What Now?! Long...sorry!

[goosebumples]

DP & I been together 4 ½ Years, have a DD (10m) and I have DS (13) from previous relationship.
Don't really know where to start; I don't really know how I ended up like this. When we first got together we were a very passionate couple, I had never met anyone I was that compatible with on so many levels. The sex was good, we got on brilliantly both happy etc.

There were some issues in the first few weeks as I suspected he was still lingering around his ex before we became serious (coming up with the most ridiculous stories to hide it). I got pregnant in the 1st month or so and after talking it through, although it helped us make the decision to have a serious relationship, we decided to terminate. Except he left me to deal with it by myself, and later threw it in my face and said he thought I had lied and never really had the termination! The fact I was bed ridden for a few days with some awful problems afterwards conveniently forgotten...

I think this left me insecure as I became really quite irrational, drinking a bit too much, starting arguments over nothing and getting angry and jealous where I hadn't been before. I was also quite destructive and my go-to stress relief during a row was to throw/break things! mostly his stuff but mine too. I was violent and aggressive. Things came to a head and got really bad and I realised I was going to lose him and potentially the best relationship I'd ever had. So I bucked up my ideas and stopped behaving like that, I knew it wasn't fair or right and I was destroying things. I'm not perfect; I still get mad and argue like everyone else but I have stopped that aggressive unreasonable stuff from before - this was about 3 years ago!

Then we went through a phase of him going totally off sex, all the affection died and it was breaking my heart that we seemed to be living separate lives. It may have been caused by me to start with, but after I changed and went back to 'normal' he became worse iyswim? So things were difficult but we got past it and were rubbing along ok, not the loved up couple we were but still in love and wanted to make it work. I always knew he drank more than what I thought was 'normal' (must find a better word than that!) but it didn't cause a massive problem so I just tried to discourage it.

When I became pregnant with DD he gradually started to change and now my life is unbearable, I can't see a way back to happiness from this misery and TBH don't even know if I want to anymore. His drinking and behaviour is appalling, most of the time he doesn't care as he doesn't remember what he has done or has convinced himself that I must have done something to make him that way. He is just mental, in the same sentence he has asked if I want a cuppa and when I said no thanks called me a bitch, slapper, whore etc! WTAF??!! At 5 months pregnant, it was my 30th and he had me round the throat screaming he wished he'd kicked the baby out when he had the chance. He has spat on me, called me a fat cow (the day after I gave birth), says disgusting insulting things about being intimate with me, tells me I smell etc! He has headbutted me and slapped me once or twice. He is just vile when he wants and really knows how to hurt me, emotionally and physically.

At the start I was violent towards him (threw stuff at him, slapped and kicked) when I was being insecure after the termination so I don't really feel justified in complaining about these things. I was wrong and I stopped behaving like that, not an excuse but just want him to stop now too. And I think it's fair that his level is escalating beyond where mine ever went.

He is already using our daughter as a weapon, tells her I am a shit mummy, I don't look after her properly etc. This from a man who spilled a pint of cider on her at 6 months when pissed and tried to pretend he hadn't! When I made him admit it I got the bollocking for 'just going out of my way to start an argument'! He has done other stupid man-mistakes where DD is concerned which I have never held against him as he is learning but he tells my baby girl I am an evil useless bitch He never plays with her, avoids looking after her and is very tit-for-tat (i.e. left her in a dirty nappy when I was in the bath because he changed the last one) Despite how much I HATE him some days I have never done/said anything like that about him to her and wouldn't.

He has also come to resent my DS who now avoids home as much as he can and stays with his dad instead. DP has verbally abused DS months ago and was showing signs of aggression towards him, TBH, I went mental and said if he ever did it again we would be over. He realised he had crossed the line and that stopped, then he did it again last night! DP was calling me names, trying to stir up a row and when DS said that's not very nice, leave my mum alone DP started yelling 'fuck off and mind your own business you little shit' etc. I honestly don't know how I kept my temper in check. He is always arguing with DS and I have seen him try to find things to tell him off for. He bullies him - he is 35 FFs I know teenagers are difficult but he is worse!

I feel like it's over and don't really know what to do. I have told him things are over before, he just says I'm not going anywhere, I love you we're just having a hard time etc. I have said this is more than that, he is destroying our family and it is his turn to change or lose everything but nothing works, he just goes back to being the same nasty bastard night after night. He sleeps on the sofa and as soon as the kids are in bed I avoid him, go to bed myself anywhere as long as it is in a different room to him.

