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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to deal with a football obsessed DH?

81 replies

Cheekychops84 · 05/09/2012 13:02

my DH is totall obsessed with footy:( he will not only watch his own team but every single match which could be a Wednesday night 2 matches Saturday and 2 Sunday as we have sky sports which he pays for. This means we do nothing as a family such as cinema swimming park etc I do it alone which is tiring as we have 3 DD's youngest is 4 weeks. If football isn't on he is v good but during the season it's up to 4/5 matches a week. It's getting me down . I've spoken to him about it , raged about it, stayed out all day but nothing works he jus doesn't compromise :( .

Am I being damn right selfish? Or shall I grit my teeth and get on with it? I dnt want to say we split because of that stupid game of football as wen it's not on we are doing fine ?

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Cheekychops84 · 05/09/2012 18:32

Thanks ladies. No he is not abusive only very irrate if I moan about the football being on. We do work well as a team and we do laugh and enjoy each others company when football isn't on. I do use my phone a lot but that's mostly wen footie is on or he is at work etc just annoying they put so much of it on as he will his sit and watch it all day. I did overhear him say to my mum once he feels bored/lonely when we are all out etc but if he feels that y doesn't he give in to his obsession ?

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Cheekychops84 · 05/09/2012 18:33

Sorry fiventhree? How do I do that?

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fiventhree · 05/09/2012 20:32

Cheeky

It is as Charbon was saying and I said in my first post.

What are the fact here? our h thinks that his interests and weekends are more important than yours or the kids. To be honest I think it is reasonable if he has his wednesdays, as everyone needs time for themselves. The problem comes when these interests take over too much family or couple time, as in your case, all weekend, or with all weekends built around it.

What is happening then is that e is being self centred. That is his fault.

And you are moaning and trying to control him, and that is yours. And it will not work. I should know, I did it for years!!

It wont work because he does get enjoyment from football, and he has decided that it is worth bending half an ear to your complaints, or none, because he knows he wont change.

So you have to help him to see the consequences of his behaviour. And to do that you have to decide on a consequence, and see it through.

Tell him what the consequence will be. Make it something related to the offence, in this case the 'weekends are for me' attitude.

Say, well, if you persist in making all weekends for yourself, I will do the same, so you will see what it is like for me. I will take as much time as you do now, and leave you with the kids.

First he will break that, because he wont believe you. He s used to the nagging and getting away with it anyway.

So when he does that carry out your threat. And carry it out every weekend until it stops.

That is hard work, but it will stop the problem, believe me.

And consider first for your self all the excuses you will give yourself to avoid that conflict eg 'not fair on the kids' and think through answers (see my first post.)

It is a simple case of, if he wont freely behave fairly, you set a boundary on what you can live with and you ensure he lives within it to both of your advantages (and the kids).

Cheekychops84 · 05/09/2012 20:38

I see yes so if I leave older DC's but take little one? As I'm still bfeeding ? I no it will b easier to leave her once she is on solids or going longer between feeds

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fiventhree · 05/09/2012 21:42

For the time being, you'll have to take the baby. Unless she is stretching to 3 hours between feeds, in which case return to feed and go again (she might be too young, if feeding irregularly)

Whatever you decide here, cheeky, there is going to be an almighty battle. He is behaving selfishly, and selfish people do not take kindly to having the position reversed.

Anticipate that he will use the baby's age, your relationship with the kids and whatever you name to excuse himself and try to make you feel guilty.

You will feel guilty, but work through this. DO NOT OWN HIS ANGER WITH YOUR GUILT.

Remember the end goal- if this carries on, you will be more unhappy and far more stressed for far longer, and actually so will he.

I recommend the book on boundaries by Cloud and Thompson. (a bit christian, which im not, but greatfor getting your head round this stuff- other mn readers recommended it to me)

Learnttonamechange · 05/09/2012 21:44

Reading with interest as I am in a similar situation except my kids are older so it doesn't impact on him if I clear off and leave him to it Sad

fiventhree · 05/09/2012 22:01

Its a matter of degree, isnt it? My kids are now 11, 13, 16. The issues are not the same.

But if my h now were to put all of his eggs in the 'me' basket, and none in the relationship and family one, I wold dicuss with him.

I would make sure that I had interests, friends and activities of my own first.

We all need them, and time apart.

If there is nothing left over, there simply isnt a relationship to have, is there?

conorsrockers · 05/09/2012 22:22

Hmmm. I have one of those. They're priceless.
However, I have come out the other side now, - alive, still married and three DS.
Problem is they all sit and watch it now! What helped with my DH is that he started coaching DS1 football team and got more involved on a practical basis which meant he was spending alot of time with the kids - doing something he loves. It worked a treat,

  • yours helps with dinner and bathtime? Bloody hell. You must have got an upgrade from mine Grin. You need to give me some advice on that one!! I don't have any answers on the Sky - I have had to watch more than £100 go out every month so we can have all the channels - and I can't stand TV Grin. Good job I have a sense of humour ... 'better the devil you know' I always thought....
fiventhree · 05/09/2012 22:38

Ladies as I type now h and DS are discussing football transfers (who is Leonel Messy, anyway?).

