Angry parents and suffering children, please advise me how to make it better

[FrauHolle]

my DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years. We have always been very temperamental and you could say volatile. He more so than me but I believe he brings out the worst in me.

We have 3 girls, one is nearly 4 yrs old, the other turns 2 shortly and the youngest is 1 yr old.

Our eldest is a delightful, intelligent and sensitive child. On her own she is a joy to be with but she says in her own words that she 'hates' her sisters and wants to be all alone with me. She often fights with the younger ones and ever since the middle one has been born there's hardly been a peaceful day in our family.

In the last year or so my eldest continues to insist that she is 'sad' and unhappy, she is often tearful and sometimes very aggressive and deliberately not listening when we call her or ask her to do things.

While that may be normal for a nearly 4 yr old I suspect it is something deeper there. My DH and I are not getting on, he screams at me so that even our neighbours can hear (one approached me and asked me if she can help). I often cry, I am at my wits' end, I shout at the kids, especially at my eldest and come down hard on her (a smack on the hand or bottom or time out) when she pushes, hits and is being nasty to her siblings yet I feel I'm doing her wrong and all she wants is my attention.

I fear my eldest is being affected by our marital discord but I don't know how to rectify it. My DH screams at all the kids and me often and doesn't help lots at home, I am struggeling to keep the household going while attending to the needs of my kids. We have a cleaner but I never have help with the children. I am exhausted and suffer from sleep problems. I want to be a good mum for my kids but I feel I'm failing them, esp. My eldest by not being able to reign in my anger and I don't know how to make my marriage work.

He calls me abusive names at the slightest issue and tells me to 'fxck off' and that I'm scum. I don't want to stay but breaking it all up might be worse my kids. And where will I go and how will I provide for them? I live very rural and with all the kids so young my chances of getting a job are dim, there are no daycare centres here and I have no family around.

It's all a mess and I worry my eldest will be scarred for life and suffer the most but I don't know what to do. I feel frozen.

speak to your hv and get referred to help - eg cousnelling for a start and parenting classes to give you new strategies .

it is hard with three under five at best of times.

get some counselling for you and move on from there.

change your behaviour if you can and let your h know that if he continues with verbal abuse it is over and he has to leave.

You have recognised the problem. That is the first step to try and free yourself of it. I doubt it will happen overnight, but you can begin the process now....

It won't be worse for your children. I wouldn't use this word lightly, but you are being abused. And that must be a major contribution to how your eldest is behaving.

There will be many along with much better advice than me, but your first stop should be Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/.

And as your neighbour has offered help, take her up on it. You need a friend.

your daugher s behaviour is communciating her unhappiness. she is only four years old. look at her see how small she is and vulnerable.

she is telling you things are wrong - and you recognize that.
focus on you and Dc for now - and getting help - that will then help you see more clearly where the marriage goes

FrauHollie, I have just had the same conversation with myself. My marriage has just slit up after a year of chaos, his mental health/drinking and me trying to cope but in hindsight the aggression and arguments that followed should have been the wake up. Yesterday my sns school suggested counselling as he (8) was struggling. I have spent the morning in tears that by trying to sort the marriage I have 'emotionally neglected/abused' him.

Like you it feels dreadful. So what to do? accept all the help on offer, and try and focus on the kids and their needs. I was once told being 'good enough' is enough, but it hurts like hell. Sorry I'm not offering any help but want you to no you are not alone and focusing on their needs has to be the priority. Good luck. :)

Hi feel for you FrauHolle and think Cestlavie may have a point about counselling etc... as this may take time to set up I'd do a few things in the immediate time:

1. Talk to DH and explain that the example he sets for the children is wrong. Children learn by mimicking their parents, if they see a mum who is being bullied by a dad they will think this is normal. DH needs to realise the impact his words and behaviour will have on the girls. He is the adult here, he needs to act as one. maguage and attitude cna be be controleld, he needs to start doing that.
2. Your 4 year old understands a lot more than you think so talk to her, take her aside and explain how you feel, explain what you said above, apologise to her if you think it is necessary. I grew up in a similar household to yours with my parents bickering continuously and my mother being very sad and had my mum opted to be more our "accomplice /confident" rather than using us a scapegoat, and smacking us and shouting at us when she was at her lowest, we'd gladly played the part.
3. Consider leaving you DH for a short period of time to get both time to think about what you want. Take th ekids to your parents. brother or sisters and take a break.

Good luck!

Thanks cestlavie, we are currently in Germany which has added to the feeling of isolation and the fact that we have no support network around us.

I suspect my eldest is an angry, sad, confused little girl seeing her mother cry or hearing her parents argue. I then come down like a ton of bricks on her when she is nasty with her siblings. I just can't change my husband, he has always been so hot headed and shouty. I have calmed down since having children but I'm just standing or sitting there frozen when he bawls me out. There is not 1 day in the week that we are happy. I just feel stuck as I don't know where to go. When I mentioned divorce he said he'll never let me leave with the kids and he'll take them off me. I'm scared of the confrontation.

When my eldest was 3 months old he threw me to the floor and strangled me until I nearly passed out. Thankfully she was asleep in her cot though the commotion woke her. When he gets angryvhe pushes and shoves me. I try keep it concealed from the kids but he cares nothing for who gets to see it.

God I could have written your post and will be watching this thread closely.
You are not alone.....its a terrible dilemma isn't it?

It breaks my heart too my eldest is suffering and like you, I'm also very isolated.

