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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I Over-reacting?

34 replies

PinkGirltams · 05/09/2012 16:56

I really can't decide whether my reaction to a situation with my fiance is an over-reaction or if any reasonable person would feel the same as I - hopefully the answers I get might help to clarify things for me. It's just a small thing in the grand scheme of things but it's really, really bugging me!
So what's happened is that my fiance has posted a photo of my engagement ring on MY Facebook timeline/profile without having asked me in advance if I minded him doing so. When we got engaged I changed my status to reflect the fact that we had got engaged but I didn't want to post a photo of my engagement ring because that's just not me. For me it was enough that people could see my change of status and congratulate us and as for the engagement ring I was happy to show it to family and close friends. The fact that he's done this without asking how I felt about it first has made me quite cross. Had he posted the photo of the ring on his own Facebook page I wouldn't have minded as that would have been up to him if he'd wanted to share it with his own Facebook friends but without consulting me at all he's decided that all my Facebook friends will see the ring and gone ahead and done it without leaving me any choice in the matter. Admittedly I hadn't spoken to him beforehand about how I felt on the subject of putting photos of engagement rings on Facebook but then it was never something that had come up in the normal course of conversation but had he asked me how I felt I would of course have told him. And even if I did want to put a photo of my engagement ring on Facebook then isn't it customary for the bride-to-be to put a photo of it on her Facebook wall, not for the fiance to do it for her.
I just don't understand what could have possessed him to do this and the only thing I can think of that might explain his actions is that one of my best friends whom I've known for over twenty years (far longer than I've known my fiance) is male and because his mother is critically ill at the moment I've been spending a bit more time with him than I usually do so could it be that he put the photo of my ring on my wall as a kind of statement to my male friend to make it clear that I 'belong' to him. My fiance did comment a few days ago that I was spending more time than I usually do with my male best friend so could it be that this whole thing about putting the photo of my ring on Facebook was done out of jealousy?

I haven't talked to him about it all yet because I really can't decide if I'm over-reacting to the situation or not so I'd be so grateful to get anyone's views on this - how they'd feel if their fiance had done the same.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2012 17:00

It does have a whiff of territory-marking about it. Why is he messing about in your FB account anyway? Isn't it passworded?

scarletforya · 05/09/2012 17:08

I'd be pissed off but I'm quite private and deleted FB a year or so back as I became uncomfortable with the whole idea of making private things public.

It was rude of him to publish a picture of the ring on FB, it would make me cringe as now it looks like you were showboating.Blush Anyway he has no business doing so on your FB.

MissKeithLemon · 05/09/2012 17:11

I think you may be over reacting - but is that because you feel it is to do with jealousy over the male friend? I would see these as two sepatare issues unless there are other reasons you feel he may be trying to be 'territorial' over you?

Tbh without any undercurrents of jealousy I would see it as a perfectly normal thing to do, by that I mean posting a pic and tagging you in it so it appears on your wall. Logging in to your account and posting pics of your engagement ring or anything else would be weird in all situations either with our without the jealousy issue Confused

ErikNorseman · 05/09/2012 17:13
  1. he shouldn't be posting as you full stop
  2. posting pics of the ring is tacky
  3. it does look like he's advertising your taken status Conclusion - unacceptable!
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2012 17:15

You've erased the photo now and changed the password to your account, I hope?.... In your shoes I wouldn't be too bothered about the subject of the photo, but I would see the FB account infringement as akin to opening my mail or hacking my phone. If you're thinking of marrying this man I think some boundaries on privacy need to be established.

SilkandSteel · 05/09/2012 17:16

Has he actually posted it directly on to your facebook, or posted on his own and 'shared' it with you so that it also appears on yours?

poocatcherchampion · 05/09/2012 17:18

You don't like the ring ,do you?

adrastea · 05/09/2012 17:18

You can post pictures on other people's walls as yourself. It doesn't mean he used her account or had her password. People will see it was him.

