What Now?! Long...sorry!

[goosebumples]

DP & I been together 4 ½ Years, have a DD (10m) and I have DS (13) from previous relationship.
Don't really know where to start; I don't really know how I ended up like this. When we first got together we were a very passionate couple, I had never met anyone I was that compatible with on so many levels. The sex was good, we got on brilliantly both happy etc.

There were some issues in the first few weeks as I suspected he was still lingering around his ex before we became serious (coming up with the most ridiculous stories to hide it). I got pregnant in the 1st month or so and after talking it through, although it helped us make the decision to have a serious relationship, we decided to terminate. Except he left me to deal with it by myself, and later threw it in my face and said he thought I had lied and never really had the termination! The fact I was bed ridden for a few days with some awful problems afterwards conveniently forgotten...

I think this left me insecure as I became really quite irrational, drinking a bit too much, starting arguments over nothing and getting angry and jealous where I hadn't been before. I was also quite destructive and my go-to stress relief during a row was to throw/break things! mostly his stuff but mine too. I was violent and aggressive. Things came to a head and got really bad and I realised I was going to lose him and potentially the best relationship I'd ever had. So I bucked up my ideas and stopped behaving like that, I knew it wasn't fair or right and I was destroying things. I'm not perfect; I still get mad and argue like everyone else but I have stopped that aggressive unreasonable stuff from before - this was about 3 years ago!

Then we went through a phase of him going totally off sex, all the affection died and it was breaking my heart that we seemed to be living separate lives. It may have been caused by me to start with, but after I changed and went back to 'normal' he became worse iyswim? So things were difficult but we got past it and were rubbing along ok, not the loved up couple we were but still in love and wanted to make it work. I always knew he drank more than what I thought was 'normal' (must find a better word than that!) but it didn't cause a massive problem so I just tried to discourage it.

When I became pregnant with DD he gradually started to change and now my life is unbearable, I can't see a way back to happiness from this misery and TBH don't even know if I want to anymore. His drinking and behaviour is appalling, most of the time he doesn't care as he doesn't remember what he has done or has convinced himself that I must have done something to make him that way. He is just mental, in the same sentence he has asked if I want a cuppa and when I said no thanks called me a bitch, slapper, whore etc! WTAF??!! At 5 months pregnant, it was my 30th and he had me round the throat screaming he wished he'd kicked the baby out when he had the chance. He has spat on me, called me a fat cow (the day after I gave birth), says disgusting insulting things about being intimate with me, tells me I smell etc! He has headbutted me and slapped me once or twice. He is just vile when he wants and really knows how to hurt me, emotionally and physically.

At the start I was violent towards him (threw stuff at him, slapped and kicked) when I was being insecure after the termination so I don't really feel justified in complaining about these things. I was wrong and I stopped behaving like that, not an excuse but just want him to stop now too. And I think it's fair that his level is escalating beyond where mine ever went.

He is already using our daughter as a weapon, tells her I am a shit mummy, I don't look after her properly etc. This from a man who spilled a pint of cider on her at 6 months when pissed and tried to pretend he hadn't! When I made him admit it I got the bollocking for 'just going out of my way to start an argument'! He has done other stupid man-mistakes where DD is concerned which I have never held against him as he is learning but he tells my baby girl I am an evil useless bitch He never plays with her, avoids looking after her and is very tit-for-tat (i.e. left her in a dirty nappy when I was in the bath because he changed the last one) Despite how much I HATE him some days I have never done/said anything like that about him to her and wouldn't.

He has also come to resent my DS who now avoids home as much as he can and stays with his dad instead. DP has verbally abused DS months ago and was showing signs of aggression towards him, TBH, I went mental and said if he ever did it again we would be over. He realised he had crossed the line and that stopped, then he did it again last night! DP was calling me names, trying to stir up a row and when DS said that's not very nice, leave my mum alone DP started yelling 'fuck off and mind your own business you little shit' etc. I honestly don't know how I kept my temper in check. He is always arguing with DS and I have seen him try to find things to tell him off for. He bullies him - he is 35 FFs I know teenagers are difficult but he is worse!