Only solution is to get rid of this man like i have done (altough the bastard still tries to remote control me despite the trial separation). I find I am a better mum when he is not around.Good luck op

Thank you all for your advice. I have spent all night and morning thinking carefully about my eldest's 'issues' only realising ,ore and more that she suffers from the emotional cloud of anger in our houseold and lashes out the only way she thinks is right. She is still so young and small but very articulate. She says Daddy always screams at her.

I don't want to break up the family but I am unwilling to let this continue. I have parents who are just toxic and unkind who always seek fault with me and tell me to st up and be quiet to my husband. I am an only child and have no siblings. I really am alone. I can cope if I knew my husband would support us but he is very controlling and I know he'd only pay support if I do as he wants.

He has often said he doesn't want a divorce and that I am going nowhere.

"When my eldest was 3 months old he threw me to the floor and strangled me until I nearly passed out"

Domestic violence, whether it's physical, verbal or mental, is just plain wrong and all the problems in your family stem from the poison this is creating. You're damaged because you're trapped and lashing out at those weaker than yourself. Your children are clearly being very damaged if they are exhibiting anxiety, stress and behavioural problems. You are unlikely to have 'calmed down' since having children... far more likely that you are protecting them by your 'sitting their frozen' reaction, hoping that if you submit, he'll leave you (and them) alone.

You have to make an escape plan. Don't know how you do that in Germany especially but in the UK you'd be talking to outside agencies like Women's Aid, Social Services or the police. If he doesn't care who sees what he does then you have witnesses to his violence and he wouldn't get custody of the children in a divorce. In the meantime, do you have any friends or family that you can confide in or spend time with? You need to get away before you come to even more serious.

"I don't want to break up the family "

If you were to leave with the children tomorrow it would be his behaviour that had broken up the family. It would not be your responsibility.

Thank you DryJuice, I wish you all the best and be strong!! I also find I am a better mum when he's away. No one to discredit me and yell at what I have done wrong.

"I know he'd only pay support if I do as he wants"

As part of your escape plan, talk to a solicitor. There are legal routes to ensure personal protection and financial support for families of abusers.

@OliveandJim, i have tried to talk with him. He thinks I'm being unraesonable and that I am unwell mentally. He goes quiet for a few days and then 'wham' another fight in front of the kids or just screaming at me or generally muttering putting me down.

@Cogito: I have just cried my eyes out reading your post and feeling the truth in your words. I honestly don't know where to turn to. I really do feel frozen, I am afraid to upset the apple cart. When I fight back he just gets more aggressive so I try and say nothing.

I don't have any problems with my younger two girls. Only my eldest is like this. I can't help thinking that it affects her more because she sees and understands more. And of course she has lived through this for 2 more years than the others.

Are you out in Germany with the forces?

I don'tknow if marriage counselling can help us through this.

No, BlackberryIce. We moved here last year from a longer time spent abroad.
I am half British, half German and my DH is English. We wanted to make a new start but we both miss the UK and are looking at relocating there next January/Feb.

Thank you onanotherday, I feel your pain. I spend my nights feeling a crap mother and uilty for exposing my children to this.

I have contacted a lawyer and will try and find out what he needs from me.

It's the day to day stuff I cannot manage so well. How do I try and be a better mummy while all this is going on. How can I shelter my kids?

I take your point cestlavie, I will speak to my eldest in bed tonight.

Your younger two girls are not old enough to be affected by what's going on. Yes, your eldest can see and understand what's happening enough to find it frightening, confusing and upsetting. I've had a quick trawl on your behalf on the internet to see if there is an equivalent of Women's Aid in Germany. The best thing I found was the European Network of Victim Support which seems to say that there are structures in place to help people like yourself. There are no contact details unfortunately but I wonder if you talk to your doctor or someone else in a caring profession, would they know how to help you?

I am now worried that he strangled you. You are clearly in danger if/when this violence escalates.

You def need to get away from this dk d of a man..... he is vile to your dcs and thinks that he owns you .......Run for the hills. There is no redeeming quality whatsoever there op.

Hi Frau

I know how it is to be in an angry relationship and trying to manage the children too - I am currently there. Now you have recognised what is going on, it will be easier to stop being so angry yourself - I found it easier to stop being so cross with my kids/finding it hard to manage once I realised what my H had been doing for so many years and started spotting all his tricks and ways of manipulating things. Plus now I have a plan to move forward, it is much easier as having no plan and just feeling stuck in the middle of a big mess you want to be different is REALLY stressful IME.

Try having a look at the emotionally abusive relationship support thread
HERE

Good luck and I hope you have easier days xx

Strangling someone isn't emotional abuse.

You will not be making things worse for your DC by breaking up. Don't think that.

@Cogito: i have just googled Frauenhaeuser, which are shelters for women and their children. I don't feel I am in immediate danger but yes that episode in Dec 2008 was awful. It came out of nowhere. It was NY eve and I had gone to bed early when he started to go for me.

As bb99 has posted, now that I have had confirmation from all of you that it IS ME and OUR MARRIGE that is upsetting my eldest I will find it in myself to sit on my hands with her more as I now know she is not being naughty or willful, just copying MY bad behaviour.

I will quietly seek a lawyer's council to try and muddle my way through the system. Otherwise I hope to return to the UK soon where I have more help and know my way around.

I will continue to post, thank your for letting me see more clearly. My youngest has woken up and I must check on her. Thanks for the link bb99, I will post there.