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Relationships

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Original poster

Have you ever done The Rules on a man?

63 replies

AnuvvaMuvva · 06/09/2012 18:49

I know it's an unpopular book on here! But I loved it and wondered if any of you had ever followed it when you were dating. Did you follow it to the letter? What bits were the most helpful? Which bits did you disregard?

And did it work?! Did you marry the man of your dreams??! Please share!

OP posts:

garlicnutty · 06/09/2012 23:04

If you're seriously looking for dating advice, OP, I'd recommend Baggage Reclaim over any of the crap on the self-help shelf :)

Florence91 · 06/09/2012 23:10

I don't like things like The Rules or Why Men Love Bitches, but the latter book was actually quite useful to me. The thing is, as a feminist I know I should hate it, and it is quite cringey and awful at points. But the thing is, I'm a bit of a mug when it comes to just giving my whole self to a man. I'm fairly confident but I'm also ridiculously generous and giving, in a bad way. I'll let a man treat me badly because I assume he didn't 'mean' to and if he apologises I'll be very generous of spirit when I SHOULDN'T be, and it just means I get absolutely trampled on. So Why Men Love Bitches actually gave me a bit of much needed kick up the arse and I started trying to be a bit more in control, a bit less 'good girl', etc.
In principle I think it's a load of tosh but in practice it did actually help me a bit. Although I'd never admit that to my friends or to anyone in RL.

popsypie · 06/09/2012 23:16

The rules is about self preservation and maintaining a life whilst having some fun dating. It helped me to stop being so into men straight away and move on from uninterested men with my dignity in tact!

Paralympia · 06/09/2012 23:19

Yeh, I must read that book. I'm a feminist too. But I have had relationships with some right arseholes. I'm with somebody lovely now, but at the beginning I felt a bit 'invaded' or something being with somebody who was so lovely all the time, i can't explain it well but when you're used to men being quite disconnected from your needs, it can feel totally overwhelming to know that somebody is actually aware of your needs and keen to meet them. kind of wrecked my head a bit to begin with, nearly panicked and dumped a really lovely man.

mercury7 · 06/09/2012 23:51

doesnt alot of it just come down to 'the principle of least interest' ?
Ie the person with the least need has the most power

akaemmafrost · 07/09/2012 00:14

For about five seconds. I couldn't keep it up, I am far too needy!

Proudnscary · 07/09/2012 07:18

I agree it's more for New York women jostling for eligible men and trying to hook a trophy husband by not calling/responding or sleeping with him for yonks.

I met my dh one day, went for a curry the next, got horrendously pissed and slept with him. Never even occurred to me whether he'd respect me or not, or call me or not! We got on really well and liked each other and were just kind of together from then on. That was 17 years ago.

I know things have changed dating wise these days but I think game playing simply means you are not being yourself, he is being played or up for being played..and it's all bullshit really.

Saying all of that, I agree it could be helpful for women with lower self esteem or those who are too full on or clingy.

pombal · 07/09/2012 08:16

I did it with my husband . Take it with a pinch of salt, but it helped me to not always be wondering if he was 'the one' early in a relationship and to stop believing there was only one type of man who was right for me.

fluffyraggies · 07/09/2012 08:23

See i bought this book out of interest (cheap on amazon) after reading a thread about it here. I wanted to read the part of it that deals with wanting your long term partner to propose, but not wanting to ask him to. Not for the dating stuff.

It mostly centered on similar things to the dating advice. ie just because you're living together you don't have to be constantly available. Physically and emotionally. Have a life basically. It sounds obvious stuff but sometimes you need it pointed out.

Anyway - about 2 weeks after i read the book my DH proposed! (Pure coincidence, as i hadn't had the chance to implement anything it advised)(i think ).

VintageEbonyGold · 07/09/2012 08:54

I probably need more help on how to be a giving and needy woman than how to be a unintentional bitch.

I am awful at dating and have been "told orf" for not dropping everything for the guy I'm dating. I have hobbies/work etc but when dating find this annoys guys, yes I'd rearrange things easily but not drop them completely.

Maybe I'm just meeting twats but maybe I am a dating bitch. I am kind of ocd'ish about time management and like my own time but guys seem to want the always available woman?

WaitingForMe · 07/09/2012 09:06

I was like you Vintage and thought I was great at dating!

My unavailability seemed to encourage them.

NCForNow · 07/09/2012 09:13

I was taught the basics of The Rules WAY before that book was written...by my Brother in Law!

I was 15 and had my first boyfriend and BIL could see me getting all wrapped up in him and he said "Never go to them...let them come to you...and don't call him...wait for him to call you. If he's interested in you, he'll walk miles to get to you. If he's not bothered he won't call."