OP, yes think you may be over-reacting. If anything else happens to do with this friend and jealousy then maybe tackle it, but you think this guy is worth marrying so I say forgive a silly and minor wobbly moment. We've all had them.

DuelingFanjo · 05/09/2012 17:21

I'm guessing that he sent it to your page rather than logged in as you? POsted it on your wall?

I think you should just delete it or un-tag yourself or whatever and you know you can use your privacy settings to stop him from being able to post something onto your timeline/page without you being able to review it first.

does seem a bit odd, like territory marking.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2012 17:23

So you can post random stuff on other people's pages without their permission? (Excuse... I am well over 30 and know nothing of these things) The more I read about FB - the bitchy comments, the 'de-friending', the unwanted photographs of diamonds - the more I wonder why anyone gets snarled up in it. Confused

Rowanhart · 05/09/2012 17:26

Overreaction IMO. Maybe he's just proud of you and the ring?

I would just delete the tag and forget about it....

roughtyping · 05/09/2012 17:45

Agree with Rowanheart. Think he is actually chuffed to pieces and desperate for everyone to know!

CalamityKate · 05/09/2012 17:49

LOL at it being " customary" for the bride to post pics of her ring on FB.

I must be out of touch. I had no idea about that custom.

DruAnderson · 05/09/2012 17:54

I can't decide until I know if he posted it as the OP, or posted iron his own account and put on her wall.

DruAnderson · 05/09/2012 17:55

I also don't think there is an accepted Facebook ettiquette.

MolatovBomb · 05/09/2012 17:56

Sorry OP, I haven't read your entire post as from the beginning of the secon paragraph I can see that you've over-reacted. Your finace is excited by the engagement. He's probably gutted that you haven't posted pix of the ring so is doing it on your behalf.

He should have asked ...

But let's get things into perspective.

Don't ruin things by wig a nightmare nag. Share the joy of Wong in love and what the future holds!

Let it go. Let it go.

MolatovBomb · 05/09/2012 17:58

Argh! Auto-correct is my bitter mistress! Don ruin things be being a nightmare nag! Share the joy of BEING in love!

izzyizin · 05/09/2012 19:57

When did you get engaged and when are the nuptials taking place?

SirSugar · 05/09/2012 20:06

FB work of devil

my usual advice, delete account = problem solved

Anniegetyourgun · 05/09/2012 21:35

Agree no good can ever come of Facebook.

I rather like the idea of Wong in love. It sounds like a gentle sitcom, or a sweet little low-budget romance.

sarahseashell · 05/09/2012 21:54

yanbu it's naff just delete the picture and tell him not to do stuff like that again

Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 22:02

So he posted to you timeline....he can do this btw. He has not necessarily hacked her account.

I don't know op. It also sounds so childish. I don't think what he did was a hanging offence. Wanting to sure the moment and all. Which is kind of what facebook is about.

If its causing you this much angst so early on. It does not bode well for your relationship and you may want to delete fb.

I don't understand why people have accounts, then get hung up on everyone else's actions. Just delete it.

picnicbasketcase · 05/09/2012 22:04

I don't like anyone posting pictures of me or my family without my permission but it has happened so often I've (almost) given up getting angry about it. Tell him you didn't want the picture up and to take it down.

mirry2 · 05/09/2012 22:08

Like poocatcher, I wonder if the op doesn't really like the ring?

LydiasMiletus · 05/09/2012 22:45

Unless he has hacked your account yabu (i do realise its not aibu).
He bought the ring and unless you have stated you didn't want to do this, you can't really moan.
tell him how you feel.
IMO it sounds like you are hoping he feels he should compete with the 'best friend'.
I think most people here would have something to say if you posted. 'my dp is spending all spare time with his female best friend. They have been friends for years and her mum is very ill. But he has no time for me and always piuts her first'. Which is kind of how your post comes across.

I am probably barking up the wrong tree, but there is more to this. I just can't put my finger on what it is.

When you get married, who would take priority?