How to deal with a football obsessed DH?

[Cheekychops84]

my DH is totall obsessed with footy:( he will not only watch his own team but every single match which could be a Wednesday night 2 matches Saturday and 2 Sunday as we have sky sports which he pays for. This means we do nothing as a family such as cinema swimming park etc I do it alone which is tiring as we have 3 DD's youngest is 4 weeks. If football isn't on he is v good but during the season it's up to 4/5 matches a week. It's getting me down . I've spoken to him about it , raged about it, stayed out all day but nothing works he jus doesn't compromise :( .

Am I being damn right selfish? Or shall I grit my teeth and get on with it? I dnt want to say we split because of that stupid game of football as wen it's not on we are doing fine ?

I thought the footie started at 12 -can you leave at 9 till 12 with the baby, and leave him with the others to go swimming etc.

Yea he is :( but he does help he cooks helps bathe the kids helps with shopping etc so that's y I dnt no if I'm a bit harsh

He will not go out at 9! No way ! He starts work at 5 am every morning that will b like getting blood from a stone

If he talks like that to you I'm not surprised you're growing to hate him. Sounds like he doesn't have a lot of respect for you.

And he's probably defensive about the football obsession because deep down he knows it's a little bit 14 year old. Grown men can arrange their time so that they enjoy their hobbies and still meet their family obligations.

I made DH get rid of Sky sports due to this. He'd end up watching any old shite match, just because it's on.....

Football on just in the afternoons?....uh no, Just about all the fecking time.
I said if it was an important match, not being shown on terrestrial TV, he could go to the pub or his pal's house.

It's great without it now, but watch out, Sky are sneaky bastards and will try to hook you back in with 3 months free offers....

But some of what you say in your posts sounds as though you are 'very traditional in your ways' too. Maybe you're challenging that now as you get older, but the point is that someone doesn't become traditional, sexist and entitled overnight, do they? It's improbable that these character traits appeared the moment you got Sky TV, just as it's improbable that you always wanted a more egalitarian marriage and family life. It sounds more likely that you both created a marriage and family that was based on very old-fashioned concepts of male/female roles but that you're only now waking up to the unfairness of it.

That's okay, but acknowledge it and challenge your own attitudes all the time too.

I'm kidding myself arent I I'm gonna have to b on my own

Ah, if he works nights I understand why he needs lie-ins.

But I think we've got past that a bit now, haven't we. He says "fuck you" in arguments, won't compromise on anything and reckons he's god's gift because he isn't an alkie.

He 'helps'????

Do you regard what you do around the house and with the children as helping him then?

He is rather vain lol ok I better start getting my speech together I no in a years time i will feel better but it's gonna b very hard :(

Well I no some men don't do jack to help so at least he not totally useless I guess

You're not being harsh. You and your three children are #2 in his life behind football. Only when there is no football do you get a look in. When football is happening, you're irrelevant, and it's not even his team or an important tournament he's watching, it's any old rubbishy game.

Cheeky, we don't know whether you need to leave him, only you know that.

So, on the plus side we've got does his share with shopping, household, the kids etc (when the bloody football isn't on).

On the minus side we've got, doesn't seem to have much respect for you, won't have an adult conversation, is a bit chauvinist/traditional in attitudes. And when the football IS on, all the plus side goes to pot.

What else is right/wrong? Do you laugh together? Does he put you down/laugh at you? Do you feel like a team and that you can trust him (in an emotional way as well as a practical way)?

Sorry for all the questioning! Just trying to prompt your thoughts really.

He helps?. Some help he is, he seems to have no respect for you whatsoever. If this situation was the other way around he would likely be displeased.

What are his parents like btw?.

He is not going to change, you can only change how you react to him.

Tbh op I think you need to step back just for a second and take a deep breath and think about this a bit more objectively.

Ok. So your dh watches you say ten hours of football on the weekend/on a week night. Yes that?s a lot, but when you break it down it?s only actually about 1.5 hours a day ? it?s just that he concentrates it all into one timeframe. How many hours a day do you spend watching tv/mumsnetting/surfing the internet/facebook?

How many hours a week does he work? 30? 40? And you say he is involved in family life ? he shops/cooks/cleans/bathes the kids etc ? yes it?s something he should do anyway but equally it?s something that a lot of fathers get away with not doing ? and is at least an indication that he is not detached from family life completely.

On the shouting/screaming at each other it sounds tbh as if you?re as bad as one another. And, at the risk of being shouted down, you?ve just had a baby, emotionally this is not the best time to be making rash decisions about ending your marriage over sky sports.

You need to sit down and have a calm, rational discussion about this. No shouting, screaming or swearing ? that?s devisive. But explain to him calmly that you?d like to do things together at the weekends but that football seems to prevent him from wanting to spend any time with you and could you compromise somehow and maybe watch football on a Sunday or one match each day or maybe watch a couple extra matches in the week (there is football on sky on most nights).

