feeling like an evil bitch right now pls come hold my hand

[cantfindamnnickname]

I have told my dh its over, I want a divorce and I am moving out.
I have also told the children whilst he sloped off to the pub, the 2 older ones are gutted and lots of tears and crying.

I went to see a counsellor this morning, I told him the history and the first thing he said was "he sounds very controlling" it was like a light bulb going off in my head, now I just need to stay strong.

back story is here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1550402-is-my-marriage-over

Please come hold my hand and tell me Im doing the right thing because my kids keep sobbing and its breaking my heart when its me doing this to them

I am sure you will be fine. Just keep on keeping on.

I'll hold your hand the best I can but still in the midst of it all myself so there is always the chance anything I say is rubbish!

Ending a marriage is hard and you wouldn't be doing it unless you really needed to, that is the thing you have to remember right now. tears will flow from everyone at the minute but eventually you will all be happier if you go about it the right way

Good luck

I just feel really cruel - I have bought this on everyone - its my doing and Im causing so much distress to everyone I feel like the lowest of the low

you have made the decision that is true but the reasons for it are not all down to you.

Would you be doing this if you were happy in your marriage?
Do you want your children to grow up thinking their parents aren't happy people?
can you be the parent you want to be to them while being unhappy?

You know in your heart what the right thing for you is and you've done it, it'll be a hard road but the view at the end will be worth it

I agree, you've had a long journey to get to this point and it's onwards and upwards from here.

It's all very new for the kids and they will naturally feel up in the air tonight, I think all you can do is keep talking to them when they need to.

If you focus only on you and the kids right now (never mind what other people might want to tell you, unless they're offering non-judgemental support), you will be doing the very best you can for them and you'll all come though it together.

Lots of hugs to you.

((hand held)) x

I could cry right now my middle one has gone to bed crying, the youngest has said he is going to get daddy a leaving present and the oldest has been sobbing and is pushing me away.
Hubby will be back home soon

Good luck.

I hope it turns out Ok for you, DH and DC

tell the youngest you'll take them to the shop tomorrow to pick something for daddy it will help them to know that you are supportive of them continuing a relationship with their dad.

Your oldest needs to know that you love them and it is ok to be cross at you you understand that they will be cross but it wont stop you loving them and being right their when they are ready to talk.

It will get easier, It's a month since my ex moved out and the kids are fine and settled and happy (most of the time) so it will be OK if you show them the way.

"I have brought this on everyone"

Surely he's brought it on everyone by being controlling? Is one of the crying children the son he called a 'fucking cunt'? Have they forgotten all the shouting and getting cross? Well done for standing up for yourself and I'm sorry you're taking all the flak. Good luck

You are making the right decision.

He called your child a fucking cunt.

that is enough.

Everything else is just adding to it.

YOU didn't do this, your H did.

Read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft, it will help you see the dynamic.

Once you have this straighter in your head, time to explain to the DC that how things were would have caused you all problems, that it was an unhealthy way to live and that you had no choice.

You will ALL start feeling a lot better soon. Keep talking to us, we'll help you through this. You will get there and life will be better. FOR YOU ALL!

Just reread your previous thread. You are absolutely doing the right thing in getting rid of this lazy, selfish alcoholic knobber. He will not change because he thinks of you as more of a disobedient pet than a human being. Life will be much better without him.

I'll hold your hand, because I've been where you are. And it's not your fault. You might have been the one brave enough to say 'enough' but you didn't instigate this. You tried really hard.

Right now, you and your kids are in the eye of the storm - me and my kids have been there. It passes, it really does.

Saffyx

lazy, selfish alcoholic knobber

SGB exactly as i remember you :)

You are doing totally the right thing honey .. Have a word with people in the kids lives though, school for instance, so they will get support and understanding there x

I don't know your back story , but please please don't think you are doing the wrong thing. I grew up with parents that blatantly hated each other and still do. It was horrible and I wish with all my heart that they had had the nous to end it, I would have been far far happier.

In my experience it's normal to feel as you do now, you are upset for your children who you wanted to have a perfect family life. Well from your previous thread its easy to see its not a perfect family life at all.

You have thought long and hard over this decision, you have done the hard bit in telling both him and your children. What should have happened is that he stayed around last night to tell the dc's together but no he slopes off to the pub I think that says it all.

Stay strong this is just the first step in your new happier future and I wish you well

Thank you everyone - feeling bit better this morning, I have told some RL friends and Im going to spend the day with one of them.

Have to tell my mother which I am putting off as she suddenly seems to think that dh is wonderful and that I should try and work things out and we should both compromise. the fucking cunt bit - she said we all make mistakes?? I cant work her out at the moment and she has made me very cross.

I have just bought the Lundy Bancroft book and I have started working through it. I am questionning whether or not he is controlling, I never considered that he was until the counsellor raised it. I work with abused women! I never thought about the possibility.

Good luck with your new start and freedom from hearing your children called disgusting names x

Time to start practising what you preach, honey.

The hideous things that are seen and heard at the frontline of man's inhumanity to wo/man can lead us to minimise or trivialise what's happening in our own lives.

For the sake of your personal integrity, you need to stop tolerating what you tell others is intolerable and any abuse of a child is intolerable.

Don't expect unstilting support from your mother, her comment about mistakes is all you need to know.

Attitudes like hers towards you is the reason you're in this abusive relationship.

The reason you can't see this is also something to do with your work. Go back and read all your posts, could you imagine any of the women you work with saying such things? Then my love, sadly you too are an abused women.

Thing is, at least you have access to understanding and support, and you have a great position from which to help those others.

Like them, you must now be brave, stay focussed, don't allow ANYONE to divert you from getting that man out of your lives.

Well done you it takes guts to do what you have done, remember you are doing this for yourself and your lovely kids they will thankyou one day once they have got over the shock and learn to accept the change , stay strong you are an amazing woman who deserves the right to a goodlife, hassle and stress free life from anyone or man who has made you suffer, take care Big hugs to you x

i am wavering and keep thinking about the good times we had. So I have come back to read my previous threads to keep me strong.

I've had STBXH trying to get back with me. The best thing you can do is to read your previous threads through and remember the hurt you felt. Stay strong, you're through the worst bit going back would make it even harder next time around (and there would be a next time). xxx

Dig deep, you have to carry on, you can't go back to that.

Well done, stay strong.

Read your past threads and also fast forward 5 years in the future, ask yourself really honestly how you want that future to be.

And whatever you do, don't take the blame all yourself. Be honest with the children- as appropriate. What I mean by that is don't go for the "mummy and daddy don't love each other any more", do go for the "mummy cannot stay with someone who says nasty things to you children so that we all feel on edge". Ultimately I have no doubt that your children will respect that decision and that rightness, even if they don't now.

As for your mum, I second the poster who said don't be taken in. Like you I have parents who think I should shut up and be more tolerant. I have realised after a long time (I'm 46), that their attitude is one of the reasons I have got myself into these kind of abusive relationships.

Good luck