I feel like it's over and don't really know what to do. I have told him things are over before, he just says I'm not going anywhere, I love you we're just having a hard time etc. I have said this is more than that, he is destroying our family and it is his turn to change or lose everything but nothing works, he just goes back to being the same nasty bastard night after night. He sleeps on the sofa and as soon as the kids are in bed I avoid him, go to bed myself anywhere as long as it is in a different room to him.

To make matters worse (expects massive flaming) an ex has been in touch, one I never really got over. He is telling me things like I am beautiful, sexy, he would give anything for us to be together etc. It is v flattering and the only thing I have smiled about in months but upsets me too because my DP obviously doesn't think these things about me anymore, and I really didn't think anyone ever would. I am due to attend a reunion in a few months and I am worried that with all the emotional fuckwittery from DP and after a few drinks I will end up doing something stupid and have a drunken grope with the ex that will be there. I am already thinking like that which is bad enough. I just crave someone who is nice to me. The recent thing with the ExP is something and nothing really, it has just opened my eyes that maybe not everything DP thinks about me is true.

Sorry for the LONG rant I just don't know what to do. I think I want this to be over but deep down I know we made each other happy once and I just wish there was a way back to that ? is there?

With you all the way Goose. My sorrow comes from leaving it so long and not heeding my inner ' this is not right' voice. Got tied in knots - as often the case once dc come along I suppose- but also never knew what self determination felt like. Always just fell into step with life and events. It worked out in terms of my work and friends but not with what i hoped would be the central relationship of my life. From which caring loving parents would help give their dc's what they sadly lacked or had to deal with in their own young lives. I feel ashamed that it has taken me so long to stop being helpless and call it as it is. For the dc's ( though they dont see it) will have paid a price for my stupidity in not seeking help sooner.

6 years of increasingly intensive cycles of hoplessness and fear that whatever I do I'll be damned. 6 years of sheer bloody pain putting up with silent treatment and mind games. 6 years of feeling so trapped I could't breathe.
2 months of massive support from amazing siblings and the reading of hugely informative posts on the EA forum plus spot on insight from a Relate councellor I have finally started out on a more self determined path. I don't know where it will lead but my life starts here. Better late than never I guess!!

You really don't have to be reasonable you know. No-one is going to reward you for it, and it will not make him act more reasonable towards you in turn. Far from it: where you see "acting reasonably", he and people like him see "opportunity to take advantage".

Lostin ? I am inspired! It is clear to me from reading about your situation (and others on here), that I have not had the worst time, or put up with it the longest. It does help me see that if I don?t get out now, I will just be facing the same dilemma in X number of years. And a massive well done to you too, if it?s this hard for me, I know how difficult it must have been for you. Keep up the resolve, and the inspiration to the likes of me!

HotDAMN ? I know you are right. Neither of our families are aware of the extent of the problems we have/had (they know a little more now), so they all think I should be trying to work this out a bit more. My fault I realise, I am not very good at articulating myself to them! Friends think that letting him stay until DDs Birthday and giving him the chance to find somewhere is ?fair?. So by doing this one last thing, and holding my head up through it, keeping my head and heart strong I am seeing it as my way out. If I do this, he has no more bargaining power. I have made this very clear, down to the date marked in the calendar and locksmith booked ? he knows there will be no extensions. If anything I am hoping that my detachment from him, and my determination that this IS over, and there is NO going back, will make him want to go sooner. I live in hope. For 7 weeks at least, and then I will live in happiness and freedom.

You should spell out what has been happening to your family and friends. You could write it down if they're not good listeners/you find it hard to say.

Chances are, he'll do nothing to look for a place in the next few weeks and you will be in exactly the same spot you are now.

There is always some special event coming up - think about it, in 7 weeks you're going to kick him out- only a few weeks before Xmas? There's loads of potential for emotional blackmail there.

And in the meantime, you're at risk of being worn down by him and your ds is suffering.

Thanks dequoisagitil - that's good advice. They are good listeners and would support me/us/the DC - it is all me hating having to talk about anything other than the weather! typically British . They know enough (now)without me having to drag everyone in to my personal drama! I will never like talking about these things but I do know the support from my family is there.

I have said that to him when the 7 weeks turned into "7ish, you know, depending on where I'm going, money etc". So I made it very clear then that it is 7 weeks only and no more. I have actually booked a locksmith and I have explained this in small words so he will get it to him.