To make matters worse (expects massive flaming) an ex has been in touch, one I never really got over. He is telling me things like I am beautiful, sexy, he would give anything for us to be together etc. It is v flattering and the only thing I have smiled about in months but upsets me too because my DP obviously doesn't think these things about me anymore, and I really didn't think anyone ever would. I am due to attend a reunion in a few months and I am worried that with all the emotional fuckwittery from DP and after a few drinks I will end up doing something stupid and have a drunken grope with the ex that will be there. I am already thinking like that which is bad enough. I just crave someone who is nice to me. The recent thing with the ExP is something and nothing really, it has just opened my eyes that maybe not everything DP thinks about me is true.

Sorry for the LONG rant I just don't know what to do. I think I want this to be over but deep down I know we made each other happy once and I just wish there was a way back to that ? is there?

When I decided to leave I rang my local council to find out what I could do, then I looked into private rent.

I did say to my X that technically if I left him I would be entitled to the house and he said " I'll see you dead first"

We had one too many arguments, I had a complete break down, he called my Mum (coz he didn't know how to handle it) and the next day I moved in with my Mum and found a house to rent.

He did promise me that he would get help, blah blah, but I had enough when he tried to organise MY house and told him to fuck off.

That was in 2008, I have dabbled in the dating scene once since then and chose a man who was equally as anal.

I think I'll stay single.

Agree with those who say Put your children first. How can you stay with this man for the emotional abuse it gives your children let alone the abuse you get?!

I don't get it, I feel very sorry for your poor boy who must feel hounded out of his home because you choose to stay with this idiot

You know the answer is to get out, for your kids sake at least, do it

Goose I have read all of your post and there is only one thing that springs to mind here for me.

If you want to stay around and accept all this shit and violence on yourself then thats on you, you are a grown up after all. But for the life of me I cannot see how you have allowed hi to drive your son away from you his mum and his home, and then abuse your baby like this. For their sake alone get as far away from this animal as possible, reading you say oh but I love him, sickens me to be honest, your kids are suffering, and you ds will be suffering a long time in the future because of this prick.

Sorry for the lack of name checks but thank you all, this morning it is as though I am reading all your comments in a new light and thinking?who is this idiot woman that doesn?t just leave and sort her children and herself out..!

Last night was the same old routine, him trying to pick fights about everything and it really went beyond the ridiculous. I feel like I have detached now from him and his crap and just rose above it all, he was trying so hard to push my buttons but I just refused to engage with it. Looked after DD and put her down then me and DS had a lovely evening upstairs away from him (which we have been doing most nights for a while). We just ignored him.

He ranted about how he is leaving; I will be miserable, won?t cope, am too much of a waste to have a life etc (a favored tactic so I end up asking him to work things out). Only this time I said fine, I think that?s for the best and just left him to it. He just went off to sleep on the sofa.

So ?this weekend me and the DC are off to Grandma?s ? they can be spoiled rotten and I can take the time and space to work out the practicalities of ending this misery. I think even he realises this is inevitable now.

And just so you all know there will be absolutely no philandering with the exp as I will be too busy building a new life to attend the reunion. I think it was just bothering me that those kinds of thoughts were even entering my head when I would never have thought I was capable of thinking it, let alone doing anything about it. It was just another indicator that I want to end things with DP.

So thank you all for your help and much needed tough love. If this was one of my friends I would have been round, packed her bags and made her leave by now. I feel stupid for trying to make this family work and realise this is long overdue.

Caramelsmadfuzzytail ? I think I?ll stay single too.

Thanks all, new life here we come x

Well done on you Goose, I was harsh I know in my post, I see kids every week from homes that are far from good. Homes dont have to be castles and rainbows, or huge with loads of rooms and money, they just have to be safe and filled with love.

I wish you all the best for the future, and may I suggest some counselling when you have settled somewhere to work out how you can see the red flags earlier and interrpret them better.

All the best

GP x

I'm glad you are taking positive steps

At least you haven't got to go through all the crap of divorce.

My X doesn't see his son at all, but does pay a teeny amount of maintenance.

He stated on the divorce paperwork that being a part time father would be too emotionally draining therefore he didn't want contact.

But that in itself has been a good thing, I still loved my X, but the crazyness in the household got too much. Everytime I saw him it broke my heart and started off all the what if's.

I still don't know now, 4 years later, what I would do if the opportunity presented itself, although it would have to be after kids have flown the nest.

you post made me want to cry you poor thing. You need to leave the bastard for sure. This situation is toxic for you and the kids.