I listened too.

cory · 07/09/2012 10:05

Sounds like the kind of advice that would be dished out by a Victorian nanny. "Don't be too forward, dear, men don't like fast girls".

Dahlen · 07/09/2012 10:14

It's all a load of old bollocks that plays into outdated gender stereotypes and sets up relationships on the basis of predator and prey.

It's not rocket science. No one (apart from saddos) likes a person who is clingy and needy and planning a wedding and babies on the second date, but provided you're not that bad, if you like someone, just tell them FGS. Being honest, open and 'giving' during dating does not equate to being a doormat/too available if you have decent personal boundaries and a life in the first place.

ClippedPhoenix · 07/09/2012 10:29

Aren't the women who wrote it now divorced

HazleNutt · 07/09/2012 10:37

In a way. It's really is if you're not really that interested in the guy. Not a problem to not call or be busy when he calls and wants to take you out etc.

Does it work to keep the man interested? Like a bloody charm, could not get rid of those guys I treated like that - awfully, that is.

Is it a good basis for a loving trusting relationship? Of course not. I never developed enough interest in those men to pursue anything more serious either, one of the reasons being that I could not respect a man who is happy being treated like this. (no, I'm not proud of myself and I should have just put them out of their misery. this was many years ago though and I was young and stupid).

If it's right, it just works, no games necessary.

Paralympia · 07/09/2012 16:39

I don't think that taking this advice precludes you from having a good honest relationship with somebody decent... Because it's not a technique, ie, filling your life with activities so that you appear interesting. Some people more than others need to be reminded to nurture themselves and their own interests for their own sake. Also, if a man puts pressure on you to stop going out with your own friends, or studying or to the gym or whatever.... then, that man is too controlling and is not a nice man.

Paralympia · 07/09/2012 16:44

I agree that there's a difference between not being too available and claiming to be busy when you're not! That would be a bit pointless imo. Treat people as you'd like to be treated yourself, obviously, but it doesn't always come naturally. I was in an abusive relationship. Why did I put up with it?! who knows...... :-( I wish I'd read these books in my 20s. I wish I'd read two or three of them in a row after a guy I was mad about dumped me instead of sleepwalking into an abusive relationship when I was vulnerable and had low self-esteem.

TalHotBrunette · 07/09/2012 17:00

I could have done with that book in my teens (needy and pathetic) . By my early twenties through trial and error I was a pro at being aloof and treated people badly.

I strung along an amazing guy for literally years because I refused to admit I genuinely liked him and wouldn't let him get close for fear of seeming "overkeen" (although I was happy to sleep with him?). That backfired, he summised that I didn't have feelings for him and he is now with someone else who obviously wasn't of the treat 'em mean school.

I am happily married now and have dc with a nice, decent man who doesn't live at the gym, go out every weekend or play games. Ten years ago I wouldn't have even looked in his direction.

BerylStreep · 07/09/2012 17:13

The Rules didn't help me find the man of my dreams, but it did help me to realise when people aren't that interested. I always struggled with the not paying towards dinner part.

Actually, the most helpful book for me was 'He's just not that into you'. Absolutely hilarious, but uncannily prescient.

BerylStreep · 07/09/2012 17:16

And as for extracting proposals, (if anyone knows me, I will have completely outed myself) my motto, is 'No diamond, no deal'.

It worked.

Paralympia · 07/09/2012 17:24

I think I used to work with you Beryl!!

Paralympia · 07/09/2012 17:28

So Beryl, and I'm visualising you here now as the girl I used to work with, what would you think when you've already had a few kids, you're in your early forties, you'd quiiiite like to get married but you wonder if there's any point insistig on it when you're not going to have any more kids.... would you still say no diamond no deal!? and what is the deal?

BerylStreep · 07/09/2012 19:11

Paralympia, really, you know me?? (wracks brains for embarrassing posts).

In your case, I think the deal may already have been done, sans diamond. In which case, you need to be going for the eternity maternity rings.

WaitingForMe · 07/09/2012 19:21

I kind of followed Beryl's no diamond, no deal. When DH and I were discussing moving in together I said having a baby needed to be in our future (he had two kids and had originally said he didn't want any more). I said I was happy to wait until he was ready.

When we were living together the house he said he'd love to one day buy came on the market. I said I needed a date for trying to conceive before I'd buy property with him. We agreed a date. The house didn't happen but we started hunting in earnest.

At that point I figured I was ready to marry him and proposed

I didn't see it as game playing, rather being unwilling to commit to things unless they fit with the things I wanted. I didn't want to find myself five years down the line with a joint mortgage and a man who still wasn't sure whether he wanted another child.

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