He did go and see the GP yesterday, has got an appointment booked for next week to do blood tests and is waiting for an alcohol community support group to contact him for reguar sessions. This is the most serious step he has ever taken but tbh, I still don't know how I feel about it. I think he is doing for my benefit and atm I don't have much confidence that it will work anyway. This does make me feel like a bit of a bitch, that he is, at last trying which is progress.

But I still feel like it's too little too late. Either way it makes no difference to me, which has also been made clear. It doesn't matter what he does/doesn't do in the next 7 weeks, he is going anyway. If he can stay sober, get counselling and really change then great maybe we can talk. But he still needs to achieve all of that away from me/the DC, and it will take him a long time. I am not prepared to get drawn in.

Not so much having a wobble?.but could use some advice!

For those who have persevered with me and read this thread (firstly, thank you!), DP was asked to leave 8 weeks ago, he asked to stay until DD?s birthday which is now 12 days away not that I am counting

So?things have been very strange, not better, not worse ? nothing has changed really. He has made little to no effort to find anywhere to live or to convince me that I?m making a terrible mistake, which I know I am not. I expected this, that isn?t really the issue. He has tried to extend the leaving date with various tactics that I knew he would. I have been clear that this is final etc etc.

He has started to pack a few things and looked at a few places to live, but I am not convinced he will be in a position to be gone/go by the ?agreed date?. He swings from being nice and helpful to angry and resentful. I avoid him all the time and on the rare occasion I/we have tried to talk it just ends up with him being angry and me walking away.

Sorry, I know I am rambling ? I will get to the point! How do I cope with:

a) The feelings of sadness when I see him packing, think about him being gone? I know I am doing the right thing, I want him to go and I know I have to follow this through. More often than not I can?t wait for him to be gone and I am happy at the thought, but it doesn?t make it any easier to see what I thought was ?it? for me ending. Especially when he can sometimes make me think I should support him more through this and his /my family ?wish we could work it out?. So did I, but we can?t, simple. I?m just struggling a bit when it comes to firmly putting all these feelings aside and pushing forward. How do I ignore the inner wimp? crush her

And b) when ?the date? comes, how do I approach it? I am prepared to be brutal. He has had plenty of time and done as little as possible to be in a position to go so he will get no sympathy from me. I have arranged a locksmith, booked the day off work and got boxes ready for his things if he hasn?t gone/won?t go by then. But any advice on how to handle this, practically and emotionally would be a huge help!

Thank you for your advice and support so far. Reading my own thread back, and your posts, has kept me focused and determined. I could just use another round of wise words for the last push to independence.

Hello lovely. Well done on getting though these weeks. I think you know what you need to do.
a) if you know you're doing the right thing now you'll definitely know it after he's gone. You ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
b) this may well come down to the nuclear option....packing up his things on D day, leaving them outside the front door and changing the locks? There are worse things that old happen to a person. Read your OP again and his treatment of you whenever you start feeling sad/harsh. If he cuts up rough you call the police, immediately. He will be removed.
If he's still sober he's been able to think straight for weeks and take steps to sort himself out. He doesn't believe you will follow through. You must.

After this your life and that of your little ones partic your son will soar on an upward trajectory and you will have taught your son what self respect is.

Keep us posted, am sure more advice will follow! Keep us posted treacle x

I just wanted to pop on a quick update to let you all know I did it ? he went! By the date I told him and there is definitely no going back. It has been wonderful to have my home and my life back. I?m exhausted with work and looking after the house, children and the pets but it is worth it. I get to spend time with my children and not have to worry about a huge argument exploding over nothing at all!

There are still some issues to resolve like childcare and child support but I can/am working through these things. He is still struggling to accept it is over but that will take time and he is getting there. And now that he has gone I know for sure that there is no going back ever, no matter what changes now. I had forgotten what it?s like to be this happy, I feel free ? like ?me? again.

Thank you all for your wise words and support ? now I am finally moving on with my life and my beautiful children!

x

Have just read your thread and am s pleased by your last post. Well done op. onwards and upwards here's to a new calmer happier life with your dc.

Well done you!