I agree with Izzy, she means well and I have no idea how you read her msg. Good luck

Op,just read your resolve, well done for getting thus far mentally. Is should have read everything before my previous post

Again good luck.

"I" not is

Well done. Glad you are taking positive action. Sorry if I came across as harsh but sounds like you've given yourself a real shake.

Thank you all again...I have made some steps but now I?m stuck again!
I made the decision to end things and was content to ignore him, focus on the children and get my plan together....but we all know what happens to the best laid plans...
Things came to a head after a difficult few days, same old same old but I think as I?d already made the decision in my mind what to do I just couldn?t take it and threw him out. He didn?t think I meant it and tried various tactics to stay but I was insistent and he eventually did go.
The following day he came to see DD and think he thought he would stay and things would go back to normal, him being quiet and behaving for a few days until he has a drink and starts again. But no...I made him go again.
We don?t have any family nearby and no friends he/we know well enough that he could stay until he sorts himself out so last night he was back on the sofa, though I stressed that this is temporary and he needs to find somewhere fast. He hasn?t actually said anything when he is in the house, just sits quietly. I think it has hit him that I really do mean this.
So...now the realisation has sunk in he is devastated, he knows that this is as a result of his behaviour and drinking and no matter our problems that needs to change. He is begging for a chance to prove himself, work on his problems and bombards me with texts of I love you, I miss you, I will change, I want my family back etc. No drinking for a few days, which I know will have been hard for him, staying away from pubs and trying to be extra helpful in the house and with DD.
Now ? I don?t know what to do again! After all this time, and all I have put him through too (which was no mean feat, I had big problems to work out), do I owe him the chance to change? To prove things will be different? Do I set some conditions and say if you can do XYZ then we can try and make this work? Should I be giving him some support to change as he needs to for DD and for himself?
In the past he has never taken me seriously but now he knows I can and will move on, it now seems to have given him the kick he so desperately needed! Or do I just say tough ? too late?!

Oh god just re-read my posts and I'm being an idiot aren't I?!

Of course it is too late. He has verbally abused your children, not to mention what he has done to you. You were angry and violent in the past, but that doesn't mean you deserve to be his emotional/verbal/physical punchbag. If you give it a chance, he'll be back to boozing and abusing within a week. Stick to your guns and protect yourself and your kids.

Tell him he has to stop drinking altogether.

That will probably lead to the same outcome as if you said no anyway tbh.

If by some freak chance he does it, you might stand a chance. But he won't - in fact he probably won't even agree to it. So you can honestly say he had a choice but refused to try.

Thanks CatPower

I think I know it really but I guess I didn?t see it being difficult. I?m so used to him being vile and saying he wants to leave etc I think his behavior now is unexpected and threw me off guard. Started thinking I hadn?t been fair but I know deep down I have ? I have begged him to change time and again and told him our relationship would be destroyed if he didn?t. And the fact he thinks he can do it by himself without professional help doesn?t fill me with confidence.

So far every time he is saying things will change I am just remembering how he has treated my DS and that is helping me stick to my guns. I have said to him I cannot allow him to be around DS anymore, whatever is going on with us doesn?t matter ? I just want him away from DS.

It?s just harder than I thought it would be and need to find ways to see this through

Schobe ? he has stopped since Monday (which is a long time for him) and says he will stay stopped; he is determined and know he needs to do it to save his family. I think he needs real help to maintain sobriety but he says he will do it alone, so I think that will fail before it?s even really started.

Sorry I know I'm late to this but your OP rang bells with me over your description of your partner's treatment of your DS. You could have been talking about my DH's relationship with his stepdad. As a result of the emotional and physical bullying he had at the hands of his stepdad and his mothers refusal to stand up for him he has a while host of emotional problems and severe depression. Oh, and his mother is stuck on her own with the abusive shit now, and has hardly any relationship with us or our children. Is that what you want for yourself?

Seriously, step up and get this man away from your children

Man mistakes are dp putting the wrong socks on ds, or dp not taking ds out with a coat, they are not under any circa spilling alcohol over your child.

Please realise how serious this is, your eldest son is being bullied victimised and abused as are you, how long before your danger is in line, although argueably she already is being abused by both your partner and yourself. As the mother you have to protect your children, as otherwise as I see it your enabling his behaviour, I know that sounds harsh ans I ink your partner is totally at fault but you need to get out now while you still can, is there anywhere you can go to? Talk to women's aid. And get your family as far away from this vile man as possible. Or run the risk of loosing both of your children as both will eventually resent e situation. Sorry that's harsh but it's your reality.