Ending a marriage over this is a hugely drastic step and one which you need to think through seriously before you even consider it. Because if you?re struggling now with your dh out of the equasion for only ten hours a week, it is going to be ten times harder (and lonelier) if he?s out of the house altogether and you?re having to manage with three kids ? and all because of Sky sports.

It?s very easy to take the ?leave the bastard? line from mn. But think about whether it?s genuinely worth splitting up your family for.

Why did you have 3 children with such a selfish man-child?

"I've tried he his gets angry and can't see why he can't do what he wants to do."

Sitting down and having a calm, rational discussion doesn't work when someone feels they are entitled to opt out. I favour accidentally tipping the kettle into the Sky Box... :)

I think football is so ingrained in our society that its often accepted as a totally normal thing to do even when taken to extremes. Replace "watching football" with "playing video games" in the OP for example and you'd get a totally different response from some people.

He needs to compromise because it isn't fair that he's leaving you to shoulder the burden at weekends. It would be just the same as if you left the kids with him and spent 10 hours over the weekend shopping/watching soaps/going quad biking/whatever. You should be able to spend some quality family time together, as well as you both having quality 'me' time. It can be difficult to balance but it can be done.

I think either a very calm, rational discussion about it, or the letter would be a good start. Perhaps a family calendar where you write down things you want to do together so you can plan your time better? Organising some family activities with dad and the kids might be good too. Good luck OP!

Hmm...

I'm not sure football should be your biggest issue here.

I like football. I watch a lot of it. I'll go in person if I can, or sit and watch it, or have it on in the background. If I'm out and about, I'll have the scores on my phone, and I'll check that. I probably talk about it more than I should. I find it enjoyable, and fun, and I'd probably be rather annoyed if DP told me I could only watch two hours of it. I don't make him watch it - he can wonder off and do something else if he wants, but we do watch it together most of the time. We also don't have children, and are relatively young. I appreciate that when we have kids, this will all change.

But, his personality doesn't seem great anyway. Even with the football removed - he talks down to you, scares you and tells you you should be glad that he's not an alcoholic.

I think those things need to be dealt with first - and you'll probably find that once you have dealt with them, if you can, and once he starts showing you more respect, that'll automatically lower the amount of football he watches. Because at the moment he doesn't respect you at all, and so he'll just argue and carry on watching regardless of what happens.

we do nothing as a family such as cinema swimming park

if it's any of his family need him line sisters etc he will go if it's mine uh uh no way hosay

I just suggested radio he sed no I want to watch it I love my football

He does do lie ins 11 am he is ready then foot starts at 12

if sky aren't showing the match he will watch sports news all the time for updates

he also tries to wind me up as he knows I hate it

when I tut or say could u turn it down he gives me this look of utter anger

he gets all defensive and will prob say f u I'm going then

This is about so much more than the physical watching of football. He has a 3 kids including a 4-week old baby and he's acting like a single man ffs.

I'm inclined to suggest you start building your own life more and more and line your ducks up ready to move out.

He's eventually going to drain the life blood from you.

If football isn't on he is v good

The window between seasons is barely perceptible these days so you're getting - what - 6 weeks of 'normal' family behaviour from him in a year? Less when it's the World Cup or European Championship?

How old and how annoying can your DCs be?

Sometimes getting the DDs to extract their Dad from his computing is far more effective than me nagging.

They could suggest the record function so he could watch the rubbish after they went to bed.

He's a self entitled arse OP. I'd get rid of the Sky just for a starters here. Time to get tough and tell him he needs to shape up or ship out.

Here is the key, as Charbon says:

In order to be taken seriously in any situation in life, we have to have a bottom line that others believe. We have to be prepared to follow through in the consequences we give people fair warning about. So you need to decide if you are prepared to hold out for what you want - and whether you have the courage to walk if you don't get what you need from this relationship.

You need to have a bottom line.

So, what do you want to happen and see as fair?

Tell him

Tell him if he isnt more fair and responsible, you will do the same to him

If he still insists on seeing you as an unpaid nanny, wake him at a decent time, hand him the kids, and walk out for the day.

It wont affect them badly, as it wont keep on happening, in my view. It will affect them far less to have a pissed off dad looking after them a few times than to have an unhappy and lonely mum longer term.

And he will see that you are serious.

You must keep this up until he agrees to play fair (in which case, you will).

If he want at all after this, then he isnt worth the candle, is he? But at least you will have tried.

ps please dont say that he cant be trusted with them- if that's true, then you definitely shouldnt be with him anyway.

ps dont get rid of the sky! you are not his mum, and he would be reasonable to see it as controlling and treating him like a child.

But do make him see you as an equal by making certain he doesnt get away with stealing your weekend.

He will hate it, but I it will work. And it will work far quicker than nagging or controlling, as it forces him to respect you.