Yes they do draw in some of the kids. I did say recently at the table that when h and 2 ds's discussed football for the third evening in a row that they were being boring well i didnt actually but pretended to make dull girly conversation over their heads with dd, who also felt excluded. They got the point.

It's a matter of degree. Every one has a right to their interests. But if they have work and interests and nothing left over, then one is not in a relationship.

That's the key.

So there isnt much left to build on. I think the start of the conversation is to point that out.

If they dont want a relationship with you, someone else will. Happiness is possible. Or other lives are possible. If I can say that, others can, as I am now 52.

I spent most of my late 30s and 40s being crushed by this selfishness, and it ended with the ultimate selfishness, infidelity. I was mad to put up with it.

I dont know, and he has changed.

As AF always says, a selfish partner will let you carry what you allow yourself to be burdened with.

LancsDad · 06/09/2012 02:06

I watch lots of football.

My suggestion is watch it together. Me, DW, 3 x DC all watch it together on Sky sports, ESPN and we go to the matches, too. We all support the same team but watch other matches, too.

I can't think of much else on the TV that Me, DW, DD14, DS10 and DS6 are all happy to watch together.

It's one of the family things we do together.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2012 06:54

My dh watches the same amount of football - it's not an issue for me in the slightest. But that's because he does so much stuff round the house and with kids. The football is a red herring - it's all about balance. If you felt more like it was an equal partnership and respected and loved it wouldn't matter. I am very concerned about the 'angry looks' and the ostentatious loud 'cheering and whooping' at the telly when you complain, that sounds threatening and aggressive. Are you scared of him?

Proudnscary · 06/09/2012 06:55

Same here LancsDad.

But this isn't really about football. It's about this guy's attitude and behaviour towards his wife and family.

bumhead · 06/09/2012 07:33

I had a boyfriend like this once. We rarely saw each other other than weekends due to work and we didn't live together. When it was football season which ever day his team was playing was written off where I was concerned. He would go to the pub to watch and then stay out till 2 am.
I got sick of being second best to his football. I wanted a boyfriend I saw more often than once a week when he had a 'free day'. I wanted to do things with my weekend. So I got rid. He was baffled but I was sick of asking for some time together and I think I deserve more than to be second best to a match!

Numberlock · 06/09/2012 08:35

My suggestion is watch it together

LancsDad At least read through all the OP's posts before commenting, then you would have realised that her giving into her husband is the worst possible suggestion.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2012 09:06

Bums - but that's another example of it not being about footie. Your ex used footie as an excuse to gout drinking for 12 hours. That's about selfishness and/ or a drink issue not football.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2012 09:08

Bum not bums - that soundest v overfamiliar!

Proudnscary · 06/09/2012 09:08

Arrrgh sounded - fuck you iPhone!!

MountainsMove · 06/09/2012 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fiventhree · 06/09/2012 10:20

If people bothered to read the thread before commenting they would see that the lady has very young children, including a 4 week old baby.

She is expected to look after the kids all weekend whilst he organises his time around two matches a day, plus updates.

There is no 'balance' at all, and the h is resistent to having any.

Lancsdad, its always a good idea to try to enjoy the hobbies of your partner. But its unrealistic and selfish to expect the average woman with young kids to sepend all weekend watching football with you. Just as it would be unreasonable if she constantly left him with the kids all weekend every weekend to indulge a shopping habit, or whatever.

My suggestion is that she draws a line in the sand with him, and lets him see how it feels in practice, to be so little respected and taken account of.

mampam · 06/09/2012 10:45

I feel for you I really do. My exH was exactly the same. He would even watch teams from other countries that he had never heard of just because it was football. He played football on a Saturday after working in the morning, would come home grab his stuff and go and we wouldn't see him until the evening after he'd been to the pub with his team mates. If his team lost I would have to put up with his bad moods. He trained during the week but never did anything with us.

I was a proper football widow!! Thankfully my DH now absolutely hates it in fact I know a lot more about football than he does Grin

Cheekychops84 · 06/09/2012 12:09

My DD's are 7,5 and 4 weeks all girls they too have no interest in footie. I want to go to beach with girls at wend he sed he will have to see who playing first until he can say weather he is coming with us:( I've suggested her records it he says he will see

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Cheekychops84 · 06/09/2012 12:13

I get so lonely I feel like a single parent in fact I think ppl are starting to wonder if I am

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Cheekychops84 · 06/09/2012 12:14

I don't mind watching one match but 1 after the other after is too much

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MadBusLady · 06/09/2012 12:18

So he didn't say a straight "No" to recording?

That might be hopeful. Or he might just be fobbing you off again, giving in a little bit so you stop on at him. But it depends, has he fobbed you off before, or has he always been no compromise at all?

I've been meaning to say you do sound like a great mum, doing loads of fun weekend stuff with your kids despite the footie-obsessed lump on the sofa Smile. But it's a good point isn't it - how much different would it really be if you were a single parent?

Cheekychops84 · 06/09/2012 12:29

Well he doesn't sound enthusiastic about it put it that way. I tol him my brother and dad are coming too is was just like hmmm not interested at all tbh :(

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