I just feel a bit pathetic when you all put it like that. I know what I have to do I think I'm just finding it really hard and didn't think it would be.

Its hard to hear but know I have to, otherwise the only person I'll be listening to his him. And lets face it - he sure does know how to manipulate me!

Thanks all...I just needed that little reassurance that I am doing the right thing, and that somewhere, I have got the strength to do this

There should be a [confidence] icon, could use that as a little reminder I CAN DO THIS...and I will not be persuaded back into that life of misery for my DC's

You can do it look at your children and you will find the strength, being a lone parent isn't easy by any stretch but after xh walked out I'd take the strains of a lone parent over a very bad relationship any day. You can do it. X

I was a single parent with DS for years and lately I've been remembering how much I enjoyed it - think it was the best time I've had. Life is hard either way, but at least single is happier, for me and my DC at least!

Wobble over x

I have really found the support and arse kicking on here useful whilst going through this horrible situation. I think I am having another wobble but not sure if I am being unreasonable, should stand my ground or what?! Help and bum kicking needed...

Over the last couple weeks for the most part he has stayed sober, is being very nice and helpful and promising the earth. However mixed in amongst that he has been drinking on the odd day here and there, and being his usual unpleasant self ? I avoid him then.

We have spoken and he continually says he wants to stay and work it out. I say no ? round and round we go. I told him I want him to move out, get help and stay sober for 30 days (with professional help and proof) and then we can consider if we can salvage anything, until that happens I shall remain disconnected from him. He has said he wants to stay for 8 weeks, until DDs 1st birthday, and to give him a chance to find somewhere to live. OK fine I say, but I don?t want to play at happy families until then, we can be civil but I NEED SOME SPACE!! He will not leave me alone, texts, making small talk etc.

So today he tells me has booked an appointment at the GP. Great I think, until it dawns on me this is to appease me, not because he actually wants/thinks he needs the help.

Where I am at - I just don?t think he is capable of making the changes needed to work through this, but I feel I might be cutting off my nose to spite my face. Last night he was horrible, today he is going to the GP for help....??

So confused. . Do I stick to my guns and take his half hearted promises, GP appointment and intermittent sobriety with a pinch of salt, or give him once last chance and my 100% support one last time ? all or nothing?

I am probaably stupid and misguided again - I await words of wisdom!

Ah I just re-read. I am being stupid - clearly.

I am going to print thread and keep in handbag for future moments of utter stupidity.

Sorry for the silly post. Should know bloody better.

You're doing great goose. But you will keep having these wobbles for a while, and you will definitely keep having a whole host of tem so long as he isunder your roof

The kicking out needs to be swift and definite. He is a grown up: he can sort himself out. So long as he has you agreeing to let him sleep on the sofa, until x point in time, he has you right where he wants you. Realise this: he has no intention of moving out. Do you have a real, firm intention of getting him out of your home? If you do then Kkck him out, now.

Oh goose. Ill be brief! otherwise shall rant. The going round and round thing has meant that I continued in marriage for years to EA VA ETOH positive man until I hit the buffers earlier this year. In the time i took from work - stressful in own right - i nearly ended marriage but gave him one more chance after his trip to GP / ETOH support / vague noises that might indicate understanding of harm caused.

So 10 days before return to stressful work ( he at home) incident demonstrated that it was all business as usual afahwc. ( Have to say deep down I knew ) That was it. Solicitor sorted. My fears as to extreme FWittery are coming true sadly. But nothing is as good as waking up smelling the coffee and moving on. There is fantastic advice on here where I have lurked and learnt so much.

Dont wobble. Keep going get out. You need the space and from there it will be clear.

To all you regulars thank you so much. Hugs to you all.
MS newbie so no crossthroughs or faces sadly!

Thank you HotDAMN - think if I remember I will keep having wobbles, I can acknowledge that is what they are - not be fooled and plough on. I shouldn't have to re-read these posts but it helps me put things in perspective. I am determined to have him out, but I do understand he has nowhere immeadiate and I am being very very reasonable. Also, at the end of 7/8 weeks he will know I mean it, because I put up with his charm/shite for that long and will still kick him out anyway . If anything untoward happens before then he will be out, no questions. At the moment it is fine as I live upstairs and him down. So he can have his petty 8 weeks and piss off!

Thank you too lostin - it is also a huge help to know that I am not alone in my desire to have a good and happy family meant I foolishly put up with things I shouldn't. And that no matter how long it went/goes on for - there is a way out in the end. I have found my escape, I am bloody well having it!!

Thank you