Angry parents and suffering children, please advise me how to make it better

[FrauHolle]

my DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years. We have always been very temperamental and you could say volatile. He more so than me but I believe he brings out the worst in me.

We have 3 girls, one is nearly 4 yrs old, the other turns 2 shortly and the youngest is 1 yr old.

Our eldest is a delightful, intelligent and sensitive child. On her own she is a joy to be with but she says in her own words that she 'hates' her sisters and wants to be all alone with me. She often fights with the younger ones and ever since the middle one has been born there's hardly been a peaceful day in our family.

In the last year or so my eldest continues to insist that she is 'sad' and unhappy, she is often tearful and sometimes very aggressive and deliberately not listening when we call her or ask her to do things.

While that may be normal for a nearly 4 yr old I suspect it is something deeper there. My DH and I are not getting on, he screams at me so that even our neighbours can hear (one approached me and asked me if she can help). I often cry, I am at my wits' end, I shout at the kids, especially at my eldest and come down hard on her (a smack on the hand or bottom or time out) when she pushes, hits and is being nasty to her siblings yet I feel I'm doing her wrong and all she wants is my attention.

I fear my eldest is being affected by our marital discord but I don't know how to rectify it. My DH screams at all the kids and me often and doesn't help lots at home, I am struggeling to keep the household going while attending to the needs of my kids. We have a cleaner but I never have help with the children. I am exhausted and suffer from sleep problems. I want to be a good mum for my kids but I feel I'm failing them, esp. My eldest by not being able to reign in my anger and I don't know how to make my marriage work.

He calls me abusive names at the slightest issue and tells me to 'fxck off' and that I'm scum. I don't want to stay but breaking it all up might be worse my kids. And where will I go and how will I provide for them? I live very rural and with all the kids so young my chances of getting a job are dim, there are no daycare centres here and I have no family around.

It's all a mess and I worry my eldest will be scarred for life and suffer the most but I don't know what to do. I feel frozen.

She's not copying your bad behaviour, she's more likely to be frightened and anxious at the atmosphere around her and doesn't know how to express it. Some kids in situations of extreme stress withdraw and become introverted. Others go the other way in an effort to attact attention.

You may or may not be in immediate danger but that is purely because you are acquiescing to his dominance. Should you do anything to threaten that dominance my fear is that you will be back where you were in 2008. The violence is in abeyance but the abuse continues. A women's shelter will understand that completely. Keep posting won't you?

can you get back to the UK at all, just for a 'visit' before you're due to return. Take your children to see a relative, and don't go back. Please please leave- your children and you need tobe safe.

Whereabouts are you in Germany? I'm in a German backwater too.

What Cogito said about your nearly 4yo - she is suffering from the situation, but it's not your 'bad behaviour' at fault. He may 'bring out the worst' in you, but he does sound abusive, even without the violence.

Cogito - no it isn't, but the thread has a LOT of stuff about all the BS that goes along with strangling someone and a LOT of good links to advice that include DV.

Believe me I know what it's like to get strangled IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS, and managing to break the emotional shackles is part of getting out and making a new life.

Frau - you aren't what's upsetting your daughter, that's not what I mean't. You're fine IYSWIM. It's the situation you're in that's making you emotional and makes it harder to deal with everything (IME, anyway) and the situation you're all in that's probably upsetting your daughter. Now you are starting to see what's going on, it will become (I hope, as it did for me) easier and easier to cope with the day to day and do whatever YOU need to do about the relationship, be hat leave (and DO leave straight away if you or the kids are in danger - houses and posessions can always be replaced, YOU can't) or try and work it out, or have a long term exit strategy.

Having a plan is so liberating and knowing what your choices are really helps.

Good luck xx

I just wanted to say that even though your younger children aren't voicing their worry or misbehaving it doesn't mean they don't sense the tension in the atmosphere.

If you can find a cleaner can you also find a kindly lady to help look after the baby and toddler? This would take the pressure of you a bit.

What a sad situation, so sorry you are going through this.

Corgito made the point that your eldest is not copying your bad behaviour, but perhaps she is taking her lead from your husband? If she has seen his rages at her and her siblings as you it may not be too much of a stretch to think she is internalising this behaviour and repeating it with her younger siblings. I am sorry to say that children of ANY age pick up on these atmospheres so all three will be affected, it's just often the very young ones do not show it till later on
But children can and do heal, when removed from these sorts of environments and given the right support to help them recover, support you will need also.

It sounds as though you have had such a horrilbe time of it and of course you want to protect your children and not let them suffer abuse, as you yourself are also so sadly suffering. As bb99 says the entire situation will impact your parenting, but this is 100% NOT and I repeat NOT because you are in any way a bad parent. You are just human is all and doing what you can in awful circumstances.

It is not your fault and you are making steps to change the situation. That makes you a brave and wonderful mother.

Just checking you're doing ok Frau?

Ok so he has been violent in the past then you had more children with him... Now his abuse is verbal but because you have dc with him he knows you stuck and he can get away with it.
You need to talk to d v helplines as there is a high risk he will be violent again espec if you try to leave.

You need advice to talk thru How to go about this.

Yourdd is a small confused child but old enough to copy behaviours. the younger ones know no different .

Getting away from this man with your dc has to be a priority. Was the incident in 2008 reported to anyone ?

Your dc need safe secure happy space so they are not broken . Turn it around . You would not be breaking up a family but saving you and dc from harm .