The police were sometimes very helpful and sometimes not but everything else was so so supportive precisely because I was fiercely fighting to protect my children.

[Offred]

X-post.

Pouring it away is not an overreaction. I think his response is a worrying under reaction. What are you going to do going forward?

[Athendof]

As if the not drinkjng in the house rule could solve the problem...

I think that you should be grateful that he didn't suffocate the baby last night, but that doesn't mean the baby is now safe.

I think he needs a good bollocking about stopong drinking all together rather than a slap in the hand telling him not to drink at home...

[Offred]

I mean if he drinks? If he thinks a dry house is an overreaction he'll probably start lying about his drinking...

[Lovestosing]

OP his reaction really, really bothers me. He does not take this seriously at all. My DH doesn't drink much but one night he came home in a bit of a state and as DD2 was a baby and slept in our room I made him sleep downstairs, I was worried his fumes might affect her or he'd knock the Moses basket over in the night, etc. Perhaps I was overreacting but I didn't want to put her at risk. If this doesn't give him a reason to stop, nothing will.
I feel so sorry for you and it must be so hard but I'm afraid this would be it for me, he would be out on his ear and if he stopped drinking, attended Al-Anon, etc for a decent amount of time I would consider having him back. Please think of your DD, she only has you to protect her.

[Sirzy]

I am glad you have spoken to you SIL about it, real life support is good to have.

I understand you wanting to keep the peace for your DN birthday but please talk to him tonight/tomorrow morning, if you keep putting it off nothing will change

[Offred]

I don't think the dry house is meant to solve the problem with the drinking actually. Nothing the op does or says can solve that problem. The dry house is meant to solve the problem of dd being put at risk by the drinking and nothing else really.

[Athendof]

He can respect the rule and still come home drunk and cause another accident. Or he can get in problems while he is outside drunk.

[EdMcDunnough]

Sorry OP, that you are in this situation.

I just wanted to add that I'm another person who never drinks around my children.

I don't understand the concept of drinking when in charge of small children or babies. A lot of people think it is normal but what if one of them is ill or has an accident - you can't drive them to a hospital, you can't make sensible quick decisions.

As far as I'm concerned your DH shouldn't be drinking like this - it puts all the responsibility onto you, whenever he 'checks out' by having a drink.

He's acting like a baby - literally in this case

I hope you can manage to work out a way through this, or out of it. Thoughts are with you.

[Athendof]

He needs to seek help, obviously he doesn't realise how bad things could have turned out last night.

[handbagCrab]

I'm sorry this happened to you op.

If he remembers can he say why he thought it was appropriate for a drunk adult to sleep with a baby in a cot?

I dunno, already you are leaving it because it's a birthday. It would be perfectly reasonable to sort this out rather than go to a birthday party IMHO.

Best wishes

[Sirzy]

Ed - to be fair there is a big difference between having a drink or two and still being more than capable of looking after your child and being so drunk that you end up asleep in the cot.

[Offred]

Op - I really think you should not get drawn into an argument over what he does about his drinking problem or whether he even recognises it is a problem.

You know it is a problem, you have assessed the risks to dd and to you. That is enough. You do not need to make any relationship changing decisions but you absolutely need to set out the basic minimum to protect dd from him if his choice is to continue drinking. Seriously the only way to protect a child from alcohol/a drunk is to not have alcohol/a drunk in the house. You would simply be saying "I am not kicking you out, I am saying because of how you risked dd's life I will not tolerate alcohol or you when you have been drinking in the house. It is your choice what you decide to do about this."

[Fairenuff]

Yes, a dry house means no drinking in the house and no drunks in the house, to keep the baby safe. Whether he drinks or not is up to him.

OP that was a massive under-reaction from your dh. Not a good sign, I'm afraid.

It will take more that the near death of your child for him to decide to stop drinking. This is the sorry reality of an addiction.

After all that, he is planning on drinking today? That tells you everything you need to know.

Please take this very seriously. Keep your child safe.

[Fairenuff]

Oh x post with offred

[EdMcDunnough]

Sirzy, yes, you're right. Sorry. I should make more of a distinction.

I think being so rubbish with alcohol - I mean not used to it, no idea how much would make me drunk, etc - I prefer to avoid it altogether.

But I accept other people have a better grasp of their own limits.

[EdMcDunnough]

Though you cannot legally drive after a drink or two - can you? I don't even know the law on that.

