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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Doesn't want me to work.. BUT...

31 replies

onceortwice · 06/09/2012 18:52

... hates the fact I have some free time during the day now that the children are at school (one is only at nursery, so goes 8-11:30 and the other is in reception so 9-3:15, but the reception child has HFA so currently 9:30 - 1:15 until he settles a little more)

What can I do?

I am sick of taking it on the chin from my DH.

If I said I was getting a job, he would complain about the hassle for the children (esp. DS as he needs me there) but while I don't work, he tells me I have 3 hours 'off' per day (For what it's worth, I do ALL housework and we don't have a cleaner)

It's not fair is it?

I don't know how to stand up to him though. This is how I have been brought up. My mum is here this week and she is refusing to babysit (even though she is staying with us) to allow me to go out with some other 'new school' mums as I 'have to concentrate on the children'

This isn't normal is it? From either of them?

OP posts:

LadyWidmerpool · 06/09/2012 18:54

Absolutely not normal. He's not your boss! Your mum is out of order too.

picnicbasketcase · 06/09/2012 18:54

No it's not normal. He's being an arse. And your mother obviously is under no obligation to watch the children but sounds extraordinarily unsympathetic. Why wouldn't she want you to have friends?

rubyslippers · 06/09/2012 18:55

Horrible bullying behaviour from your family

tribpot · 06/09/2012 18:56

You say he hates the fact you have free time - what does he actually say about this?

JeuxDEnfants · 06/09/2012 18:56

He's probably jealous of the "free time" he perceives you to have as he is working... Maybe he doesnt really understand how much you do.

OneHandFlapping · 06/09/2012 18:57

It sounds like your dh has engineered a situation where you can't win whatever you do. You need to ask yourself why he likes keeping you on the wrong foot like this.

DontmindifIdo · 06/09/2012 18:59

not on, however, you need some independance - in your situation I would strongly suggest you get a job - your DCs will cope with wrap around childcare and it will give you a little independence from him.

Also, I'd stop inviting your mother to stay. If she doesn't want to help out, she can stop in a B&B.

JeuxDEnfants · 06/09/2012 18:59

Is he unhappy in his job?

Original poster

onceortwice · 06/09/2012 19:03

What really pisses me off is I don't get 3 hours off. I get 2, if you consider my 'free time' starts the minute DS goes into class and ends the minute my DD comes out of her class, so no recognition that I have to walk between schools, wait in line for my daughter to come out (she is 3, by the way)

So, say I get an hour off at best, which is still not 'mine' as I cannot go out of striking distance of DD's school. What am I supposed to do? COmplete a heart bypass in my hour off?

my mum seems to have a problem with the whole of society. I should not EVER socialise. EVER. To socialise is to put my children second. I'm sure they will thank me for that when they are teenagers, want to branch out on their own and I have no other life other than them. hmmm...

OP posts:

jkklpu · 06/09/2012 19:03

does he do anything with/for the kids when he's not working?

Original poster

onceortwice · 06/09/2012 19:04

No. He does not.

OP posts:

TheTermagantToaster · 06/09/2012 19:07

What do you get out of this relationship?

Anniegetyourgun · 06/09/2012 19:07

So, how many free hours does he get in between coming home from work and going to bed? And how many at weekends?

JeuxDEnfants · 06/09/2012 19:15

I know it's much easier said than done but ignore them both. It's your life and you are not harming anyone in fact time out is healthy. Stand up to them. They have no right whatsoever to tell you what to do. You can't get a job for an hour...

JeuxDEnfants · 06/09/2012 19:16

He doesn't do anything for the kids when he's not working? That's ridiculous.

clam · 06/09/2012 19:31

Well, I'd tell my dh what he could do with himself for a start. But assuming you're not prepared to do that, then I guess a possibility is to write him a list of a typical day/week.
No, of course you shouldn't have to, or need to, but it seems that he hasn't the ability to see things unless they're spelled out in words of one syllable with pictures to help, so show him.
And tell your mother to butt out.

RedWallflower · 06/09/2012 20:17

He sounds resentful, which is not fair. Do you want to work? I bet you're not just sitting doing nothing in all your "free time" either. Bet you use some of the time to catch up with the housework, shopping etc, as well as hopefully, having a cuppa with your pals, hairdresser etc. you deserve this free time, as you're a full time SAHM.
Your Mum sounds a bit mean. Ok, so it's not her job to bring up your kids, but to babysit whilst visiting, well, they're her grand kids, and you're her daughter!
You need to be assertive, and stand up to your spouse. And maybe have a word with your mum too.
I feel for you, my mum can be a horror at times!

Original poster

onceortwice · 06/09/2012 20:21

Funny thing is, I don't. I don't do anything for myself. I have perhaps 1/5 of the clothes etc., that my DH has. Maybe even less.

My mum doesn't feel I should do anything. she didn't and therefore I shouldn't. I shouldn't expect to go out on an evening. Ironically, she has had a pop at my husband because he thinks the same. Two peas. One pod.

I'm not strong enough. I am just not.

OP posts:

JeuxDEnfants · 06/09/2012 20:22

You are, try standing up to them and it might make you feel stronger?

carlywurly · 06/09/2012 20:37

God, they both sound a nightmare. And both are being unreasonable and controlling. You aren't your mum, you don't need to re enact her life which sounds tedious and unfulfilling.

Caring for children with HFA is exhausting (I know) and you deserve and need social downtime with adults. It's essential for your own wellbeing. I would have cracked up on several occasions without my friends.

I'd start thinking about part time work or retraining if you can. I think you need some independence from all this, and it will help you meet new people and gain some more confidence. I do feel for you, it's hard to stand up to these people.

RedWallflower · 06/09/2012 20:40

Why do you not feel strong enough? Have they ground you down, eroded your self confidence and self esteem? Your H sounds domineering, as does your mum. Why does he not want you to work? Did you work before you had kids? Is it financial reasons? Could all this be making you depressed?

RosinaCopper · 06/09/2012 20:41

Your thread has just reminded me of a thing in Only Joking on here from years back, I'll try and do a link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/only_joking/221409-today-i-didn-t-do-it/AllOnOnePage

Dozer · 06/09/2012 20:45

Your DH is massively unreasonable.

GeekLove · 06/09/2012 20:49

So what ARE you getting from this. It seems that he has mistaken you as a domestic appliance with a vagina attached and you mother thinks the same. I think he doesn't want a relationship as equals - he gets his laundry done and food cooked and sex on tap why not?
The thought of you having a life outside will rock his boat and the though of you expanding your horizon will spell an end to this.
He is NOT your Boss and neither is his mum. There wil be other posters who have been where you have and will have LOTs of useful advice.

PooPooOnMars · 06/09/2012 20:59

Can your dh not look after the kids so you can go out with your friends?

Your mum has no right to dictate whether you socialize, you're an adult, none of her business. Don't ask her to babysit as its only setting you up for her judgement and criticisms.

As for your dh, have you tried having a serious discussion with him about how unreasonable he's being?

I get the same amount of time as you and it goes so fast! I still can't keep up as i try to get exercise in that time and try to find work in that time as well as doing the cleaning, running the errands etc.

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