[Bunnyjo]

So far DH has not said a lot but he does at least remember what happened. I have shown him this thread, he has read it. Little comment aside from saying (calmly) that he thought pouring it all away was an overreaction.

Fucking hell! I rarely swear, but he could have suffocated your DD last night and he thinks pouring all the drink away is an overreaction?! I actually shudder to think what could have happened. THAT alone should be enough to tell him he has a huge problem with alcohol. Does he even acknowledge he could have killed your DD? Grasshopper has detailed what tragically happened to her DN and that could, so easily have been your DD. If he isn't moved to change by that, then he is an addict who will prioritise his need for alcohol over everything, including your DD's safety.

If your DH won't, then you need to prioritise your DD's safety and I'm glad your SIL is being supportive. Tell more people in RL and, personally, I would get him out of the house now. I have no experience of addiction, but I know that you cannot change him; any treatment needs to be accessed by him because HE wants to change, not because you want him to. Good luck OP.

Grasshopper, I'm so sorry for your loss x

[TheCountessOlenska]

sleeplessbunny will not kick her husband out.

He may stop drinking for a while, he may drink only outside the house for a while but he WILL start drinking heavily around the baby again. There WILL be another incident similar to this one (not next week, not next month but at some point).

Sorry OP, I grew up with this - I know how it goes.

[OpheliasWeepingWillow]

OP he should be mortified, ashamed, beside himself.

Instead he sounds rather blasé, and sorry to say you seem to be enabling that

I would not even entertain discussing the pouring away of the alcohol with him. Overreaction? Yes, tell that to the coroner when he suffocates your child in his sleep. Sorry but there it is. He has shown himself to be a liability.

[countingto10]

Sorry you are going through this. I only have one piece of advice and that is to run for the hills.

My first H was a full blown alcoholic, hiding bottles etc. He had periods of abstinence but always lapsed back and there was always an excuse. And of course I enabled him, made excuses, picked up the pieces and hoped for the best.

My turning point was similar to yours. My DS1 was about 18 months old and exH had yet again fallen off the wagon. Anyway he staggered past me on the landing and fell against me, severely bruising me and crushing me. That was my lightbulb moment, that could have been my DS. I realise then that my overwhelming duty and love was towards my DS and he needed my protection.
I took him and went to my parents that day and stayed there until I could get ex out of the house.

Immediately after I left ex went on the biggest binge he had ever been on. I had to go back to the house to see to the dog (walk and feed as parents couldn't have him). I did not engage ex at all, just left him to his binge. Next door neighbour knew what was going on and so did his gp as he had medical issues linked to his drinking ie diabetes due to wreaked pancreas. Gp told be to leave him until he was in a coma and then call an ambulance - you can't section an alcoholic. Anyway ex was so drunk that he fell down the stairs and wrapped himself around the stairgate. He had left key in door so me and my dad had to break in via an upstairs window and found him. He had been there a few hours.

I moved back in once the ambulance carted him off and refused to let him back into the house. It was the ony way. To be fair to ex, he never touched a drop again but I would never have had him back, would never have forgiven myself if anything had happened to ds1.

Sorry that was a bit long, but seriously this is your wake up call, use it to stop enabling your H. You should have removed your dd from her cot and left him there. Ideally you should have taken your DD and yourself away from the house last night and left him to it. By moving him to your bed, you enabled him.

I wish you the best of luck, you cannot make him stop but you can change how you deal with it and what you chose to accept.

[Schnarkle]

Today could easily have involved visits to the morgue and the police station for your family rather than a lovely day out with everything brushed under the carpet to spare a drunks feelings.

The absolute cheek to say OP was over reacting by pouring the alcohol in the house away.

[Offred]

schnarkle

[NellyBluth]

I sometimes end up on threads like this slightly defending a drunken DP/DH who has done something silly (you know the ones where the bloke gets drunk and ends up crashing on a mate's sofa and forgetting to call) but definitely not this time. You poor thing, that must have been terrifying. I think you would be absolutely right to set any boundaries you want to here, including telling your DH that you don't feel it is safe for him to be in the house with you and DD until he is starting to sort his problems out. This is incredibly dangerous behaviour and hopefully he will be able to understand that this time he has really crossed a line and has put your DD in avoidable risk.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. But nothing would be an overreaction in this situation.